Aa
Where to begin
i guess the first issue is we don't know. We don't know if my sister is an addict and we haven't started using that term yet. When I say we I mean me(brother) and my mom and dad. What we do know is this
She works at my dads job, he owns it. She's often not at work because she is sick, when she is at work at times she falls asleep. She always needs money and we never have any idea where it goes. She's often sick and sweaty. She has 2 children between the ages of 3-8. She has a boyfriend(kinda) that is the dad of one of the children. They live in a house my parents bought for her. It's always a terrible mess. The children don't make it to school a lot of days because she is too tired to take them.
My mom is convinced she has a mental illness other than addiction. Right now my parents watch the kids 3-4 days a week. Last weekend everything blew up and she was confronted. She said terrible things to my parents and they are at the end of the rope so to speak.
She confessed to my father yesterday that she is down to 4 percs a day. Which sent me here really. How have those of you that have seen adult addicts with kids seen this go? Ultimately do we take custody of the children and put her on her own? Stop any and all material support?
All week I have been in a funk. I am a grown man with 2 children of my own that I love raising get and while I love my neice and nephew they are not my children. My parents are in there 70s and can't handle the kids full time for long.
I'm so angry at my sister. This was not as complete as I wanted it to be but its a start. Maybe someone with similar experiences can chime in?
Thanks for listening.
She works at my dads job, he owns it. She's often not at work because she is sick, when she is at work at times she falls asleep. She always needs money and we never have any idea where it goes. She's often sick and sweaty. She has 2 children between the ages of 3-8. She has a boyfriend(kinda) that is the dad of one of the children. They live in a house my parents bought for her. It's always a terrible mess. The children don't make it to school a lot of days because she is too tired to take them.
My mom is convinced she has a mental illness other than addiction. Right now my parents watch the kids 3-4 days a week. Last weekend everything blew up and she was confronted. She said terrible things to my parents and they are at the end of the rope so to speak.
She confessed to my father yesterday that she is down to 4 percs a day. Which sent me here really. How have those of you that have seen adult addicts with kids seen this go? Ultimately do we take custody of the children and put her on her own? Stop any and all material support?
All week I have been in a funk. I am a grown man with 2 children of my own that I love raising get and while I love my neice and nephew they are not my children. My parents are in there 70s and can't handle the kids full time for long.
I'm so angry at my sister. This was not as complete as I wanted it to be but its a start. Maybe someone with similar experiences can chime in?
Thanks for listening.
Hi Brother, I hope that you are able to check back to see all of the replies of great advice and support.
Please, if possible, keep us updated on how things are going with your sister. You, and your family, are in my thoughts and prayers. Take care.
Please, if possible, keep us updated on how things are going with your sister. You, and your family, are in my thoughts and prayers. Take care.
All great advice above. So true, i know that I became very defensive at times when first discussing my addiction with my husband. Eventually, i felt relieved. Perhaps she will, too.
Hi there- I'm so glad you found this forum because some of the best people you'll ever meet are here...I hope we can help.
It sounds like life has already become unmanageable for your sister so that's how deep it is. She's sick frequently, kids miss school, she misses work, hurts her parents, and on and on. It's at a crisis point right now and thank God you realize this and are willing to help.
In my opinion, she cannot care for her children properly and I feel for them. She can't really take care of herself! As the others said, she has to WANT to get help and be willing to go inpatient; you can't force her unless you get her committed. If she's a danger to herself or others you could involve the police for any acute situation but that's drastic...
Definitely, an intervention is needed. Is there a doctor you can involve? A therapist or friend of hers who can help you and your parents talk to her? Something has to give because of those kids and they probably should be removed temporarily until she's more stable.
"Down to 4 percocets a day" means to me she's tapered her daily dose down to that amount in an attempt to quit but that seldom works. Right now it sounds like she's chasing a high that she can't achieve due to lack of funds and availability. She's sick because she's probably in some state of withdrawal all the time. It's a crappy way to live and it just might work in your favor if you approach and offer help in a loving way...sometimes a person just needs a window to crawl through...I don't know about her, though.
I think your first concern is getting the children in a safe and healthy environment as soon as possible. She won't like you stepping in but she can't do much about it because you're doing it as a safety measure. You need to get them away from her, in other words. It will cause the whole mess to come to a boiling point and then she just might agree to go inpatient for help.
It's a very, very tough situation for everyone and it's hard because you have your own little family to consider but it's at a crisis point. It sounds to me like your sister has been a problem for a long time...and it needs to end now. Her behaviour is manipulating everyone's life, you're getting depressed, the kids are suffering, and your poor parents...it must be hell for them...
Try to find a counsellor who can help you with advice and intervention. Consulting a lawyer to have on hand wouldn't hurt either. This is a battle that just might save her life and bring peace to yours...and I don't envy your position right now but something needs to happen pretty soon.
Let us know how you're doing and we'll try to answer any questions. Use us for support and as a sounding board. We understand.
It sounds like life has already become unmanageable for your sister so that's how deep it is. She's sick frequently, kids miss school, she misses work, hurts her parents, and on and on. It's at a crisis point right now and thank God you realize this and are willing to help.
In my opinion, she cannot care for her children properly and I feel for them. She can't really take care of herself! As the others said, she has to WANT to get help and be willing to go inpatient; you can't force her unless you get her committed. If she's a danger to herself or others you could involve the police for any acute situation but that's drastic...
Definitely, an intervention is needed. Is there a doctor you can involve? A therapist or friend of hers who can help you and your parents talk to her? Something has to give because of those kids and they probably should be removed temporarily until she's more stable.
"Down to 4 percocets a day" means to me she's tapered her daily dose down to that amount in an attempt to quit but that seldom works. Right now it sounds like she's chasing a high that she can't achieve due to lack of funds and availability. She's sick because she's probably in some state of withdrawal all the time. It's a crappy way to live and it just might work in your favor if you approach and offer help in a loving way...sometimes a person just needs a window to crawl through...I don't know about her, though.
I think your first concern is getting the children in a safe and healthy environment as soon as possible. She won't like you stepping in but she can't do much about it because you're doing it as a safety measure. You need to get them away from her, in other words. It will cause the whole mess to come to a boiling point and then she just might agree to go inpatient for help.
It's a very, very tough situation for everyone and it's hard because you have your own little family to consider but it's at a crisis point. It sounds to me like your sister has been a problem for a long time...and it needs to end now. Her behaviour is manipulating everyone's life, you're getting depressed, the kids are suffering, and your poor parents...it must be hell for them...
Try to find a counsellor who can help you with advice and intervention. Consulting a lawyer to have on hand wouldn't hurt either. This is a battle that just might save her life and bring peace to yours...and I don't envy your position right now but something needs to happen pretty soon.
Let us know how you're doing and we'll try to answer any questions. Use us for support and as a sounding board. We understand.
hello and welcome. I am glad you found us. I am sorry you all are going through this. addiction is a family disease. addiction is hard on the whole family, everyone gets hurt. it is if this as been going on for two years or more you can see that addiction is progressive.
addicts will manipulate, not take blame or responsibility for their actions,
will try to take the focus off themselves and twist the story around to try to lay blame and fault on others.
denial is very common in both the addict and the loved ones. it is something no one wants to have to come to terms with.
yes it would be best for your family not to continue to enable her. as in don't give her any money, since there is a family business it seems she is taking advantage of your parents and taking excess time off work.
if she doesn't have a script from the doctor the pills are very expense to buy off the street. that would be why she always needs extra money.
if she said she is down to 4 percs she is admitting she has been using.
so you can approach her from that angle.
also her driving with the children is very dangerous. that would be something you could discuss with her also. that you are concerned for their safety.
at the family business does she have access to money?
her getting defensive and argumentative is definitely classic addict
behavior.
there is always hope. there is healing. there is freedom from the chains and bondage of addiction.
please look into al-anon or celebrate recovery meetings.
keep the faith,
Debbie
addicts will manipulate, not take blame or responsibility for their actions,
will try to take the focus off themselves and twist the story around to try to lay blame and fault on others.
denial is very common in both the addict and the loved ones. it is something no one wants to have to come to terms with.
yes it would be best for your family not to continue to enable her. as in don't give her any money, since there is a family business it seems she is taking advantage of your parents and taking excess time off work.
if she doesn't have a script from the doctor the pills are very expense to buy off the street. that would be why she always needs extra money.
if she said she is down to 4 percs she is admitting she has been using.
so you can approach her from that angle.
also her driving with the children is very dangerous. that would be something you could discuss with her also. that you are concerned for their safety.
at the family business does she have access to money?
her getting defensive and argumentative is definitely classic addict
behavior.
there is always hope. there is healing. there is freedom from the chains and bondage of addiction.
please look into al-anon or celebrate recovery meetings.
keep the faith,
Debbie
I would ask her one thing.
She told your Dad she is "down to 4 percs now". I would tell her that is great to hear. And ask her where she was before and if she is trying to taper down to quit.
Ok that is 2 questions.
If you can't ask her can you write it down and have her read it?
Tell her you love her and want what is best. That if she is quitting that would explain her being sick at and tired others. Of having a hard time getting up and doing things. Tell her if she is quitting you want to help her get through it. Tell her you just want her to explain what she is going through. Really let her know you want to listen to her. Then let her talk without interrupting. Ask questions it hour being mad or accusatory. And ask what she needs. How you can help. And then see if you can do thst or not or what you can do.
I think she gets mad is Bc she feels she is being accused of things and gets defensive. This way she will see you want to help her not belittle her.
She told your Dad she is "down to 4 percs now". I would tell her that is great to hear. And ask her where she was before and if she is trying to taper down to quit.
Ok that is 2 questions.
If you can't ask her can you write it down and have her read it?
Tell her you love her and want what is best. That if she is quitting that would explain her being sick at and tired others. Of having a hard time getting up and doing things. Tell her if she is quitting you want to help her get through it. Tell her you just want her to explain what she is going through. Really let her know you want to listen to her. Then let her talk without interrupting. Ask questions it hour being mad or accusatory. And ask what she needs. How you can help. And then see if you can do thst or not or what you can do.
I think she gets mad is Bc she feels she is being accused of things and gets defensive. This way she will see you want to help her not belittle her.
Your post brought tears to my eyes. I am an addict. I am also a highly educated mother to 5 year old boys, a wife to a loving husband, daughter, sister, star employee, loyal friend. We come in all shapes, sizes, levels of socioeconomic status. I have abused opiate pain medication that my husband is legimately prescribed for his disability. I started out very slowly and progressed over the years, never thinking I could or would become addicted.
The difference between your sister and I is that I am a very high functioning addict. I work a professional, demanding job and had my best year ever, while taking pills all the while. When I am not working I am caring for my children. Therefore, no one would suspect I was addicted. Your sister sounds like she is really deep into her addiction, to the point where she has no care about the fact that she is self-destructing. If she is neglecting her children, home and missing work, I fear she is in much deeper than she is letting on. I have taken 4 Percocet a day at times and it would not make me tired or sick. However, when I am withdrawing from pills, I am sick. I still go to work and do what I need at home, but I am ill. I fear your sister is going in and out of withdrawal as mentioned above, and she is probably taking a lot more than what she has admitted. Additionally, she is probably buying them from the street, which is dangerous.
I feel so much for you, your parents, and her children. I also do feel bad for your sister because she has not found the strength to ask for help and fully take ownership of her addiction. As the others said, she cannot be forced into help, she has to want it. The fact that her boyfriend is also an addict further complicates things and also puts the children in greater jeapordy. I do not know what the answer is but she is really lucky to have a family that loves her and wants to help. Maybe you can approach her again in a very compassionate manner and tell her that you want to help her and that something needs to be done before she loses her children or has an accidental overdose. The fact that she gets violent makes it so much harder.
I am so sorry that you are going through this. I will keep you all in my prayers. Addiction is so very complicated.
The difference between your sister and I is that I am a very high functioning addict. I work a professional, demanding job and had my best year ever, while taking pills all the while. When I am not working I am caring for my children. Therefore, no one would suspect I was addicted. Your sister sounds like she is really deep into her addiction, to the point where she has no care about the fact that she is self-destructing. If she is neglecting her children, home and missing work, I fear she is in much deeper than she is letting on. I have taken 4 Percocet a day at times and it would not make me tired or sick. However, when I am withdrawing from pills, I am sick. I still go to work and do what I need at home, but I am ill. I fear your sister is going in and out of withdrawal as mentioned above, and she is probably taking a lot more than what she has admitted. Additionally, she is probably buying them from the street, which is dangerous.
I feel so much for you, your parents, and her children. I also do feel bad for your sister because she has not found the strength to ask for help and fully take ownership of her addiction. As the others said, she cannot be forced into help, she has to want it. The fact that her boyfriend is also an addict further complicates things and also puts the children in greater jeapordy. I do not know what the answer is but she is really lucky to have a family that loves her and wants to help. Maybe you can approach her again in a very compassionate manner and tell her that you want to help her and that something needs to be done before she loses her children or has an accidental overdose. The fact that she gets violent makes it so much harder.
I am so sorry that you are going through this. I will keep you all in my prayers. Addiction is so very complicated.
You are a good brother hun...don't forget that. My own brother went through what you are now and I live with that guilt everyday.
I don't know how you can tell how much she is taking. I am sure a doctor has some sort of blood test for that but you are not going to be able to get that. Her behavior suggests that she is doing more than she says. If she is "down to 4 a day" that would mean that she tapered off of a larger amount and doing that alone is near impossible for most.
And so you know..you can't fix her. SHE has to want to be fixed. Confronting her and yelling at her is only driving her deeper into her addiction. If you cannot talk to her what do you think about contacting a treatment center near you and finding out about an intervention? That is something that should NEVER be done with professional assistance so don't entertain that. If you do the intervention and she responds even somewhat positively to it she will enter treatment right there and then.
Your priority now has to be those children. Once they are safe you all as a family can decide what to do next. Some times tough love and letting go is the last resort. I pray that it doesn't come to that.
Sonrissa had a good idea. Look into al-Al Anon meetings in your area. If you need help witht hat just ask.
I don't know how you can tell how much she is taking. I am sure a doctor has some sort of blood test for that but you are not going to be able to get that. Her behavior suggests that she is doing more than she says. If she is "down to 4 a day" that would mean that she tapered off of a larger amount and doing that alone is near impossible for most.
And so you know..you can't fix her. SHE has to want to be fixed. Confronting her and yelling at her is only driving her deeper into her addiction. If you cannot talk to her what do you think about contacting a treatment center near you and finding out about an intervention? That is something that should NEVER be done with professional assistance so don't entertain that. If you do the intervention and she responds even somewhat positively to it she will enter treatment right there and then.
Your priority now has to be those children. Once they are safe you all as a family can decide what to do next. Some times tough love and letting go is the last resort. I pray that it doesn't come to that.
Sonrissa had a good idea. Look into al-Al Anon meetings in your area. If you need help witht hat just ask.
I'm so sorry you are going through this. You sound like you really love and care about your sister. Everything you are describing is typical behavior for an addict. Lortabs and Percocet are opiate pain meds. She is constantly sick because she is most likely withdrawaling from them off and on. The bottom line is that until she admits that she is addicted, and wants to quit and reach out for help, you or anyone can not force her. I can tell you her addiction will continue to progress.
I hope you will consider getting some professional help with this. You and your parents can not carry this burden alone. Please feel free to keep posting here and ask any questions you have. Let us know how you are, and how things are going.
Take care!
I hope you will consider getting some professional help with this. You and your parents can not carry this burden alone. Please feel free to keep posting here and ask any questions you have. Let us know how you are, and how things are going.
Take care!
Yes boyfriend is into drugs - not sure how much they have a terrible relationship. Both abuse each other. My parents fear for the children but fear if they take the kids she will suicide one way or another.
Wow Just thanks so much for responding. I'm so lost and my folks kinda expect me to help fix this problem. I've been massively depressed this week and just can't figure out what to do.
I think what you said is totally valid. She lies about everything - my mom is still in some denial and places blame on the boyfriend and the mental illness but I suspect she has been addicted for a long time. I moved my family back near my parents to help with this about 2 years ago and it has been an underlying issue that rears up Here and there but now there has to be some changes. She is literally killing my mother. And it is eating at me.
So ok - can't talk to her - she gets freakishly violent and angry the second we start to bring her behaviors up at all. And it seems like distractions honestly like blows up accusing my parents of stealing from her and anything to get away from talking about the issue.
But this weekend she went to far and my dad now is pressing the issue. Heavily. We got drug tests and said take the test and she said i occasionally take loratab. That was Tuesday when she missed work. Yesterday she said she was down to 4 percocetes - can you help me understand what that means? You say she would be sick - she is sick all the time and always tired.
How can I determine how deep she is in this without her telling me? Is there something I can look for? Like you said I have absolutely no reason to trust her at all. I am pretty sure she lies all the time but I am having a hard time coming up with a plan for the kids not knowing how bad it is. And again - I just balled like a baby when you replied. That you so damn Much.
I think what you said is totally valid. She lies about everything - my mom is still in some denial and places blame on the boyfriend and the mental illness but I suspect she has been addicted for a long time. I moved my family back near my parents to help with this about 2 years ago and it has been an underlying issue that rears up Here and there but now there has to be some changes. She is literally killing my mother. And it is eating at me.
So ok - can't talk to her - she gets freakishly violent and angry the second we start to bring her behaviors up at all. And it seems like distractions honestly like blows up accusing my parents of stealing from her and anything to get away from talking about the issue.
But this weekend she went to far and my dad now is pressing the issue. Heavily. We got drug tests and said take the test and she said i occasionally take loratab. That was Tuesday when she missed work. Yesterday she said she was down to 4 percocetes - can you help me understand what that means? You say she would be sick - she is sick all the time and always tired.
How can I determine how deep she is in this without her telling me? Is there something I can look for? Like you said I have absolutely no reason to trust her at all. I am pretty sure she lies all the time but I am having a hard time coming up with a plan for the kids not knowing how bad it is. And again - I just balled like a baby when you replied. That you so damn Much.
Hi there, and welcome to the forum. This is a great place for advice and support. First, I'm very sorry that you and your family and the children are going through this. Addiction, (and it certainly sounds like your sister is an addict) is so very sad and difficult for everyone who is affected by it. What is your sisters boyfriend like? Is he an addict? Is he responsible? Does he help care for the children? I can't advise you about whether taking custody of the children would be the best thing.
What I would advise is that you and your parents seek some professional help. Find an Alanon meeting in your area. These are meetings for the family and friends of alcoholics and addicts. There you will get in person support and advice from people who have been through this, and those that are currently in similar situations. Or perhaps some family counseling would help.
There are lots of us here who have been through this and hopefully others will weigh in. I wish you all the best.
What I would advise is that you and your parents seek some professional help. Find an Alanon meeting in your area. These are meetings for the family and friends of alcoholics and addicts. There you will get in person support and advice from people who have been through this, and those that are currently in similar situations. Or perhaps some family counseling would help.
There are lots of us here who have been through this and hopefully others will weigh in. I wish you all the best.
Hi & Welcome,
My heart breaks for you. It is not easy to love an addict.
As addicts we are liars and master manipulators. If it were me I would not believe a word she says and only half of I see. She sounds to be in the throws of her addiction and without help she will not get well. She cannot do this alone.
And so you understand, if she really were tapering and she is down to 4 a day she would be sick as a dog and surely NOT falling asleep. Her behavior alone speaks volumes.
Does she have insurance or is the family in a position to get her inpatient treatment? If so that is a good place to start but she will need to first admit she has a problem and ask for help. You cannot force it on her. She will fight it and maybe even run.
You are in a tough position. Try talking with her. Do not "confront" her or "accuse" her or anything of that nature. If she does not respond to that you will have to make some decisions. Sadly there are children involved and since they are incapable of making their own decisions, some decisions may have to be made for them.
I am glad you found this community. Please keep posting and asking any questions you may have. There is always someone here to lend a hand.
My heart breaks for you. It is not easy to love an addict.
As addicts we are liars and master manipulators. If it were me I would not believe a word she says and only half of I see. She sounds to be in the throws of her addiction and without help she will not get well. She cannot do this alone.
And so you understand, if she really were tapering and she is down to 4 a day she would be sick as a dog and surely NOT falling asleep. Her behavior alone speaks volumes.
Does she have insurance or is the family in a position to get her inpatient treatment? If so that is a good place to start but she will need to first admit she has a problem and ask for help. You cannot force it on her. She will fight it and maybe even run.
You are in a tough position. Try talking with her. Do not "confront" her or "accuse" her or anything of that nature. If she does not respond to that you will have to make some decisions. Sadly there are children involved and since they are incapable of making their own decisions, some decisions may have to be made for them.
I am glad you found this community. Please keep posting and asking any questions you may have. There is always someone here to lend a hand.
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