mom looking for guidence

[Deb179]

Hi.....I have been following your posts for months, hoping for a bit of hope and knowledge from others who have been there before making a very tough or wrong choice.  I don't even know where to start, I'm so confused.  My son is 21 and apparently a very heavy drug user.  Everything came to light about a year &1/2 ago.  arrested on sale and pocession, I bailed and went through all the things that come with it lawyer, $$,etc.giving him the benifit of the doubt.  With in a few weeks another arrest for hypo, once again bailed him followed by yet another arrest for shoplifting.  This time I left him for 3 weeks, at which time he went through WD and I found out some of what he was up to. coke, fentenal (?) oxy 80's, heroin.  After a complete search of his room, needles/ spoons.... He was released for 2 days and back in jail for bench warrent, at this time I figured he was probably safer where he was and left him.  He was then put in rehab by judge only to be removed because of not cooperating....sent back to jail.  In jail for 5 months, released on out patient rehab and probation.  He claims to be clean 3 1/2 months after being released total 8 months.  At this point he begged probation and rehab to go on suboxone, afraid of relapes,(he was told unless he came in on a script they would not allow him to start the treatment ) relapse happened.  Started small but back to iv heroin & oxy's, within a matter of days.  As of today.. he is back in jail on violation of probation.  been there 3 months, I have left him, as I know longer know what to do ???? so I am assuming the battle is once again brewing in him.  My son and I are very close, But I am no longer sure if what he is telling me is real or just another excuse to get out and get high.  At this point if I could....I would give my life for his.....he is so struggling.   The judge is once again trying to give him the chance, by giving him 6 months of shock followed by parole, which if he messes up is facing 2 1/2 - 7 years in prison.  Here is were my delema comes in.  He can be bailed ( I will have to put my house up ) which scares the hell out of me concidering his past history, but he is also not on probation or parole at this time ( not able to go on suboxone, unless coming in on them ).  He is begging me for help and trust just one more time, he tells me he believes the chance to try soboxone, just might save his life.  But, being that he is now again clean for almost 3 months....would it be just another mistake putting him on another drug, that he may not beable to kick?  I'm sorry for such a long post.  I know what some of you may tell me could be harsh, but am ready for any and all advice from someone who has been there.
God Bless you ALL

[silverhbomb]

hi deb....
i just joined this forum and your posts are filled with a lot of love and fear.  i think the main thing for you to constantly remind yourself of is... that you can't enable him anymore.  i am a recovering addict, with the same issues as your son, and nobody could ever make me do something i didn't want to do and i would have done and said anything when i was in active addiction to get what i wanted.  i have been clean just over 10mos. and was in a methadone maitenance program to help me stop using opiates.  until i understood though that i really had a problem and that my thinking was really screwed i just kept using... the first 7 mos. on that treatment program.. until i started going to 12 step mtgs.  i think you should definately try an alanon mtg. and if your son is serious about living differently he will try counseling or therapy or meetings or all... it has been a long road already for me.. i continue to go to 6 mtgs a week,, have a sponser, just finished  the methadone program successfully (so far) and have a strong faith in a higher power. it takes a lot of work to continue in recovery, but the rewards are endless, life is still life, but i'm not a slave to a pill anymore.....your son can recieve all of the same gifts that i have found.... but it is up to him and only him to accept those gifts, no one can force or bribe him....he has to come to his own conclusions without you putting up your house!!!  that would be a big big mistake  you are doing the right thing by letting him sit in jail, i had to do the same thing with my soon to be ex husband while i was newly sober... if i would have bailed him out, he would have continued to destroy his life and mine and my daughters.... i know it's hard to stay strong because to love him and just want to help so badly, but the addicts mind is purely manipulative and driven towards their own selfish needs and wants at any expense of anyone.  stay strong and i will pray for your family.  good  luck....  

[Teetime4u]

Hi and I so feel your pain, I too am the mother of an addict, my daughter is 23 yrs old and shooting opiates.
  The lies that they will tell is never ending, the threats to get what they want! It never stops!! And just like mommom said I would love to see my daughter in jail its the only way she may get clean. But then again yhere is drugs in jail too.
  One thing you said that really got my attention is that after he talked with you, begged and pleaded and you didn't give in he was in bad shape and put on suicide watch!! Think about it what better way to get mom to come and get him then to threaten harm to himself!! But if you were to go gt him don't you think his drug use is harming him too?? He is on watch they will keep an eye on him!  If when he calls he begs,cries, and pleads. Tell him if he continues you will no longer accept calls. He is where he needs to be!!Its his addicted mind screaming to get out. Good luck and God Bless!

[Deb179]

Things not going well.  Talked with my son for a very short time 3 days ago.  He called to tell me he was sorry and he loves me, but he can no longer go on like this.  His problem is not jail, he has excepted responsibility for his actions in that reguard.  He has been in suicide watch since, I'm told he is not doing well.  He has given up all hope.  I so wish he could talk with some of you,  he has no access to the internet.  My question.....would some one be willing to write him in jail ??  I know it is alot to ask, I just believe he needs to hear there is hope and alot of it.  
Thank You & Bless You All

[Deb179]

Thank You....he is getting some kind of drug rehab in jail, not really sure what, we haven't really had a chance to just talk.  It has up to now, been alot of very angry phone calls, alot of tears and alot of begging for help.  The last time I talked with him a few days ago.....I almost broke.  Told my husband we have to get him out....husbands only response "Do you want your son back ?"  Yes....more than anything....he than said leave him there.  Everyone but me has some sense, it is only me.....my son knows I am the weak link..... when it comes to someone I love hurting.  My family unplugged the phone, so his calls wouldn't come through...he had me so upset.  

Congrats......To You and Your husband.....Keep Strong.....Your future....Live ...Love & Laugh.  Nothing better, than remembering all those memories with a clear mind...many years from now.  God Bless You

[rligh09]

My husband and I just got clean together we have 4 kids, our addiction was not that bad 8-10 vicodin a day kinds mild compared to some. But anyhow, My husband went from a wonderful man to a huge huge huge liar. He would lie about everything, he was also using Soma and xanax. Honey did you take anything tonight, no of course not I said I wouldnt but I could see it in his eyes everytime. I would search his car his pockets, his coat and I always found something he was lieing about. They all lie!! I knew deep down it was the drugs but he had the power to stop and chose not to broke my heart a thousand times. But we are good now and clean and the future looks good I have forgiven him but I still not for a second trust him he will have to earn that back and it will take a long time of being clean and having a track record of not lying. Its tough and my heart breaks for you my kids are little and I cant imagine what I would do. But everyone on here is right you have to be strong he is in the best place. Is he getting any kind of therapy or drug treatment in jail? Do not put your house up you will lose it!!

[Deb179]

Thank You !!!  You TOO are a person to be admired, in SO MANY WAYS, I'm sure your not even aware !!!
Keep up the Great Work....you all are making a difference in So many lives, including mine.  Had I not found you, I can be about 99% sure, I would have made one of the biggest mistakes of my life....he would be out by now.  
You also answered one of my most burning questions.  Suboxone...does he want it to break the addiction or a legal way to carry on, which I suspect to be the answer.
You have given me the courage to not back down to him, and I know in my heart, if I want the chance of getting my son back...he needs to be where he is.  
Once Again....Thank You.....I'm not sure if you all know, just how VALUEABLE you all are