Aa
Is he actually serious??!!
My husban has been an alcoholic for 20 yrs I have been married to him for 15 yrs. After all these yrs I can't do it anymore! I gave him the choice to go to AA and get help to stip drinking or I am divorcing him. He is refusing AA and has started a lot of suicide talk. Is this a usual ploy to get to me or should I be worried? Please any insight would be great.
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Yea youare exactly right. I have a list of AA meetings in our town.I will give it to him explain where I stand and hope for the best. I will follow through with what I said, I know where this will lead if he don't get help. He will slow down for awhile then when all is calm he starts back into his old ways. I am doing the alanon on line so I will get myself in order.Thank you for your advice it is appreciated more than you can imagine. Thank You and God Bless.
I am also doing on line Alanon cause in our area resources are limited. The meetings here conflict with my work schedule. So between the alanon on line and mass search and reading I am getting as much help as possible for my area. And without health insurance this state is horrible with addiction help let alone help to families.
Thank you for you help in this matter. I will do what I can to try and get him some help. But he sees a lot of weakness in AA or counseling. He is both proud and stupid. I figure it is a ploy to get his way but one can never tell for sure. But either way I know that it can't go on like this. And hopefully I can get him to something but I have to live my life. Sorry if I sound cold but after 15 yrs of holding it all on my shoulders I am wearing down. Again thank you and God bless.
This is a tough call and its difficult to say. Alcoholics will try a lot of crazy things to rationalize their behavior or to get people to "get off their backs." It could be that he's just doing/saying this so that you'll back off... although honestly I doubt it. Talk of suicide really needs to be taken seriously no matter what.
I would reccomend you talk to your/his doctor about this and see what they have to say. A doctor can step in sometimes if their patient presents an imminent danger to themselves.
You should (need) go to Al-Anon and start getting some support and insight into what you're dealing with. It'd be a good place for you to start working through this. Also any general support group or counseling wouldn't be a bad idea either. Open up the yellow pages and look for the toll free support lines. They're usually in the front or back of the yellow pages. There's numbers for a lot of different issues... you might not find anything specific to you but there will be a general depression hotline there. Try calling it. From experience I can tell you that the operators are very helpful. They provide an ear to listen, if nothing else, and can usually refer you to additional resources in your area like support groups, counseling, etc.
You have given him the choice and he didn't choose your marriage. The only way he's going to (maybe) realize what he's been doing is for you to follow through on your threat and divorce him. Or at least move out. Addicts are very used to manipulating people into getting what they want and if you back down and do nothing at this point you've fed right into that and shown him you aren't willing to follow through on your threat. If he thinks he can continue doing what he's doing without consequence then theres no motivation or incentive to change his behavior.
I wouldn't do anything drastic just yet because of the suicide threat. That needs to be addressed first. Talk to his doctor, members of his family, etc. And get into an Al-Anon program near you. They'll be able to help you more with this.
I would reccomend you talk to your/his doctor about this and see what they have to say. A doctor can step in sometimes if their patient presents an imminent danger to themselves.
You should (need) go to Al-Anon and start getting some support and insight into what you're dealing with. It'd be a good place for you to start working through this. Also any general support group or counseling wouldn't be a bad idea either. Open up the yellow pages and look for the toll free support lines. They're usually in the front or back of the yellow pages. There's numbers for a lot of different issues... you might not find anything specific to you but there will be a general depression hotline there. Try calling it. From experience I can tell you that the operators are very helpful. They provide an ear to listen, if nothing else, and can usually refer you to additional resources in your area like support groups, counseling, etc.
You have given him the choice and he didn't choose your marriage. The only way he's going to (maybe) realize what he's been doing is for you to follow through on your threat and divorce him. Or at least move out. Addicts are very used to manipulating people into getting what they want and if you back down and do nothing at this point you've fed right into that and shown him you aren't willing to follow through on your threat. If he thinks he can continue doing what he's doing without consequence then theres no motivation or incentive to change his behavior.
I wouldn't do anything drastic just yet because of the suicide threat. That needs to be addressed first. Talk to his doctor, members of his family, etc. And get into an Al-Anon program near you. They'll be able to help you more with this.
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I've never heard or tried of online al-anon but remember: Al-Anon is every bit about recovery as AA is. You need to have a sponsor and work the steps yourself in order to be in recovery. And yes, you need to be recovering too. Not from the booze but from the effect the booze has had on your life and your marriage.
Addiction is a serious, serious problem. You've seen that firsthand. It's a disorder pf the will. It changes people. Turns them into something other than what we know. If you want to make a clean break then by all means do it. You cannot be made responsible for another adult's choices and health. Absolutely. But... make a break knowing that you did everything you could to try and help him first. I have to assume that as angry and frustrated as you are there's a part of you that still cares for him and loves him. This is good and it's normal. But yes, there does come a time occasionally where you have to make a choice. He can't take you down with him.
You've tried asking him to get help. Didn't work. And the ultimatum didn't go your way either. Now you can't sit by and do nothing. There have to be consequences. Too many people go about this the wrong way or do it halfway or halheartedly. Get his family involved. Parents, siblings, cousins, etc. Anyone who is close to him. His friends included. Put them on notice of what is going on. Let them know what you're planning. You may find many of them understand what you're going through completely, having dealt with him for so long in their own way. You can't be the only rational, observant person in his life. Other people undoubtedly know he has a problem but haven't done much about it themselves. Get these people invovled. Tell them everything. From the drinking to the suicide talk. Other people need to be informed so they can be on the lookout for these behaviors as well. Everyone is different but here's one simple fact:
He is not going to change one bit unless something forces him to. And that has to be some event that transpires that forces him to take a good, long look at himself and see what he has been doing. He needs to come to these realizations on his own and oftentimes an addict will really only see this when he's faced directly with the consequences of his behavior staring him right in the face.