Aa
multi-addict friend and in trouble with law
Hi you guys
I hope you can help me with a decision. I have someone I've known for 7 years and he is highly addicted to alcohol, cocaine, prescription drugs, heroin. He has a 4 year old daughter. He also has a gambling addiction. It started out with alcohol solely, then at 28 he met a drug addict in a rehab and befriended him and he introduced him.to cocaine and prescriptions. Then in 2013 I think he started doing heroin. He goes on binges. Has spent his whole savings and check from work on heroin to the point where he was kicked out his house. Mother of his child left him after 6 years and that set him to a downward spiral again. He told me he had only been really sober with her for a few months at a time, but always went back to using.even took out loans to support his gambling habit. Now recently I went to visit him after he almost died of overdose on heroin and highly intoxicated. He went into a rehab for 2/weeks only. They let him go BC he got a friend to pick him up because his family did not want him out. But if you can get someone to get you and let you love with them they will release..this was in January. He has 2 duis as well. Anyway on my trip he all the sudden started drinking again and I have a suspicion that he also went to a drug dealers house to buy some. It was after he got his tax refund money. Got $1800 back. First night I was there he had 2 cocktails at dinner. Next night day he had 3 or 4 beers at a bar and finally the last night he had 5 or 6 beers at a bar and proceeed to drink a whole bottle of red wine at dinner. He passed out in the car but not all the way out. He has high alcohol tolerance. As we were almost home he all the sudden grabbed my hand and said take him to the store to get cigarettes. I didn't want to because it was almost 4 inches of snow in ground and I wanted to get out of the snow. Said he could get cigarettes at the hotel. Then he got very angry a me and started pulling the wheel, then he banged on windshield a few times till he broke it. Like a kid having a fit. Itbscared me so much. I started crying and stopped car then he took the keys out and was threatening me to take him to store or something worse will happen . I needed to get keys back BC it was a rental car. And I needed my purse. So I said OK and we got back in car and I drove off as if I was going to the store he wanted me to turn around in the middle of street. He then pulled at wheel and grabbed my hand and hit windshield again. It was shattered in a circle now. Then I stopped the car and was able to grab the keys really fast but he yanked my hair but I got away and got out and right then someone pulled up and asked if I need help. Then he started walking away fromnthe car. I got in the persons car very scared and shaking. I was afraid of him for first time ever. So scared he would come back and do worse to me or the car. He knew where I was staying. Then the person helping me said for me to call cops. I called his parents first and they said for me to call the cops and they are not mad at me and they apologized for their son. I had just met them for the second time when we went to lubch that day...cops came took my statement and also foind him and arrested him. my problem is, my friend has been fleeing from a case he left unresolved in california and it was on purpose. This was over 6 years ago now. He has a bench warrant. Now that I'm involved in this with him I have the power to let the authorities in Massachusetts know that he has been running from the law in california, or hiding. He has 2 domestic violence charged against him. He was given anger management classes and AA classes. He would hardly go to those in CA and started forging the signatures of the supervising facilitator. Now he has an assault and battery charge and destructing property charge because of him pulling my hair and shattering windshield. He also has a rap sheet in Massachusetts. Should I turn him in. Should I let the DA know about california. He really needs help and I've recommended to DA advocate/ victims advocate for them to send him to a treatment facility and not jail. Since the incident we are not friends anymore. He blames me for everything and takes no responsibility. Has been cursing me out and saying he wants no part of me in his life. Its so strange. I've since blocked him from contacting me. I've been battling with this in my head. I feel like I'd be continuing to enable his or responsibility by not fessing up to the DA about his bunch warrant. When he got the bench warrant in CA it was when he came back to try and take responsibility he had to court and I let him stay with me as long as he was gonna not drink and also take care of his responsibilities to court. He decided he did not want to do anything that court wanted him to do and was mad because they wouldn't turn over his case to a court closer to where he was staying with me. Then he started drinking and smoking weed and being billigerant. I couldn't have this in my house so I told him.to leave. He called his ex ex girlfriend to come get him and he called his then current gf to buy him a one way ticket back to Massachusetts. I just feel like if the california court issues are not reported, I will be enabling him. I want him to be delivered from this life of drug abuse alcoholism gambling and irresponsibility. It has to start somewhere. He will have a pretrial hearing on April 8 about our case. Waiting to see what will happen.
I hope you can help me with a decision. I have someone I've known for 7 years and he is highly addicted to alcohol, cocaine, prescription drugs, heroin. He has a 4 year old daughter. He also has a gambling addiction. It started out with alcohol solely, then at 28 he met a drug addict in a rehab and befriended him and he introduced him.to cocaine and prescriptions. Then in 2013 I think he started doing heroin. He goes on binges. Has spent his whole savings and check from work on heroin to the point where he was kicked out his house. Mother of his child left him after 6 years and that set him to a downward spiral again. He told me he had only been really sober with her for a few months at a time, but always went back to using.even took out loans to support his gambling habit. Now recently I went to visit him after he almost died of overdose on heroin and highly intoxicated. He went into a rehab for 2/weeks only. They let him go BC he got a friend to pick him up because his family did not want him out. But if you can get someone to get you and let you love with them they will release..this was in January. He has 2 duis as well. Anyway on my trip he all the sudden started drinking again and I have a suspicion that he also went to a drug dealers house to buy some. It was after he got his tax refund money. Got $1800 back. First night I was there he had 2 cocktails at dinner. Next night day he had 3 or 4 beers at a bar and finally the last night he had 5 or 6 beers at a bar and proceeed to drink a whole bottle of red wine at dinner. He passed out in the car but not all the way out. He has high alcohol tolerance. As we were almost home he all the sudden grabbed my hand and said take him to the store to get cigarettes. I didn't want to because it was almost 4 inches of snow in ground and I wanted to get out of the snow. Said he could get cigarettes at the hotel. Then he got very angry a me and started pulling the wheel, then he banged on windshield a few times till he broke it. Like a kid having a fit. Itbscared me so much. I started crying and stopped car then he took the keys out and was threatening me to take him to store or something worse will happen . I needed to get keys back BC it was a rental car. And I needed my purse. So I said OK and we got back in car and I drove off as if I was going to the store he wanted me to turn around in the middle of street. He then pulled at wheel and grabbed my hand and hit windshield again. It was shattered in a circle now. Then I stopped the car and was able to grab the keys really fast but he yanked my hair but I got away and got out and right then someone pulled up and asked if I need help. Then he started walking away fromnthe car. I got in the persons car very scared and shaking. I was afraid of him for first time ever. So scared he would come back and do worse to me or the car. He knew where I was staying. Then the person helping me said for me to call cops. I called his parents first and they said for me to call the cops and they are not mad at me and they apologized for their son. I had just met them for the second time when we went to lubch that day...cops came took my statement and also foind him and arrested him. my problem is, my friend has been fleeing from a case he left unresolved in california and it was on purpose. This was over 6 years ago now. He has a bench warrant. Now that I'm involved in this with him I have the power to let the authorities in Massachusetts know that he has been running from the law in california, or hiding. He has 2 domestic violence charged against him. He was given anger management classes and AA classes. He would hardly go to those in CA and started forging the signatures of the supervising facilitator. Now he has an assault and battery charge and destructing property charge because of him pulling my hair and shattering windshield. He also has a rap sheet in Massachusetts. Should I turn him in. Should I let the DA know about california. He really needs help and I've recommended to DA advocate/ victims advocate for them to send him to a treatment facility and not jail. Since the incident we are not friends anymore. He blames me for everything and takes no responsibility. Has been cursing me out and saying he wants no part of me in his life. Its so strange. I've since blocked him from contacting me. I've been battling with this in my head. I feel like I'd be continuing to enable his or responsibility by not fessing up to the DA about his bunch warrant. When he got the bench warrant in CA it was when he came back to try and take responsibility he had to court and I let him stay with me as long as he was gonna not drink and also take care of his responsibilities to court. He decided he did not want to do anything that court wanted him to do and was mad because they wouldn't turn over his case to a court closer to where he was staying with me. Then he started drinking and smoking weed and being billigerant. I couldn't have this in my house so I told him.to leave. He called his ex ex girlfriend to come get him and he called his then current gf to buy him a one way ticket back to Massachusetts. I just feel like if the california court issues are not reported, I will be enabling him. I want him to be delivered from this life of drug abuse alcoholism gambling and irresponsibility. It has to start somewhere. He will have a pretrial hearing on April 8 about our case. Waiting to see what will happen.
Lady- no you're not annoying me!! I think your response is very mature and you are obviously a smart lady:)
Thanks for your input. I understand that I may be annoying you, but I'm not obsessing over him. I'm actually trying to find out more information from people who may have experience and know way more than me. Its my first time actually trying to get some knowledge about addiction because I had been pretty clueless. Thought this forum would be a good idea. A lot is making sense. I'm also gonna be pursuing addictions studies program so right now I'm obsessing over the actual disorder not necessarily him. Although, I Stoll care for him, but its from a distance and it will stay that way. Thanks for your concern though.
No all using addicts aren't violent. But yes many are. Doesn't matter: this guy is.
Sweetie, gonna be a tad tough w/ you: you're trying to figure this out again. There is a saying in alanon: "The addict is addicted to drugs and alcohol, the co-dependent is addicted to the addict." You are addicted to this situation. It's out of your life and you are obsessing over it. Please go to an alanon meeting and/or a professional. You can get relief from these thoughts.
Sweetie, gonna be a tad tough w/ you: you're trying to figure this out again. There is a saying in alanon: "The addict is addicted to drugs and alcohol, the co-dependent is addicted to the addict." You are addicted to this situation. It's out of your life and you are obsessing over it. Please go to an alanon meeting and/or a professional. You can get relief from these thoughts.
I have another question for you guys,
Are all addicts violent, or end up becoming physically or emotionally violent to the people they know and love, especially when that person tries to tell them they need to quit?
Are all addicts violent, or end up becoming physically or emotionally violent to the people they know and love, especially when that person tries to tell them they need to quit?
"He comes for a family of alcoholics, or people who drink to excess. They are Irish." Are you implying a connection there?
My advice would be to separate yourself completely from this situation because it's a bad one and he's a very sick man. I don't know why you want to call the DA about him either. It's not your place and they'll catch up with him sooner or later. Just let it go...And one more thing: pushing a woman and grabbing her hair is a violent act. Period.
Good luck to you-
My advice would be to separate yourself completely from this situation because it's a bad one and he's a very sick man. I don't know why you want to call the DA about him either. It's not your place and they'll catch up with him sooner or later. Just let it go...And one more thing: pushing a woman and grabbing her hair is a violent act. Period.
Good luck to you-
" I have a son now and he has a daughter, I feel more of an obligation as a mother to help keep his daughter safe from his addictions"
No, sweetie you don't. He has his path, so does his kid. If you go to alanon, one of the many many things you learn is that you do not control everything.
Please focus all that good energy on YOUR child. YOUR career. YOUR happiness.
I can't say it any more clearly than this: stay away from him. Period.
I promise you that if you give alanon a try, all of this will become very clear.
No, sweetie you don't. He has his path, so does his kid. If you go to alanon, one of the many many things you learn is that you do not control everything.
Please focus all that good energy on YOUR child. YOUR career. YOUR happiness.
I can't say it any more clearly than this: stay away from him. Period.
I promise you that if you give alanon a try, all of this will become very clear.
I'm 34. We met when I was 27 at the same job. Yes, I'm not naive. Just have a big heart. I'm a helper by nature. This whole new indicent is even inspiring me to a different career path altogether after 6 years of being a massage therapist, I'm going g back to school to become an addictions and substance abuse counselor. I felt like this whole relationship maybe led me to this. It just hit me so hard after coming back from our visit and it hasn't let up. I'm starting this summer. Will take me 3 semesters, then I hope to work in the field before pursuing a masters degree. I alrdy have a BA. Maybe even though I can't help him, I can help others in the future. That was my thought. He may not ever be in my life again and will never forgive me if I tell the DA. That is a huge sacrifice and I'm trying to make sure I'm willing to go there and take the consequences. We had genuine connection, more like a soul one when we first met, that is what had me even give him a second chance. I feel like he was a soul mate type and I've only felt that way about one other person ever in my daring experience. I have a son now and he has a daughter, I feel more of an obligation as a mother to help keep his daughter safe from his addictions. He ha put her in risky situations already..I go back and forth with the forced help method and the kind that supports them hitting rock bottom and wanting the help themselves...
I don't know how old you are, but don't seem young and naive. Therefore, you should already know that people will come in and out of our lives as we grew and become involved in different situations. You are probably not close friends with all the ones you were in high school. Some have married, had child, different college, ect. They become involved in new social groups. No one really forgets that friend they had but no longer have time to keep up with everyone from old and new social group.So as we move on with our life, we have to give other the same respect and freedom to move on with theirs. You had moved into a new group of people the same as he did. Regardless, the type of people in the group better or worse is not for us to judge. You need to continue on with your life and new social group and leave him behind as you still care but have taken different paths in life. If the DA looks they will find his record in CA. It's public knowledge on casenet.net (I think). Might want to search that. You can see what anyone has been to court for, if there is a case pending, and if they are in prison can even see a mug shot. If it bothers you to the point that it is effecting your daily life, then make the call. It is not for anyone else to make that decision but you. Let me tell you this. Unless the state of CA really wants him to serve time in their state they will not pay to have him extradited back to CA anyway. Your call may do nothing to him nor for him. Assault and forgery charges will probably not send him back unless he was in CA. It cost the state or county a lot of money to have him returned, so 99% of the time they contact where the other charges are, if that place is not willing to pay for his return, they will charge him for these charges and he will not even know they contacted CA to ask.
My concern is for you and anyone else is around. You probably can't save him nor the future people in his life so save yourself. Be thankful you are alive, use it as a lesson in life, and move on. What feelings he may of had are now given to the addiction and will not be given to you. Even if he goes to jail, does rehab through the legal system please stay away from him. We always hope, but I know more people that have come out of jail or rehab with more drug contacts than they went in with. We also like to believe there are no drugs in the jails and prisons when this is as far from the truth as it can be. In fact, he may be high right now in jail and meeting new drug friends to hang with when they get out, as you worry how to help him. I am an addict and been around a lot of the wrong people. I have now cut them from my life but know I will run into them some where and have to be strong and tell them no. He has to want to help himself and it don't sound like he is ready to yet.Don't put this on your shoulders, I tried to find blame in everyone else for my addiction and had to realize and accept it was all me, no one else. Stay safe, move on, and hope one day he wants to help his self.
My concern is for you and anyone else is around. You probably can't save him nor the future people in his life so save yourself. Be thankful you are alive, use it as a lesson in life, and move on. What feelings he may of had are now given to the addiction and will not be given to you. Even if he goes to jail, does rehab through the legal system please stay away from him. We always hope, but I know more people that have come out of jail or rehab with more drug contacts than they went in with. We also like to believe there are no drugs in the jails and prisons when this is as far from the truth as it can be. In fact, he may be high right now in jail and meeting new drug friends to hang with when they get out, as you worry how to help him. I am an addict and been around a lot of the wrong people. I have now cut them from my life but know I will run into them some where and have to be strong and tell them no. He has to want to help himself and it don't sound like he is ready to yet.Don't put this on your shoulders, I tried to find blame in everyone else for my addiction and had to realize and accept it was all me, no one else. Stay safe, move on, and hope one day he wants to help his self.
Thank you all for input. I don't think not reporting and just staying out of it is gonna help solve anything though. I'm no longer in communication and live in another state. He can't really drag me down now
Hi also. I would no report him for the simple reason is that your karma would then be involved in life and could cause an indefinate connection with him. What i would do is walk away from this person asap and disappear from his life. Somewhere down the road you will also become a consequence of his actions. Do yourself a big favor and go find some person where you can grow and become an active responsilbe member of society. This person is just going to drag you down with him.
COMMUNITY LEADER
If he doesnt get the help he needs he wont have to worry about seperation anxiety. This addiction is fatal.
I don't drink or do drugs in any capacity. Also we used to date 7 years ago, then immediately after break up is when he started drinking again and went back with an ex gf that was also an alcoholic and they had a violent relationship. She hit him all the time and one day he decides to hit back after being repeatedly hitnin face with her clunky cell phone. This is where the domestic charge came in. I remained a friend while he was in california. He wasn't much a friend to me, but an alcoholic can't really be I guess. I was there when things would get rough and he would call me to come help him. I would go to his apartment, throw away bottles of beers, clean up his dirty room, clean his laundry, find him in bars and get him out, found him laying face down on an alleyway once. But at some point I realized I wasn't where his help would come from so I told him that I'm distancing myself from him. And I did. He only started contacting me again after he got out of rehab the first time. Get this he stopped drinking for 8mobths! But he met the drug addict in rehab so the alcohol was just replaced by those for a time. I was not in his life. Had my own and had a bf and only talked to him every once in a while. Told me about his cocaine problem, but that he kicked it and was only doing prescriptions. Then one day after taking 26 pills, he got in a car of the drug addict friend who was this rich kid in Beverly hills and literally totaled the car. This is when I was called on again to come help him because he also started drinking again after that. They were kicking him out, but it was only enabling him because instead of telling police they simply bought him a plane ticket home to MA. While there he got sober for a little while but started back with drinking. No pills I don't think. Got a new gf out there and had to come back to CA 3 months later to face his court date. Thwt s when I offered to let him stay with me so he can take care of that. But like I said he only lasted a week. Went to court, got angry that they wouldnt give him a slap on the wrist and then called his gf saying he can't take staying here . He started drinking at my place and doing weed and thats when i told jim to leave, so he called hos ex alcoholic gf and she came to get him, then he left with her and i guess she later took him to airport. His current gf then bought him a ticket back to MA and he was there ever since. We didn't talk for a long time. Then I don't know when but he cstarted contacting me again and I could see he was drinking again and probably started buying cocaine. He and his gf were gonna have a baby. She had her in October 2010. He said he started doing heroin in 2013 after his sister died of an accidental overdose of drugs. She was highly disturbed and had BPD. He also has BPD. He comes from om a family of alcoholics, or people who drink in excess. They are Irish. He seems like a bottomless pit when he drinks. Right now he staying with his dad, nursing a broken foot. When I visited him in MA it was because we had started talking about getting g back together again after 7 years. He talked to me almost everyday and I guess he says I helped him start weening himself off of drugs and alcohol just by being s friend and motivating him on phone. When he became sober that's when we started talking about a relationship again. I know now how ludicrous it was. I had every intention though, if we were to be together to have him in therapy and getting treatment for his addictions. We even talked about him getting out of MA for a while and come to CA and he can get a breath of fresh air. While here I was gonna sign him up for some addictions counseling free sessions thru my church. One of the things I read about what helps someone in recovery is actually if they feel like someone loves them and are being treated with love and grace and not like crap. So I was going that route. Bit when I visited him in MA I could see that he wasn't the same person I was with 7 years ago. I read someone call heroin a demon drug and could change a persons entire persona. I think it did that. I felt like he just used my visit as a chance to get some freedom away from his parents and he had some money so he just decided to drink again. I couldn't believe it. So many options went on in my head to try and stop the train wreck but I just didn't take them. It was after that whole incident that i started researching about addictions and learned so much. One thing I learned is that you never try and control a drunk peperson who is billigerant. I guess when I told him I wouldn't get cigarettes he took it as me controlling him. But he was never violent with me so I was shocked that he would get that way. So I think the heroin changed him. That and also his gf left him after 6 years and immediately got with some other man. They had broke up 3 months before. She was also very abusive and hit him all the time for his drinking and gambling. They would fight in front of their daughter. It was a bad situation and relationship. It was always off and on but they lived together and would get back together. But this last gonround when she left she left for good BC there was a new man to go to. He was absolutely torn apart and that's when he started binging. He never hit her though. Only pushed her or pushed her off of him or grabbed her hair too she told me one day. She didn't report it ever. Only thing she would call police on is if he was drunk and would start driving. But get this, after his license was suspended she still allowed him to drive, and it was her car! If I tell the DA about his bench warrant in CA I know he will think I did it maliciously. But I really am not doing it out of spite. I'm really trying to just be truthful and stop hiding this for him and start making him own up to his issues. We talked about him coming and turning himself in before but he is deathly afraid of hail and he has bad separation anxiety from his daughter. By the way you can add smoking to the list of addictions now...
COMMUNITY LEADER
I would let the DA know about his warrant in CA. Your friend needs help and fast. Hopefully if they choose treatment it will be long term with a halfway house afterwards. Keep us posted on how things are going.
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Herpes sores blister, then burst, scab and heal.
And you need to stay away from this person completely.
Please please get to an Alanon meeting. Why? Because for someone who is just a friend, you are WAY too involved in the goings on of this person's insanity and you were literally almost killed. I think you need to look at that.
Good luck to you and keep posting.