Aa
Almost 4 years clean, not sure what to do
Hi, I can't afford a therapist so I thought I would post my question here.
I originally posted on this forum back in 2010, and the responses led me to AA. I have been sober for 4 years, and I have been going to AA regularly since 4/2010, I have a sponsor, and keep pretty regularly involved in the steps. My background was that I used drinking and lots of different drugs through late high school/most of college, became depressed (not clinically diagnosed), got 6 drug/alcohol related misdemeanors, realized I needed to stop drinking so that I could achieve my goals, found that I couldn't stop on my own, and then accepted help and committed to the AA program, which has more or less worked for me.
Except, I have frequent periods where I feel that I am a wimp for using AA and that there are real alcoholics that I am hurting by being there. These people, I feel, have destroyed their lives so much that they need to be fully committed to the program to prevent any possibility of relapse and to make up for decades of harms done. I was not this far gone, and when I speak of moderation and my honest trouble with faith in a higher power, I receive little advice or compassion and mostly condescension for not being involved in AA enough.
This year I started a grad school program and was only able to go to about 2 meetings per week. When I transitioned down to 2 meetings, I felt that people in the rooms lost respect for me, and instead of judging me based on my character, they searched to talk to other people that were also going to meetings all of the time and dedicating their lives to AA. I constantly feel that I am being judged based on the amount of AA activities that I am involved in, not based on my character, or mental/emotional/spiritual health, which I feel is good.
Well, the reason I posted is that I am not sure whether I belong in AA at all. Has anyone else been in a similar situation and found any alternative solutions that better suited them? I really don't know what to do. I am 25 years old, and the young people meetings are more accepting, but many of those kids had serious addictions with deadly drugs, which I can't say I had.
Thanks for reading
I originally posted on this forum back in 2010, and the responses led me to AA. I have been sober for 4 years, and I have been going to AA regularly since 4/2010, I have a sponsor, and keep pretty regularly involved in the steps. My background was that I used drinking and lots of different drugs through late high school/most of college, became depressed (not clinically diagnosed), got 6 drug/alcohol related misdemeanors, realized I needed to stop drinking so that I could achieve my goals, found that I couldn't stop on my own, and then accepted help and committed to the AA program, which has more or less worked for me.
Except, I have frequent periods where I feel that I am a wimp for using AA and that there are real alcoholics that I am hurting by being there. These people, I feel, have destroyed their lives so much that they need to be fully committed to the program to prevent any possibility of relapse and to make up for decades of harms done. I was not this far gone, and when I speak of moderation and my honest trouble with faith in a higher power, I receive little advice or compassion and mostly condescension for not being involved in AA enough.
This year I started a grad school program and was only able to go to about 2 meetings per week. When I transitioned down to 2 meetings, I felt that people in the rooms lost respect for me, and instead of judging me based on my character, they searched to talk to other people that were also going to meetings all of the time and dedicating their lives to AA. I constantly feel that I am being judged based on the amount of AA activities that I am involved in, not based on my character, or mental/emotional/spiritual health, which I feel is good.
Well, the reason I posted is that I am not sure whether I belong in AA at all. Has anyone else been in a similar situation and found any alternative solutions that better suited them? I really don't know what to do. I am 25 years old, and the young people meetings are more accepting, but many of those kids had serious addictions with deadly drugs, which I can't say I had.
Thanks for reading
4 yrs clean is really awesome! Your doing something right.. I think you've received some great advice.. Its really nice meeting you:)
Hi surfin,
Great to hear it was meeting "moderation". Not easy when you are young and SMART enough to get sober. I think it is doubly hard because at your age that is what young people do--party. You , my dear, can hold your head up high in the company of any group---you are a survivor and had the strength and fortitude to meet this challenge head on and live sober. Please do not let other's in AA or any other group make you feel Out--of-the-loop, so to speak. There are people who cannot make it with out AA , so for them it is everything. You on the other hand have found that spot inside your soul that keeps you on the straight and narrow ...and your own will can carry you through your journey.
It will be 27 years for me and I did it without AA. What works for one may not work for another.
I wish nothing but the best for you in living your life sober!
CML
Great to hear it was meeting "moderation". Not easy when you are young and SMART enough to get sober. I think it is doubly hard because at your age that is what young people do--party. You , my dear, can hold your head up high in the company of any group---you are a survivor and had the strength and fortitude to meet this challenge head on and live sober. Please do not let other's in AA or any other group make you feel Out--of-the-loop, so to speak. There are people who cannot make it with out AA , so for them it is everything. You on the other hand have found that spot inside your soul that keeps you on the straight and narrow ...and your own will can carry you through your journey.
It will be 27 years for me and I did it without AA. What works for one may not work for another.
I wish nothing but the best for you in living your life sober!
CML
Its been a long time thats for sure. I have thought about you often and hoped you were doing well and you are so that makes me happy!!
Life continues on in my life. Lost my momma a year ago and it was the anniv. of my dad's passing a few days ago. I found myself isolating the past few weeks and finally realized what was going on. I have a few meetings that i attend and i picked the one this last week with some of the older ones. They gave me some great advice and told me some things i needed to hear, I have found by changing it up with different groups is healthier for me, If i am having trouble with something i can see which group will be more helpful for me at that moment. It works for me and that is what matters. Check some other groups out. As for the rest of my life i am busy working and waiting for SPRING but i am living, feeling and lovin it~
Life continues on in my life. Lost my momma a year ago and it was the anniv. of my dad's passing a few days ago. I found myself isolating the past few weeks and finally realized what was going on. I have a few meetings that i attend and i picked the one this last week with some of the older ones. They gave me some great advice and told me some things i needed to hear, I have found by changing it up with different groups is healthier for me, If i am having trouble with something i can see which group will be more helpful for me at that moment. It works for me and that is what matters. Check some other groups out. As for the rest of my life i am busy working and waiting for SPRING but i am living, feeling and lovin it~
To everyone,
Thanks for replying and sharing advice/experience. I should have been more clear: by moderation, I meant that I was moderating my meetings by no longer going every day. I do not believe that I can moderate my drinking.
I have been able to attend young people meetings, it is something that has helped with the strange social life of a young sober person who enjoys being alone.
CML: thank you for that, it was nice to hear the perspective of someone who is thriving, sober, without AA, in their own unique way. I hold the same respect for AA as you. I just don't get to here from people like you in meetings, so that was nice.
Ibizan and dominosarah, nice to hear from you! If must have been years since we communicated. I hope all is well. (-:
Thanks for replying and sharing advice/experience. I should have been more clear: by moderation, I meant that I was moderating my meetings by no longer going every day. I do not believe that I can moderate my drinking.
I have been able to attend young people meetings, it is something that has helped with the strange social life of a young sober person who enjoys being alone.
CML: thank you for that, it was nice to hear the perspective of someone who is thriving, sober, without AA, in their own unique way. I hold the same respect for AA as you. I just don't get to here from people like you in meetings, so that was nice.
Ibizan and dominosarah, nice to hear from you! If must have been years since we communicated. I hope all is well. (-:
COMMUNITY LEADER
Great comment by CML!there is this little word that is very big...it is called YET!playing the tape the WHOLE way thru til the end = you don't have to go there!
Hi surfin,
Been there! When I first got sober I" reluctantly " went to AA meetings , but only a few. I felt like I wasn't good enough (or a bad enough alcoholic) to share space with some of these people. They had lost so much and gone through so much , I too felt like "Geez, I am a lightweight did not feel right sharing space with people who had lost so much...so I stopped going.
I never really was the "sharing" kind of person, so for me it worked without AA. I have to commend AA though, from talking to so many people, this was their life line and did so much good for them. I guess it is whatever works best for you.
Just know that each of us travel this road alone, what transpires in that journey to live a sober life is of great importance only to us Sometimes I felt like the people actually took pride in how bad things were for them "like can you tip this". So it is all about the group you find and if the group is right for you.
Congratulations! You are doing something VERY right to have gotten so far. I hope Moderation plays no part of this new life. Allowing oneself to drink in moderation is allowing one to use the great LIE that " allows them to Control their liquor intake and call it sobriety"
I sincerely wish you all the best in your journey with or without AA.
CML
Been there! When I first got sober I" reluctantly " went to AA meetings , but only a few. I felt like I wasn't good enough (or a bad enough alcoholic) to share space with some of these people. They had lost so much and gone through so much , I too felt like "Geez, I am a lightweight did not feel right sharing space with people who had lost so much...so I stopped going.
I never really was the "sharing" kind of person, so for me it worked without AA. I have to commend AA though, from talking to so many people, this was their life line and did so much good for them. I guess it is whatever works best for you.
Just know that each of us travel this road alone, what transpires in that journey to live a sober life is of great importance only to us Sometimes I felt like the people actually took pride in how bad things were for them "like can you tip this". So it is all about the group you find and if the group is right for you.
Congratulations! You are doing something VERY right to have gotten so far. I hope Moderation plays no part of this new life. Allowing oneself to drink in moderation is allowing one to use the great LIE that " allows them to Control their liquor intake and call it sobriety"
I sincerely wish you all the best in your journey with or without AA.
CML
COMMUNITY LEADER
Nice to hear from u!Opinions are like toenails:)and everyone has them!:)Especially in 12 step meetings!do you mean by moderation u didn't drink as much as the oldtimers?Well u were wise not to let it get that far!I was 28 when i went to AA 30 years ago and I can relate to some of what you're saying BUT there is a DANGER of comparing yourself OUT of those rooms!The young ppl's AA meetings are very good.....GO and make one your home group if you feel more at ease there!The most important thing in a meeting is take what you can use....and leave the rest there...and that includes judgmental folks......and there are those in AA! but there are wise ones with much to offer...and you need to avail yourself of them.I always found that mixing up my meeting schedule helped me to not get stale...or complacent!Its good to hear different things from different ppl.......but we all share the common thread-alcohol...and drugs made us...and our lives unmanageable!
Hi surfin!! So nice to see you on here! I am heading to work right now but wanted to just say I am so proud of you~
Will write more later when i get home.
Will write more later when i get home.
As recovering alcoholics we go to AA and hear someone else's thinking. It's our own thinking that will get us drunk. Meetings save our lives. AA has worked for you for 4 years!! Congratulations!!! What the old timers would say is "quit thinking and just go to meetings".
Always remember that you earned that chair at every meeting you walk into. Those 6 tickets are just a fraction of the dues you paid for full time membership. The ONLY requirement is the desire to stop drinking. You say you had a high bottom? As alcoholics we have all the "Yet's" out there waiting for us. Like I haven't had to pick someone out of my car's bloody grill with a screw driver in the morning after driving in a blackout YET. Prison, institutions and death are yet's. Tons of Yet's out there just waiting for us if we decide to abuse alcohol again. Also, I'm here to report first hand that it doesn't get any better. Our disease progresses even after we put the plug in the jug. You could start back up drinking and those yet's can suddenly be in your present life. No sir, God bless you on 4 years! You're doing wonderful just the way things are going. God is doing good for you today, simply stay out of his way by carrying on just the way you are.
About that judging... I'm no psychologist but what I think I hear when I read your post is that you're judging yourself. You're judging your inner self on other's outside appearances. I've done that too. Not to say peeps at the meetings don't judge. It's a given that you'll find people who are too much into looking at what others are doing to a minute to take a good look at themselves. But that happens in any crowd, especially in bars.
Always remember that you earned that chair at every meeting you walk into. Those 6 tickets are just a fraction of the dues you paid for full time membership. The ONLY requirement is the desire to stop drinking. You say you had a high bottom? As alcoholics we have all the "Yet's" out there waiting for us. Like I haven't had to pick someone out of my car's bloody grill with a screw driver in the morning after driving in a blackout YET. Prison, institutions and death are yet's. Tons of Yet's out there just waiting for us if we decide to abuse alcohol again. Also, I'm here to report first hand that it doesn't get any better. Our disease progresses even after we put the plug in the jug. You could start back up drinking and those yet's can suddenly be in your present life. No sir, God bless you on 4 years! You're doing wonderful just the way things are going. God is doing good for you today, simply stay out of his way by carrying on just the way you are.
About that judging... I'm no psychologist but what I think I hear when I read your post is that you're judging yourself. You're judging your inner self on other's outside appearances. I've done that too. Not to say peeps at the meetings don't judge. It's a given that you'll find people who are too much into looking at what others are doing to a minute to take a good look at themselves. But that happens in any crowd, especially in bars.
You have to do what works for you!! You have 4 years clean & sober right?? Im confused about one thing tho... Do you drink in moderation? If so, you don't have 4 years sober. Im not being rude.. Im honestly trying to figure it out. Either way, their isn't a one size fits all in recovery.
I think young people often feel like they get the cold shoulder in AA, Because they haven't spent a lifetime destroying their lives with alcohol before finding AA. You may need to find a young peoples meeting. As for the program, it doesn't have to be the same for everyone. If 2 meetings a week work for you, great! Some people who have been in AA a while rarely go to meetings and the still live by the principles and they stay sober. You said something about talking about "moderation", that will definitely get you in hot water at an AA meeting :-) AA Is for alcoholics and alcoholics can NEVER drink safely. If you can moderate your drinking, AA is not the place for you. Good luck.
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