Aa
there is hope
I am almost Kingston days clean....whoot whoot. It hasn't been easy to.do. but its so freeing to know I am no longer planning my life around all the pills. If ya know what I mean.
What made the difference in my journey this time awash knowing I was in control. If that makes any sense. To find the reason I wanted off. To stop playing games with myself. The mental games we play are the worst. When I came here I was so overloaded with medical issues and a ton of stress. Getting high was a way of taking a break from life. I took a eight year hiatus. Lol. And I do understand why I did. I needed it to cope.
However. Little by little I also wrestled with the fact of I know this will come to an end. I know one day I will have to stop. I can't take pain pills for ever.......can I ?? Logically speaking no. Lol. Yet its so hard to stop. We all know that or we wouldn't be here. Yet we all need to be here.
The sad thing is taking all those pills masked a serious illness I have and made me live a very unhealthy lifestyle. Looking back to what happened isn't pretty at all.
All the attempts at getting clean and staying clean were not in vain. Nope. All the to yoing from super high days to sick days served their purposes.
What made the difference in my journey this time awash knowing I was in control. If that makes any sense. To find the reason I wanted off. To stop playing games with myself. The mental games we play are the worst. When I came here I was so overloaded with medical issues and a ton of stress. Getting high was a way of taking a break from life. I took a eight year hiatus. Lol. And I do understand why I did. I needed it to cope.
However. Little by little I also wrestled with the fact of I know this will come to an end. I know one day I will have to stop. I can't take pain pills for ever.......can I ?? Logically speaking no. Lol. Yet its so hard to stop. We all know that or we wouldn't be here. Yet we all need to be here.
The sad thing is taking all those pills masked a serious illness I have and made me live a very unhealthy lifestyle. Looking back to what happened isn't pretty at all.
All the attempts at getting clean and staying clean were not in vain. Nope. All the to yoing from super high days to sick days served their purposes.
Im so happy for you Bama! You have come so far in this journey. We started about the same time. You have been there for me. I always think of you often! I am happy that you have come this far!!! I know that you are going to do this! It woulda been so much easier to give in and walk away. I am in awe of your will and determintation. I love ya girl!! Sending love and (((((((hugs))))))))!!!!!!!!!! ~Bkitty
Hi Bama, So glad your still on track and posting your wise words and experiences. As you said, it's been a process and all it's up's and downs had their purpose. So glad your doing so well.
Hi bama, great to see you here! I remember when I first joined and how inspirational you were to me, and you still are. What a strong, determined lady you are! Just wanted to say hi before I have to go off to work.
Big hugs and thank you,
Minn
Big hugs and thank you,
Minn
What a great inspirational post. Thank u so much for sharing so much great details that we can all relate to. I felt like I'm reading my story. Congrats on sobriety!!!! U are doing awesome. I can't wait to be where u are!! I will get there!!! Congrats again
Hi pat. I was worried about u. I haven't seen u on here today. I hope ur hanging in there!!! Big hugs!!!
Doing great...150 clean today. You and a lot of the folks on this forum made it possible. Keep us posted.
Hi Bama,
You certainly give me hope. I have read alot of your posts and know that you battled hard for this. I have been at it for 2 months now and while I have reduced my intake greatly, the longest I have gone is 10 days.
I thought this was going to be easy. I had no idea how much these drugs messed up your body and your mind.
I figured 5 days withdrawing and I would be golden. I was taking a ton of percocets and oxy's. The first time I tried I caved on Day 3 from the fear of the withdrawals. I didn't know the worst was almost over. Then I found this forum. I tried again and again and would take a pill here and there to ease the withdrawals not realizing I was only prolonging it.
Then I made it 10 days and caved due to a bad panic attack.
I went on a bit of a binge and have managed to withdraw again but still take a couple here and there for badly needed energy or just my body screaming for them.
I am not afraid of withdrawals anymore. I am afraid of not quitting.
I am so afraid and so disappointed that i haven't beat this by now but your post has given me hope that I can and will.
I am slowly finding out that everything everyone tells me, no matter how harsh, is true.
I have a tenant who lives in an apt. in my house who was my supplier. As long as there are pills available I will use. I can't evict her until I find someone new as right now the rent is desperately needed but I have to find a way not to go near her. I know if she wasn't around with pills I would be clean by now.
Thanks for listening and congrats to you. I know how hard it is. I can't say the hardest thing I have ever done, burying my husband was, but this is a close second.
You certainly give me hope. I have read alot of your posts and know that you battled hard for this. I have been at it for 2 months now and while I have reduced my intake greatly, the longest I have gone is 10 days.
I thought this was going to be easy. I had no idea how much these drugs messed up your body and your mind.
I figured 5 days withdrawing and I would be golden. I was taking a ton of percocets and oxy's. The first time I tried I caved on Day 3 from the fear of the withdrawals. I didn't know the worst was almost over. Then I found this forum. I tried again and again and would take a pill here and there to ease the withdrawals not realizing I was only prolonging it.
Then I made it 10 days and caved due to a bad panic attack.
I went on a bit of a binge and have managed to withdraw again but still take a couple here and there for badly needed energy or just my body screaming for them.
I am not afraid of withdrawals anymore. I am afraid of not quitting.
I am so afraid and so disappointed that i haven't beat this by now but your post has given me hope that I can and will.
I am slowly finding out that everything everyone tells me, no matter how harsh, is true.
I have a tenant who lives in an apt. in my house who was my supplier. As long as there are pills available I will use. I can't evict her until I find someone new as right now the rent is desperately needed but I have to find a way not to go near her. I know if she wasn't around with pills I would be clean by now.
Thanks for listening and congrats to you. I know how hard it is. I can't say the hardest thing I have ever done, burying my husband was, but this is a close second.
Anyways. I am thinking healthy healthy healthy now. And feel great. Really great. Ok not that great. But normal. Lol.
Just know if you really want to stop. It can be done. Maybe not the first time. Second third or forth. But as long as your trying. And doing the best....well you will be free.
In essance. You hold the keys to your own destiny. Nobody can make you or me do anything we don't choose to do?? Think deeply on that.
Just keep moving .... If you go backward. It's for a reason. You'll go forwards longer the next time. I promise.
And remember you are worth it.
Just know if you really want to stop. It can be done. Maybe not the first time. Second third or forth. But as long as your trying. And doing the best....well you will be free.
In essance. You hold the keys to your own destiny. Nobody can make you or me do anything we don't choose to do?? Think deeply on that.
Just keep moving .... If you go backward. It's for a reason. You'll go forwards longer the next time. I promise.
And remember you are worth it.
Sorry I hit enter. Lol. The detoxes that occurred monthly were all trial runs. With the sad truth was I simply wasn't ready to let go. I loved loved escaping my life. It had become so bad and stressful. I simply couldn't cope. I needed to forget. To numb up and out.
I was tired of the race on one hand yet caught up in a lifestyle along with health issues I just didn't know how to stop.
I finally thought about all my choices....and what I had to do. Well I took my last oxycontn for good March 9 2012. I haven't ever looked back. The first days of the detoxes were the worst. Tests I now think of those days. Tests. Tests today tomorrow and etc. I just stayed the course. I had so many bad days. I can't count them all. But we all have bad days. Without had days we wouldn't have good days or holidays. Lol. We all stress out. Everyone dose. Everyone didn't reach for a pill. Like I did. They just coped. And I forgot how to cope.
The doses I took to get high became insane numbers. My tolerance grew to where nothing worked for pain. That's a truly scarey reality. Along with masking m.s.....whew.
I was so.scared of these new crazy symtoms. Where did they come from?? And what's next?? Yet I stayed the course of no more pills. Let myself be sick for whatever time it would or will take to heal. I just accepted the fact that this wasn't going to be an overnight cure. In fact I gave in to just being sick..forever. blaming myself for taking way too many pills.
Everyday my body heals itself from all those pills. I was sick for awhile. Deep inside I knew my body was healing.
Sometimes I told myself I was taking a break from pills. And I will see how long I can last. I'm lasting. Lol. Almost 90 days from a lot of oxycontin...240-320 mgs a day.
I also developed thoughts of no more doctors. None. Nadda zilch. That there is no cure for somethings. None. Except attitude and faith.
What I'm trying to say is if you want out. You'll know. I feel nobody can do it but me. I have a lot of support. A lot. And the funny thing is nobody was mad at me for the pills. They all were so happy I al.free. that's true friends.
My husband also fixed his shoulder. No more pills or other things. I am even trying to stop smoking. Very very hard. But I know I am.going to stop the diffs when I am ready.
I was tired of the race on one hand yet caught up in a lifestyle along with health issues I just didn't know how to stop.
I finally thought about all my choices....and what I had to do. Well I took my last oxycontn for good March 9 2012. I haven't ever looked back. The first days of the detoxes were the worst. Tests I now think of those days. Tests. Tests today tomorrow and etc. I just stayed the course. I had so many bad days. I can't count them all. But we all have bad days. Without had days we wouldn't have good days or holidays. Lol. We all stress out. Everyone dose. Everyone didn't reach for a pill. Like I did. They just coped. And I forgot how to cope.
The doses I took to get high became insane numbers. My tolerance grew to where nothing worked for pain. That's a truly scarey reality. Along with masking m.s.....whew.
I was so.scared of these new crazy symtoms. Where did they come from?? And what's next?? Yet I stayed the course of no more pills. Let myself be sick for whatever time it would or will take to heal. I just accepted the fact that this wasn't going to be an overnight cure. In fact I gave in to just being sick..forever. blaming myself for taking way too many pills.
Everyday my body heals itself from all those pills. I was sick for awhile. Deep inside I knew my body was healing.
Sometimes I told myself I was taking a break from pills. And I will see how long I can last. I'm lasting. Lol. Almost 90 days from a lot of oxycontin...240-320 mgs a day.
I also developed thoughts of no more doctors. None. Nadda zilch. That there is no cure for somethings. None. Except attitude and faith.
What I'm trying to say is if you want out. You'll know. I feel nobody can do it but me. I have a lot of support. A lot. And the funny thing is nobody was mad at me for the pills. They all were so happy I al.free. that's true friends.
My husband also fixed his shoulder. No more pills or other things. I am even trying to stop smoking. Very very hard. But I know I am.going to stop the diffs when I am ready.
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