I am at the end of my rope

[jessicagrace]

I have been in may car accidents, from which I suffered very severe injuries (you can read my profile if you want to know them.)  I have been prescribed 3 * 80 mg oxycontins and 4* 30 mg roxycodone a day for over a year now.  My mother believed that I was abusing pain medication, because after my most recent accident I was unable to work like I always had. Despite my families knowledge of my medical history, they convinced my ex to take me to court so that he could have full custody of my daughter who I had been taking care of by myself sicne she was 18 months old (she is now five.) I have done spinal decomprssion, accupunture, I have an inversion table in my home.  My doctor wrote a note for me to take to court saying that at no time did he believe I was abusing or misusing my medication, I had several credible witnesses testify that I was a great and very capable mother.  I lost full custody of my daughter, I now see her 8 days a month, I fear that the only way I will be able to get her back is if I no longer need medication.  With out telling my dr. I have been weening my self down and am now two weeks with out it I have been taking a little suboxone here and there and welbutrin twice a day.  But I can't seem to get up to do anything I feel like I am stuck on my couch.  I am obbing whie I type this I am so scared that I am going to loose my daughter, I reslly don't feel like I have anything left to live for. I don't know what to do, please help.

[flmagi]

The doctor is right. And you must not just live by the rules, you must learn to believe in them.
Be absolutely honest with yourself, and you'll know what you need to do.

[suezque390]

Hi jessicagrace,  I do agree with the doctor that there is more to your story then meets the eye and that does have to be recognized by you but he failed to mention there is help out there to help control your pain better and your depression.  

You should find a good chronic pain therapist. One that can help control your pain along with a compassionate ear. Sounds like you are in depression and need of good sound advice and maybe an anitdepressant medicine along with therapy. If you are suicidal at any time, please call 1-800-suicide.  They have trained professionals there 24x7 that can help you through whatever suicidal thoughts you might be having.  

Most of all TALK to someone you can trust (preferrably a licensed therapist), do some self introspection and research for yourself what chronic pain and depression can do to you and your family!

[J T Junig, MD PhD]

I have to think that it would take more than a narcotic prescription to get the courts to take a girl from her mother.  I have talked to people in similar situations-- and there are usually other parts of the story that they leave out-- sometimes they can't even see them!  I recommend that you find a person who you trust, and do the very hard task of asking the person to tell you what they see that may have led to the loss of your daughter.  There simply has to be more.

If you want to make a serious effort to turn your life around, you do that by living by the rules-- without exception.  You don't take Suboxone unless it is prescribed for you, and then you do exactly what is instructed, to the letter.  The fact that you can rationalize 'taking a little suboxone here and there' suggests that you live by a different standard;  realize that most people wouldn't think of taking a non-prescribed medication!  Yes, addicts do all the time-- but non-addicts never do.  For one thing, it is against the law...  and the courts MIGHT remove a daughter from a person who does not think that the law applies to her.  

In recovery, much is made about 'rigorous honesty'.  That is because addicts see everything as 'gray' when it comes to rules;  there  is always a reason to do what is the easiest, rather than following the rules that the rest of society follow.  If you follow the rules, everything else is connected and will follow-- things like self esteem, happiness, success...  but you first must 'get right' with yourself.