Aa
Relapsing boyfriend
My 50-year-old boyfriend has been off and on in recovery for over a year but can't seem to make it stick. He was a maintenance alcoholic and developed an ulcer; before we met he had nearly died from bleeding internally while trying to detox himself (he is a freelancer and has no health insurance). He's not in denial that he has to quit, but he stops going to AA and tries to do it "his way." Before long (sometimes a couple of months, but as short as three weeks) he's "taking a break" which of course slides back into full drinking. Then it's very hard for him to build up the nerve to go through withdrawal again. He won't go to county detox as he has past trauma over confinement. I've been with him through two detoxes at home, so I know it's hell, and risky. But the memory of it doesn't seem to deter him when a slip comes on. The disease is so sneaky.
He's a lovely man when sober (and not even terrible when drinking, just grandiose and narcissistic--and doomed), highly intelligent and adores me, and I love him deeply; I feel he's sincere in his desire to quit, and we are able to talk openly and honestly about the issues. He knows rationally that his life is at stake. He comes out of withdrawal with new purpose but then he either feels pressure build or feels dampened emotionally or reacts to something stressful and can't seem to resist. He's reticent about AA, though he does feel it helps him and he likes his sponsor. But some part of him continues to resist. I'm also concerned about the long-term health effects of repeated withdrawals. We both see that the disease progresses even through periods of abstinence, because it takes less and less alcohol to put him back into withdrawal symptoms.
I just don't know how long I can hold on or how to detach and not be so stressed and anxious over his slips. We have been talking marriage and agree he needs at least six months or more completely sober before we take that step, but sometimes I wonder if he can do it. As long as he's willing and keeps trying, I want to stay beside him, but it's the worst feeling to be so helpless; I will find an Al-Anon group, but any help or perspective here would be welcome.
He's a lovely man when sober (and not even terrible when drinking, just grandiose and narcissistic--and doomed), highly intelligent and adores me, and I love him deeply; I feel he's sincere in his desire to quit, and we are able to talk openly and honestly about the issues. He knows rationally that his life is at stake. He comes out of withdrawal with new purpose but then he either feels pressure build or feels dampened emotionally or reacts to something stressful and can't seem to resist. He's reticent about AA, though he does feel it helps him and he likes his sponsor. But some part of him continues to resist. I'm also concerned about the long-term health effects of repeated withdrawals. We both see that the disease progresses even through periods of abstinence, because it takes less and less alcohol to put him back into withdrawal symptoms.
I just don't know how long I can hold on or how to detach and not be so stressed and anxious over his slips. We have been talking marriage and agree he needs at least six months or more completely sober before we take that step, but sometimes I wonder if he can do it. As long as he's willing and keeps trying, I want to stay beside him, but it's the worst feeling to be so helpless; I will find an Al-Anon group, but any help or perspective here would be welcome.
In my previous post, I didn't mean to suggest that the other ideas submitted by Working Dog, were bad ideas. In fact, they are good ideas. I was only suggesting that chemical/psychological issues need to be addressed prior to working/planning around the recovery.
Working dogs earlier suggestions about extra activities is a good one, if they fit the individual.
For example, if the person never exercised before, then this is not a good idea. We don't want to throw new things at ourselves. Not now - not at this time. The body is struggling to get back to normal - it doesn't need NEW things to deal with… especially, new things that tax the body in new areas, with new demands. I'm not saying that a nice walk isn't a good idea. We have walked all our lives and the body doesn't need to adjust to this. Actually, a short walk can be good to clear the mind of any cluttered thoughts in some people.
In this particular area of recovery, I tend to disagree with some of the field recovery people. Many preach that we need to change our surroundings, our daily activities, etc... To me, this just adds more stress to an already, over-sensitive mind/body.
I agree with working dog. We do need more to occupy or mind and body at this point of recovery, but nothing that could cause additional stress or anxiety. These changes need to be carefully thought out to each individual. No two people are the same, so their course of recovery and activities will differ.
I was never really an athletic person. After my childhood, I never associated with sports or physical activities again. Even walking seemed silly to me at the time of my initial recovery.
As I look back now, I see that occupying my mind was more important than any physical thing I could have been doing. Many people who exercise and workout claim that it keeps their mind occupied at the same time, though I don't understand it, I don't doubt it and would suggest doing it. Especially, if it's what your body is familiar with prior to, or during your alcohol abuse.
This is just my own personal opinion, but I firmly believe that the secret to recovery evolves around healing the brain first. It's the brain that has suffered the most damage... a reversible damage that just takes time. The thought process is screwed up and we find it hard to concentrate, we don't understand the things we are feeling and our mind has become so sensitive that it over-reacts and races in all directions. The alcohol is no longer there to smother the thought processes and your brain is waking up. It's trying to put itself in check; it's experimenting with old routines that the alcohol wouldn't allow it to perform. The mind is discovering that it's free from the "Cloud" caused by the alcohol and it's testing itself. The brain is happy! It just needs the time to make all it's little corrections, which it does with time. The mind is a powerful, amazing thing when not shackled by drugs or alcohol. In its NEW drug free state, it knows what's best for you and is working on your recovery.
It's at this point that we need to stimulate areas of the brain to keep it occupied in our favor. This will benefit you in your recovery and it gives your mind an outlet to do its thing at the same time.
I'm sure everyone can think of something they have done in the past that is perfect for this self-help portion of recovery. We all can remember doing something and while doing it, look at the clock and say, "Wow, I been here for 3 hours?" Where did time go. We became so occupied with something that we forgot about time. This type of thing is exactly what I am referring to for self-serving, healing, mind stimulation. Though we may have avoided these things in normal life because we thought they were a waste of time, or they caused us to be late for another engagement, or others looked at it as non-productive - now is the time to embrace these things. Even if you or others feel they are stupid activities... Do Them Anyway! They are keeping a portion of your mind busy - in turn, achieving many things toward your recovery. While a small portion of your brain is busy with your activities, the rest of the mind can do its self-repairs in the background without you being constantly aware of it.
If we sit in a chair during the first weeks of our recovery and do nothing but try and self analyze the feelings and thoughts that our mind is racing through while repairing itself, we will break, we will fail, and we will drink. It's much too overwhelming to cope with. We need a way to escape, in comfort and let the brain do it's thing. It doesn't need our help in analyzing things.
Let the mind heal first and give it room to do so, without constantly monitoring it and interfering with its progress by trying to analyze everything. If he feels trapped or like he is in a cocoon, then he is analyzing too much. Take a deep breath, remember that your mind is busy healing (it’s all good) and find something within your control to occupy your thoughts.
Another very helpful thing to remember as a recovering alcoholic, is that everything is OK. You have beaten the dangerous part of the recovery. You made it through the detox and you are now on your way to your new life. Many things will happen along the way to recovery, mental and physical, as your body gets better. It’s important for the recovering alcoholic to understand that it’s OK. These things you feel and don’t understand, though scary or confusing, are good things.
The first 3 months of recovery are tough because of all this. The recovering alcoholic still lives in the fear of the unknown. Taking a deep breath and telling ourselves, it’s OK, is the best medicine we can offer ourselves.
As working dog stated, 2 weeks is just the beginning. At 2 weeks, the body has only just begun the healing process. Part of this healing process is recovery first. At 2 weeks, the body is still trying to recover from the years of damage. This early period of recovery is the time to be humble and grateful. A time to try and understand that the things you are feeling are "Normal" and will pass.
Working dogs earlier suggestions about extra activities is a good one, if they fit the individual.
For example, if the person never exercised before, then this is not a good idea. We don't want to throw new things at ourselves. Not now - not at this time. The body is struggling to get back to normal - it doesn't need NEW things to deal with… especially, new things that tax the body in new areas, with new demands. I'm not saying that a nice walk isn't a good idea. We have walked all our lives and the body doesn't need to adjust to this. Actually, a short walk can be good to clear the mind of any cluttered thoughts in some people.
In this particular area of recovery, I tend to disagree with some of the field recovery people. Many preach that we need to change our surroundings, our daily activities, etc... To me, this just adds more stress to an already, over-sensitive mind/body.
I agree with working dog. We do need more to occupy or mind and body at this point of recovery, but nothing that could cause additional stress or anxiety. These changes need to be carefully thought out to each individual. No two people are the same, so their course of recovery and activities will differ.
I was never really an athletic person. After my childhood, I never associated with sports or physical activities again. Even walking seemed silly to me at the time of my initial recovery.
As I look back now, I see that occupying my mind was more important than any physical thing I could have been doing. Many people who exercise and workout claim that it keeps their mind occupied at the same time, though I don't understand it, I don't doubt it and would suggest doing it. Especially, if it's what your body is familiar with prior to, or during your alcohol abuse.
This is just my own personal opinion, but I firmly believe that the secret to recovery evolves around healing the brain first. It's the brain that has suffered the most damage... a reversible damage that just takes time. The thought process is screwed up and we find it hard to concentrate, we don't understand the things we are feeling and our mind has become so sensitive that it over-reacts and races in all directions. The alcohol is no longer there to smother the thought processes and your brain is waking up. It's trying to put itself in check; it's experimenting with old routines that the alcohol wouldn't allow it to perform. The mind is discovering that it's free from the "Cloud" caused by the alcohol and it's testing itself. The brain is happy! It just needs the time to make all it's little corrections, which it does with time. The mind is a powerful, amazing thing when not shackled by drugs or alcohol. In its NEW drug free state, it knows what's best for you and is working on your recovery.
It's at this point that we need to stimulate areas of the brain to keep it occupied in our favor. This will benefit you in your recovery and it gives your mind an outlet to do its thing at the same time.
I'm sure everyone can think of something they have done in the past that is perfect for this self-help portion of recovery. We all can remember doing something and while doing it, look at the clock and say, "Wow, I been here for 3 hours?" Where did time go. We became so occupied with something that we forgot about time. This type of thing is exactly what I am referring to for self-serving, healing, mind stimulation. Though we may have avoided these things in normal life because we thought they were a waste of time, or they caused us to be late for another engagement, or others looked at it as non-productive - now is the time to embrace these things. Even if you or others feel they are stupid activities... Do Them Anyway! They are keeping a portion of your mind busy - in turn, achieving many things toward your recovery. While a small portion of your brain is busy with your activities, the rest of the mind can do its self-repairs in the background without you being constantly aware of it.
If we sit in a chair during the first weeks of our recovery and do nothing but try and self analyze the feelings and thoughts that our mind is racing through while repairing itself, we will break, we will fail, and we will drink. It's much too overwhelming to cope with. We need a way to escape, in comfort and let the brain do it's thing. It doesn't need our help in analyzing things.
Let the mind heal first and give it room to do so, without constantly monitoring it and interfering with its progress by trying to analyze everything. If he feels trapped or like he is in a cocoon, then he is analyzing too much. Take a deep breath, remember that your mind is busy healing (it’s all good) and find something within your control to occupy your thoughts.
Another very helpful thing to remember as a recovering alcoholic, is that everything is OK. You have beaten the dangerous part of the recovery. You made it through the detox and you are now on your way to your new life. Many things will happen along the way to recovery, mental and physical, as your body gets better. It’s important for the recovering alcoholic to understand that it’s OK. These things you feel and don’t understand, though scary or confusing, are good things.
The first 3 months of recovery are tough because of all this. The recovering alcoholic still lives in the fear of the unknown. Taking a deep breath and telling ourselves, it’s OK, is the best medicine we can offer ourselves.
As working dog stated, 2 weeks is just the beginning. At 2 weeks, the body has only just begun the healing process. Part of this healing process is recovery first. At 2 weeks, the body is still trying to recover from the years of damage. This early period of recovery is the time to be humble and grateful. A time to try and understand that the things you are feeling are "Normal" and will pass.
my symptoms lasted bad for 3 months and took 6 months to get under control....so at a couple weeks he's just getting started....billy
COMMUNITY LEADER
Mr.Obvious makes excellent points.About 40 some percent of alcoholics and drug addicts have a co-exisiting problem with anxiety,depression or a personality disorder.This also needs to be addressed for the person won't get sober..i have found that those folks with that are like gee one more thing wrong with me and can balk at treatment for this and non- addictive medication that will help.Nice to see Mr.Obvious didn't!Some AA folks are very close minded about this and wise to steer clear of them..there r those who r understanding.Signed one who works in the alcohol/drug field and an old sober drunk/addict herself!!!!:))))
Thank you so much. That's really helpful information and insight. With him it's a bit of both categories. He does have intermittent problems with anxiety, also has ADD, and we've both wondered if he isn't mildly bipolar. All of which play into his judgment under stress. And though rationally he says he knows he can't drink, there seems to be a shadow side of him who keeps wanting to test it. Then when he does, and the inevitable slide happens, he's deeply embarrassed and angry with himself. What you say about the brain really makes sense.
One somewhat related topic, kind of the inverse of the anxiety: Once he's been sober a couple of weeks, his emotions quiet way down; he describes it as feeling "walled off" or "cocooned." After a while he feels trapped in this numb state and uncomfortable with it. Is this common? Is it the brain readjusting to function without alcohol? How long does it take to emerge from this?
One somewhat related topic, kind of the inverse of the anxiety: Once he's been sober a couple of weeks, his emotions quiet way down; he describes it as feeling "walled off" or "cocooned." After a while he feels trapped in this numb state and uncomfortable with it. Is this common? Is it the brain readjusting to function without alcohol? How long does it take to emerge from this?
(Continued from the above post)
Category #2 – “If the drinkin’ don’t kill me, this other thing will…”
People in this category are just as complicated to understand, if not more so. These are people that have other issues that usually drive them back to drinking. It’s hard enough to admit others that you have an alcohol problem. What makes it harder to admit is the fact that he doesn’t understand it and it just doesn’t make sense, but he does recognize it and takes the first step of admitting it. Now that he has admitted it and takes the steps to correct it, he feels like a weight has been lifted. Though it’s not easy, he begins to gradually pick himself up with treatment, support or whatever path he chose to reach sobriety. After a week, a month, two months… he suddenly finds himself in an either very familiar or a completely unfamiliar state of panic, for no reason. This will be the first of his many battles with staying sober and the crazy thing is that he either has never felt this before and could drink to escape it or he has felt it before and thought that he left it behind with the alcohol. Something as simple as an Anxiety attack can send a person with the best intentions to seek out a drink, real quick. Even a person in AA with a sponsor could fall for this attack and never call the sponsor. Why would they? It was hard enough to admit that they had a drinking problem. They don’t wanna call their sponsor and say, “I think I might be crazy”. The sad part about this is that 90% of the people you could call, sponsor or not, would think you were crazy.
To someone who has never experienced an Anxiety attack, it can be so crippling that you will do anything to make it stop, even if it means drinking again.
Panic Attacks are as simple as hiccups and easier to control, if you know what it is. If you don’t know what a panic attack is and you are suddenly overcome, you are the most frightened you have been in your life, you can’t think straight, your body begins to show physical signs that are real, not imagined… rapid pulse, shortness of breath, dizziness, instant sweating and anything else you want to feel. It’s real. Feel the chest of a panic attack victim and it will feel like their heart is about to pound out of their chest, the sweat on their forehead is real. It’s all real and to this person who doesn’t understand it, it becomes another hurdle in their alcohol recovery. Fortunately, the panic attack ends as quickly as it began… only to have another bout in an hour, a day, a week or whenever.
People don’t understand the power of an Anxiety Attack, but they are REAL and they are devastating if you don’t understand them. Anxiety attacks have been known to cause suicides, so having a drink to control it, in the eyes of an alcoholic is the fastest, temporary fix. Especially if this person suffered the Anxiety attacks while drinking – and chances are, they did. It’s like a bell going off. Get a drink quick or suffer the consequences.
I realize that Anxiety Attacks are a completely separate illness than alcoholism, but from my experience. One loves the others company. It’s like Alcoholism and Anxiety attacks go together.
I honestly believe that there should be more focus on panic attacks and their association with alcoholics. This should be something you talk about in AA meetings, should be something you discuss in treatment programs, so that when you are out on your own and it pops it’s ugly head, you will know how to deal with it, instead of having a drink.
An Anxiety Attack is no more than a slight (or major) glitch in your bodies ability to react to situations. Even the smallest thing like a car door slamming in the distance or a thought that you might have left the coffee pot on at home, or even for no reason that you are aware off… can set off a panic attack. Once the adrenaline has been activated, the uncomfortable party begins. However, controlling these attacks is simpler than stopping hiccups, if you understand it and know what to do. Unfortunately, a person who has developed panic attacks thru alcoholism, find a whole new battle on their road to recovery. Most will drink before admitting they have another problem they don’t understand.
I know… first time I approached someone while I was trying to get sober and explained the panic attack, I was looked at oddly and told, “You losing it?”.
Yep, I drank to get away from it.
Those days are gone now. Nov. 14th, marked my 17th year of sobriety and it took me at least 5 tries at sobriety because of the 2 categories above. I stopped drinking at age 30, after 13 years of Chronic level III alcoholism. I now rejoice in helping others beat Anxiety Attacks and I’m always there for someone who really needs help finding sobriety. Good luck to all that chose the sober path. You’ll get there.
Category #2 – “If the drinkin’ don’t kill me, this other thing will…”
People in this category are just as complicated to understand, if not more so. These are people that have other issues that usually drive them back to drinking. It’s hard enough to admit others that you have an alcohol problem. What makes it harder to admit is the fact that he doesn’t understand it and it just doesn’t make sense, but he does recognize it and takes the first step of admitting it. Now that he has admitted it and takes the steps to correct it, he feels like a weight has been lifted. Though it’s not easy, he begins to gradually pick himself up with treatment, support or whatever path he chose to reach sobriety. After a week, a month, two months… he suddenly finds himself in an either very familiar or a completely unfamiliar state of panic, for no reason. This will be the first of his many battles with staying sober and the crazy thing is that he either has never felt this before and could drink to escape it or he has felt it before and thought that he left it behind with the alcohol. Something as simple as an Anxiety attack can send a person with the best intentions to seek out a drink, real quick. Even a person in AA with a sponsor could fall for this attack and never call the sponsor. Why would they? It was hard enough to admit that they had a drinking problem. They don’t wanna call their sponsor and say, “I think I might be crazy”. The sad part about this is that 90% of the people you could call, sponsor or not, would think you were crazy.
To someone who has never experienced an Anxiety attack, it can be so crippling that you will do anything to make it stop, even if it means drinking again.
Panic Attacks are as simple as hiccups and easier to control, if you know what it is. If you don’t know what a panic attack is and you are suddenly overcome, you are the most frightened you have been in your life, you can’t think straight, your body begins to show physical signs that are real, not imagined… rapid pulse, shortness of breath, dizziness, instant sweating and anything else you want to feel. It’s real. Feel the chest of a panic attack victim and it will feel like their heart is about to pound out of their chest, the sweat on their forehead is real. It’s all real and to this person who doesn’t understand it, it becomes another hurdle in their alcohol recovery. Fortunately, the panic attack ends as quickly as it began… only to have another bout in an hour, a day, a week or whenever.
People don’t understand the power of an Anxiety Attack, but they are REAL and they are devastating if you don’t understand them. Anxiety attacks have been known to cause suicides, so having a drink to control it, in the eyes of an alcoholic is the fastest, temporary fix. Especially if this person suffered the Anxiety attacks while drinking – and chances are, they did. It’s like a bell going off. Get a drink quick or suffer the consequences.
I realize that Anxiety Attacks are a completely separate illness than alcoholism, but from my experience. One loves the others company. It’s like Alcoholism and Anxiety attacks go together.
I honestly believe that there should be more focus on panic attacks and their association with alcoholics. This should be something you talk about in AA meetings, should be something you discuss in treatment programs, so that when you are out on your own and it pops it’s ugly head, you will know how to deal with it, instead of having a drink.
An Anxiety Attack is no more than a slight (or major) glitch in your bodies ability to react to situations. Even the smallest thing like a car door slamming in the distance or a thought that you might have left the coffee pot on at home, or even for no reason that you are aware off… can set off a panic attack. Once the adrenaline has been activated, the uncomfortable party begins. However, controlling these attacks is simpler than stopping hiccups, if you understand it and know what to do. Unfortunately, a person who has developed panic attacks thru alcoholism, find a whole new battle on their road to recovery. Most will drink before admitting they have another problem they don’t understand.
I know… first time I approached someone while I was trying to get sober and explained the panic attack, I was looked at oddly and told, “You losing it?”.
Yep, I drank to get away from it.
Those days are gone now. Nov. 14th, marked my 17th year of sobriety and it took me at least 5 tries at sobriety because of the 2 categories above. I stopped drinking at age 30, after 13 years of Chronic level III alcoholism. I now rejoice in helping others beat Anxiety Attacks and I’m always there for someone who really needs help finding sobriety. Good luck to all that chose the sober path. You’ll get there.
All of the medications in the world or any number of activities used to distract from the problem, will never work if the underlying issues have not been addressed.
You've made it clear that he has the ability and the strength to stop, but staying sober for any length of time, seems to be the problem. This is common.
First, I separate these Alcoholics into two categories.
Category #1 - "Yes, I AM an alcoholic, I think..."
This person really wants to quit, but doesn't understand the power of alcohol addiction, even though they have been thru detox several times. He understands how complicated it was to get sober, but at the same time - he looks at alcoholism as something that, eventually, given enough tries, he will be able to drink socially like most of the people around him He will be able to fix where he has gone wrong before. He believes that he can make it work. Alcoholism has no foundation that can be worked, shaped or altered to fit a persons lifestyle, if they are like this person and have the unfortunate chemistry and psychological traits that TRUE, DESTRUCTIVE forms of alcoholism prey upon.
Whether his now chronic alcoholism was sparked by genetics or if he caused it through abuse, he will never be able to harness the outcome and hasn't learned this yet.
It's not possible. Here’s why:
There is a VERY REAL line that a person crosses that becomes the point of no return. It's like smoking. You smoke and hope that you don't develope a fatal condition. If you are lucky, you smoke your entire life and never have any smoking related problems. If you are unlucky, you smoke and develope heart disease or lung disease - You crossed that VERY REAL line.
Once you cross the line with alcoholism, the damage that we have done is too the brain. Permanent damage that can't be reversed. It's for life and there is no cure for it. This doesn't mean we can't stop drinking and live a normal life.. it just means we can NEVER drink again. It's like a switch in the brain that toggles to "Safe Mode" and prepares to either function on alcohol or function without it - depending on what the person chooses. The brain doesn't care either way anymore. It's in "Safe Mode" now because it's damaged.
What this damage means is that the brain has realized that it can no longer judge, calculate or interpret your drinking process. It will no longer defend your body in response to alcohol, the cravings, the side effects, etc.. It's damaged.
So, a person in this category, after a week or a few weeks of sobriety says, "Hmm.. look at Bob over there... he drinks occasionally and doesn’t seem to have any problems. I could probably do that too..". I just need to go slow at it and watch what I’m doing.
He has a drink. Even the smallest drink and he's thinking... this isn't so bad, I think I can do this if I really try. I'll just drink one and maybe wait a week and try it again.
WRONG!
While he was having that first drink. The damaged brain flips the switch - "Safe Mode". Remember, in Safe Mode, the brain doesn't care about anything associated with alcohol anymore. It's not going to do anything to help anymore. It's damaged. So, if you suffered from shakes or tremors during your alcohol abuse, then the brain welcomes them. In Safe Mode, they are expected. The brain isn't going to do anything to help you control them. It's DAMAGED. Anxiety attacks... the damaged brain says, "I can't deal with them in Safe Mode", good luck. The sweats, loss of appetite, paranoia and all of those things that made you miserable when you were drinking are back, in full strength, just as they were when you quit drinking last time.
If you are lucky, this may not occur after that first drink, because the brain might be delayed in throwing the “Safe Mode” switch, but you can rest assured that the switch will be thrown in the first few experiments. Once in Safe Mode, you don’t gradually get worse with the side effects, they are immediate and as severe as when you quit drinking the last time. The brain doesn’t try and ease them gradually, it just steps aside and lets them take on the monster form that you suddenly remember all too well.
A person in this category has not yet learned about the REAL line that they have crossed. They have not yet discovered the real power of alcoholism – or more so, how powerless they are to alcohol. All they know is their last drinking bout went wrong somewhere and they believe that, given another try, they could do things differently and drink like everyone else. They don’t realize that they have damaged something and will never be able to drink again. Until they learn this, they will remain in this category and will try unsuccessfully, to drink normally like most other people they see who are able to take it or leave it. Too Late – The damage is done.
(Category #2 can be found in the following post) 8000 char. limit
You've made it clear that he has the ability and the strength to stop, but staying sober for any length of time, seems to be the problem. This is common.
First, I separate these Alcoholics into two categories.
Category #1 - "Yes, I AM an alcoholic, I think..."
This person really wants to quit, but doesn't understand the power of alcohol addiction, even though they have been thru detox several times. He understands how complicated it was to get sober, but at the same time - he looks at alcoholism as something that, eventually, given enough tries, he will be able to drink socially like most of the people around him He will be able to fix where he has gone wrong before. He believes that he can make it work. Alcoholism has no foundation that can be worked, shaped or altered to fit a persons lifestyle, if they are like this person and have the unfortunate chemistry and psychological traits that TRUE, DESTRUCTIVE forms of alcoholism prey upon.
Whether his now chronic alcoholism was sparked by genetics or if he caused it through abuse, he will never be able to harness the outcome and hasn't learned this yet.
It's not possible. Here’s why:
There is a VERY REAL line that a person crosses that becomes the point of no return. It's like smoking. You smoke and hope that you don't develope a fatal condition. If you are lucky, you smoke your entire life and never have any smoking related problems. If you are unlucky, you smoke and develope heart disease or lung disease - You crossed that VERY REAL line.
Once you cross the line with alcoholism, the damage that we have done is too the brain. Permanent damage that can't be reversed. It's for life and there is no cure for it. This doesn't mean we can't stop drinking and live a normal life.. it just means we can NEVER drink again. It's like a switch in the brain that toggles to "Safe Mode" and prepares to either function on alcohol or function without it - depending on what the person chooses. The brain doesn't care either way anymore. It's in "Safe Mode" now because it's damaged.
What this damage means is that the brain has realized that it can no longer judge, calculate or interpret your drinking process. It will no longer defend your body in response to alcohol, the cravings, the side effects, etc.. It's damaged.
So, a person in this category, after a week or a few weeks of sobriety says, "Hmm.. look at Bob over there... he drinks occasionally and doesn’t seem to have any problems. I could probably do that too..". I just need to go slow at it and watch what I’m doing.
He has a drink. Even the smallest drink and he's thinking... this isn't so bad, I think I can do this if I really try. I'll just drink one and maybe wait a week and try it again.
WRONG!
While he was having that first drink. The damaged brain flips the switch - "Safe Mode". Remember, in Safe Mode, the brain doesn't care about anything associated with alcohol anymore. It's not going to do anything to help anymore. It's damaged. So, if you suffered from shakes or tremors during your alcohol abuse, then the brain welcomes them. In Safe Mode, they are expected. The brain isn't going to do anything to help you control them. It's DAMAGED. Anxiety attacks... the damaged brain says, "I can't deal with them in Safe Mode", good luck. The sweats, loss of appetite, paranoia and all of those things that made you miserable when you were drinking are back, in full strength, just as they were when you quit drinking last time.
If you are lucky, this may not occur after that first drink, because the brain might be delayed in throwing the “Safe Mode” switch, but you can rest assured that the switch will be thrown in the first few experiments. Once in Safe Mode, you don’t gradually get worse with the side effects, they are immediate and as severe as when you quit drinking the last time. The brain doesn’t try and ease them gradually, it just steps aside and lets them take on the monster form that you suddenly remember all too well.
A person in this category has not yet learned about the REAL line that they have crossed. They have not yet discovered the real power of alcoholism – or more so, how powerless they are to alcohol. All they know is their last drinking bout went wrong somewhere and they believe that, given another try, they could do things differently and drink like everyone else. They don’t realize that they have damaged something and will never be able to drink again. Until they learn this, they will remain in this category and will try unsuccessfully, to drink normally like most other people they see who are able to take it or leave it. Too Late – The damage is done.
(Category #2 can be found in the following post) 8000 char. limit
he must really love his alcohol to keep going through withdrawal.....i wouldn't think of marriage for a couple years...i went through withdrawal in my 50s and would never want to do that again...i think i almost died many times going through withdrawals...see if he can start an exercice program..does he work??...looks like you've got your work cut out for you..good luck...billy
COMMUNITY LEADER
ur welcome..he CAN do it.....i've seen people get sober in their 60's and 70's after years of drinking....for health reasons...but this is important for a recovering alcoholic and earth people.....HALT...don't get 2 hungry,angry,lonely or tired!Robin Williams screwed up not practicing that...was working on 3 movies at same time!!!whoa too much there!...also bi-polar!i love him and loved his candid interview in People about his relapse and getting back on track again.Same for u dear...u gotta practice HALT 2!:)))
Thanks, I will look into Campral. I agree (and so does he) that the root comes from his own willfulness. As I've heard some in AA say, it's not really a drinking problem, it's a living problem. And I know it can take time; as his sponsor has said, think how much time you've devoted to your drinking career; it's not going to go away overnight. I just pray he's not one of those "constitutionally incapable" ones. I understand the risks over the long haul, and that relapses can happen even after many years' sobriety (look at Robin Williams). Anyway, thanks for the words of support.
COMMUNITY LEADER
grandiose,narcissistic and doomed...sounds like my x who relapsed with cocaine and has no wish to get clean!great descriptive words!Has ur boyfriend ever tried Campral?Really kills the craving for alcohol...but he has to have the desire to stop.And he just has to do it!Not tellin u anything u don't already know but that is it plain and simple.AA has a saying and i've seen it 2 b true...there are those who are constituionally incapable of getting sober.....they just can't seem to get up the UUMPH to really do it.Slips just don't descend upon one..he just chooses to drink....it is always a choice for us.And the repeated withdrawals won't damage him...but the continued alcohol use will damage his liver and pancreas beyond repair.If u decided to marry him ur really in it for the LONG haul or forever how long he has to live with this!You're not helpless dear.....u can help urself thru Al-Anon but the demon alcohol he has to conquer by himself......with the support of AA, his sponsor and u!
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