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omg. please support me.
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omg. please support me.

Hello family. I need your help. Saturday night my oldest went to jail for a dui. This is his second one. I have so many emotions I don't know what to do. I'm completley stressed out. Feel guilty that I showed him too many bad things.

He's only 21 and lost. I would have thought that being on probation for the firzt dui he would learn a lesson. But I guess he's a slow learner.

I don't know what to do or what will happen.  its these situations that make me what to use to add to the s**t storm.

I am so shakey (shaky) and paniky I camt think straight. I feel like this is because of me. He witnessed a lot of my bad habits. Yet I know logically it wS his choice.

Dose anyone have any rxperience with two duis. Keep in mind he's still on probation or tbis thong called clean program in Alabama.

He's open to aa meetings. Were going together tonight. And he's open to rehab. But he doesn't need to detox. He's a bing drinker. So I'm hoping out patient will help him. He wants help. What do we do??
17 Comments Post a Comment
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4204073_tn?1361835076
I am so sorry.   I don't have any experience with this type of situation, but my children are the same ages and I worry every single day that my addiction will present itself in them.   I wish I could spare them the pain of what alcohol and drugs will do to their lives much like you would your son.   Please don't beat yourself up.   Like you said, it was his choice.   Addiction is a disease and it is proven that it runs in families.   That doesn't make it your fault.   What that does mean is that you are experienced to help him.   And he wants help, so that is all good!     :)    
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Avatar_f_tn
Oh Bama. I know this is devastating to you as well as your crew. First off, stay calm and do what you need to to help him get in the best legal place he can be in , without enabling him. This sounds like a wake up call and you have to let go to some extent. As far as you. It is in these times that you should be so great; your sober and well equipt to deal on his behalf. The alternative would be a night mare. I know many will be along to guide you as you've guided many on how to find a positive and a solution to these kinda problems. You have my support . One fire at a time.
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4626633_tn?1382600722
Oh I'm so sorry. I can see where irrationally you may blame yourself, but it's not your fault. Not you fault!

I don't know about Bama's laws. But in my state, someone I know recently was convicted of 2nd DUI. He couldn't afford an attorney, ( the kind that specialize in DUI's) but started right away with AA after the arrest. Our prisons are so overcrowded, that he got 6 months home confinement and a fine. And the order to continue the AA.

I believe it helped he had started it already. He appeared remorseful to the judge.

My heart goes out to both of you. I know nothing can hurt us like our kids. We want to protect them from everything.

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3176864_tn?1391558673
Sorry you are going through this.  The only experience I had was a friend who ended up with 3 DUI's in a short period.  The judge made him serve 45 days in work release, get a car breathlyzer and attend meetings.  As much as it was painful for him, it was the best thing that could of happened.  He cannot drink and drive anymore and his drinking has cut way back.

Be blessed your son did not hurt someone or hurt himself while driving intoxicated. He will get through this and hopefully use it as a learning experience the way we all have with our issues.
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495284_tn?1333897642
This is NOT your fault and it is NO reason to use.  Now is the time to show him that being clean and sober is the thing to do.  He is an adult now and will have to face the music.  He made the choice to drink and drive again.  Thankfully noone was hurt.  Be careful about enabling him during this time and PLEASE make sure you take care of you.
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4204073_tn?1361835076
Here in Oregon they take your license away for a DUI.   One strike and you are out.  I think i't is a year?   And they require AA meetings.   If you get caught again then you go to jail.   Period.  
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Avatar_f_tn
I don't have any plans on using. And I don't enable him or at least I think I don't. We don't drink or share drinks. I've always told all my kods to call home in theze situations.

I told him I don't have the funds to help him along with....you've got yourself in you've gotta get yourself out. I just don't get his thinking. I will support him as a mom. I will help him get help. He says he wants the help. But talk is cheap
at least he's willing to go to meetings and if nessesary rehab. Hes on a very dangerous road. I told him binge drinking is where I began. I know he's scared mad sad. And feels like a looser. but he's not. if he goes to meetings and rehab it may help. he's reaserching today. I don't know where he needs to go because he binge drinks. bad thing is if he looses his licence how will school and work work.
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495284_tn?1333897642
It is very painful to watch our kids fall.  All we can do is show them the opportunities out there for help.  We know how it feels to feel like a loser and that is a hard feeling to get rid of.  He is in NO way a loser, he is a good person who just made poor decisions.  Hopefully with some aftercare he will see what a great person he really is.  You and i both know that the substances are just a symptom of this addiction.  Binge drinking is very dangerous.  Some of the people in my area have the contraption(cant think of the real word here!) that they have to blow in to start their car so they are able to go to work.  Hopefully his PO will help him make sure he can get to work and school.  
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Avatar_f_tn
I agree with you 100%. That's how I started out my addiction. bing drinking. then coke. then full blown drinking. then pills. I know and see fhe road this kid is on. I hope he's really wanting help. god I pray he is. were going to aa together tonight. and really talking. I acknowledge all his anger. he's angry at dads accidient moms craziness. I know he is. I got him to admitt it. I told him its ok to be mad at my bad desicions. its not ok to drink them away. I also talked about my experience with alchol. he agreed 100%. about rhe start of the buzz to the black outs. am I sayimg to much??
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Avatar_f_tn
And he's not a looser. He's got a job and goes to school and is smart. Very smart. This is making me sick. But I won't use. I craving so hard. But I know its the stress. And how could I ever forgive myself if I started while trying to set an example. that would not be good.
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1827057_tn?1397523877
Yeah,don't use over this.You have six months clean?correct?
He will doubtfully do any jail time and likely will have the reigns tightened up on his probation (antabuse,monitoring,daily breathalyzer etc.) Just do not get too upset over this.At least he didn't hurt or kill anyone.It is not your fault.We cannot predict which way a kid will turn.My mom's dad was a raging abusive alcoholic who would not work.Guess what-my mom has scarcely touched a drink in her life. Don't let yourself get crazy over this and talk yourself into using.We want to hear about it before you do this-not after. Sorry you are having to go through all of this.He is not a "loser" but simply a kid who is learning a lesson,hopefully
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Avatar_f_tn
I won't use. I promise. I promise myself. I like me to much. I want to escape this. Hence the craving. I'm seven months now. And its just addict in me talking. and the stress
I'm going to a meeting with him tonight and my sponcer has been helping
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2107198_tn?1336139706
Hi Bama, so sorry to hear about this.  I would recommend getting a good lawyer ASAP.  In many cases that makes the difference in out legal system.  I know funds may be tough, but unfortunately our legal system often rewards those who can spend the most in their defense.  Good luck.

Bryan
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3197167_tn?1348972206
Hey bama mama.....isn't it odd that WE had to learn our own lessons with our addiction(s), but we expect our loved ones to learn from OURS and not have to make the same mistakes themselves?? I was like that for sure.

You said you don't understand his thinking?  You said he's a slow learner.
My head is asking me....how long did it take ME to get clean and sober?
From a very young age, I had a job, paid my bills, made good grades, went to college (some...would rather have been a hippie in Estes Park, Co LOL), and did all the "outward" things that were responsible in this life.  But it didn't change my chemical dependencies.  At 21 yrs old there was NO WAY I was learning from others....of course, I was SURE I was different.  That pride is part of our self-centeredness and our ego telling ourselves it will be different for US.  Many, many in the 12 step rooms have very high IQ's and are bright, witty people....that makes it even harder sometimes to surrender....because our spirit must be yielded to a higher power and our "heads" and intelligent brains tell us WE can do it w/o surrendering. (because we are SMART)
But then, we learn, usually the HARD way thru our relapses, mistakes, nasty consequences, how to surrender and we begin our journey to freedom.  
You can't share TOO much with your son about your addiction, imo. (except nitty gritty details about things that will hurt his heart)  I think it's a fabulous idea to go to meetings together!  Hitting 90 meetings in 90 days would bless you BOTH.  You know, it is said in the program that it doesn't matter WHAT you drink or HOW MUCH you drink or how OFTEN you drink....what matters is WHAT HAPPENS TO YOU WHEN YOU DO????
I heard of a man that drank 3 times in his life:  first time he lost his leg, second time he lost his wife, third time he lost his life.

Your son sounds open....willing......receptive. (nothing like ME at 21 LOL)  Of course he has to walk his own walk.....it's HIS walk....but having a recovering addict for a Mom can be a GIFT straight from heaven!  God can use you mightily!!
I have MANY younger generation family members growing up now and LOTS of them are facing addictions...alcohol, drugs, or both.  One of my nephews has had 2 dui's.  The first one, he had one of those devices installed in his car.....he would still drink, pass out in the back seat, and when his alcohol level lowered, could then start the frickin car!!  He got his second dui AFTER that......no license now.......STILL drinking..he's 27.  
A different nephew of mine has had a dui, lost his license, walks or takes the bus, or bums a ride everywhere he goes.  He makes it about 5 days sober, then decides he can "handle" it again.  The cycle isn't different for ANY of us tho our details are.  ALL my loved ones are having to find out for themselves.  NONE of them are learning from their moms, dads, grandparents, brothers, sisters or cousins!  All I can do is offer, reach out, and then wait. (and pray for them too, of course)
We can EQUIP without ENABLING them.  Alanon and NarAnon are GREAT for learning how to live like that.

I'm glad to hear you are determined NOT to use yourself.....why should your son stay sober if he watches his mom relapse when the chips are down?  You can SHINE bright for him....go to meetings w/him which helps BOTH of you....form a brand new bond that will never be broken and will make your relationship with him MORE precious and special.
Wishing you BOTH many blessings ahead~

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1801781_tn?1410753824
Honey, all I can say is damn!  Please stay strong for yourself.
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1579159_tn?1388706849
hello my sweet friend, i haven't been around lately and just stumbled across your post.  I am so sorry to hear about this, i know how hard this is for you and for both kids, but girl you are so strong and grounded, make sure you stay strong and take care of you first.  I think its great that you are going to go to AA together and i think hubby should go too, but in my opinion i wouldn't share to many details about your addiction.  All you can do for him is show him the way to get straight and ultimately the decision is his.  Stay strong my friend, reach out for help and you will get through this, with your strength and determination i know you will do just great.  Thinking about you.....Dana
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Avatar_f_tn
Well folks its a new day and a fresh start. we went to our first meeting together. Keep in mind I go on my own
it was weird when it came to open discusion time. I didn't say too much. Jon wanted me to say more. I told him I didn't feel like talking much last night lol. Not in front of him. Ya know what I mean?? He talked and asked questions.but I don't think he needs to know all of my secrets. I'm still mom. so.....I told him we will go together this week and to some closed discusions. but I have my own meetings and groups I like and belong to. not that he's not welcome.....just makes it awkward and he got angry and aggitated just hearing the little he hears. plus lets face it. he saw both parents do many many years of drugging and my drinking. he also is intrested in alanon. and wants ally to go to alateen. these are all positive things.

I already did 90 in 90. now I attend 2-3 times. but with this added stress. I will be going more and hubby is going too.

If you have a problem with meetings I wish you would seriously try one two or three. I would not have 7 months clean. facts are facts.

I know I have to stay sober. if not.....well.....you all k ow what will happen. nothing good comes out of being high. look at what I've done.
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