still fighting :)

[desolateangel]

and still not giving up on giving up.
two steps forwards, one step backwards, but still moving forwards.
:):):)
i will succeed. i will be free. i will be clean.

[desolateangel]

mmmmmm today not a good day in terms of tapering. still, i'm not going to fall into a black hole of despair over it. is interesting as something occurred today and here i am exceeding my limit. better learn that lesson fast!

i have wondered recently about getting into rehab as a last-ditch-thoroughly-hopeless-gotta-do-something solution. but now i've got myself a lot further forward i am not sure that would be the best option for me. i have had counselling before (hated it / got nowhere), have seen psychiatrists (not by choice / forced when younger) and had no difficulty in saying the correct things to get them out of my life. i'm not convinced by therapy tbh. i read a lot and have got a lot more from reading books than i have from the various forms of 'help' such as counsellors.i have always felt utterly alone (haven't we all!) and that no matter how hard i've tried, people just don't get me (uber-cliche-alert!!!). this has led to a lot of introspection and the more i can understand myself, the better chance i have of succeeding. also this forum has proved invaluable. when i first realised i had a problem (several years ago) and was hunting around the net for help, people were thoroughly shocked by what i was doing and there seemed to be no-one having similar issues nor experiences, which only served to make everything seem that much harder and more difficult.

that is clearly no longer the case. anyway, waffling again.

i would be really interested to hear about peoples experiences with counselling / therapy and from those of you that are successfully clean, what has helped you the most / you found most successful on the mental side of things?

[laurel453]

most of us here share the  addictive personality feature.... angel, and  i needed help with it, i was so used to turn to something that i had truly problems after detoxing dealing with my anxiety because it increased a lot and i felt quite down .. so i would advice you to ask for help... therapy or addiction counselling could help you to learn some tools

and congrats on sticking to the taper and not giving up :)

[desolateangel]

still fighting. still on course. still going strong. better than expected!

:)

[sudie58]

its good to hear from you again, and that your still on track, its a good plan to use easter to stop completely, you wont find it so awful, as your doing the taper now, i am sorry you havent any support for this, i know what you mean, being the go to person, who does the go to, go to?? you do have us, and we are hear for you, i have been told i have an addictive personality, and have also been more or less addicted to something or another most of the time, psycholigists (cant spell) have told me , its my child hood, the past etc, nature/nurture i guess, anyway, stay strong, look after yourself, god bless,  sudie

[desolateangel]

thanks.
sudie - really appreciate that you keep replying here. have read back some of my posts and sound rather like an unhinged-uber-drama-queen (only partly true).

i am only tapering as work would not allow otherwise. mind you, easter is coming up which means an absence from work so my aim is to taper right down till then and then stop completely. trying not to think about that too much but instead just get through each day hitting the target i have set.

as for support - i have none. well, none that know of this particular problem. i am the 'go to' person as opposed to the 'please help' person. i have tried the 'help' when i'm in a sticky situation, but generally not with good results. am hoping that this site will provide with the outlet that i need.

in any case, i seem to have been living with one or another addiction for a considerable period of time. i do wonder about the school of thought that believes we are genetically pre-disposed to addiction / alcoholism etc. nature v nurture.

[laurel453]

Yeah, keeping things inside is not very healthy on the long term.

you are doing really well tapering down your doses. This is an almost imposible task for us, addicts, unless someone holds the pills. If you follow the plan and you don't feel very uncorfortable, try the 6 and then jump from that dose. And keep feeding your mind with positive thinking, attitude is important here  :)

[sudie58]

your doin ok, it really helps to get it all out, try to stay positive, that really is part of the battle, make sure your ready when you do jump off, get some support in place, look after your self, god bless.stay strong.

[desolateangel]

:)

i aim to reduce down again tomo - 15 for 3 days, then 12 (hopefully). i am positive more often than i am negative. not really been suffering too much with wd's, apart from sleep issues and mood swings. really trying to keep on a steady even keel rather than up and down. once i can get comfortable on 12, am intending to have that as my jumping off point, although will see how i feel with that. may be that i will do better dropping down to 6 before stopping.

incidentally, has really helped writing stuff down (though i do realise vomiting everything on to this site for everyones consumption is not quite the best choice) and just letting go of everything i've bottled up. in future, will be writing stuff down rather than keeping it all inside to poison.

i hope i keep finding the strength to keep going with this!

[laurel453]

Good... this is the spirit , angel :)