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My boyfriend is an alcoholic. I didn't actually find this out until I actually was too far into the relationship to want to give him up. I know I'm really naive on the subject, even though I'm a psych major and feel I understand a lot. The first time he told me he'd quit (he's strong, he can do it on his own, yada yada), I foolishly believed him. The second time he told me he'd quit (this time he really meant it), I again was a fool to think it was true. I'm embarrassed to say that I really thought the third time was serious. Then he called me the other night drunk. He denies it but will sometimes later admit it, and so I've lost all trust on this issue.
So why is it that I can't let him go? He loves me, and I love him, and we're amazingly great when he's sober. I told him it's the alcohol or me, told him to get himself into rehab. I even told him that I'd quit this semester and take a leave of absence from work to help him through the next four weeks. He knows he has the option of doing that, but he doesn't want to leave his crew (knowing that if he does rehab, he'll be placed somewhere else with new people). Now I don't know what to do. He refuses counselling. And he's even gotten to the point where he mocks my knowledge on the subject. See, he needs counselling to get to the root of the issue, which happens to be PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) from the war. Now he's just beginning to resent me, and I'm starting to lose any hope of this relationship lasting.
Last night he admitted to me for the first time that he's a drunk and needs help. Though he won't admit it, I suspect he was drunk when he said it. I don't think it will mean anything in the end.
I don't know what I'm really looking for here. Advice? Support? Maybe both. My best friend is an ex-meth addict (three years sober now), and she's a wealth of support for me. I'm thankful to have her in my life. I just think I'm nearing the end of my rope here. Without rehab or counselling as an option he's willing to take, I don't know what else there could be? He once went to AA three times and made a joke of it. I suggested out-patient facilities, per my friend's advice, but with the way he's acting now (offensively - just angry and resentful), I don't know if there's anything else. I guess the alcohol wins. I know I'm the most valuable thing to him, but I don't think losing me is enough of a threat to clean him up.
If anything, thanks for listening.... This has been a very hard day!
Mel
So why is it that I can't let him go? He loves me, and I love him, and we're amazingly great when he's sober. I told him it's the alcohol or me, told him to get himself into rehab. I even told him that I'd quit this semester and take a leave of absence from work to help him through the next four weeks. He knows he has the option of doing that, but he doesn't want to leave his crew (knowing that if he does rehab, he'll be placed somewhere else with new people). Now I don't know what to do. He refuses counselling. And he's even gotten to the point where he mocks my knowledge on the subject. See, he needs counselling to get to the root of the issue, which happens to be PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) from the war. Now he's just beginning to resent me, and I'm starting to lose any hope of this relationship lasting.
Last night he admitted to me for the first time that he's a drunk and needs help. Though he won't admit it, I suspect he was drunk when he said it. I don't think it will mean anything in the end.
I don't know what I'm really looking for here. Advice? Support? Maybe both. My best friend is an ex-meth addict (three years sober now), and she's a wealth of support for me. I'm thankful to have her in my life. I just think I'm nearing the end of my rope here. Without rehab or counselling as an option he's willing to take, I don't know what else there could be? He once went to AA three times and made a joke of it. I suggested out-patient facilities, per my friend's advice, but with the way he's acting now (offensively - just angry and resentful), I don't know if there's anything else. I guess the alcohol wins. I know I'm the most valuable thing to him, but I don't think losing me is enough of a threat to clean him up.
If anything, thanks for listening.... This has been a very hard day!
Mel
You are codependent. As a psych major - you should be familiar with that term. Look back at your life and you will see that you probably came from other codependents.
The Language of Letting Go or CoDependency No More are two books that would benefit you.
I am a recovering alcoholic and in my experience - no amount of YOU is gonna cure HIM. He has to want it for himself and he has to hit a physical, spiritual and mental bottom before he can get it.
Leave him alone. Get on with your life or he will utimately drag you down with him.
The Language of Letting Go or CoDependency No More are two books that would benefit you.
I am a recovering alcoholic and in my experience - no amount of YOU is gonna cure HIM. He has to want it for himself and he has to hit a physical, spiritual and mental bottom before he can get it.
Leave him alone. Get on with your life or he will utimately drag you down with him.
I think he's quitting for you - not himself - and that's the problem right there. It sounds like it's taken tremendous effort to get this far, but remind yourself: if this is what it's like now, what is it going to be like years from now? You've fallen in love with an incomplete person (he's not complete without alcohol) and you couldn't have foreseen that. My advice: start doing what you can to prepare and support yourself through a breakup. Falling in love it such a big and complicated process, so expect falling out of love to be one as well.
Your situation reminds me of a friend. She asked her dad to quit drinking, and he became resentful towards her after a while. It was her fault he couldn't relax and enjoy himself. What BS for a young teen girl to deal with! Don't put yourself through that. Stay strong. You have lots of support here!
Your situation reminds me of a friend. She asked her dad to quit drinking, and he became resentful towards her after a while. It was her fault he couldn't relax and enjoy himself. What BS for a young teen girl to deal with! Don't put yourself through that. Stay strong. You have lots of support here!
COMMUNITY LEADER
A man who insults a woman and gives her putdowns does not love her.U really need to move on my dear and i know its hard but a must!My x relapsed with pot and cocaine....he began to insult me and say the cruelest/stupidest things i'd ever had a man say to me.It flabbergasted the hell outta me for it was never like this...but it began to develop.Men like this or women for that matter are incapapable of love...they don't even love themselves!If u remain in this u will endure more abuse...ur his emotional punching bag........extricate urself from this ASAP......sure glad i did....don't miss the drama verbal abuse and other BS.....u cannot save another who won't put forth the energy to right whats wrong with themselves!
I haven't been on here in a while. I guess you could call that my own denial that everything would be okay. I went on leave mid-Feb and flew out to AZ to stay with him for four weeks. He got sober as far as I know. I was with him the entire time and scoured the place for any alcohol.
Half way through the trip he started acting differently towards me. The entire time it was constant jokes about drinking, along with the jokes that put me down in one way or another. I started clinging for attention because I wasn't really getting it.
I realized after I got back, he must have started to resent me during that time. I know that I'm probably one of the most positive aspects of his life (and I believe deep down he knows this too), but I am a big reason he endures emotional and physical distress by quitting. Life may have been easier if he could just drink and do his thing without anyone coming in the way of that but his own personal thoughts. At least then he has no one to blame but himself.
I know this is not my fault, but I can't help but cry all the time. I want to stop. I know it's just self-pity. I just feel so emotionally broken. I suspect he quit just to prove to everyone else that he could, because the jokes were his way of telling me that he was going to drink again...on special occasions. I am guessing that he was drinking maybe three days after I left.
He has been avoiding me everyday - won't call, just sends me these random text messages. I think he wants me to end it, but I'd rather he do it. I don't know why I still want to believe love is enough and have hope for a future. That's just ********! I love him. I want him to be better, but he's in denial. His myspace page says he lives and loves his own life. That's what he changed it to from the previous statement that said he was willing to accept the terms. My stupid naivity. I seriously doubt he's loving life right now.
I know what I have to do. I mean, I've exhausted all options short of intervention and rehab (which he won't do since he can quit on his own). And now he avoids me, though I know he loves me (anyone have any insight on what he's doing there??). I just have a very hard time cutting that final cord. I really don't want to do it on bad terms, and I still linger to hope that I know is slim to none.
Okay, I'm rambling. I appreciate the support, because I know my friend is getting tired of hearing it.
To Josh33, that's awesome! And I hope it works out for you.
Half way through the trip he started acting differently towards me. The entire time it was constant jokes about drinking, along with the jokes that put me down in one way or another. I started clinging for attention because I wasn't really getting it.
I realized after I got back, he must have started to resent me during that time. I know that I'm probably one of the most positive aspects of his life (and I believe deep down he knows this too), but I am a big reason he endures emotional and physical distress by quitting. Life may have been easier if he could just drink and do his thing without anyone coming in the way of that but his own personal thoughts. At least then he has no one to blame but himself.
I know this is not my fault, but I can't help but cry all the time. I want to stop. I know it's just self-pity. I just feel so emotionally broken. I suspect he quit just to prove to everyone else that he could, because the jokes were his way of telling me that he was going to drink again...on special occasions. I am guessing that he was drinking maybe three days after I left.
He has been avoiding me everyday - won't call, just sends me these random text messages. I think he wants me to end it, but I'd rather he do it. I don't know why I still want to believe love is enough and have hope for a future. That's just ********! I love him. I want him to be better, but he's in denial. His myspace page says he lives and loves his own life. That's what he changed it to from the previous statement that said he was willing to accept the terms. My stupid naivity. I seriously doubt he's loving life right now.
I know what I have to do. I mean, I've exhausted all options short of intervention and rehab (which he won't do since he can quit on his own). And now he avoids me, though I know he loves me (anyone have any insight on what he's doing there??). I just have a very hard time cutting that final cord. I really don't want to do it on bad terms, and I still linger to hope that I know is slim to none.
Okay, I'm rambling. I appreciate the support, because I know my friend is getting tired of hearing it.
To Josh33, that's awesome! And I hope it works out for you.
COMMUNITY LEADER
this is good news!the diffficulty isn't really stopping drinking.....its STAYING STOPPED with the curve balls life tosses our way......he ha s a lot of work to do ...on his own......u can't do it for him...but i hope he continues..he needs AA or a support group that can be objective...where family and loved ones cannot.
Hi Mel,
Just thought I would tell you of my recent developments. It has been a very difficult and frustrating time since I posted last. My boyfriend and I have had some very trying experiences and I had exhausted all of my energy and attempts. After many arguments I finally told him that I was at the end of my rope and couldn't do this anymore. I told him that I loved him and that I wanted to spend life with him but I don't know what to do anymore. He said he would make an appointment with a doctor and the next day he didn't show up for work...AGAIN!!! I felt so disappointed. That night he called and said that he wanted to go to the rehab place that his insurance covers on the upcoming Sat. I said ok..but I didn't want to get my hopes up...too many disappointments. The next day...he didn't show up again...but at 9 a.m. he called me to tell me that he was going that day. I was in shock because I didn't think that this day would ever come. He made his appointment and drove himself to the outpatient rehab center and began his treatment on Thursday, February 28th! He hasn't had a drink since then. He is doing very well and I am so proud of him. Detox was stressful and difficult. He was on medication and he stayed with me the whole time. This is our first night apart since then. Everyday is a struggle but he is taking the steps to get healthy.
I am trying to take this one day at a time and believe in him. I know that there is a possibility of relapse, but I am trying to stay hopeful. He seems to have a determination and resolve that wasn't in him before. He called his boss and told her the truth about why he needed time off and has told his family too. I don't think it had much to do with anything I did...I think he was just ready.
Take this for what it's worth...and do what's right for you!!! I wish you both the best!
Just thought I would tell you of my recent developments. It has been a very difficult and frustrating time since I posted last. My boyfriend and I have had some very trying experiences and I had exhausted all of my energy and attempts. After many arguments I finally told him that I was at the end of my rope and couldn't do this anymore. I told him that I loved him and that I wanted to spend life with him but I don't know what to do anymore. He said he would make an appointment with a doctor and the next day he didn't show up for work...AGAIN!!! I felt so disappointed. That night he called and said that he wanted to go to the rehab place that his insurance covers on the upcoming Sat. I said ok..but I didn't want to get my hopes up...too many disappointments. The next day...he didn't show up again...but at 9 a.m. he called me to tell me that he was going that day. I was in shock because I didn't think that this day would ever come. He made his appointment and drove himself to the outpatient rehab center and began his treatment on Thursday, February 28th! He hasn't had a drink since then. He is doing very well and I am so proud of him. Detox was stressful and difficult. He was on medication and he stayed with me the whole time. This is our first night apart since then. Everyday is a struggle but he is taking the steps to get healthy.
I am trying to take this one day at a time and believe in him. I know that there is a possibility of relapse, but I am trying to stay hopeful. He seems to have a determination and resolve that wasn't in him before. He called his boss and told her the truth about why he needed time off and has told his family too. I don't think it had much to do with anything I did...I think he was just ready.
Take this for what it's worth...and do what's right for you!!! I wish you both the best!
My advice is definitely different than the others. The only person that can help him is himself. He has to admit he has a drinking problem (when sober!) and take the steps to get the help he needs. (And there is a lot out there). You have supported him. You have confronted him. You have done all you can to no avail. You are not married to this person nor do you have children. You do not need to be bogged down with this man's problems that he refused to get help for. I suggest al-annon to those who are married and have children. However, You have a door in which you can leave. I know this sounds harsh, but it is the best you can do for YOU and maybe for him...Maybe then he will see the things that he is losing all for alcohol and get the help he needs.
you cant do it for him go to Alonon if yoiu want to help him tough love, He has to want it for jimselff not to save his relationship I walked away from 14 years of marrahge i knew she would never say that she had a problem even sfter qall those DUIs she got one on her wedding shower night she called me to get her out of jsil and we werent even mARRIED I should have run then but i was in love and I forgot when I read that what that feels like I havent had someone love me for a ;long time I was abused for 6n years with verbal phycical sexual yiu name it she did it She tried to get me so drunk then give me an achocol emema medical achocal she wanted to kill me i think I had witnessnes but I never took her to couret I was up in stlanta with my parents They are still there but they dont help much, anymore so besides My VA case Manager I have no one any more. I had my best friend Melissa move in with her boyfriend and that was the end pof our friend ship mostly I dont see her any more I email here and sometimes if I find out which meeting she goes to I maybe able to see her but I dint try It is hard to see your former roommate and best froiend ignore you ahe said that she does not but her BF doesnt wnat her over here she still has stuff to get this week I need to rent the room out I need the money I dont have any money this month I only have 100.00 for all month GAS, cIG, AND FOOD, I dont know what to do I called all the services and I am going to try and get more free food. I browwed soem money when she was still here at the beigoining of last month and I brought brand name Cig 2 cartons 64.00 she had to have them she wouldnt smoke the nonbrand that I was for 17,00 a carton instead of 33.00 a carton OMGm well its nopt my problen mow its her boyfriends he works I am on SSDI I am disabled I cant wotk I knpow that. But I do miss having her around, Thats It foir me I was upo like I said all night I am oiin Pain.
ffrank Duffey
ffrank Duffey
COMMUNITY LEADER
I know how u feel......my x was clean from cocaine 4 years....relapsed...he turned int2 Vlad Tepes aka Dracula from Transylvania...a most evil nasty creature with an abusive mouth.I had to eject him from my life....and so glad i did.....he did not want help or to change his ways...my life does now know the meaning of serenity again....and it will remain that way!life is to short for all the fussing and fighting.....Beatles were right on with those lyrics!
I am in exactly the same situation as both of you (although I've not studied psychology). I have had the broken promises, mistrust, positivity, negativity etc from my partner and I think I am now at the end of my tether so much so that my heart is breaking as I know that we have to split up. I can no longer come second to alcohol. I am his carer not his girlfriend. I'm fed up of cleaning up after him and mending broken furniture that he has fallen on, wondering what I'm coming home to when I'm at work and even how much longer he will live. I feel so guilty for some of my thoughts - he threatens to kill himself sometimes cos he just hates life, drinking, himself etc - and sometimes I wish he would just do it cos it'd be a way out. How awful is that thought, I don't really wish it but you know.....
Alcohol has turned the man I love into someone unrecognisable - he is the most wonderful man when sober and we have a great time together. But if he's left on his own then he takes solace in a bottle of vodka. That's a huge issue - being depended on that much. I think I have cried non stop for so long I've forgotten what it's like to smile.
I have so much to say that i feel it's coming out all garbled - sorry xox
Alcohol has turned the man I love into someone unrecognisable - he is the most wonderful man when sober and we have a great time together. But if he's left on his own then he takes solace in a bottle of vodka. That's a huge issue - being depended on that much. I think I have cried non stop for so long I've forgotten what it's like to smile.
I have so much to say that i feel it's coming out all garbled - sorry xox
I am new here...my first time logging in. We are in a very similar situation. I have my BA in Psychology too! I found out about his alcoholism after we were together for a while and I had already fallen so in love with him. I am one of those people who has always tried to help everyone...and so I really don't want to have to give up on him. I also don't want to get married to and have children with an alcoholic either. I believe with all of my heart that he is the person I am destined to be with, but I know in my heart that I will have to give up my soulmate if he can't get sober. I know that none of this is helpful...I just thought it might make you feel a little better to know that you are not the only one experiencing something like this...and I sincerely understand your pain!!!! I wish you happiness and I hope your dreams come true...good luck!
Hi. I think NanaGG and Ibizan are right. The only person you can trust is yourself; that's true for each of us, even those of us with addictions (though even trusting yourself can be iffy under the influence!)
You really have to trust yourself and your instincts; and remember that unless you are taking care of yourself, you can't help others without hurting yourself (emotionally, spiritually, professionally, etc etc). And it sounds like you know that giving up so much of yourself for someone who isn't ready to change is not likely to help either of you.
Read the stories here, and as a psych major you should have access to counselors who can help you sort your end of this as well. Al-Anon would probably be really helpful for you too, to hear and share with others in your situation. Good luck to both of you.
You really have to trust yourself and your instincts; and remember that unless you are taking care of yourself, you can't help others without hurting yourself (emotionally, spiritually, professionally, etc etc). And it sounds like you know that giving up so much of yourself for someone who isn't ready to change is not likely to help either of you.
Read the stories here, and as a psych major you should have access to counselors who can help you sort your end of this as well. Al-Anon would probably be really helpful for you too, to hear and share with others in your situation. Good luck to both of you.
COMMUNITY LEADER
u need to get urself to Al-Anon.Do NOT take off from school and work to help him through rehab if he ends up going!U r willing to turn urself inside out for him but what is he willing to do for himself?U r not the most valuable thing to him now.....alcohol is.He is not reponsible for being alcoholic but he is responsible for what he CHOOSES 2 do about it.I got sober/clean 24 yrs.ago.I did not have a lot of support from my family..they basically told me is ur problem take care of it!And i did..i'm the only one who could...and the rooms of AA and NA helped.All u can do is support and encourage him....thats all u can do.If he chooses to continue as he is then u must decide whether to remain with him and be drug thru misery or move forward with ur life!
You might want to check out: living with an alcoholic and divorice and breakups, scottie2 Follow the posts to the end, there are some others that have experienced similar relationships. You will find some great insight into where this could end up. experience gains wisdoms, sometimes one persons experience & wisdom & pain can help someone else. People never think it will happen to them and they will be the one to make a difference. As many of them post, the alcohol is the most important thing in their life. Your lucky, you still have the choice to spare yourself a heartache that will be much worse than the one you will have by going forward in your life and having a bright future.Many of them wish they could turn back time. And have a do-over, Good Luck, God Bless and I pray he will guide and protect you from a painful future. I am glad you are smart enough to reach out and not be in complete denial.
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