please help

[steg11]

I have been an addict off and on for 3 years...I am clean now and doing well with that...but have lied so much to my husband and now he's wanting a divorce. I'm trying to make him see some of the terrible things I did was out of addiction and wasn't the true me, but he won't hear any of it and says he hates me. I know I've betrayed him, lost his trust, disrespected him, and I just want to fix us and love him but he won't even look at me. We have 2 beautiful girls and I can't let our family fall apart because of my failures. I am so depressed. I'm with my girls all the time, and know I'm not being the best mother in the world because all I do is cry and am so scared I'm loosing my husband. Please help...what do I do

[Cheaboyjones]

I suggest you tell him to check out Al Anon meetings. They are meetings that people go to so they can talk about their experiences dealing with a loved one that is an addict.  Personally, when I stop working on myself I fall back into my old ways of lying and cheating and being completely unpleasant.  Addicts have underlying problems and reasons that are dealt with by doing things that I'm sure most loved ones wouldnt approve of. Those things that are done to cover up old pain are sometimes misinterpreted as something to hurt someone purposefully or lashing out. Let him know if somehow coming to a point where you two can have a healthy relationship, however unimaginable that may be, to give al anon meetings a chance.  I am 22 years old and an addict in recovery and I have attended al anon and have gotten through a lot of grief dealing with my How my father acted and how he treated me.  I now realize he never did things to Hurt me, it was his alcoholism and problems left unresolved that he was acting on. Take some time to mention that to him and to look at what's making you or what has made you act out the way you did to destroy the trust and create this "hate".  Talk to him about it and if he likes the meetings he can talk to them about it. Good luck. I'm struggling with relationship problems with my girlfriend do this advice is opening my eyes up a bit too.

[Julia M Aharonov, DO]

Darling, you don't need a doctor, you need someone who you husband will listen to. Does he have a religious leader he looks up to? An older relative? A friend? You need to share this problem with a person who knows you, will understand you, who will believe you and who your husband looks up to. That person needs to sit him down and say that no one in this life is an angel. Every one of us makes mistakes. Those of us who are strong and true face those mistakes, see them, recognize them and do our very darnedest fix them. And when we have fixed them those who love them need to find it in their hearts to forgive us and to take our hand and walk with us forward toward something better, together. The children you have together deserve this. If he is not a man big enough to forgive you, he is not a man big enough to hold you. You need to be strong for you and for your daughters. Sadness and depression  is just a lack of trust. You were strong enough to beat the addiction. You should be strong enough for you daughters.  You are strong and beautiful and you will survive.  So go talk to that person and try to save your marriage but do not be desperate. No matter what you are a survivor. Your husband can not respect you if you do not respect yourself. So find your own strength, find your own beauty, start respecting what you did, start respecting yourself.  Good luck to you and  keep in touch.