This post is inspired by BenMyer's ~Who are you without your addiction? Can you really be yourself without it?~ post from 10/05/10. It popped onto the front-page yesterday and really got me thinking overnight and through the day today and it's REALLY been eating at me.
I know the kind of person I was PRIOR to my 'using' and during my addiction, and now that I'm clean & sober (Sob-date: 10/7/09), I know who I am at present (or so I thought, before reading BenMyer's post). This is hard to put into words... but I'll give it a shot none-the-less:
Currently, I live, eat, sleep, drink, exist '12-Step Program' and all things 'Program' related. I go to meetings. I attend 'Program' functions. I attend AfterCare on Saturday's. I call my sponsor all the time. I read the Big-Book (not as often as I should, but it's picked up more than any other boo in my house, so that's quite a bit for me). I talk to other alcoholics & addicts, and I truly enjoy the company of addicts as they can relate to my turmoil. However, I fear that I'm losing myself to "the program" and all things related.
*Before my 'using days', my wife and I would take the dogs to the park in the evenings.
**Now, I go to a meeting.
*Before my 'using days', my wife and I would go and see a movie, or go to dinner, or take a road-trip to a random destination, or go visit the in-laws for a few days.
**Now, I have to worry about missing my Saturday AfterCare.
*Before my 'using days', I would just sit and watch TV and screw around with the dogs in the house or take them to the lake and throw the ball around with them or simply do nothing.
**Now, I call my sponsor and talk to him for an hour, or call someone on my 'sober buddy' list, or call a litter-mate (from rehab), or try and find a meeting.
*Before my 'using days', my wife and I would sit for hours and just talk about life, love, friends, work, our dogs, our family, current events, politics, religion, or simply about random b/s.
**Now, we talk about me and my sobriety and what I've been doing in 'the program' lately, or what meeting's I have coming up.
Have I lost myself to 'the program'? Will I ever be "normal" again and not have to have 'the program' constantly on the tip of my tongue? Will my sobriety rule my existence and control what I do for the rest of my life? Does there come a time when I can just go back to being the person I was prior to my addiction?
Am I to be defined by my addiction for the rest of my life?