son in denial

[looking4help2009]

My 20 year old stepson has been battling drugs for at least 5 years.  About 3 years ago he graduated to heroin.  He has experienced two severe heroin overdoses, the most recent being Aug. 2008 when he was left with temporary leg paralysis due to the position he was in for a prolonged time while unconscious. After one day he signed himself out of inpatient rehab at the hospital and came home with a list of medications including tramadol, methadone, vicodin, and neurotin to treat his pain from withdrawal and the damage done to his legs. At that time we had no idea what any of these drugs were except for vicodin and trusted the doctors advice on how to treat his issues.  Since then we have discovered he is abusing just about all of them. He does not admit to anything even when caught. He has become mobil and was driving himself to PT and Dr appts.  About three weeks ago he had a seizure at home due to his misuse/abuse of the prescription meds at which time they did a thorough drug screening and did not cite heroin as the cause, although we suspected. That was when we discovered the significance of the prescription medications he is taking.  We recently discovered he did relapse and used heroin around that time as well.  He only acknowledges his use after lying lying and lying. He says he was clean for four months which seems like a joke given all the prescription meds he is on. He did start seeing a therapist a few months ago but hasn't kept all the appointments and I'm not sure how honest he's been with her.  We are at the end of our rope as to what to do to help him.  We love him so much but he lies so much we never know what to believe and he is not at all receptive to inpatient or outpatient rehab saying it doesn't work.  Right now he is staying at his sister's due to the stress brought on by his recent relapse and lies.  He seems remorseful but doesn't ever do anything proactive to move forward. He still claims to experience significant pain from the damage done to his legs in August but how can we even be sure of that?  He can walk without assistance but still doesn't have full mobility of his legs.  What can we do to help him?          

[liscamdave]

Flmagi is completely right on...when I came here, all these people helped me and it gave me the motivation to stop. Both me and my husband were addicts and he over dosed and died. It was the hardest thing in my life. WHen he died, I was so addicted and scared I wanted to die myself. And if it were not for my daughter, I would have done just that. My point being, when I came here, everyone inspired me and gave me the motivation I needed to start the process of getting clean. And it took many attempts, but I kept trying. Him dying was my rock bottom and coming here and my daughter were my motivation to quit. He needs to talk to people who have been where he is. And there are so many people here trying to quit and he can talk to them. He needs to know that you all will support him in any and every way possible if he gets help and if not, you cannot condone it. And the sister shouldn't either. All she is doing is enabling him and allowing him to continue on this way. I can tell you this, my husbands sisters didn;t know he was an addict nor did they know I was. When we got really bad, I knew we needed to stop, but we were both so addicted and he did NOT want to stop. But had his family knew, they would have done what they needed to do to get him help. I am not saying you are not doing that, I can see you are doing all you can, but you need to talk to that sister of his or your daughter and tell her she needs to tell him he has to go until he is visibly trying to get help. If he agrees to get help, maybe it doesn't have to be a rehab. He can try suboxone and counseling and NA meetings. THere are many here who haven't done a rehab and are clean. Myself being one of them. I did a sub treatment then started addiction counseling. There are many options. I think if he gave rehab a shot, he may see there are so many people like him he can confide in.

So again, tell him what his options are...and you can always drug test him to see if he is making the effort to quit. You all have to put your foot down and let him know this is absolutely enough. And that you love him and will help him in his quest to get clean and you will NOT help him further his addiction. Let him know you are doing this so he is here and with you for many years to come, clean and happy. He can do it. And you can help him. But again, the more she lets him live there and he can go about his normal life..nothing will ever change, except that he may get worst...I am not trying to scare you, I am just trying to tell you what the possibilities are...

We are here for you and if you can get him to come here, let us know immediately who he is and we will all pull together and help him out...

Lisa

Also, feel free to send me a private message if you want to talk further...

[scaredmom330]

unfortunantly right now I don't have much of a relationship with my son. I know it has to be this way, I can't continue to enable him to use drug/alchol around me. I live in TN, he is In so when he does call and tells me something I usually follow up with his brother to find out if it is true and the whole story. I know it is sad but this is the only way I can keep my sanity. He was breaking apart the family and hurting my marriage. Hubby and I basically moved 6 hours away to get away from him, the stress of the lies, drug abuse, car accidents because of them, and the numorous times he has been in jail. I decided that as long as I was there to fix his problems he wouldnt grow up and realize he made the problem and now has to pay the price. I can't tell you it will be easy, but it is better to be tough with them then bury them... My heart goes out to you, I'm sorry you are going through this but don't let it affect your marriage. you just have to be tough with him. pm me anytime...

[looking4help2009]

Thank you so much for your post. It is a tremendous help to get the perspective of others who have also been affected by addiction. I agree he would benefit from this forum because of the hope and determination you and others have and are actively taking control of your situation. Thanks again and good luck to you.  

[commander1]

my advice would be to help him set up an account on this forum. seriously, this is really helping me. heis probably at an age when he feels invincible and that he can do whatever he wants in order to kill emotional pain. he will not realize the long-term affects of his actions on his body until 5 or 10 years from now when his heart starts acting up, his teeth start falling out and his viens are hardened. show him this forum, with an open heart and mind and maybe it will make a breakthrough. i know where he is because i have been there. the only thing that halped me was the unconditional, non-judgemental suport of my mom and family. i knew i was worrying them with my non-stop drug abuse and it took alot of balls for me to open up like this but i can tell him that it feels so good to know that i have the power to control my own behaviour. herion, opiates...etc. they do not control me. i control them. please try to show him these posts, print them out and with an open heart, present them to him. he will come around in his own time. in the meantime, know that there really is nothing you can do to stop him. he must stop himself. good luck. KEEP YOUR HEAD POSITIVE and everything will work out.

[looking4help2009]

This site has been very informative as well as inspirational to me and I agree that they may also be able to find help and hope here. Thanks will give it a try

[flmagi]

If there is any way of getting your son on this forum to do some reading and talking with the people here, maybe, just maybe, he'll get some inspiration. Perhaps getting his sister on here as well, may also help with her understanding of how she may be enabling him.
For your step-son, talking to other addicts here may give him the hope, understanding and inspiration he needs. Not that you're doing anything wrong. It's just something other addicts truly understand and he can't BS another addict. We've all been there.
Good luck to you.

[looking4help2009]

I pray for that day. He hides his addiction so well.  Even while he was living here he could go quite awhile before slipping up and getting caught.  It's just so hard to tell anymore.

[looking4help2009]

What's so difficult though is how to tell the difference between whether he's really trying to recover and relapsed or manipulating us again.  I read posts of some people who relapse regret it terribly and work towards recovery again and benefit tremendously from support. We don't want to deny him our love and support to get better. He says he lies to us because he's afraid we will kick him out again. We kick him out because he lies to us.  He lies to us because he uses heroin. It just feels like a lose lose situation. It makes us wonder if we will even recognize when he does really want to stay clean. How do you ever rebuild the trust that is needed to repair our relationship??  It's so helpful to read the words of others when the situation from here seems so unclear. Thanks to all for your thoughts.  

[scaredmom330]

as sad as it is all the previous post are true...you and your husband are victims of his addiction as much as he is. but until he hits rock bottom and everyone turns their back on him he isnt gonna get better...trust me my son is addicted to soma's and has became a drunk on top of that. I have learned the hard way to tell him I love him but will not talk to him while he is using. if he calls and is drunk or high I tell him I love him and to call me back when he is sober, if he needs help with his bills I don't give him cash but pay the bill myself. I have to make sure his children have a home, with heat and electricity. I will not turn my back on them but have my son. I know it is hard but you can't live your life always worried about him..

[looking4help2009]

It is hard to determine where the fine line is between support and enabling when you are so emotionally involved and want so desperately for him to recover.  We have come to the realization that what we were doing doesn't work.  The sad part now is that he thinks we hate him. Just the opposite is true though we love him and are terrified of losing him and know that being here was not working.  He was getting his meds from a MD and we have since informed the Dr. of our recent discoveries of his misuse/abuse of the scripts.  He is probably addicted to the prescription meds he has been taking now as well.  It's troubling to wonder how that is going to pan out.  Our daughter feels like we are turning our back on him and she feels she can't let her little brother live in the streets.  He is very good at saying what you want to hear and creating hope but never takes a proactive step towards getting the help he needs.  He insists that inpatient rehab doesn't work and always wants to do things his way which is how he ended up with a private counselor. I don't think he was completely honest with her either though. We've thought he had hit rock bottom a few times in the past year.  Once when he came to us crying saying he was totally addicted to heroin and needed help.  That was when he ended up at the emergency room and then admitted to the hospital for pneumonia but never followed through with rehab.  Then in August of 2008 when he nearly died from an OD and is still trying to recover from the effects.  We are so fearful of what it's going to take for him to realize what he's doing to himself.  Now he justifies his most recent slip up as a relapse and that it happens and we should accept that. We feel so ignorant to what he's going through.    

[liscamdave]

You can't. That;s it. Point blank. If everyone is enabling him to do it, then he will. I don't mean that to be mean at all. I know he is your stepson and you all care for him. But if he has a warm place to live, rent free and a family that loves him no matter what..well..then what does he have to lose exactly??? Man, I probably woulnd't have stopped either. Do you see what I mean? If she allows him to live with her, rent free and supports him, he is going to keep doing what he is doing. For most addicts, who haven't come to the realization they need serious help, they need to hit some sort of rock bottom before they actually decide to get help. Something drastic has to happen or change for him. His resources need to be cut off. How does he get his meds??

[looking4help2009]

We have tried many things. My husband and I attended an alanon meeting about a year ago but did not find what we were looking for.  It seems this site has provided more insight than the alanon meeting did. He did come clean about a year ago in a hospital admitted through an emergency room. He was kept there because he had pneumonia.  That time didn't last long though. And I think there has been periods where he has been clean.  Maybe a month or so.  He seems to have the strength after an episode for a short time then succumbs to the cravings.  On some level I do think he realizes what he's doing to his family and that causes remorse and I also think he wants to come clean but the addiction is stronger than his willpower.  It's hard to show support for him right now because he is manipulating the whole system - doctors and therapists included.  The lying is hard to cope with which is how he ended up at his sisters.  She doesn't want to see her brother on the street and is trying to support him in her own way.  In many ways his addiction is tearing our family apart which is killing me. How can we support him if he won't admit to his problem?        

[ghstshadow]

First of all your son needs to accept that he has a problem and will need all the help he can get to overcome it. He needs to wake up and realize that he is literally killing himself. But until he does this the best you can do is to let him know you love him,(but not his habits.)  Show him all your support, offer him rides to appointments etc.  What good is remorse if you only run to your room and get high to drown out the voices of your conscience?           Good things take time and coming down off opiates is the worst feeling i have ever experianced.  

[liscamdave]

Wow, well, most likely he is making his leg pain a little more dramatic then what it actually is. He is probably doing that to get continous paid meds. That is horrible. When I was in active addiction, I used to buy my drugs off the street and actually wished something would happen that would warrant me a legal script so I wouldn't have to spend my own money..can you believe that...

Anyway, your poor son won't get the help he needs until he acknowledges his problem and wants help. The bad news is he is young so he may not realize it for a while but it will come to him. He needs to be aware of how this is effecting everyone. WHy is the sister putting him up?