starting over...again!

[YesLife4Me]

I was doing good, feeling pretty good, then got a bad cold/flu and was hurting, negative, frustrated, bored, you name it...and an opportunity presented itself a couple weeks back and I couldn't say no.  I have asked myself a million times over why, but the bottom line is I wanted to.   My mind kept telling me I am on the right track posting here, getting after care support, etc, but for some reason, the more I talked about it, and the more I read about other peoples struggles, the more I wanted to.   So here I am on day 2 again.  Sitting here clammy, achey, tired, with a bad tummy.  Just wanted to be honest.  And to tell the truth, I wouldn't be on day 2 if my connection hadn't come up dry.  This is a connection I cannot avoid and was worried would be my downfall.  I am disappointed in myself and really do want to live without these stupid norcos dominating my thoughts and life.  So here we go again.

[YesLife4Me]

I guess I just need some reassurance or encouragement since I am beating myself up at the moment.  Thanks.

[Pat1956100]

I relapsed several times, over and over and over again.  It just finally got so bad that my desire to quit was stronger than my desire to use.
It just seems part of this crazy process for some of us.
You don't have to do it over and over.  You can save yourself from all of that if you decide to quit now.
I also knew that once I had decided to quit the first time, I was never happy again when I was using.  I always knew I had to quit, that I would be out of contol in no time, needing more and more.

Please stop beating yourself up and just focus on your recovery.  We have all been in your shoes and I bet you are feeling so down right now.

Keep posting and stay clean.

Hugs
Pat

[clean_in_ks]

You did it once and you can do it again...but what are you going to do DIFFERENT this time?
Can you share this connection that you "cannot avoid"?
Can you share the aftercare habits you thought you had in place?
Maybe we can talk you thru some of that and help for THIS time.
Encouragement and support will always be yours, just know that in your heart.  Beating yourself up is natural, but unproductive.  Instead of feeding yourself those kinds of self-destructive thoughts, how bout what have I learned?  What can I do different?
I have a friend that hits 4 meetings a day to "turn off" the I just can't say no tape in her head.  We must CHOOSE to take some action that doesn't feed that constant lie to our brains.  You CAN....and I hope you will~

[LeaAnn807]

There's no need in beating yourself up.  What good is that?  No one here is in any place to judge, so don't worry.  But.....we can only help so much, and as you know, you have to do the rest.  You say you can't avoid this "connection?" Why? If you have to avoid someone to save your own life, then I suppose you'll have to if you want to stay clean.  Were you going to meetings?  Counseling?  You said after care, so I was just curious where the fail happened? (fail isn't a good word, but my brain isn't thinking of another one) If you start to work a program and get REALLY strong, you will be able to say "NO!"  I promise you that!  So, start again, and make sure that you're working every day on staying clean.  If you're not working on staying clean, you're probably working on a relapse, IMO.  You know, you can totally do this!  No more beating on yourself.  Stay around here.  Don't dwell on the negative.  Get out and get some exercise.  Even if it's just a little each day.  Don't go around this person who you get pills from.  Take the necessary OTC stuff and lots of hot baths, and pamper yourself a little, ok?  It's gonna be ok.  

[YesLife4Me]

Thank you Pat.  Your response made me tear up.  I am sooo tired of this.  And you are right..I didn't feel good when using again.  There is no easy way or short cut out of this.   Nobody is more disappointed than me.   And now that I feel yucky, its just a sad reminder of the progress I threw away.  :(    I wont get so sure of myself this time...one day at a time...and hopefully this is my last time.  

[YesLife4Me]

This person is my grandbabies daddy.  I have to see him when I pick up or drop him off when my daughter is at work.   I told him I didn't want anymore and was wanting to stay away, but when I was weak, I asked and he gave me some.  Stupid, stupid, stupid!   They work opposite schedules and have little help with childcare, so I help when I can.   I can't avoid him forever!   As far as aftercare, I was hitting meetings and here.  I guess that wasn't enough.  Wanted to tell my Dr, but don't want to be red flagged.  That bothers me so much!  And I don't get them from my Dr to begin with.  

[LeaAnn807]

Well, ok, let's just get you through the WDs, and then you can see about what aftercare will work better for you.  You probably need to tell your doc.  If you are serious about staying clean, who cares about being flagged?  You don't WANT pills anymore.  If he is a good doc, he won't do that to you anyway.  He will help you.  If you only used for a couple of weeks, maybe it won't be too bad.  Depends on how long you were clean??  Anyway, you can treat the WDs with OTC stuff pretty easily.  Get some Nyquil, Imodium, Gatorade and be sure and stay hydrated.  You already know all this though! : )  You can do it!  Hang in there.  It's half over already for the physical stuff.....the bad part at least!

[YesLife4Me]

I should add that I didn't go to any meetings before this happened.  I got buried at work so I couldn't get away.   I live out of town and meetings are at 7 so I can't afford to go home then back to town again.  

[Fireby29]

This is just my experience, you may be able to avoid it, but I HAD to cut ALL sources.  I had to set up protection for possible surprise connects by telling family and close friends I am addicted to narcotics.

While it was embarrassing as heck, I have such calm these days because I know I am protected from getting weak.  Because I know I will get weak at some point and when I cave, it just flat cannot get any narcs.

The red-flag thing, as someone who is red flagged everywhere, does not mean if you shatter your ankle or something you will not get narcs for pain.  It means that it just takes a lot more work to get them, more contact between doc and pharmacy at a couple of levels.  Don't beat yourself up, just get back at it.

Bryan

[YesLife4Me]

Well the wd aren't as bad as the last time, but they are there.  Yesterday all I wanted was to sleep.  Today I have the sweats and some minor bathroom issues.  The energy is low but not as low as before, so that's good I guess.  I don't feel as achey either and have a small appetite.  No anxiety or restless legs/arms..whew!   I have that to be thankful for.  

[Pat1956100]

I'm glad the withdrawals aren't too bad for you.  The depression really can get to you though and it just gets worse, the more often you use.
You said you dropped your grandson off to your connection?
Is he using?  That just really scared me. I know it's your son in law and I am assuming he is separated from your daughter?
How do you feel about that?

[gnarly_1]

Hi.....well embrace the withdrawal it is the beginning to the end of your pill use it is going to be tuff but your going to have to set down some boundary's with this guy and the pillls he has GOT to Know your not looking for some forever not just today this may seam like a challenge but if you really want it you can make it happen I cannot stress the importance of aftercare enough I lost 950 clean days to some sleeping pills not even my drug of choice but I had let my aftercare go .....now N/A is a priority did 90 meeting in 90 days to get back on track and I got a few days shy of 7mo clean again  just know if you want this bad you can have it just takes a little work on your part lets get you detoxed here then we can move on to aftercare....just wanted to wish you some luck here keep pushing forward.......Gnarly        

[YesLife4Me]

Yeah the depression is the hardest part.  Im sure that played a role in,my relapsing as well.   My daughter is still with him.  We have had many discussions about him using as well as my problem.   I don't like it, but being an addict myself, all I can do is encourage him and hope he gets to where he wants to quit.  

[Pat1956100]

I am glad she is with him. Maybe you can tell her you have quit and that you no longer want pills.  She will tell him to never give you pills again and he will listen to her lol.  Just an idea.
I know it's so hard when it's easy to get pills.  That is why I kept relapsing.  Right now, it's not easy for me.  You must think about it, every time you see him.  I know I did with my easy connection.
Before too long, I couldn't take it anymore and asked her for some.

[Abby_916]

Please don't beat yourself up about something that is done. Believe me, many of us have been where you are right now. I went thru one heck of a withdrawal this time, but it ENDS! You already know that. As bad as the WD were for me, I feel like its harder to STAY clean. It's a battle everyday, but it can be overcome. Aftercare is the way to go. I know for me, I just can't do it alone. I need the reassurance of others, especially those that have been thru the same thing, to tell me it gets better. And it does! Get yourself thru the withdrawals, and then focus on staying clean. We are all with you and we understand. Good luck and stay strong!

[YesLife4Me]

Thanks gnarly.  You are right..at the time it is only temporary and this last bout when he couldn't get more just provoed to me that it can't go on forever.  The pills and/or money always runs out and then Im left sitting alone like now.

Pat, everytime I see him I think about it.  Its impossible not to.  I have told my daughter but she really doesn't have much influence over him when it comes to that.   I have told him no several times, so I know I can.  

[Teresa1717]

Dont beat yourself up over this! Relapse is part of recovery. The most important thing you can do is figure out what you need to do differently this time right? So you cant avoid your source per se but what yiou can do is tell him its ABSOLUETLY not acceptable to have them around me or offer them to me and if you do then we will have to figure out some other arrangement for the grandbaby. I know we all say cut out your sources and in most cases we NEED to but sometimes we cant, so its a matter of figuring out an alternative and putting a firm plan in place.

Also, Others have said, work on aftercare! It has kept me sober these last 24 hours and it really does work! Having an AA;/NA meeting to go to, Therapy, anything like that helps when you have weak moments. I am concerned for you that you said you only are w/d again because yoru connection came up dry? Thats a red flag to me that you definitely need aftercare of some sort!

We are all here for you and most have been there where you are. Relapse ***** but its all part of the process until your mind gets strong enough to beat this disease! Stay close to us, we will help you through it!

[YesLife4Me]

That's what concerns me too.  Its like wd has become a part of who I am and I don't like it.  I don't want to endure wd until I can get more.  I need off this crazy ride, but scared on how to live without it.  This started 5 years ago...and I have no reason to continue on this self destructive course.  I can't for the life of me figure out why I can't stay away.  I've been chronically relapsing for 6 months now.  It is like I want to be done, but then I get wore down from the mental part.  I know where this goes, but before I know it, Im there again.  Ugh!  Hate myself today.  

[Teresa1717]

If any of us could answer the question as to WHY we relapse, noone would be an addict! Everything your describing is exactly how I felt, and sometimes still feel. When I decided to stop I just knew I couldnt live that life anymore. I was going to end up dead or in jail. I guess you have to get to that point of is the fact you will always be an addict. We are never "cured"  of this but rather having to constantly reassess and readjust our mind. But I promise, if you put in the work, You can do this! There are many here who never thought they could but yet they did! Dont think about the fact you have relapsed, just focus on what you can do different. And please dont hate yourself. That wont do you any good.

Pick yourself up from your boot straps and march ahead! Today is Day 2 and thats something!

[YesLife4Me]

Im starting to feel a little better late in the afternoon.  The bathroom issue and sweats have subsided.  Not yawning as much and mentally I am not in a heavy fog.  I have so much to live for, so maybe this was a learning experience.   I know tomorrow will be a better day and I feel better about myself after posting and reading your comments.  Day 3 usually is a turning point and each day is better beyond that.   Please pray for me to keep my guard up and strength for me to fight off the demons...for I know they will come knocking on my door.  

[Pat1956100]

You just really do get sick and tired of being sick and tired.
I went 9 months in and out of withdrawals and I honestly felt if I didn't make it this time, I never would.  I am only on Day 17 but for me this is a record and I really don't ever want to use again.  Yes, I have cravings for oxy.
I eat chocolate, go far a walk, clean, vacuum or if it's really strong I post on here for help and it works.  It saved me.

[clean_in_ks]

Here's an analogy; not being flip or anything, but word pictures help me when nothing else can.

Once you are a pickle (addict) you can't EVER be a cucumber (just one pill or controlled user) again!

And you know that pickles dry out and shrivel up unless they're in a brine which gives them flavor and crispness!  (meetings, meetings, counseling, surrounding ourselves with others whose VERY SAME GOAL is to stay clean and sober) that environment is "our" brine.

[YesLife4Me]

Very true Pat.  And I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.  This sure gets old.   Im proud of you for making it this far.   Now you are blazing a pth for me.  

And clean...lol.  well put!  I am not a cucumber, can never be one again, no matter how badly I want to be.  I need to find my brine to keep me from shriveling up.  Thank you!  

[Pat1956100]

Well I just checked my tracker and I am on Day 18 lol.  Crazy that I lost track.  
I am blazing a path for you is right.  You keep following.  I know you want this.