AA is not for me, but what else is out there?

So.  Tried AA and it is just not for me.  Truly.  I respect it, and I respect that it has worked for gazillions of folks, but honestly, the meetings I've been to... well, the 'success' stories made me want to give up completely... I really mean no offense to anyone, maybe it was just the meetings I went to, but the people there seemed to me to have just traded one addiction for another, and I don't want that... at least I don't want my 'healthy' addiction to be to AA... that creeps me out.  

I am trying to rejoin the living.  I am tired of my own "stuff" (meaning my own b-s) and I am willing to accept and am looking for help.  But AA isn't it for me.  

I found this site after hours of web searches, and it looks like there are others posting who also did not find AA helpful, so here I am... anyone have suggestions?  

oh... I would truly do an inpatient program but I have no insurance, no job, and no money (yup, drank myself away from all of that).  Thankfully still have my home and an internet connection.

I just need ... i don't know anymore... suggestions or even just encouragement.

I'm determined to kick this, and if this forum doesn't help I'll keep looking and trying cuz I know and I finally accept and truly know that I *have* to keep trying and looking and doing anything other than grabbing a bottle of scotch, a bottle of wine, etc etc etc...  heh, maybe not drinking is my new addiction... but that's still not living, you know?  or is it?  

ok... anyone have advice?

Owen

[ibizan]

did u read my post 5-4 under Lotsatrouts I couldn't stay sober on my own and still can't?if AA is totally verboten 4 u.then u must have a sober support system...do u have a wife?kids?ur county of residence has outpatient facilities that get state funding to help those with no insurance....i've worked for one for 23 years.Also clean/sober 24 years....if u want sobriety bad enuf..u will work for it..i was told and its true...put the effort in2 not drinking that u invested going 2 get alcohol,wasting $$,getting drunk,having hangovers/blackouts etc.....doing stupid things and repeating this ad nauseum..no pun intended....being addicted to not drinking could/is b a good thing!:)

[TJack]

I am sorry to read of your experience with AA.  I think it is really going to help me get through this.  Tuesday, i am taking the step to ask for a sponsor.  Maybe i have been telling myself that i don't really have to commit as long as i don't have a sponsor, i don't know.   You know that old fear of disappointing yet another person.  The advice ibizan just gave you is right on.  She is really wise on all of this.  Keep posting and coming here and reading, it does help and the people on here are very encouraging.  I hope we make it, you and me both. and everyone else trying to.  tj

[Owen919]

no wife, no kids, no partner, and at this very moment in my life i am actually thankful for that. this is my deal and I am thankful at least that no one else is significantly impacted by my own s***... well... I think you get what I mean.

yeah.
well, here goes... I am at that point of beating myself up with (I think) finally self-honesty that I will admit this:  I am a drunk.  But though I "get" the benefit of surrounding myself with ex-drunks, I'm still at a place that I do not want to be.  No, that's not true exactly...

I don't want to be the "once" successful person who ended up in the county rehab.  There.  I said it.  But I'm still looking for any other alternative.  And I know how stupid and spiteful and truly, truly, truly, ridiculous that is given that I really DO want to kick this and rejoin my life... well... 'my' life meaning sober and...  I guess I can not even truly imagine that anymore, what that would be...

thank you.  yeah.  I need to go to the public health clinic and just suck it up and get over myself.  I do.  I know I do.

so many excuses... 'who will feed the dog the way the dog needs to be fed?"  ... yeah, like no one else can feed a dog.  etc etc etc  .  

I'm just scared.  and finally not instantly grabbing a 'beverage' whenever I 'feel' *anything* I am just really feeling all of it, everything, and I so don't want to.  But I have to.  I'm so over myself and this stupid habit... this addiction, my alcoholism.  

Someone, anyone, just tell me not to go get a drink.  Seriously.  

No... sorry... my b-s is not anyone else's responsibility, it's mine.  

Well, still, a gazillion posts saying "Owen, just don't drink alcohol," would truly be helpful.     Yeah, I'm feeling just a little needy right now

[Owen919]

thank you.
I need all the support and encouragement I can possibly get.
And I can barely believe that I just wrote that.  
I have always been the supporter, the 'go-to' person, the provider for my siblings and their families and ... whatever...  in my own way this is my moment where I stand up for myself, but it is TO myself and that feels so ... stupid.  I don't know if that makes any sense or not... I guess I'm finally actually feeling my feelings?!  I don't like it!

I can do this.  But

I need support.  I do.  Just ... anything...

ok.  my new personal motto will be an anti-Nike slogan... "Just do NOT do it!"

wow.  ok... I'm gonna go walk my dog and try to remember the name of every type of tree that he pees on, and try to enjoy the remaining sunlight of this day.  yes.

seriously, thank you for your message.  I am struggling but finally serious this time and you taking the time to reply to my post is truly appreciated.

[TJack]

I too am struggling.  On a daily basis!  I failed yesterday.  Don't know why my husband puts up with me, what a rock he is.    You write as if you could be an author. gee, just to be able to express oneself like you do.  Quite a gift.  Do you ever feel worthless?  I do.  Today is one of those days.  I like the JUST DO NOT do it.  Well, don't do it Owen!
I tell myself that daily.  I try to draw from my faith in God on a daily basis.  I know he has not given up on me.  Hang in there.  TJ

[ibizan]

"Don't want to be the once successful person who ended up in rehab"....i was in inpatient with a dentist,lawyer,architect.biker,morphine dealer and skid row patty......Alcoholism/addiction is a EEO!and there i sat ms.masters degree who felt like ****......i went to meetings with a municipal court judge,a thoracic surgeon,business owners...such diversity in those rooms.....the first NA lead i heard was from a surgical nurse who lost her license cuz she was busted stealing/shooting up morphine with a bunch of other junkie nurses in a well known leading hospital in the country i won't name!I have worked with impaired nurses,pharmacists,respiratory therapists....ppl from all occupations of life!even a lay priest who sadly refuses to give up his booze!we have a problem....we think we're terminally unique...we aren't.....we really aren't.......so 4 ur own sanity don't drink for the next hour,then the next one after that,then that next one and then the one after.........:))))

[Jacker]

This may sound simplistic, but get involved in some type of group that includes non-drinkers. It may be a church and it may be a health concious group that participates in a physical activity or sport (fitness nuts keep a lid on the drinking as they get older).  
Hang out with these people and learn to build a life of relationships with people who don't drink.  It wasn't until I sobered up, that I realized most people don't get drunk every night (or even every weekend).  
That's my only 2 cents for right now.  I haven't been to aa either, but I have a lot of respect them.  If I screw up, I'm going to consider going though.
Besides, look at this - it's friday night and I'm talking on this website.  I guess that's one of my new addictions.    

[ibizan]

gre8t advice Jacker.....diverting our minds with other activities is necessary and good...and since we're dog lovers here....Owen u keep walkin da dog!good for him and u.......dog is GOD spelled backwards!i have been in2 retired greyhounds since 93.....they r my passion/my breed.Such awesome wondrous creatures!Recently lost my 10 year old male to a rare autoimmune disorder we battled for 2 years and i felt like someone cut out my heart with a dull knife.I had a lonely gal grey me 2 and 3 wacky kitties who missed him..so enter 2 yr.old Keota!he's making us young again and mending our broken hearts......caring for an animal helps 2 lower blood pressure/decrease anxiety.....and refocus the brain on2 one who needs us....it is good medicine for us!when i was 7 mos.sober i took in a abused 7 mos.old siamese cat.I called her my sobriety kitty!she was with me for 14 years.....she was a loving companion after she learned i was going to hurt her.so what kind of dog Owen?how old?any other animal companions?

[ibizan]

had a typpo....meant EOE...alcoholism/addiction is an equal opportunity employer!

[Jacker]

back to the activity thing, you can join dog training clubs (even with a mixed breed) and train your dog for titles (CD - Companion Dog, CDX, etc).  My wife is nuts about that stuff.  At this stage, I just like to hang out with my border collie and take him for long walks (or watch him worry the horses, snap at bees, and chase water coming out of a hose).  

[misslja]

I knew AA wasn't for me years ago.  I drank and drank for 12 years.  I went to a few meetings but knew this wasn't going to be the savior I needed.  I quit one day almost 21 years ago.  I guess you could say I had enough, I wanted to live a life without alcohol, I wanted to finish school and I didn't want to have one more damn hangover ---EVER AGAIN!  I haven't had a drink in years...and you know what Owen?  I don't miss it a bit.  

Everyone is different.  AA is a great organization but it's not for everyone.  Make the decision to quit.......then just do it.  Why can't it be just that easy?  Well, it can......

Linda Joy Allan

[working dog]

i didn't do the aa thing...nothing in fact...no drugs or any help...no religion...just did it...looking back i would have gotten help through the bad withdrawal time...like some librum osr something...i will say this forum has been nice to listen to others out there...billy

[Owen919]

yeah, EOE, despite mis-spellings, I got it.  I did.  
And I truly get your point about all walks of life and all professions and all of us... but though I truly am now far, far, away from the point where I could call myself "a success"... meaning having a professional career, supporting my siblings and their families, that place in my life... of having been a 'success' a 'provider' is the last thing I have to cling to, even though I know it is not true now.  ah, another excuse, I guess.

[Owen919]

thank you... it's nice to hear from someone that I can still write... once was an editor amongst other things...  having a scotch with the boys was what we did when we had a 'success'  or finished an assignment, or s***, just at the end of the day... only I didn't stop.  yeah, obviously.

And thank you again for being the one to say it, to tell me "Just Do Not Do It".  I can't tell you how much and how often I need to hear that, to have that reinforced.  I don't know why, maybe it is my last bit of controlling but whatever, that is what I have latched on to and I need to hear it from outside my head.  

Peace to you and your family.  All that will be will be, but we do have choice and the ability to change our behaviors, right?  ugh...  

[Owen919]

>>Why can't it be just that easy?  Well, it can......

How?  How can it be that easy?  I mean, I get what you're saying, I think, but... for me, this is really, really hard.  Great for you that you just decided to quit and did... so, I guess I'm just weak and not strong enough... but no, dammit, I am strong, I NEED to be strong and though it goes against everything I have been to this point, I am asking for help and encouragement because this is HARD.  

I am trying to believe in myself that I am being even more strong by actually asking for help and support, and that really goes against everything I have ever been told or believe about myself.

[Owen919]

You are right.  I'm not a 'joiner' but... well, here I am, so...
I've tried the self-fitness routine with some success, but, again, well... here I am.  Still a drunk.

Determined not to have another alcoholic drink, but struggling, and so I guess I'm already "joining" just by typing typing typing and truly it's more than that... I really am surprised that so many people have replied and it is helpful, truly deeply helpful... and using my hands to type means I'm occupied and focused and not doing anything else... not drinking.  Not drinking.  Just Do Not Do It, Owen.  

[Owen919]

>>she was a loving companion after she learned i was going to hurt her

oh.. I'm assuming the word "NOT" was supposed to be there.

ANyway.
My bud is now 15 years old, a Bassett and Springer Spaniel mix... he's chunky with short legs, long hair, but on a good day he still can run like the wind.... just not for long.  But, he's been the only constant in my life for 15 years... and anything else I can think to type is just too morbid... I can't go there

Just do NOT do it, Owen.  No alcohol.

[Jacker]

Fear was the initial catalyst that stopped me.  The activites and other things have helped keep me sober since, but it started with fear when I started experiancing health symptoms related to drinking.  I may be self destructive, but I really don't want to die this way.  After months of wondering, I finally got the courage to get myself checked out.  The results wern't nearly as bad as they could have been but I'm still dealing with some issues.  

[ibizan]

yeegads i meant NOT going 2 hurt her!One thing the research doesn't track is those who have stayed sober/clean minus 12 step.....and i know MANY others have done it a variety of ways.Different things work for different ppl.......all must find their way and the cool thing about this forum is ppl posting what has/has not worked for them!Take what u can use..leave the rest..and create ur own!15 years is a good long dogs life....cool mix......Owen u owe it 2 urself to stop abusing ur body mind and soul with alcohol!

[green eyed lady]

Hi Owen...I think it takes MORE courage to stand up and ask for help!

OWEN...DO NOT DRINK!  DRINKING SUCKS!  JUST DON'T DO IT!  

NO MORE DRINKING OWEN!!  DRINKING IS THE DEVIL!!

Good luck to you...you can do this!

[Owen919]

Thank You.

Seriously... thank you.

I really don't know why, but I was not kidding, joking, or making some last-ditch effort at controlling others (or maybe I was?)  but whatever, for whatever reason, I really just needed to 'hear' someone to tell me to just NOT do it...

and you did.   AND... I didn't.

Thank you.  

I'm gonna take some Benedryl and go to bed now... no alcohol... none for over a week now (been going without for a few days at a time and then drinking again for months and hating myself for it)  

SO.  Here it is.  Is anyone willing to send me an email every day for the next... um... I don't know how long this will be... but I'm focused on this idea... an email that really just says... "Owen, do NOT do it.  Do NOT drink alcohol today."

[Owen919]

still awake

still have not had an alcoholic beverage... but still awake

took a dose of Benedryl 4 hours ago... itchy stuff has gone away, mostly, but I'm still not asleep and THIS is my 'bad' time...  tempted to grab my roommate's cough syrup and down it...  

no.  no.  

Owen, just do NOT do it.  Seriously.

really people, just tell me.. somweone, anyone... just write back and tell me NOT to do it.. "Owen, do NOT drink alcohol"  

and if you have any other suggestions about how to get through this, let me know.

[Jacker]

Well Owen, I just got up, but DON'T DRINK ANY ALCOHOL TODAY - DON'T DO IT!  IF YOU DO, YOU'LL BE REALLY SORRY AFTERWARDS AND YOU'LL HAVE TO MAKE UP ALL OF THIS LOST GROUND.
I hope that helped.  Sorry about your sleepless night, but it happens to a lot of people who are getting sober.  Your sleep patterns will return - try getting some exercise - it'll take the edge off and help you sleep tonight.  
Cool dog on your profile

[ibizan]

benadryl is bad habit 2 get in2 for sleep...u doing a lot of caffeine and sugary foods?that will cause insomnia in addition to the sucky normal insomnia of early sobriety!i was told in inpatient in 1983 by a recovering nurse to not drink even if my butt fell off....and the only way that would happen would b by surgical removal SOOOOOO no drinking even if ur butt falls off!get out of ur self obsession today...take the dog for a walk,do a new activity,get around other ppl...go to Barnes and Nobles or borders and hang out......anything but that damn demon alcohol!

[TJack]

No alcohol today Owen!!!   I am telling myself that also.  But,  that is not my weakness right now.   It is the sleeping pills.  I am out and anxiety set in yesterday BIG time.
Blood pressure is up and heart is pounding.   I read half the night, my AA 12 step and a prayer book.  I tried to give it all to GOD.  Asked him to take it anyway.  I did get several hours of sleep but each time i woke it was so awful and scary.  I am thinking about going to urgent care.  I need something to calm this and booze doesn't even sound good.   Hey, that's a good thing.  I know i have been taking too many ambien, it is a mental thing more than anything.  I want to be over all of this so badly.  tj

[ibizan]

Ambien is habit forming and LOUD warnings if ur chemically dependent u should not take it...did ur doc give that 2 u knowing ur drinking history?there is better to help sleep/anxiety that is not addictive.

[Owen919]

First and most important, thanks for your support and encouragement, and (as I heard it anyhow) your gentle prods letting me know to get over myself...

So... started writing things out for myself... what do *I* need to do right now... #1, of course, was "do NOT drink"... and then after a while it came clear that #2 was be around people I could be completely honest whether or not I actually spoke.

So, looked at AA meetings scheduled and then found a men's support group (not AA, but for addictions and related life issues) and I went.  It was good... it was long, more like a mini-retreat (8 hours) which I didn't expect, but it was good.  And now I'm SO tired.

Just wanted to let you all know.  More later, I'm going to bed.  Thanks again.

[ibizan]

u went to a meeting that lasted 8 hours?that was a mini-retreat and not a one hour meeting!glad u liked and it helped.....wise to try out a variety of meetings and b xposed to a variety of ppl and opinions.

[Grace724]

I identified with a lot of what you said. I'm not the drinker in my family, my husband is. But I myself have a lot of issues with being unable to reach out to others when I need someone to lean on and help me through my own bad times.

I, that you, am also stuck on being the go to chick, the strong one, the leader, the helper, the rock. Truthfully...right now I'm so damn needy it scares the hell out of me. Every time I take a few minutes to catch my breath I feel the fear set in, the tears well up and I have to get moving again. Sometimes I feel like I am running in place, getting nowhere fast, but I can't seem to sit down and let others come to me, help me, hold me up, keep me sane.

The reason I'm having such a hard time is...my husband has recently been diagnosed with end stage liver disease and his only chance at a longer life is a transplant. To get a transplant one must be a non drinker, for at least a year. Right now he is almost 90 days alcohol free and I'm so proud of him for that but I wonder if he and his body will hold out at least 9 more months + whatever time it takes to get him evaluated, on the transplant list and transplanted?? God, I hope so.

My husband learned at least 18 yrs. ago that he had Hepatitis C. He was advised then that alcohol was his worst enemy and that if he would stop drinking he'd probably die from old age before the HepC got him. He totally ignored the doctor because he was "feeling great" so why should he deny himself something he enjoyed, something that relaxed him before he had to. We couldn't convince him that by the time he felt that he needed to it would be too late.

He was finally convinced Feb. 15, 2008 when he ended up hospitalized with a horrendous case of Hepatic Encephalopathy. That happens when your liver is so damaged (cirrhosis makes the liver hard so it cannot function as it is suppose to) that it cannot properly do it's job of filtering out toxins from your blood. So your blood keeps traveling around the body leaving a little bad stuff along the way. Eventually enough bad stuff, in this case ammonia, is left off in the brain and the brain just shuts down and if not caught in time you fall asleep and never wake up.

Thankfully I found him in enough time to get him to the hospital. Thankfully they quickly determined what was happening and begin basically drowning him in Lactulose until his ammonia level came down. Lactulose is a liquid medication that once it hits your bowels the ammonia there will bind itself to it and is then eliminated from the body. The lactulose taste awful and he has to take 3 tablespoons full three times a day. So far, knock on wood, it is working. Eventually the liver damage will worsen and the lactulose may stop being enough. Hopefully by the time that happens he will be sober for long enough to be eligible for a transplant.

My husband has the double whammy of having HepC which damages the liver and having drank excessively for 30+ years which also damaged his liver and now he has cirrhosis on top of another disease, Hep C, and they are both attacking his liver.

I'm sharing all of this with you Owen because I want you to hear from someone who is watching their husband, the father of her children, her partner for 28 years die because he couldn't stop drinking. You said you do not have a wife or children...but you have family and you don't ever want them to go through this.

So today Owen, DO NOT DRINK. For your sake and the sake of those who love you. Just don't drink.

Today...reach out and take the hand of someone who can help provide you with friendship, a ear to listen, a hand to hold, a distraction from the booze. Let someone help you remain strong. I promise to do the same. I keep telling myself there is no shame in needing help, of any kind. The shame is when you're too proud to do it.

I've asked my husband how he's doing with not drinking. He says it helps to keep busy. He has turned to hobbies that have long been forgotten. Woodworking was a favorite of his and he has finally began to strip and refinish some chairs we have had for many years. I hope the material we bought for the seats and backs doesn't hasn't been attacked by moths! He's looking forward to the warmer weather so he can tinker in the garage on an old Nova he's been restoring for 15 yrs. See, he used to go out to the garage to work on it but really he was out there working on a 12 pack. Now maybe he can really get that car finished!

He does find it lonely because all of his friends drank. Can't exactly go down to the local bar and sip your gatorade while everyone else is havin' a beer. I'm encouraging him to finally look around at his co-workers and others in his life and actually see the non drinkers and go about getting to know them and maybe he'll find common ground and a new friendship there.

AA is not for him either. He tried that once many years ago, at the behest of the court. Yeah, drunk driving conviction. But it just didn't do it for him. He now goes to a substance abuse counselor weekly and though we don't discuss everything he talks about there he likes Jennifer and feels she is giving him a lot of different ways to deal with stress that are alcohol free. We do have insurance, I realize you said you don't, so that may not be an option for you. Check and see if there are local programs that offer counseling for substance abuse that are free.

I'm glad you found a mens support group and even happier that you liked it. I hope you can continue to attend and within that group find yourself some friends who you can enjoy your new life with...your sober life.

Good luck to you Owen. Remember...don't drink...just don't. Reach out...that you can do :)

~Grace

[working dog]

thats some story...i have to wonder how his withdrawals are...mine were so bad...the hep with the drinking....real trouble.... must be nice for him to have you right there...good luck with everything and thanks for sharring......billy

[itsmylife1222]

just a thought for you all. daily strength has an alcoholism board, a hep c board, a cirrhosis board as well as many other medical issue boards. this seems to be a great site but should you wish to expand your knowledge you may want to check out this site. i am on the alcoholism board but my roommate is on all 3 above. i've met some wonderful people. we also have aa and a non 12 step recovery group. there is constant information as each board has a huge number of members. go to dailystrength. org. if you're interested in having the option of checking out more than one site. good luck.....devon

[Owen919]

re: "mini retreat"... yes, turned out to be interesting; more like 'work' therapy or 'nature' therapy... we started by clearing an overgrown hiking trail in the woods of state forest (more like pulling weeds, no hard labor) while introducing ourselves, then later went indoors and it was more 'formal'... I think it was a smart way to get a group of addicts, and men in particular, to open up by starting us off with a group goal, with "work" before even introducing ourselves... it was unexpected, but made it easier somehow, plus you know, it was also doing volunteer work which added a sense of accomplishment, of worth... so... yeah, I'll definitely do that again.

[Owen919]

Grace...
I am a bit overwhelmed, but also very touched by and thankful for your post.  
You're carrying a lot... I'm surprised you are not the one drinking or 'using' but seeing it, watching the effects of it for so long in your husband would definitely be sobering... and clearly, heartbreaking.

And you're right, of course... of course my drinking and behavior has effected a lot of other people.  Cripes, thinking back... uff.  And a lot of people tried to let me know, to hint that they knew I had a problem, but I rebuffed them all, and as long as I remained the one willing to deal with their problems, pay their bills, etc etc, well, why would they really want me to change, you know?  But more than that it was me *not* accepting help, certainly not asking for help, and playing a role of being strong and authoratative and unapproachable except as a solver of others' problems.

And you hit the nail on the head about feeling needy and feeling the fear (well, for me just *feeling*) and how overwhelming that is.  and it really, really is.  We had a power outage last night after sunset that lasted 4 hours, the whole area submerged in darkness, and I was home alone, even my neighbors weren't home, and being that much by myself with no distractions... no television, no Internet, no lights!... was awful.  I was absolutely starting to freak out realizing I was alone in the dark with my crazy head... and no alcohol.  Then the sirens started going by; fire, police, ambulance... so it was an accident probably causing the blackout.  I still don't know what really caused it, but I chose to believe it was someone driving drunk who had hit a poll and caused all this darkness for so many other people... yeah, pretty melodramatic in my head I guess, but that idea of one person's drinking ending up causing so many problems for so many other people... it made NOT drinking ok, more than ok, it made it obvious, and I didnt drink (well, there was thankfully no alcohol here, but still, it made it ok) and I was ok in the dark until I fell asleep.

And now today, power back on, and your message which again drives home to me that of course NOT drinking is ok and in fact is the only obvious good choice for me right now. And reaching out is also not only ok but really necessary right now... ahh, not just 'right now' but always from now on.

Again, thank you for your post.  So, are there any 'daily affirmations' I (we) can send your way that can help you, too?

[Grace724]

When the hubby ended up in the hospital they kept him until he went through withdrawal.  The day he was released I already had an appt. set up with the substance abuse counselor. So I took him home, he showered, got a good meal (hospital food sucks) and went to his appt. 3 hours after leaving the hospital. He had appts. with his counselor every day for a week and then 3xs a week for 3 weeks, then 2xs a week for 2 weeks and now he goes weekly.

I think he appreciates the fact that I'm still here. Still willing to have his back after all years. J was never a stereotypical alcoholic. He never missed work, held down a top level position where he works, our bills were always paid, the kids and I never did without anything...but him. He wasn't home as often as he should've been, missed out on most everything the kids did in school or sports. He looks back now and finally gets what we meant when we used to tell him we'd trade the "stuff" all in if it meant we could have time with him. He has a lot of regrets.

I don't know what the future holds for him/us. I hope he remains alcohol free. I hope he can be placed on the transplant list. I hope he gets a transplant and then gets treatment for the HepC. I hope he lives long enough to see our grandchildren have children.

Sorry I sort of got off track. But yeah, HepC and drinking are a real bad combo. Real bad.

Take care of yourself, Billy.

~Grace

[Grace724]

Hey Owen!

Glad you made it through the black out without alcohol. Proud of you. Very.

Reading your story above about wondering why anyone would want you to change reminds me of this song called Why, Why, Why. One part of it goes like this:  
Why, why,why do you wanna change me now?
Ain't I the one you loved everything about?
You might start missin' the old me around
So why, why, why do you wanna change me now
My husband used to turn the radio up real loud whenever that song would come on. I tried to explain to him that when I fell in love with him he was NOT the person he had become. I told him I would never miss the current him, never. I truly wanted the old him back. The guy I met that only had a couple of beers when we went out, not the guy who picked up a 12 pack on his way home from work, drank 3-4 before he got home and finished the rest throughout the evening. That guy...well I wanted that guy G O N E. He always shook his head and told me I was full of it. He truly believed that he was a wonderful guy and that I should count my blessings he was mine. I mean after all he worked every day, signed his paycheck over to me, we have a beautiful home, 4 great kids, all college educated, I never had to work...I mean seriously he thought he was the $%^&. And while I agree that I was fortunate when it came to many things the one thing I wanted most was a sober husband who shared life with me. That's all. Him...sober.

It's hard for high functioning alcoholics to understand that they need help and that their drinking is a major problem. I know my husband never, ever listened to any of my pleas, never listened to his doctors admonishments about drinking. Now he's all ears and realizes what everyone tried to tell him was for his own benefit. I hope it's not too late.

So today Owen...no drinking! ;) You can do this, really I believe that. You can.

If you get the opportunity today to reach out for some help from someone or to accept help that is offered to you...do that too.

Believe it or not yesterday after writing that post to you...I called my mother in law and told her that I had changed my mind and accepted her offer to weed my flowerbeds while we're gone and to spray paint the wicker patio furniture. We leave for our yearly trip to FL to visit my dad on Thurs. Normally I would've added it to my already long list of things to do and weighted myself down even more. Today...today I'm calling #1 son and asking him to mow the grass and care for the dogs so I don't have to spend the $ for kennel fees. So yeah...here's to reaching out!

The best to you
~Grace

[Tink70]

Noone among us likes to admit complete defeat.  But that is what alcoholism is and that is what you have to do. You must be completely honest with yourself and come to the realization that the obession that somehow, someday, you will beat the game will never come.  You can not drink successfully.  The first drink is the one that gets you drunk.
It is truly too bad that AA did not "work" for you.  Maybe you should "keep going back".  I don't know how many meetings you went to and I'm not saying you CANT do it on your own but I know for THIS alcoholic - it's the only thing thing that ever worked.  AA literally saved my life.
I wish you the best and Keep It Simple.

[Owen919]

Hi Grace,

Wow!  Good for you about delegating chores... before your vacation... have to laugh (knowingly, at myself) about that... I used to be in charge of family reunions (until last year when I finally refused to be, and so it didn't happen) and on the insane number of lists I would make for myself about things to do, I honestly would include a note to myself, "You will have fun"... yeah... if one has to put that on a 'to do' list... well, you get it.  

So, are your relatives in shock that you accepted their offers of help?  Hopefully they are not only shocked into doing what they offered but more!  Hey, son, while you're letting the dogs run around in the back yard, why not get out the ladder and clean the gutters?!  Seriously!

Again, thank you... I am very focused on NOT drinking right now because I have now gone longer than ever before without drinking and slowly edging into a clearer mind and that is making me feel... a mix of things... good about myself but also uneasy about myself and everything... feel 'foggy' but at the same time thinking more clearly, well, actually starting to remember things I have been thinking about.

Yeah, I am going to need continued help and support, but Grace, seriously, it doesn't have to be you... if you're around and willing to send a kind word, that's awesome... but I'm 'getting' now that I have isolated myself so long (to be with my booze and hide it) that the whole world of people and just being around people (soberly) is kinda 'new' to me again and there are a gazillion things I can do that don't involve alcohol nor sitting on my hands alone, that probably seem really obvious to everyone else (go to a museum, a coffee shop, attend a free DIY demonstration at Home Depot).  But, still... this Internet community is pretty amazing, too... kinda anonymous and still able to bare oneself to the bone...

Your very personal posts have struck a chord with me and make me think and reflect and.. well, write... a lot.  and that's good for me.  hopefully in some way for you too.  

I have a 'standby' appointment at my county health clinic tomorrow, and a definite appointment next week if they can't see me tomorrow, and already today I had three messages from folks from the men's group, and I replied to them all.  Cautiously... way more cautiously than anything I've posted here.  I'm a drunk on the mend, but I do know I'm needy and vulnerable and for now alcohol-free public events and online support are my safest options.

Hope you have a great vacation!

[Owen919]

Thank you for your well wishes.

I'm not sure what, if anything, that I posted that seemed to be truly against AA, or for that matter, that I wrote anything that came across as meaning that I believe that I could "beat the game" and "drink successfully".  

I truly, very honestly, honor AA and the thousands upon thousands of people that it has helped, and truly, for you, respect and honor that AA has been so powerful and positive in your recovery and life.

For myself, and my personal path, AA is just not helpful for *me*.  That's why I am here seeking other support systems because I do want to NOT drink again.

I've been without alcohol for almost two weeks, which is the longest I've gone that I can remember, and I stumbled upon this site and have found great support and encouragement, and I thank you for your well wishes and encouragement as well.

[ibizan]

U need to find out if theres any SOS meetings in ur area....Secular Organizations for Sobriety or RR...Rational Recovery groups that focus on the persons power over their behavior and drinking and not the religious bent AA has.these r good options with much to offer..if ya don't like these then there isn't much else out there besides church and flying solo regarding finding groups of sober ppl!

[wyoga]

Beautiful!  Keep having that wonderful sense of humor.  You WILL succeed. Never ever give up. Sometimes it's really just a process. You are on the the right path. It's all a part of YOUR journey!