Stupid Benzo Taper...Emotional

[minn66]

As many of you know, I quit opiates back in November and now I'm on a taper from Clorazepate. I am so emotional today (actually started last night). This morning, I cranked up some music to get motivated to clean house, and Mother by Danzig came on. It reminded me of when my son and I used to turn on Metal Mania and clean house on Saturday mornings. This was before the pill stuff got out of hand. Anyway, I have just been thinking of how he and I were so close and now, naturally he is growing up, almost a man soon to be 18. I feel so guilty about a lot of things and feel like I have let him down. I am lucky he is doing so well, he's an honors student at a college prep school and recently got a 30 on his ACT. I burst into tears when I heard Mother, that's what he calls me, because of that song. I'm not even sure of what my question is, if any. I guess I just wanted to let it out to you all because you get it. I know I'll be better in a few days, but wow, just feeling major guilt and emotions. I just feel like I could have done more for him. I am not going to take another half, even though I want to a lot. I have got to finish this taper.

Hugs to you all and thanks for listening. You guys mean so much to me.

[minn66]

Oh, and walls I've hit. Well, I would say coping with my chronic pain and work. For me, oddly enough, the benzo taper has been most difficult. I was prescribed them close to 12 years ago during my divorce for anxiety. I didn't take them every day, but I did take them when I was anxious. Lately I have had a lot of stress with work so tapering from these things has not been easy. I never bought hydro on the street, if I ran out I just went without, and I have no idea where I could get any, so that is a plus. Once I told my PM doctor I didn't want to take them any more, that was that. Not saying that has been easy by any means, because if I had a bad pain day and needed to work late, I could take a pill to make it. So now, since I am back to work from FMLA, I sometimes think I could do my job better if I were still taking the hydros. I know that isn't true and luckily I haven't had any strong cravings, nor do I have a way to get some if I did. I have had to get really involved with alternate ways to deal with pain, like trigger point injections,, home TENS and traction units, Biofreeze gel, and physical and massage therapy.

I just try my best to take each day as it comes.

Hugs, Minn

[minn66]

My last hydro was at 5AM on Friday, November 18, 2011. I started my benzo taper in January of this year. I joined this site on November 21, 2011, when I Googled while on a break at work. I was in horrible shape, the only way I made it was through the encouragement of people here and a power greater than myself. I have learned so much and have been in contact with some amazing people. I do go to NA and counseling, yet I feel my "roots" are here, if that makes sense.

[kme17]

I know what u mean. I am find i am very sentinmental right now! What day r u on? What walls did you hit in your time?

[minn66]

Hi, much better. A twinge of anxiety here and there but no waterworks since Saturday. Wow, when that hit, it hit suddenly and with a vengeance! Totally unexpected!

[kme17]

Smiles how r u!!?? Hope your doing ok

[minn66]

Pat, it sounds like you have already begun to reconnect with him. That's wonderful! As others have said to me (and I have said to others, lol) we need to concentrate on now and quit beating ourselves up over the past. We can't change it, yet we sure can take charge of the future. I hope you get to spend some time with your son soon. He sounds like a great young man, and we all know the apple doesn't fall far from the tree... You're pretty awesome yourself! :)

Hugs,
Minn

[Pat1956100]

When I told my son about my opiate addiction it was the hardest thing I ever did.  He was so wonderful.  I was sobbing and he just kept saying I'm glad you told me.  It's okay.  He already knew.  I felt like such a failure and like I wasn't there for him when John died and my sister (who was so close to him). I still feel so guilty and like I have alot of repairing to do there.
We were so close when he was younger.  I was involved in all his sports teams, his school activities, president of his daycare blah blah blah.
When John died I just checked out and wasn't there for my son at all.
I need him, he needs me.  I have to fix that.
I am so happy you had a great time last night.  I am going to do that soon with my son

[minn66]

Oh Dixie, thank you so much! That means a lot to me. You are incredibly sweet and I am so glad to know you and everyone here :)

Hugs,
Minn

[Dixiechick72]

Hi minn. My momma here at this board. You are such a gift do u know this?? An inspiration to so many here. I can only hope to offer u what u have done for me and so many here!!! U have been such a great support here!!! So go ahead and lay the emotions out!! Well all help pick u up!! That's so exciting to hear about ur son and what a great great honor..but don't dwell on the past... We can't change what we did. Sure we feel guilty for our screw ups but we need to move on to the now!!!  So don't beat yourself up for ur choices u made good or bad. U did so with nothing but good intentions.  You will finish this taper as well as u have done before. U are strong but when you're weak we are here to lift u higher ok!!! We will be ur high at this place!!! Ur a great great person!!! U give and give to so so many here. I'm truly honored to have been given ur kind heart here. Hang in there momma. You'll get through this taper!!! Big hugs to u!!!

[minn66]

Oh Pat, I had heard about people going through that but didn't really understand it. I don't know why, but I didn't go through that with my daughter. Maybe because she lives close to me and never went away to college. I feel kind of guilty about that, too! Maybe because my son is my biological youngest. I am very close to my step son but he isn't here all the time, but I have a feeling I will be the same way with him.

It is really weird, because my son was supposed to stay at his dad's this weekend. He uses his dad's smokers to make barbecue to make money for his truck, band, etc. He ended up coming over and bringing some barbecue and hanging out with us last night, just me, him, and hubby, and we had a great time. He has been so busy with school, exams, and his friends that lately even when he's been here, he wasn't, if that makes sense. It's like he somehow knew.

[thewaz]

We all love you Minn.  I hope today brings more smiles than tears.  Guilt is a wasted emotion.  Don't look back. Only forward.  You know the mantra.  We can't change the past.  I have a painting on my wall now.  It says:  You're never to old to be what you wanted to be.  I need to remember this.

[Pat1956100]

OH Minn,
I so get it.  My son is 27 and I cry for the little boy that is gone.  I miss him so much.  I thought I was the only one that did that.  I am so glad he is so successful and has a wonderful girlfriend but I still miss that cute little boy that used to try and stay up and watch the hockey games with me.
Hang in there sweety.  Maybe they will give us grandchildren soon lol.
Well not too soon for you but I'm ready.

[minn66]

I just want to say again how much I love and appreciate you all. Thank you for understanding. I was such a mess yesterday! Still feeling a little anxious, but at least I'm not bawling my eyes out. I am so lucky to have you all.

Group Hug!

Love,
Minn

[minn66]

You all are such a blessing. We have actually had a very nice evening, just my son, hubby and I. I do miss that little boy, yet I am so proud of the young man he has become. I am so thankful for him, my daughter and grandson, and my stepson and daughter. Thank you all for being here for me. I will make it, and I believe in each and every one of you.

Big huge hugs,

Minn

[minn66]

Thank you everyone for understanding. I haven't been what's considered an emotional person. I know it is largely because of the pills. I just love my children so much, and my son is my baby. I will probably be a basket case when my step son gets that age, too. He and I are close, we play video games, cards, draw, shoot baskets and kick the soccer ball around.

So funny how a song can bring up such memories. I do know this benzo taper has a lot to do with it, but I swear it hit with such suddenness and force. He came back from his dad's and brought us a Boston Butt he had smoked himself. He and his dad used to make them for every holiday, but this year my son made them himself and the proceeds of the sales are going toward his band trip.

Thank you so much for being here, I have said it many times, but you guys support me probably way more than you know.

Hugs,

Minn

[smiles4eva]

"F" guilt Minn or give it wings if you can ;)
Seriously though, I am sorry you are having a difficult time.  You obviously did an amazing job with him.  I don't want to minimize your pain I know how difficult it is.  Sorry this is short but I am on the run just wanted to offer my support and hugs!

[minn66]

Thank you all, you are awesome. I love you all dearly, from the bottom of my heart.

Mega huge hugs,

Minn

[thewaz]

A little something I hope will make you smile.  Check out my profile page. I just went outside and took some pictures of the flowers I've been planting.  Flowers mean life and joy and happiness!

[akitagurl12]

oh Minn, i am glad u came here and posted.  since i joined, you have always been right there for everyone else but i think this is the first post i have seen from YOU:)  Lets leave the past in the past.  You did the best you could, and from what it sounds like, that was pretty darn good.  It's natural for kids to pull away to express their independance and find themselves, but i guarantee that he will be back around and needing u again.  Especially when he gets married ect....  He sounds like a very healthy and smart kid, you did very well.  Its ok to feel sad, but please don't feel guilty. xox

[minn66]

I think I have some guilt about leaving his father, even though he was an alcoholic and unfaithful. Our daughter was 17 when we divorced, but he was only 8. He has a good relationship with his dad and I'm glad, but I know it was hard on him. I stayed single for several years after the divorce, and it was just my son and me. He loves (I think) hubby, they do lots of things together, like playing basketball and installing speakers in his truck. I know I'm not making much sense, lol! Our daughter knew why we got divorced, but our son was so young. I am afraid he thinks I broke up our family because I had left. I am so proud of my son, he hasn't gone to college yet, but will in a few months.

Thank you all for your support. I think my body is shorting out today!

Hugs,
Minn

[thewaz]

You know you're our rock on this board Minn.  Your emotions are waking up.  You know that.  i don't have to tell you.  Benzos keep you even so you don't really truly cry or laugh. Let those flood gates open missy!  and turn the music louder.  My daughter turns 27 in 3 weeks and 2 weeks later her brother turns 25.  Substract 9 years from that and that's how much I have decided I missed.  9 freaking years.

Look forward..not back.  it's my new mantra.  We can beat ourselves to a bloody pulp over decisions we've made. Directions we have taken.  OR... we can just move forward.  I was on Day 3 on Mother's Day.  My kids planned a whole day for me and I was either in the tub or at the nearby chair with a hole in it!  But what I was told was I was giving THEM the best Mother's Day's gift ever.  Last evening I spent a great time with my daughter.  Tomorrow I'll be with them both.  And  one day I hope these angels find their angels so I can have some mini angels.  Now listen Up Mom Minn....  You ARE GREAT.  So many of us could never have gotten this far without you. I'm pretty much betting the same applies to your son.
waz

[Sonrissa]

Hey Minn! Look forward, not backward! Think of the future daughter in law and beautiful grand babies!! Your son sounds great and you should be proud of the way he's turned out so far! You did a good job Minn! In spite of what you think! Hang in there!

[Elmijack15]

You're son is in college and an honor student and you think you could have done better? You must have done something very RIGHT if he turned out like that. Of course you miss him and he'll always be your little boy. You're just extra emotional coming off the benzos but don't start feeling guilty about what you could have done better. You did the best you could and it sounds like a you raised a great young man! So hang in there, you help so many people on this site! You truly are an inspiration and a life line to many on here. I may not reply to some posts, but I read them and you're a true blessing here. Hugs to you, now go put some other kind of music on, put a big proud smile on that face and start feeling better NOW!  Thats an order :-) hugs