Unable to cope

[Beanie0]

I am unable to cope with feelings of guilt/shame when I learn how bad I've been whilst drunk.  I am sad and frustrated inside because I have a personality disorder, mainly consisting of emotional instability.  I am also disabled via a suicide attempt and find the pain difficult to bear especially when I am sober.  I am also going through an early menopause and to top it all off I'm of weak character, shy, weak, vulnerable.  I'm too scared to commit suicide after already failing once.  I know I am killing myself slowly though.  When I am sober, I worry all the time about how I look and behave, yet it kills me to think how I must behave whilst I'm drunk-I've had no choice but to wonder what state I was in in front of my friends this time, after discovering bruises.  Apparently I fell over, but I wonder how many times and how - It's like these bruises have forced me to confront a world of shame and doom.  I don't want to know this other world of my drinking.  I need to drink to numb the pain of life.  Please help.  Beanie0

[Beanie0]

Fighting the battle with telephone support and this site.  Reduced so far as planned.  Not getting much sleep and anxiety a struggle.  I hear a lot of noise from my neibours below me-not a lot I can do regarding it either.  Hope my sensitivity to noise subsides in time - I assume it will. Pray I get some sleep.  Through listening to people on here and obtaining support; I can a least say that I'm now a fighter/not a whimp.  Regards. Beanie0

[Beanie0]

I feel good, pleasantly sober.  God Bless All for your comments.  Beanie0 :-)

[onthefence]

here is what has helped me the most, and is the hardest to do, but doable, accepting that what others think of me is none of my business , what i think of myself is really important, (no more negative self talk pls.), also ppl usually don't spend alot of time thinking about me, that is my own perception and part of my power & control issues , (trying to control every outcome instead of finding humility and acceptance)i am working on so i like myself more.
its like the opposite cycle of alcoholism, putting into action , golden rule, empathy, humility. acceptance, patience, etc, then i think better of myself and not try to impress ppl to make them like me, and worry so much when i am human about what they think of me.

as far as blacking out and making a complete fool of myself, i did it throughout my life , even causing me to drag my family through 7 states, moving and running from myself and dui's, of course we all know it is impossible to run from problems, it just took me 47 years to realize it :)
i honestly think it was all meant to be though. i accept my past and look fwd. to my future in recovery, afterall we all are here for just a spec of time really.....

[30yrOldMommyOf3]

Hi Beanie, I understand all too well what you're going through. I cant count the number of times I've woke up in the morning and thought "wtf did I do last night, when did everyone leave, was I in bed? Was I awake?" It is the worst feeling in the world. I quit drinking for a week which felt like an eternity! The crazy thing is that I felt great. I was getting up early, cooking and cleaning,  exercising etc. I dont know what happened other than I was bored and decided to drink again and ended up drinking everyday since. Today is my 2nd day not drinking and I feel great again. I just hope I can stick to it! My alcoholic brain tells me I need it, and I'll sleep so well, and I'll only have a couple glasses.. yeah right lol:)
I attempted suicide recently. I have to admit, I am only suicidal when drinking. I guess I've thought about it when sober but Id never go as far as trying it. A couple months ago I was drunk and cut my wrist, I did it fast and hard and I cut it down so far I could see all the yucky stuff (sorry if this is TMI) I was bleeding everywhere, my kids were asleep and I instantly sobered up and started panicking. What was I thinking? Do I want my kids waking up and seeing me dead?! The other option was me calling 911 and getting committed and my kids getting taken because their mother is drunk and cutting her wrist open. God. It makes me so sad just typing this. Anyway, sorry for my long comment. I wanted to tell you that your NOT alone. Just in my small circle of family and friends over half of them are alcoholics.. however I'm the only one who actually WANTS to quit. There's no support. When I tell them I'm quitting I get the cold shoulder. Everyone kinda laughs and says yeah right, you'll be back drinking with us in no time! It is hard to face thr fact that we're alcoholics, even harder to make the decision to quit! And you're already there, so pat yourself on the back:) you have more strength than you know!

[CML2014]

Hi Beanie,

It was so good to hear from you. Thank you for posting and letting us know  you are ok.

Happy to hear you have made a decision to work with a support worker you feel comfortable with. That is exactly as it should be. You do what is comforting to you.

Please know you can always come here and we will listen and try to do our best we can in a forum type of situation.  Please if you are feeling hopeless let us try and talk to you.

I am very sorry, Beanie, I know you are in a great deal of turmoil and pain. One day at a time---one foot in front of the other...........there is always hope and help. Just reach out, K?

Wishing you the best, and continued support. Keep us posted if you will--we worry about you too!!

CML

[Beanie0]

Thank you for replying to my post.  I have decided to try and obtain treatment from a support worker who works at our Main Health Hospital.  I felt happy with his approach because he acknowledge the fact that I was not just an Alcoholic.
I'm  agoraphobic, so I'm gonna have to work hard to attend appointments.

All the best, and thanks again! :-) Beanie0

[Beanie0]

Hello!:-)  Facing up to things and writing that post was hard for me.  I was bought up well, which has caused awkwardness.  In brief, I've learnt to Steroetype in my youth - Druggies and Alcoholics are bad people!
I've had long term mental health problems.  The mental health service is our area have been poor.  I've had many times when I've required mental health input; however I find it hard to attend appointments.  When I do make the effort, I find them unhelpful.
I did join and Alcohol Support Group, which again didn't work out.  I was pulled aside and 'told off' for discussing my feelings about suicide.  The group was not suitable for people like myself with a complex of issues.
On the positive side.  I have worked with a nurse supporter at my local Hospital - They understood that it wasn't just an alcohol problem.  They were really helpful, and gave me hope on dealing with the issues that contributed towards my drinking - It was planned I go on a 'pain management' course.  I stopped going due to another stressful event going on.  I will contact them again.  I feel that you have helped me to confront things.  I have little hope, and fear failure.....But with the support of MedHelp and a little help from God - I should be okay!  Here's a smile for you!  :-)  Beanie0
    

[CML2014]

Hi Tink,

Thanks for chiming in with your words of wisdom. I sure hope Beanie will see she is not alone!

CML

[TTinKKerBBell]

My heart is SO heavy for You in Your sadness.

I believe that there is much strength in 'mind set' and 'attitude'

You said You "need to drink to numb the pain" but from my perspective it seems to me that when You drink You 'contribute' to Your pain - because then You fret about Your behavior while drinking.  So, in a sense, You're giving YourSelf something more to feel bad about.  Maybe You have 15 painful things to 'deal' with but when You drink You have now given YourSelf SEVENTEEN painful things - "gloom and doom" (Your words, not mine).
So You see, drinking isn't EASING Your pain - rather it is contributing.   If You could manage to re-think this (mind-set) and realize that You are not easing the pain but You are adding to Your pain.  I hope You'll reach out for help and support.  When You are anxious and or depressed for a long time there are actual changes in brain chemistry - there are medications that will help You - Prozac for CML2014, there are other medications that help as well.

I am SO touched by CML2014's words to You.  Please, I hope You'll find some strength from Her experience and Her sharing  to find Your way.  Please, I hope You'll reach out for support,

My sincere regards,
tink

[CML2014]

Hi Beanie,

Just checking in to see how you are feeling today. Hopefully the dark clouds have passed!

Please keep us posted!

When you post such profound sadness as you did, we can't help but worry.
Not trying to pry just support

Sincerely.
CML

[CML2014]

Hi Beanie0,

I do not know exactly what you are feeling, but I had very similar feelings when I was in the grip of alcohol. However it was not until I got sober that I realized I also had an anxiety disorder, and probably drank to self medicate.

Constantly I would review my actions....and the blackouts were the worst .
I would feel suicidal after a night out, wondering what I had done or said, just like you. I was so ashamed and felt EVERYONE knew I was a drunk and were falling away from me little by little. I was toxic to be around.
Now I drank, not for physical pain but mental pain....unworthiness. You know not good enough at anything. It wasn't until I began reading literature about alcoholism and mental disorders that I realized I might need professional help.

I got myself an addiction counselor and we worked on me getting sober (no AA), then I got a doctor to prescribe medication for my anxiety and depression. It was Prozac at the time. Believe it or not I am still on this medication some 2 0 years after getting sober. Within 3 weeks of beginning this medication --The world opened up for me. I cannot explain it but it was like I could see things the way they really were, not how the imbalance in my brain made me see things.

PLEASE believe me when I say we are here to listen to you and share our experiences with you. Hopefully you will realize alcoholics are a rare breed.
I do not think I have spoken to 1 alcoholic who did not feel ashamed of themselves and how weak they thought they were.

You are stronger than you think Beanie because you have recognized your  an alcoholic! That is the first step Please give yourself the chance to find out just how strong you are.
I believe alcoholics in recovery are indeed a rare breed, but in the best way possible. They have come through the hell  and lived to talk about it. In doing so they have a knowledge others will never know. They  truly Love themselves again and have a pride that allows them to more tolerant  and understanding of what life has to throw at them.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!!!!!!! There are understanding people here that have all been where you are now. Give yourself a chance and read through some of the post in this forum. You will see I speak the truth.

Please keep talking to us here. Let us be your shoulder to cry on. This is our way of Paying it Forward and giving back to those who feel as we did LOST.

Stay here,
CML