months and months of lies

[flyforfish]

Well here goes, I have come to the conclusion that it's time for me to go to rehab. The problem is that my wife thinks I've been clean since January.  We've been on this ride two times already, both times I just rode out the acute withdraws for a week. Then I just feel crazy forever developed an anxiety disorder.  So I start using again and it goes on until I get caught again.  Well its that time again where I've run through all my money destroyed my credit and continually lied to my wife about my addiction she thinks I'm clean and doesn't know where the money is going. I do have a legitimate back injury, but I buy off the street too because the doctor has no idea where my tolerance is. I want so badly to be honest I hate myself,  suicide somtimes seems easier than the truth makes me wish I didn't have anybody who cared about it because it'd already be done,  but I'm a coward. I'm scared my wife will leave me. I'm scared I'll never be OK. What about work? We have EAP and great insurance but I can't lose my job I don't know how any of this works.  What I've been doing won't work it's just a cycle. I'm a firefighter so I could easily be fired for being an addict.  My whole life is upside down, and I don't know what to do?

[atthebeach]

I lived with my husbands addiction for years and years. It almost killed me.
We get so mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually sick also. In the beginning I was so scared, worried, hurt, betrayed. Then at the end I wanted him dead, I hated him I wanted the insanity to end. We did separate for a year and he got worse, suicidal. I wanted a divorce.
There is always hope. He went to a Christian men's program.
He has been  clean for 4 1/2 years. We are healing as a family.

Your wife knows you are getting high or definitely suspects. If things are like they were when you were getting high she knows for sure.
Money missing, fighting are sure signs.

[atthebeach]

What are you taking and how much?
Will you go cold turkey or do you want to taper and let your wife hold the pills?
Were you going to meetings, counseling, church, and getting any support?

[weaver71]

I was told to set myself up for success. I remember telling my wife to leave me if I relapse again. I meant it, didn't want my kids to grow up with a drug addict. I was in bad shape, but with practice and time we all end up in bad snap on drugs. My wife believed I was serious when I made her promise to leave me. I made it so I would have no reason to live if I used, cut all sources, doctors included, and did every thing I could that was suggested.

[weaver71]

That's the fear addiction causes. You have more to fear by using and lying than quitting and being honest. I figured out I would lose everything if I didn't quit, at least there is a chance to save and rebuild what is left in sobriety. Since you want to tell your wife today, make an appointment with your doctor so you show you are DOING something about it. We can help you think of many ways to get and stay clean. You have to DO the work though. Show her you already stated your recovery by reaching out. Tell her about medhelp and how you are going to keep trying something new until it sticks. I relapsed for years, so I know exactly how you feel. Getting caught is worse than telling the truth, I e done both. Maybe make an appointment with an addiction counselor too, go the extra mile to prove to yourself and her this is the last time.

[flyforfish]

I'm gonna wait til later to tell her,  probably still today, but I want to do it as gently as possible and I don't know how.  Her mother had to talk her out of leaving me the first time, because she recognizes I'm a good man,  I just have a problem.  I'm so afraid to lose everything including the respect of my parents that I finally have. If she throws me out its not like I have any money.

[Jinx_777]

please don't be so hard on yourself.  i would suggest maybe start with talking to your doctor and see if they can help you.  then tell your wife and seek meetings.  as many as you can get to.
good luck.
you are NOT alone