My wifes drinking makes me angry. How do I cope?

[confusedangry]

I need help with two things... How do I know if my wife has a drinking problem? How do I cope with my own anger over her drinking?
I have been married to my wonderful wife for over 13 years. She is beautiful and kind. Everyone who knows her loves her. My wife left her career when the kids were born and our two daughters are now ages 11 and 13. I love my wife and kids dearly.  My wife is a stay at home mother and does so many things for the family that it makes me wonder if I should shut up and just be grateful for her consenting to marry me. I have no basis to decide if I am overreacting to her drinking and I have no way to determine if I am actually the root of the issue. However, one thing is perfectly clear; I have a problem with my wife’s drinking. When she drinks, I get angry.
She drinks a bottle of wine 4-5 nights a week. Once or twice a month she will open a second bottle, although, she doesn't do this as often as she has in the past. She buys bottles of wine several times a week and seems to plan trips to the supermarket to get herself a two or three day supply. If we run out of red wine, she drinks white wine. If we run out of white wine she drinks beer or a mixed drink. She packs beer and wine when we go on trips so she has it for the hotel room. When we go to dinner she has wine. I’ve noticed that she won’t go to a restaurant where she can’t get a drink.
During social events like weddings, family gatherings, and dinner parties she always drinks enough to slur her words, talk louder than most folks and be a bit unsteady on her feet. It usually takes 1 bottle of wine to get to this point. (This also happens to be the same state she is in during some weekday dinners in our own house.) This is the point where I begin to notice that other people have begun to notice that she is drinking quite a bit. I begin getting uncomfortable while I wait to see if she stops drinking.  If she drinks more than 1 bottle then the situation gets worse quickly.
Somewhere towards the end of the second bottle I become really embarrassed and want to escape. At this point she is talking louder than anyone at the gathering, broken out in a visible sweats and has become the center of attention.  If the host is serving coffee and desert, my wife will still be drinking wine.  Her behavior is clearly driven by the alcohol. Most folks at the event are aware and I begin to get looks from every direction. This is the point where I know that she will not slow the drinking and we are in for a long night. Beyond this point she will drink steadily until it is time to leave. I can’t remember her ever switching to water. It’s hard to generalize her behavior at this point other than to say that she will be the drunkest person at the wedding, dinner party or gathering. Throughout this entire period I have been looking for a chance to exit. There is a 50/50 chance that I can get her into the car without her calling me an anti-social party pooper loudly enough for folks to hear. It is like a switch goes off in her head and I become a target.
That is my angry button. When she has consumed enough alcohol for me to become an anti-social party pooper, I get angry. I do not like going to an event, babysitting my wife as she drinks, shrugging off the looks as people notice her situation, being called names, feeling humiliated and embarrassed, waiting for her to finish her party and then having to drive her home. The next morning she offers no apology. Either she actually believes that I was an antisocial party-pooper the night before or she doesn’t remember the evening.
The Company Christmas Party, family weddings, 4th of July celebration, vacations and our children’s dance competitions have all been occasions for her to drink the most. I am not against alcohol and having a good time. It has been my job over the years to driver her and the kids home safely. 80% of the time I will have no alcohol to drink at any gathering, 20% of the time I will nurse 1 drink all night knowing that it is my responsibility to drive. That is just how it ended up after all 13 years.
Perhaps, she is right and I am an antisocial party pooper.  I now routinely, turn down invitations to events where alcohol will be served and shy away from social events that have the potential to allow my wife to drink. In truth, I am writing this letter after fighting with my wife over a rejecting an invitation to a wine tasting event.
I went to 2 or 3 Al-anon meetings several years ago. It seems that the folks at the meeting had much worse situations. Is she an alcoholic? Is my anger appropriate? How can I get out of this situation? What should I do?

Regards, confusedangry

[kyle82]

I think it is common you get angry with someone who you love. Since she is your wife, you always want the best for her. However, don't be rude towards her because she needs your support throughout her lifetime. I had a friend whose wife had the same kind of problem, but that friend of mine took the challenge of helping his wife with that. I hope you can too. Just consider taking her to a rehab.

[BrightBod]

Drinking is really a big issue especially if this involves addiction, in this case alcoholism. If your partner is suffering from this, it is quite very difficult to adapt and address this problem alone. You should tackle this issue as partners to be able to surpass the many challenges that you have to go through.
How can you say that your wife/husband as a problem with alcoholism?  Here are a few signs and symptoms you could check to validate your hunches that your wife might be suffering from alcoholic drinks addiction.
1. You see her constantly irritated and depressed.
As a couple you might have spent a lot of time together so it is easy for you to conclude if your partner is going through something or not. If she suddenly feels irritated and depressed for no reason at all, you could simply conclude that there is an issue for you to discover. How can you associate this with alcoholism? Seeing your wife constantly in jeopardy or feeling incomplete whenever she fails to go out with friends and drink is a sign of alcoholism.
2. She starts to keep things away from you and stays out late at night.
When your wife starts to hide things from you, the places that she goes or the people she spends time with. Staying out late at night till wee hours in the morning is also a sign that she is heavily involved in something she could not do inside the house, just like drinking. When you start to see bottles of wine and vodka in your drawers or in awkward places in the house, alcoholism is indeed in the equation.
3. You fight too often and she ends up having a drinking spree after every fight.
Any stressful situation in your household or between you and your wife would all end up to her being drunk afterwards. When she starts to use drinking as an escape to confrontations any problems that you have to face as a couple, then you can simply conclude that alcoholism does exists and ruins your relationship with her.
Communication is the key to address this problem. Know here reasons why she started to get into drinking. Having a hard time getting into her feelings and the things that she might have in mind? Ask for professional or medical help. Any problem, or in this case, addiction to alcoholic drinks can be addressed with open communication and mature conversation between you and your wife.

[justtrying2014]

Wow.. I have daughters 16 and 14 and everything else is similar to your situation. I've been at my wits end for several years now, but not sure what to do. Do I leave? Do I stick it out? What? The only reason I can't leave is because I know my wife can't make it financially on her own and my daughters. I have no clue whats next.

[ibizan]

By ALL means get to more Al-Anon-have u considered finding a good counselor for yourself?

[WorriedandWorking]

A few people have posted that they or their spouse seem to get really drunk on just a beer or two.  That has started to happen since my wife started taking Lexipro, an anti-depressant.  She gets wobbly, slurs her words, starts repeating things over and over, and just isn't herself anymore.  This wasn't the way she acted if she drank before the Lexipro;  she'd get really cranky and we'd fight.  Now I either feel angry or like I don't want to be around her.  It's especially frustrating when she is in public or with just another person or two.  It seems like it's mostly attention seeking behavior.  Sometimes she can talk about it, but mostly she just repeats that she's sorry and she knows she needs help.  She's been going to AA, but often comes home drunk, sometimes after the meeting, sometimes instead of the meeting.  I'm very worried.  I love her, and I don't know what to do, which is how I found this thread.  I've been to some Al-Anon meetings, and I'm thinking of going to more.  I've copied some helpful writing from this string -- thank you.

Forgiveness and support those are the two things I want to offer and keep in mind when she drinks.  She went all 4 days of this weekend without drinking and commented on how great it felt to just be together and be close and be sober.  I guess what I'm afraid of that her drinking will get worse.  I want to be a helper toward sobriety, but I'm not sure how.  Being grounded and aware of my own reactions, so I'm not blowing up or disappearing.  Reading all this has given me resolve to be an active part of her healing early on.  

[dernsky]

wow im going through the same thing. married for 17 years. my wife likes to drink wine or almost anything, when we go to the lake its like 100 bucks just for her wine, gin, vodka..her and her friends start dinking at 4pm till the wee hours.... i get so mad when i get home and my wife has already started drinking wine, at least 3/4 quaters of bottle of wine a night. and alot more if i complain about it or give her the look(ive been told) now she blames me for making her drink so much. when she gets drunk she says that she is been upset for years and it comes out when she drinks.the only problem i have is she drinks too much. every holiday we have gone there is one night of pure hell. and its because of drinking. the next day after ignoring her for a couple hours she comes and says sorry. most of the time she cant remember why she would get so mad at me. it never fails now, after we go out to the pub or have friends over or a fire pit at the lake it ends with me doing or saying that makes her irrate. last time at the lake i took to long to help her out of her chair(i was in the middle of conversation) she called me a bunch of names, i ignored her and went to bed, you could hear her kicking chairs around. next morning she cant remember but its my fault. i dont think there is much help for us. i love every morning with her before i go to work, we have coffee talk even share a kiss. but when i get home the wine has started again..