Only on the weekends

[Hopscotch2]

This isn't so much of a question as it is a plea for some kind of advice.  My boyfriend drinks too much, usually only on the weekends.  His social network is made up of binge drinkers and he's been following the pattern of drinking like this since he was 14 (He's 28 now), with these same friends. He knows it's a problem, but he feels like his identity is 'the party guy', he doesn't know what else he would fill his time with. There's always a party, or a poker game every sunday night at the local bar that he participates in, and although in the past year he's tried to cut down, and even stopped drinking for a month and went to AA, therapy, etc...he keeps going back to his old ways.  He drinks only beer, and has switched to light beer in an attempt to control himself, but frankly too often he still goes to far, i.e. blacks out, doesn't make any sense when he talks, gets those awful blank eyes, falls over, etc.
I've tried to get him to try other activities, and i don't drink when he's not drinking and have told him i would quit with him (which i would) but still, it's not enough.  I know he wants to change, and yet he doesn't.  Any advice on how i can help?  He's the greatest guy other than this, and although i know it's looking like i'll have to leave him soon (it's been a year and a half) i wish there were another way. Thanks for any comments.

[lhoop]

I think I know how you feel.  My husband is just a few years older (31) and I joined this forum because I think my husband has a drinking problem much like your boyfriends. He doesn't drink every day or most days during the week. We've been married for about 7 years and have two young children at home. I'm not sure if I'm over reacting or not, but he'll go out on the weekends with the "guys" and once he starts drinking can't seem to stop?  What ends up happening is that he'll drink so much that he can't get home and ends up having to stay at a friends house until the next morning.  I am so enraged by the time he gets home the next day I usually don't know what to say. This last time they were out and he was so wasted that he kept calling me and when he knew I was upset attempted driving. I got a call from a police officer saying he didn't want to take him to jail, but my husband fell asleep while driving at a red light in downtown Wahsington D.C..  He asked if I could come pick him up.  I couldn't believe that they didn't take him to jail?  Only because he is a pilot in the military and they knew that would be the end of his career.  What advice do you have for me?  What I can tell you is that eventually it takes a toll on any relationship.  The binge drinking happens about 1-3 times a month where he can't function at all.  He does drink on other occasions and has been know to drink by himself, which he and his friends think is so funny.  Sometimes I've noticed that he has finished a whole entire bottle of wine by himself (not on a regular basis) but still.  I don't know if I'm over reacting or if this is as serious as I believe it to be.  What is your take?

[Hopscotch2]

Thanks everyone for the comments.  I have to clarify though- i don't have a drinking problem, i guess in my msg it came across like i did.  I drink socially sure, but i've never blacked out or fallen down drunk, and i have control meaning that if i'm feeling like i've had too much in a night, i stop or get myself home. I do feel confident in saying that alcohol isn't a problem for me, mostly because i know what it's like to have an addiction - I had an eating disorder for which i sought treatment at a clinic 5 years ago, and it was a long and painful recovery. What i meant by saying that i'd quit with my boyfriend is that i will stop having social drinks altogether in an effort to support him.  
I think you're right- 90 meetings in 90 days would be a great start!!!! The thing is, i know that he will most likely not commit to that since he says that he doesn't feel the need to drink EVERY NIGHT, and that it's only a problem at social functions.  He also doesn't really believe in God, and the last time he went to some meetings he still didn't pick up the book to read through.  He did say that the meetings weren't as bad as he was expecting and that he kind of liked them, but he also said that the whole thing depressed him, to which i responded "well it isn't exactly going to be a walk in the park!  It will take time and not all of it will be pleasant..."
I know what you mean that he hasn't hit rock bottom yet, and maybe that's what he needs in order to make the commitment to change........i'm still trying to avoid leaving him, but i definitely am aware that i might have to. I will suggest trying meetings again, 90 in 90 days....i wish i could go to each one with him, i know how hard it is to make changes and face your problems, but i also know that i can't do the work for him. I'm afraid that i am just getting in the way too, somewhat enabling him by sticking around after each weekend mess.  I've broken up with him on several occasions, once lasting for 3 weeks.  It was after these 3 weeks that he came to me and said that he was ready to go to AA and see a therapist.  I went back to him on the condition that he did exactly that.  He was sober for 2 months, and then it all started to unravel at one random Sunday night poker game. I want to break up every time he gets wasted, we go through a day or two of fighting which turns into reconciliation, and then depending on how severely he 'messed up', he will go a week or two without drinking, or at least without getting drunk.  But it's a cycle and it starts again, as soon as we both get comfortable.  
do you have any suggestions of where to look for more info on alcoholism?  I feel like i have to be more specific when i say that and say 'binge drinking', although i guess it is just a form of alcoholism.
And to Uber, congratulations on your sobriety!  I feel forever indebted to the therapists and meetings i attended.  It's an amazing thing to get your life back, in some way for the first time :)

[ibizan]

i'm on board with uber.....she tellin u like and the way it is.....i've lived what she's saying and it has worked for the past 24 years!so go get sober....4 URSELF!

[uberadtx]

Ibizan is correct!  You can't get him sober and he can't get you sober either.  Taking steps to sobriety requires a complete 180 degree turn from where the both of you are. Getting sober is a difficult when you are surrounded with people, places and things that keep you drunk.  He has a serious problem with alcohol.  Normal people do not black out, fall over etc. He can't stay sober because he hasn't hit bottom yet.  Thats a fact and its the only way he will take steps to get sober. The only way to help him is to help yourself.  Educate yourself about alcoholism.  Its an absolutely fascinating disease and I mean that sincerely. If you are serious about your own sobriety you will contact AA and get to a meeting.  Attempt to go to 90 meetings in 90 days then judge for yourself if you really want to quit drinking. Much like binging on those drinks on a Saturday night, you must binge on AA to get sober.  AA is not for everyone and other methods are out there to get sober.  I can only tell you that I have 6 years clean and sober because of AA, NA and a laundry list of other anonymous programs.  12 steps worked for me and I was a hopeless case with tons of baggage and severe depression.  Keep us posted.  If you have ANY questions, please feel free to ask

[ibizan]

Dude has quite a problem here...and u can't get him sober.....he knows what 2 do...u describe what he's tried....if ur identifying a drinking problem within urself u have a responsibility 2 urself to address this.Would be cool if u both took a leave of abscence from each other and addressed ur drinking problems individually.....i like 2 dream big!:)))))0 but alas no all u can do is tell him ur concern and what u can do hope he tries sobriety again.....and 4 u to do something about ur own problem u say u have!