Am I to be Defined by My Addiction for the Rest of My Life?

[el_em_en_oh]

This post is inspired by BenMyer's ~Who are you without your addiction? Can you really be yourself without it?~ post from 10/05/10. It popped onto the front-page yesterday and really got me thinking overnight and through the day today and it's REALLY been eating at me.

I know the kind of person I was PRIOR to my 'using' and during my addiction, and now that I'm clean & sober (Sob-date: 10/7/09), I know who I am at present (or so I thought, before reading BenMyer's post). This is hard to put into words... but I'll give it a shot none-the-less:

Currently, I live, eat, sleep, drink, exist '12-Step Program' and all things 'Program' related. I go to meetings. I attend 'Program' functions. I attend AfterCare on Saturday's. I call my sponsor all the time. I read the Big-Book (not as often as I should, but it's picked up more than any other boo in my house, so that's quite a bit for me). I talk to other alcoholics & addicts, and I truly enjoy the company of addicts as they can relate to my turmoil. However, I fear that I'm losing myself to "the program" and all things related.

*Before my 'using days', my wife and I would take the dogs to the park in the evenings.
**Now, I go to a meeting.

*Before my 'using days', my wife and I would go and see a movie, or go to dinner, or take a road-trip to a random destination, or go visit the in-laws for a few days.
**Now, I have to worry about missing my Saturday AfterCare.

*Before my 'using days', I would just sit and watch TV and screw around with the dogs in the house or take them to the lake and throw the ball around with them or simply do nothing.
**Now, I call my sponsor and talk to him for an hour, or call someone on my 'sober buddy' list, or call a litter-mate (from rehab), or try and find a meeting.

*Before my 'using days', my wife and I would sit for hours and just talk about life, love, friends, work, our dogs, our family, current events, politics, religion, or simply about random b/s.
**Now, we talk about me and my sobriety and what I've been doing in 'the program' lately, or what meeting's I have coming up.

Have I lost myself to 'the program'? Will I ever be "normal" again and not have to have 'the program' constantly on the tip of my tongue? Will my sobriety rule my existence and control what I do for the rest of my life? Does there come a time when I can just go back to being the person I was prior to my addiction?

Am I to be defined by my addiction for the rest of my life?

[pattifan]

Reading between the lines of your posting I get the sense that you really miss those little life events like the walks, talks and trips to the cinema.  Does your wife miss them too?

Is there room in your life for a little more balance? The 12-step programme is great. Just look what it's done for you! and congratulation for staying with it. Well done!

But having said that, a walk deep in the forest, or beside the ocean (with your wife and dogs of course!) can be extremely therapeutic for you and your wife, even if it's only once a month.

Nor do I think it could to any harm to have the odd conversation about the good times, holidays, rock music or whatever floats your boat.

Yes, the programme is really important, but I you could work out how to spend a little time doing the things you both enjoy.  Why not try it, just once in a while, and if you feel less comfortable just return to the way things are now?

[Htownnofrown]

It takes a long time to find the right balance, because in the first year everything is so new. He'll my sponsor was lucky enough to not HAVE to work for almost two years into sobriety so he was just doing the program 24/7. It took me a while to find a good balance as well, but I've found that at 15 months my life is just how I want it. I go to 4 - 5 meetings a week, work with a sponsee, and talk to my sponsor a few minutes each day, even if its just a quick call to see what he's up to. As addicts we tend to do things all or nothing and this applies to the program as well. Its one of those things that we must judge on an individual basis, though. Figure out if on any given day you need to be at a meeting or if your spiritual condition is good enough to go to the lake, take the wife out, etc. I just got back from a spontaneous trip to New Orleans with my girlfriend, and I've found (not the first time either) that while Im enjoying life and can see how blessed I am to be living joyous and free, making a mental gratitude list is all I need to stay centered. We didn't go to a meeting because we have been blessed to be spiritually fit and can carry that out into life and don't necessarily need to be in a meeting all the time. You have to do what works for you, though. If hat means total immersion in the program for now, that's what it might take. Just take it one day, one moment at a time.

[Prospero73]

I'd have to agree with the other posters on this subject.  During early sobriety, the saturation approach to meetings and the 12-step program is beneficial, and you do it for your own sake. After a while, you may become aware that the benefits work in both directions; other people not as far along as you may be helped by your contribution to the meeting.  At that point, you may find yourself sponsoring someone, or taking over a meeting.  Eventually, you will find your own level of involvement, where you will be close enough to stay sober without letting your focus on the program take over your life.  

Getting sober is like learning to write with your left hand; something that doesn't come easily at first, so you have to work extra hard to make it second nature.  If you've lost the use of your right hand (i.e., hit bottom) you will have the incentive to do it.

[GA Guy]

I let my program rule my life for a year or so as well. I look at it as my healing time. Like Sara said, in time you'll begin to incorporate your life back into your program. Just like a person with cancer must take time for chemo or radiation, I had to take time to get grounded into my recovery.

[laurel453]

to be honest,  it seems to me that it is not sobriety only what it is ruling your existence but the program  and if you are ok with it, this is what it matters here, this is how you felt and what you wanted . But, couldn't you find a balance where you could find time to go to the park, go to the movies, do whatever, talk to your wife about more topics....while following the program ?

maybe until now it was ok to you, you need it that way but from now on you may need  time to do more activities, you can only find the answer to it :)

[dominosarah]

Yes you will be defined by your addiction.  Right now you are doing just what you need to do to stay clean.  In time you will be more comfortable in your recovery and you will feel like you can go and do some of the things you did before.  Staying clean and really learning to live life on lifes terms takes time.  I hope your sobriety will rule your existence.  Protect that clean time with everything you have and make it the most sacred part of your life.  When you do that the rest will fall into place.  You are doing great LMNO(that was easier!!)        sara