Hi, I am married to an alcoholic (he says its not a problem). he drinks every night, in a year he hasn't missed a night, passes out in the chair. We have been married for just over a year, but together for 5. I feel like I am going crazy, I started seeing a counselor, that helps. I know I need to leave, and I am making steps in that direction, looking for a job, moving things to a storage unit ect. I think right now the hardest things is I know I am worth more than the alcohol but I just can't win. Some friends say you just never give up whne you love someone, even my Mom first question when I said I wasn't staying married was "don't you love him?" Can you help me see my way through? I have approached him and he says it is something to watch but not a problem.
It all depends on you . I would not lesten to anyone but your heart . I'm a recovering alcoholic that was stayed with . But I knew there was a problem . And tried to stop till I did . Now we have been together over 20 years and still in love . We are all different in how much we can deal with . I probably would had left me ! Do you plan on kids . He will have to hit bottom . May not do that till you leave . Learn how not to inable progress of alcoholism. Do you want to be there when he hits bottom? He will either get better, go to jail, nut house or die ! Think for yourself friends can mess things up . Bill
hi there. i would highly recommend al-anon to give you support with this. the decision is yours but often instinct is accurate. his condition will try to kill him and take you along. don't put this off, the denial must be broken. take care, gm
Hi there, thank you for the welcome, and advice. I will check out al-anon
I appreciate the insite, I have been looking for some on line blogs to joined for information and support. Just reading the messages from those who are sturggling to fight and beat this has given me some light as to how this works. Thank you and GodSpeed to you!
Here are some suggestions, take what works for you.
You can help by buying his alcohol for him before he does.. Sounds crazy? Hear me out. Without telling him go to the liquor store and buy him low percentage alcohol, get into the habit of making sure he has his supply of low alcohol beer or wine or whatever, before he gets home or goes to the liquor store. Buy the time he gets through those the store will be closed.
Another method is to cross addict. When a person has an addictive personality they often stop one addiction only to replace it with another. A good addiction to have is an exercise addiction (gym junkies) that's what i do........ I'm a gym junkie. I still drink but much less than I used to.
Another good way is to invite people over who your partner respects and wouldn't normally drink around. Pastor, family, relatives etc. If your partner drinks at a certain time of the day everyday, (a pattern) you can disrupt that pattern by inviting Mormons, Jehovah witnesses or other religious cults into your home.
Also, the method of payment,,,,,, hide credit cards, ATM cards, the wallet, car keys etc.
You can film him when he is drunk and play it back to him and or friends, colleagues and this will embarrass him and force him to address his problem. (again, last resort)
Read literature on the subject, educate and empower yourself, leave literature about alcoholism, lying around the house, in the toilet, on top of the microwave, he might just find and read it. Print off a "am i an alcoholic?" test and leave it somewhere he might find it. Articles about the effect of alcohol on the liver, brain, heart and loved ones can be left around the house.
The number 1 reason most people start to drink is boredom. by a Sony play station with a few good games, buy him a fishing rod and some bait, get him a boxing bag and some boxing gloves, don't ask just do it and your partner will fall into the temptation of using their new toys. Preoccupation is an excellent tool for the alcoholic.
Begin to branch out and don't expect your partner to change anytime soon. Don't give him a hard time about his drinking, don't use guilt, bring up the past or try to hurt his feelings. His coping mechanism is to get drunk. Tell him he looks nice today, he smells good, looks good and soon he will begin to take a pride in himself.
If all that fails you can always give him a sleeping pill, crush it up and put it in his dinner. He'll be out to it after a couple of drinks. You'll need to go to your doc and tell him that the sleeping pills are for yourself. (last resort but I'm sure this will really work)
The question you are asking helps no one. Have you ever been afflicted with this situation? Most likely not. Some of us are desperate for answer and dont need your damn critical question for an answer. Not everything is that simple. How the heck does your question help the immediate pain this person is having?
I am sorry you are going through this. I know its hard, but it sounds like you are preparing to leave. Its hard watching someone drink everday. But that is an alcoholic, we make all sorts of excuses to why we can continue to drink. One of mine was it was only hurting myself. Until I quit I couldn't see how anyone else worried about me. My mom told me all the time she thought she'd find me dead, but I didn't or couldn't care, caught up in my addiction. I spend 4 days detoxing in a jail cell, thank god that was all. I was scared then and knew something else could possibly happen, being that last night I drank, I went well over my regular nightly limit. I joined an outpatient recovery for almost 10 months. They taught me the twelve step program of AA. The program changed my way of thinking and my whole belief system. I learned how to cope without drinking and to care and help other people. I am a whole different person now, sober and so much happier. I still go to regular AA meetings and practice the program and 12 steps of AA. Its work, but I wanted to change my life. Until someone is ready to get help, there is nothing you can do to change them. I am sorry this has happened to you, and only you know how you feel; Take care.
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