I failed. I'm sorry.. Caved in day 3 Norco detox

[Nomonorcs]

To the best support group a girl could have imagined.. I have to come clean. I failed. I'm sorry.

Day 3 felt like I was fighting the devil himself. I cried out to Jesus.. I thought about each of you. And, in the end, I could not bare and go on.

My husband was by biggest support. We went out and got all Thomas Recipe items. Except for Valium. I didn't have anything to help me sleep or for the relentless RLS. We had a safe word. He knew that this was my first attempt to of cold turkey from taking 20-30 10/325 norco a day. I knew it would be hard and I refused to get on subs. I desire a clean, sober life. All I could do is promise I would give 200%.

We prayed and hoped for the best.

I was exhausted. Felt defeated and sooooo tired. I went on almost 38 hours of no sleep. I was intoxicated and delirious.. Not being able to sleep beat me to my core.

So.. Last night,I gave in and screamed our "safe word".. My husband gave me 2 pills and after 3 hours I finally passed out.

First thing this morning was guilt, shame and I wanted to let you all know that I failed

Your comments, posts, support were my lifeline. It got me through most of it and now I know what to expect.

So.. We decided to make a plan. This morning, we talked about tapering off, then making the jump. I guess the amount I was taking was just too much for me to go cold turkey..

I'm a petite, asian girl. I'm 44 this past August and people think I look 25. I'm 4'11" and maybe 100 pounds (give or take 3 pounds these days). On the outside, I appear like the girl who has it together; fashion, hair, makeup - total aesthetic package.. But, deep down, I had a deep, dark secret.

So.. I am going to stay vigilant and connected to you all!

I am going to taper down over next few weeks and make the jump again. I know I can do it. I must do it.

Again.. Thank you all for being there, on this forum, your prayers, kind words.. Support from across the globe.

The battle is not over.

[PurrfectlyKrazy]

I was going to suggest you start a new thread with a different title.  Something more positive...because you are headed in a positive direction.  I dunno....but something that doesn't have negative words in the title because I believe that positive attracts positive and negative attracts negative.

This is going to be a fresh start so start out with a fresh (and positive) thread :-)

[PurrfectlyKrazy]

First off, I really did use the wrong phrasing...I'm gonna blame it on the continuing brain fog.  You did NOT fail....you just didn't have all the information you needed to succeed.  As they say if you do not at first succeed, try and try again.

You sound so much better today...you sound committed and focused and even a bit upbeat.  That's a good thing.....just remember we are all here to help and support you.  We cannot know what is going on with you...you have to tell us....no matter how small or how silly you might think what you have to say is...say it.  Otherwise we cannot help you.

Post a lot...if you have different symptoms or strange things going on...tell us...let us give you the benefit of what we've learned along the way.  That's the way you will succeed.  You are doing awesome!!

Remember that you are a worthy person, you are a person who deserves to love herself, you are a person who deserves a good life and by God you deserve to have everything you want in life...all you have to do is reach out and grab it!

Take care dear friend...and stay in touch with us.  I know there will be times that you won't feel up to talking...that's okay too...but at least let us know if there is something going on that you need help with.  No shame in needing help...we ALL needed help when we got off the opiates :-)

Hugz

[Ejm7263]

Not a fail at all. So brave for posting. Stay connected to us but also AA/NA.
You can do this. You got right back to the next right thing. Very proud of you.
If you can get honest & apparently you can that's a huge part of the battle.

[Nomonorcs]

I appreciate your honesty; no matter how harsh, I need honest people around me. Thank you! You're absolutely right! I set myself up to fail from the start. I know what mistakes I made. I have taken every single bit of advice you have offered,  thank you! As for the RLS, God I wish I knew about that before!  Would have helped so much.

Again, thanks for your honest feedback. For the first time,  I have found real, honest people that truly want the best for me. More than I can say for all the so called friends and acquaintances I have now.

I am still committed and more encouraged than you can imagine!

Thanks again!

[Nomonorcs]

Thank you msdelight!

At my next dr appt I am going to lay everything on the line with my dr. He is the only one I go to, he's been our family dr for almost 15 years and I can trust him and be honest without any judgement. I'm so thankful for that!

Again.. Thanks so much for your kind words :)

[msdelight]

Hey there you sound awesome! Please know,, that you did not fail. Getting clean is a process. You were taking an awful lot of pills, so in the grand scheme big picture you are doing GREAT! Look how much you've learned already. I like your plan.Having any access to pills during detox is a mental crutch that keeps you from fully surrendering to the process. When you finish that taper, make sure your dealers, doctors, dentists and pharmacy know that it's absolutely over between you and drugs. Start going to meetings now so when you jump there will be a non chemical net. Attitude is everything. Keep moving ahead!

[Nomonorcs]

Good morning everyone. My friend gave me a Valium. I've never taken one in my life and it knocked me on my ***. I slept 10 hrs last night. Woke up at 4am and sitting here, touched by every single one of you.

You are all right. The pills were the last 2 in the house because I wanted to know that if I needed, In that desperate moment, I could have a life line. It was all mental. Don't get me wrong, my husband refused on my several attempts to cave in but after almost 36 hrs of NO sleep.. I think he felt I just needed to get some sleep. He is a strong person. Our goal with the CT was my first honest attempt to do anything after almost a decade of this disgusting addiction. He was thankful I wanted to do it period.

I shared with him all of your advice and we both agree. NO SAFE WORD next time. But, I will do the taper. He will hold on to my pills. I will have my last dr appt and he will keep the pills locked up at his office. I am getting a new ph#, destroying old phone and contacts.

I am committed, our taper plan will be one month and then the jump, I am starting with 8 a day for 4 days, them 6.. Until I am down to 2.

I know I can do this. I have written down all of your suggestions in my journal and will make it next time.

I pray for the day I can offer my testimony and help someone else.. You all have been the most amazing family (real, honest) I have come to lean on this last week.

This too shall pass and I will beat this!

[gnarly_1]

Hi well like Sarah said you havent lost the war as long as your still fighting it took me 8 1/2 gruling months to taper off methadone if you on hydros you should be able to do it in less then a month just drop when you feel the withdrawal stop for a wile wait until the withdrawal is managable and drop again there is no comfortable way to do this when you get down to a lower dose you will be in a constant state of withdrawal keep posting for support we all want to see you make it........................................Gnarly.....................................

[meegWpaw]

you've been trying so hard and I've seen how much you put into this fight.  don't give up.  you can do this, either with a taper or ct.  but ya, get the pills away from you ... if you taper you need to stick to the taper exactly ... don't deviate.  good luck!  :)

[bama88]

It's very common to relapse in the third day....that was the day I would give into taking pills....it's very very common to want to try to do something else...it's perfectly normal to try to taper.  Some are sucessful some are not...
I do agree with perfect kitty that you've got to dump that safe word...it won't work.  And she brings up an important point about is your husband gonna be able to stay firm and say no when he needs to..cause you will try to get more...

We all want you want...build your defense by adding support from family friends meetings.....you can do this.....

Don't dwell on the relapse, think of the three days as a trial run....try and try and try again until you suceed.  There's no such thing as failures, otherwise known as practice

[slneedshelp]

Don't feel alone when I did cold turkey I only made it 24 hours I have been tapering eversince except I have been holding on to my  own pills. You need lots of willpower so far so good for me . I was taking as many as you now IM down half that IM doing it in my own time. So it can be done I will be proof.I really want off them.don't stop trying.

[PurrfectlyKrazy]

Some things to help with sleep and rls:

For the restless leg syndrome you can either get tonic water (with quinine in the list of ingredients .. I used Schweppe's).  I don't like the taste of the water so I put some of the sugar-free crystal lite in it..tangerine flavor I believe which made it tolerable).  Sip on that throughout the night until bedtime.  Rub either Ben Gay or Tiger Balm into the calves of your legs and then put on a pair of orthopedic socks...you know the kind?  They are open on the toes...go up to the knees and are very, very tight).  Sounds weird but it is the one thing that really worked for me...once you conquer the RLS sleep isn't as hard to get...I at least would get 4 hours.

The other thing people recommend is Hyland's Restless Leg Tablets but there are two kinds and you have to be sure to get the one that has quinine in it...this is a tablet that you put under your tongue.

Some people say to use ace bandages for your upper legs and arms...once again wrap them very tight.

The 2nd thing you mentioned was the Valium.  For sleep and rest you can get Sundown Naturals Melatonin.  It also has valerian root, passion flower, calcium magnesium and other herbals.  They all help with either sleep or with relaxation.

Just before you set your legs up for the night take a very hot bath with Epsom Salts and soak for at least 15 minutes.  This will help draw toxins out of you.  Then set up your socks and wraps and crawl into bed.  One friend in here used a relaxation tape once she got to bed...she said using the combination helped her relax and sleep and in fact her husband sent a message saying something like "Thank God" lol.  Apparently she'd been keeping him awake with her kicking.

These are things that you can use whether you go CT or taper.  At a certain point in the taper (towards the end) apparently you will get some of these symptoms though not as bad as CT symptoms.

Hope these suggestions help out.  As I said before...come post and tell everyone what is going on...if we know we can tell you some solutions and perhaps be able to prevent you from lapsing again.

Best of luck to you xox

[jifmoc]

Hi girl. I agree w/ Purrfectly Krazy: if you HAVE the pills at your disposal OF COURSE you're gonna take em. Why are they in your house again?

None of us would make it thru detox if we had pills: that's the disease itself. Most of us cannot taper either: if we could have, we would have. You know, you can have your valium during the initial detox: lack of sleep was a horror for all of us. You don't have to be a saint thru this. Although you only want to take a benzo for a very short time: don't wanna get a new addiction.

But, please, please consider what we've said: we've all been there before and we are speaking from experience.

[PurrfectlyKrazy]

p.s.  If you CT again and you feel yourself giving in..even if you don't have pills at hand come here...post what is going on, share your feelings...recovery is "we" not "I".  We are in this together.  It might take longer to get a response if it is 3 in the morning but you can read other postings while you wait.  That's what I did.  You will find others wide awake at the same time too for the very same reason and you will find yourself bonding with them.  In my case it was 61Chevy...he hasn't been around much lately because he has a new granddaughter and is naturally spending a lot of time with her and with his lady.  61Chevy and I both had insomnia and would send PM's to each other...trying to make each other laugh...sometimes we cried...most times we found out we were feeling the same thing at the same time and that helps SO much!!!

Please keep that in mind...your recovery and aftercare will be more effective if you share and talk!

[Chelsanna]

Thats a big jump too take. Hopefully tapering will be much easier, it has been for me get it down as low as you can, it will yake time but it's worth it, good luck

[PurrfectlyKrazy]

Please don't be so hard on yourself.  Most of the people in here have tried and failed several times.  No one here is going to judge you for what happened...not one single person.  So move on and find out what went wrong and try to avoid the trigger this time.

My suggestion is that if you tried to go cold turkey and kept "safe word" pills...well you set yourself up to fail.  Your brain knew you had those pills in the house and set itself to make you feel so miserable that you would give it what it wanted...the pills.  This is a subconscious thing...you aren't consciously thinking I'm going to take a pill...your subconscious is going "let me think she hurts a lot more than she really does because I want one of those pills...maybe 2).

My concern is since you failed at CT with pills at hand is whether you can succeed in tapering.  For one, we are not allowed to give tapering information because we aren't doctors.

First thing is....you have to tell your husband that he cannot give in....if you select a certain amount per day for a certain amount of days he has to stick to it and that is hard for our loving partners to do because they don't want us to be in pain.  If he cannot do that you will fail.  If he cannot lock the pills up so you can't get to them short of bombing a safe you will probably fail.

I don't want to be mean...I just want to be honest with you.  If you truly feel you will be more successful tapering then I won't argue with you...go for it.  If you have any doubt at all then try the CT again...but if you do you have to cut off ALL supplies.  I destroyed my pills by crushing them, putting them in the pill bottle, I peed in the bottle (gross I know but effective and you could use other liquids) and then I threw the bottle in the large dumpster.  That way I couldn't use them even if I pulled them back out and a dumpster diver couldn't use them either.

You have to tell your doctor and pharmacist that you are an addict and that you are quitting.  You have to destroy any phone numbers of suppliers (this is if you buy off of anyone but a pharmacist)  Unless you get rid of all the supply and all avenues to getting pills you just set yourself up for failure.

I'm not sure if the quantity you jumped from is the problem...many people have CT detoxed from much greater amounts with success.  The only difference probably is they didn't have any pills to turn to when things got bad.  No matter what detox is not fun...even if you taper you will have detox symptoms afterwards and for months to come...not as bad no...but it takes a long time for our bodies and brains to get healthy again.

Please discuss both of these things with your husband...then make a good informed decision...come back..let everyone know what you've decided and we'll go from there.

You are part of our MH Family here so please come back, don't feel embarrassed and you didn't let anyone down except yourself okay?

[newoutlook12]

You can do this just pick yourself up and try again the most important thing is that you were honest about what you did.  You should hit up a meeting and keep going it will help you a ton.

[dominosarah]

You never fail as long as you keep trying.  You have a plan in place now to taper and you have your husband to help.  Some people just cant do the CT thing.  Check into some aftercare also.  Using is just a symptom of what is really going on.

[lulu747]

Honey you did NOT fail.
As you said, you've talked to your husband and have come up with a plan to taper.  There is absolutely NO shame in that.  You were taking A LOT of norco and that would be a pretty hellish detox for sure.  I came off a large dose of oxy and it was about 3 weeks of physical symptoms and no sleep.  But I had no job and no responsibility at the time and had tons of support.  I'd been tapering for a long time and just wanted OFF.
It was a shock to my system though- I lost a ton of weight and I am extremely petite like you.  I stopped menstruating for 13 months afterwards.
The battle is NOT over.
Listen, it doesn't matter how you get off or how long it takes- it only matters that you desire to be clean.
You can still attend aftercare while tapering and I would highly recommend this.  It truly is the secret to recovery and gives you the tools to not only get clean but to STAY clean.
Make sure that your husband is in control of the pills at all times.  And you cannot have a safe word while tapering.  You MUST stick to it.  You will still experience withdrawal symptoms that will be uncomfortable- but nothing compared to what the cold turkey was.
Keep the prize in sight-
A beautiful, drug free life filled with clarity.
Bless-
Lu