I said no, probably for the first time

[Kate1266]

Hi all, I am new here and I guess I'm on day 2 (had 1 & a 1/2 Perc at 10:30 AM yesterday.)  Vics are my DOC, however in a pinch I'll take Perc's and if nothing else, I've been known to down a handful of T-3's.  Last night was pretty bad, hard to sleep, hot/cold flashes and sweats and the terrible all over body pain.  I kept taking Advil PM's and aspirin, may have helped a little bit, but not much (although I think the Diphenhydramine in all the Advil PM's did help with the runny nose/eyes and coughing.  Anyway, I've done this once before last December and I got through the first hard days by taking Klonopin.  I have been prescribed Xanax for over 10 years now, but never had a problem with the benzo's just used them for occasional situational anxiety and sleep help.  Well I now have a prescription for Klonopin instead of the Xanax and it was due to be refilled today.  I was feeling so horrible this morning that I left a message on a friend's machine - one who can usually come up with some vics either her own or from family or friends.  While at the drugstore I got my prescription and also stopped by the ATM to withdraw the absolute most I could without making my rent check bounce.  So call to supplier in, money in hand, was looking like a done deal.  When I got home she still hadn't called back so I took a few Klonopin.  I felt immensely better - even pain-wise which I don't understand, unless the stress makes you tighten up and makes the pain worse, and the slight relaxation from the Klonopin helped that.  Then I got to feeling tired and like I could get a little sleep.  Ended up taking about a 3 hour nap and still felt pretty good when I got up.  Then I saw the message on my voicemail and the name on my Caller ID and that got all the little monsters stirred up.  I called my supply and told her I was looking for a few and she was gonna check and call me back.  As I sat there, I thought if I can feel ok (not great but not extremely miserable) why should I use every last spare penny I have to just prolong the inevitable and lose the teeny little bit of ground I've gained?  So I did what I've never done before - called and cancelled, told her I really didn't have the money to be using on pills.  That felt like a monumental step and for the first time I'm thinking maybe I really can do it this time (as an aside, just as I'm typing that last sentence, the phone rang and it was another person I'd left a message for and it was much easier this time to say no.)

  I'm not going to go into my whole story at this point.  Just wanted to share a personal victory, no matter how small.  I hope I can really do it this time, the last time I lasted about a month, but I have problems with fatigue, depression and lack of motivation and talk myself into the fact that Vicodin helps with that.  Maybe at first, but lately, I'm still fatigued, depressed, lack motivation and am full of Vicodin.  And poor! which really *****.

Thanks for listening,
Kate

[donewithpills]

   GREAT job Kate!!!! That is a HUGE step!!!! Vicodin's were my DOC and I'm 37 days clean..  YOU can do this, stay STRONG!!!! It's funny how all the friends I had when I was taking the vikes ( they all used it too) now my phone never rings anymore.. I guess they were not my friends to begin with.. All these people on this forum has helped me so much, when I feel weak I get on here and no that I'm not ALONE in this battle.. Hang in there and it DOES get better as time goes by...YOU are worth it!!!!!

[Kate1266]

Thank you all for the kind words and encouragement.  And to benevolentlaughter, don't count yourself out.  I don't feel that I'm strong - yes for that one moment I said no, but what if she was there when I originally called and was sooo miserable with pain?  My plan was to get a few to get me thru today (4th of July) because there were a couple barbecues I was invited to and didn't think I could do those on day 3 w/d's - in fact I know I couldn't, don't think it's polite to accept a free meal then puke it back all over their house :)   Anyway, had I gotten a few, there's no way they would have lasted til today.  Oh maybe I could save 1 or 1/2 but self-control when the pills were right here was never my strong suit.  So tapering was out for me.  Anyway count the small victories it's the sum total of them that make the "big one".  And I'm not looking forward any farther than the next couple minutes - I don't know what I'll do in 2 days, 3 days, a month, but I've got enough to deal with right here and now that I'll worry about then when I get there.  It's the only way I know how, it's the way I was able to quit smoking, I could never face up to saying "I will never smoke another cigarette as long as I live."  All I could do was say for today, for this minute, this hour whatever I am choosing not to smoke. That's all well and good to say now, when I thought that was the hardest thing I ever did HAH!  What's nicotine physical w/d's?  Shakiness, irritablility, maybe a little headache?  Piece of cake compared to this (but it sure didn't feel that way then.)  I guess my point is everyone finds their strenght and their little victories in different ways and I'm sure you will find yours.

Peace,
Kate

[road2recovery]

A BIG congrats on saying no...That is not a small step but a HUGH one to me....Keep going and stay strong!!  I am praying for you!!
r2r

[Kevin_Bacon]

Very inspirational stuff. Glad you're here.

[Kate1266]

Hey mk, I have fuzzy memories of that time, and I used to have a really good memory.  I just remember stopping around Dec. 16 '08 and getting throught the physical w/d's with Klonopin but then the psychological stuff started working on me.  I remember Christmas last year I was so anxious and on the edge of tears all the time I couldn't even stay for Christmas dinner at my parents (my mom knew what was going on, but not this time, at least I haven't told her, but being mom, she probably knows.)  I know I made an appt with the rheumatologist in mid-late January and that's where I get the vics (I know a lot of people want to blame the drs. but I played her like a violin and I take full responsibility for my actions.)  Anyway, the reason may have been just hating that dead, empty, nothing to look forward to ever feeling that I know I still had.  I hope to approach it differently this time starting with exercise - never been a fan but everything else I have tried supplements, narcotics, and on and on to try to increase energy levels and motivation has failed.  I also remember from quitting smoking that there were certain things I stronly associated with smoking that I had to avoid for awhile (example -porch sitting. I know it sounds stupid, but just sitting on the porch, maybe talking with friends and neighbors seemed impossible without a cigarette.  So there may be some activities I need to lay off of awhile that I associate with vicodin.  Fortunately, I didn't do a whole lot while I was f'd up except sit and stare, so I can mark that off my list no prob.)

  Another thing that happened around the time that I went back, and this scares me because I know there will be more episodes in the future, is that my Dad was hospitalized 3 times in a month and a half for COPD complications.  A couple times it looked pretty bad and I couldn't be the basket case, I had to be there for my mom.  And the only way I could do that was to numb myself up with vics.  So that scares me, what if I do ok in my everyday boring life but the first crisis that comes up sends me screaming to the pill bottle.  Guess I'll have to face that when it happens, and hopefully have enough clean time under my belt to be able to deal with situations better.

Thanks for listening,
Kate

[benevolentlaughter]

I'm not even going to lie.......

I wish I was as strong as you.

[mk1964]

Hey Kate....this place will help. I post in spurts, depending on what's happening in life. I ask for help and also give it when needed too. It goes both ways here so we need you just as bad and your thoughts.
Out of curiosity, you went 30 days clean. You should have been feeling a lot better after a week or so, just curious if it was cravings that sent you back or what. I went 3 months, and like an idiot went back for....no reason. No cravigs, nothing. Just ego that said I got over this before, so I know how to control it now, let me try just two. Then three, 4, 5...you get it. Now, I'm back on my way out and again will intend to stay there. But I've learned it's an ongoing deal. I've taken other habit forming meds(benzos, etc) and while it was hard getting off, I did and stayed off because I remember getting off was hell. I should be able to do that here, and was. Don't get it.
Anyway,
glad your're here.

[refusingbondage]

Kate - CONGRATS on turning it down!  Its never easy but each time IS a personal victory and a huge deal!  You should be very proud.  Best of luck during your detox. Keep fighting the good fight