Why do I miss my alcoholic husband?

I've never written in one of these forums before so bare with me. I am going through a really confusing time right now. I've been with my husband for almost 14 years married 11 and we have 3 daughters together. He is a severe alcoholic, completely non functioning and always has been. I left my home with my kids 4 days ago, I just couldnt take care of him or handle the verbal abuse anymore it was killing me and my kids. I love him dearly and I want him sober. He's been in out patient rehab twice in the last 2 years and i cant count the hospital trips. Any way he goes to inpatient finally in 3 days and I already miss him. Everyone says take it one day at a time and take care of me. I have been with him since I was 17, my whole adult life has been living like this and I don't know any different. I am so confused. No one wants me with him and I have support from both sides of our families. I have to carry the load of everyones anger and stress of this and my own and be strong for my kids. So really how do you take care of yourself when your such a mess and totally lost? I don't know how much longer I can do this strong women thing? I'm not sure who this girl is. Any comment or advice I'm sure will help. Thank you.

[gizzy32]

As you stated, you left home 4 days ago because you just couldn't take care of him and could not handle the verbal abuse as it was killing yourself and your kids. I agree with what others have told you and take care of yourself and your kids right now. You can't live like that nor deserve to until he gets clean and you can mend what is broken if that is possible. Im so sorry your going through this. Im gonna send you a link that might help.

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/

[kim715]

You miss him because you obviously love him.You've been with him since you were 17,as dysfunctional as a relationship it seems to have been because of his drinking,it's the relationship you have lived daily for years.It's normal to miss him,but don't let that fool  you into thinking you miss the things he was doing and how it was affecting you and your children.You're doing the right thing,hon.You need to look out for you and for your little ones.You're husband needs to fix whats wrong.You can love him and support him,but you can't enable him or condone his behavior,for the sake of you and your children.He has to do this.This is his fight.You can encourage and support him in his recovery,but he has to do the work.Every time you have a weak moment,hold your babies tight,know that you have to do what you have to do in order to protect them and give them the life that they deserve.It's times like this that make us realize just how strong we really are.Keep posting hon.I'll keep your family in my prayers.Hang in there.You can do this.All the best....Kim

[bluespence]

I have been where you are...my ex husband was not an alcoholic, but we had other issues. We had been together over 20 years, married for 10. We started dating when we were both 15, so we grew up together. We have two children together too. Anyway, our relationship was very dysfunctional, he was a work-a-holic, never home and when he was home he was still working and completely unavailable. He was also not nice to me all the time, he lied to me all the time..things just were not good. I finally divorced him and it was very hard because I didn't know who I was w/o him. My entire identity was wrapped up in him. When I left I cried all the time and I missed him and everytime I would see families out I would get sad. But what I figured out was I wasn't missing him or the "reality" of the situation, I was missing the "fantasy" of what I had hoped it would be. It is easy to forget the bad things when you are lonely and vulnerable...but people and situations don't change that quickly. But you know what, we have been divorced for three years and this past April we started talking again and trying to work on things. We are taking it very slow and the girls don't know because we won't tell them unless we are definite we are going to get back together. But the three years apart really allowed both of us to grow in ways we never would have if we had stayed together. Our communication is better and we are now individuals instead of one big meshed blob of craziness. Don't get me wrong, things are far from perfect but there is so much more respect for each other and care and concern. So for you, it is so important for you to figure out who you are as an individual. Use this time to focus on you and your kids. Since there has been alcoholism in your family for so long ALL of you need counseling or at least go to Al-anon. Your husband needs to focus on himself right now and you really need to allow him that time and you also need to focus on you...so please take this time and use it wisely. If you do I promise you will end up being a better mom, wife and most importantly a better individual person! Good luck, please keep us posted!

[Rileysmama]

Thank you so much for your comments and encouragement. I'm trying to keep it together, but yesterday I finally talked to some friends, who all new of the situation in my home life and wouldn't say anything to me. But they all had there two cents to put in. They insisted on taking me out last night and they all acted like it was a celebration or something. I didn't really like there excitement about this. I don't share there joy at this time. It makes me want to shut them out, just so I don't have to defend him or my actions, when I don't want to have to do that. They thought that a girls night out would help, but I feel worse today. I hate being the downer. This is all so hard, I don't know how people do this.

[kim715]

Honey,it's hard for people who haven't walked in your shoes to understand.I'm sure you're friends meant well.They care about you and it's hard to see you hurting.Most things in life are easier said then done,and they don't have the same emotional attachment to your husband as you do.It's just easier to judge when you're standing outside the circle.You're hearts invested in your husband and your family,so they're not looking at things from the same point of view.I'm sure they just love you and want to see you and your children happy.You're not a downer,hon.You're going through a rough time,and although it's important to keep a brave face ion front of your children,you don't have to do that here and you don't have to do that in front of your friends.Talk to them about how you're feeling.They won't be able to fully understand,because they're not in your shoes,but if they are truly your friends,they'll listen to what you're saying and just try to be there for you.

Gizzy gave you the link for al anon.I really think you would benefit from that.Keep posting.It's not an easy time for you,but you're doing what you need to do.Hang in there hon........Peace....Kim

[letitgoaway]

I can totally understand what you say. My husband hasn't worked for 2 years. He has late stage liver disease now and continues to drink. I finally moved out, but I can't stop missing him. I don't know what is wrong with me. Why should I keep giving when all he does is take from us. Addiction is selfish. My friends try to keep my upbeat, but I know they hate being around me because my life is so pathetic. I am so used to being the help, and now I need it, but not what they are giving. I am trying to get into sewing and do collages and anything to give myself an outlet with a product as an end result. I am so sick of the verbal and emotional abuse, but I love him so much. I keep hoping it will make sense to him. I am so guilty- I can't just leave him emotionally. Why do I continue to look at him as a person who can make it. He has been in and out of treatment, jail, and continues to be out of bounds. When will we have enough? I keep thinking when he dies I will be free. I don't know what to do in the meantime.

[Rileysmama]

I know what you mean. When will I learn? I have had that feeling that if he died I'd be free and even that makes me sick because how could I even think that. Even now I want to see him and when I do, he gives me those puppy dog eyes of I'm sorry. He's been sober for almost a week and I can see the man I fell in love with right now, but I know if he doesn't get help it will be the same thing again in a few weeks. He's suppose to go to rehab tomorrow and now the place is saying there's problems. I can't catch a break. I want to go home and I can't til he gets into inpatient rehab. I can't carry the load of his parents emotions. They treat me almost like I'm not capable of taking care of my kids or myself alone and that's really all I've done for 10 years. I'm losing my mind. I miss him so much. I'm so pathetic. It ***** to say I'm glad to here that other people are going through the same thing, but it is kind of a relief that it's not just me.

[worried878]

i think it is normal that u miss him...my daughters husband left her recently and he verbally abused her to where now she has no self esteem...and she misses him...i think u miss a headache if u had it long enough,,not to be joking but it is true...we can miss negative parts of our lives cos it is a habit/a daily routine theat is now gone

she told me yesterday "I can not do this" meaning get along without him..she has a 9 year old and a good job/rich dad/ so she doesnt really need him..but she thinks she does......i told her what coice does she have?  she can either "do this" or not "do this" and the second alternative is not a choice...being strong is not really sumpin we are born with..life teaches us how to be strong cos we have to live thru things.....most people would not choose the alternative as it is grim....so u will live thru this and a while from now u will look back and think "I was strong, I did this, and now I am so much better off"  good luck to u..things get better..there are support groups out there for u as well if u need them

[Marymoe36]

I am going through the same thing right now. Sunday I dropped my man off after over three years of being like we were married for his alcoholism. One thing you have over me is yours is at least trying to stop. Mine won't even try. He has been drinking mildly for twenty five years, heavily for two. I miss him so terribly bad and my heart is just breaking. I am having panic attacks even while I am asleep. It is terrible. Sometimes tough love is all we can give them. I agree that going out and having a good time with friends does not help me. I sit alone going crazy on an emotional roller coaster. This will get better, just be strong and do not back down now. You had enough courage to leave so be glad you have them. Some women are not as strong. We may miss them but we know a lifetime of alcoholism is worse. You can get through this. This site and the caring people do help me greatly as I am having some really low moments.

[carolbee]

You deserve a big bear hug!   I have a couple of words for you Al anon.  and co- dependency.  Look into it.  You obviously love him- not in the past, but in the present tence.    Just like drugs, there is a void.  And I imagine no one has let you know its o.k.  But you have made a very heartbreaking and brave decision and if he wants (wanted) to keep you, he'll stop.  If he doesn't or won't it's his choice.  But you need support, and you need to take care of you and your children.  And he needs to grow up and put on his big boy pants, and if not, don't change his diaper anymore.  Co-dependency can drive you to your own (not healthy) coping mechanisms.  A word to the wise, co-dependents can also enable.  And sabotage anothers recovery without bieng aware of it.  Stay online. There are free counselors out there, your Health dept can direct you.  or google N/A+your city,your state.  Save the party for later. and take care of you.

[Rileysmama]

Al-anon isn't for me. I've been and I just didn't relate to it very much. I need to talk with people of different stages of this type of problem. (Like Evolution) People in Al-anon all seem to have healed and aren't saying much about how they got there. I feel like my story was once familar to them and they look at me like there glad to have those years behind them. I just haven't connected with anyone at those meeting before. I'm not saying I won't ever go again, but right now I need more one on one or group discussions. I'm really not ready to be around anyone right now. Thank you for all your stories and kind words.

[mtgoat911]

how many meetings did you goto?
did you read courage to change?
i am a recoevring addict, but i was in a situation my first year clean
my husband was on pain meds.
he was not ready to quit
i went to narcanon, and i too......hated the meetings, some of the people there told me i belonged back in na with my kind, when i introduced myself as an addict and married to an addict
but one lady took the time to listen to my pain, and actually helped me get through the stress of joining a new community
maybe you can give it another shot, get to know people a little better, people do not always like to talk about the bad stuff until they know you a little better
allow the alonon crew a chance
you are always welcome here
xo

[Rileysmama]

I'd like to thank everyone for your advice. I'll consider trying alonon again. I've been enrolled in some classes to help through my husbands rehab. We'll see how that goes. I'm just taking it one day at a time and hoping for the best.

[genie_2116]

OK.  This is my first post and today is day 4, week 1 of my husband in an impatient rehab 1200 miles away from home.  I have a 10 year old and I am a wreck.  I never thought I would be since this is what I wanted but the therapist thinks it is too soon for me to see him this first/second weekend in the facility.  But my husband wanted me to see him every week while he was there.  So like an idiot, I bought $1000 of plane tickets and hotel accommodate rearranging my life to be there.  Now the docs at rehab think it is a bad idea.  Why didn't they say anything in the beginning or was I tricked by the same person who has lied to me for a very long time.  I am angry, sad, mad and depressed.  But like many others, I miss him and I am starting to hate myself for it.  And he has been an absolute torture for a good part of our marriage.  But I love him, Why???.  What upsets me more is that I am here, having to take care of it all and keep it together while he focuses on himself.  Then after he is done, he walks right in with no physical consequences.  No loss of income, domicile, food, people, nothing.  But I have to keep it together and he reeps all the benefit of my insanity and hard work.  Nothing new.

Throughout the last couple of years, he has been able to take time off from work, from home from everything with no success.  But during all of that, someone still has to keep the unit together, and that has been me.  I have put myself first, most times and I have succeeded in my career.  I have picked up hobbies and activities that bring me joy and I have been able to do what I want, for the most part.  I moved up the ladder to become a dept mgr at a major law firm and I can support myself, no questions asked.  He is unemployed, laid off after 9 years at the same law firm (the place I got him a job).  Heck, he is in a 5 start rehab, living it up with my insurance.  So when will it be my turn to turn everything off and focus on me.  I hear everyone's comments about taking this time to remove the dependency, etc. but how.  How does one do that?  Everyday has been worse, not better and with everyday I cry more.  I am angry at myself for being this stupid and putting myself out there who has a serious issue.  I don't have an addictive personality.  I don't have As in my past life.  I had good parents and a very good upbringing.  And the last couple of years, I am being punished.  First, both my parents die, my sister moves 1000 miles away and now my husband has cracked and is in rehab.  I don't have anyone to talk to or be there for me.  If it wasn't for my little man, I don't know if I would get up out of bed.  But I do.  I take deep breaths and I continue with my day.  

I will say this.  The stories here are very encouraging and I have hope that this place will help him.  I have heard good things about it on the internet.  So I have some hope that the next 15 years will be better than the first.  I will not stay with him another minute if he doesn't sober up.  I can't.  That is where I am putting myself first.  But I can't shake this missing him business.  I don't want to take care of him.  But I want to make sure his is OK and getting better, I guess to see what the future may be.

[ibizan]

well u have a lotta years invested with this man.....sounds like u have given nurtured supported cajoled......what have u gotten in return?i think ppl stay in toxic relationships for the known is predictable.....and u hope that this person will turn around with your love and support.......but what a cool world this would be if humans reacted that way!but they don't for the most part!this man has a lot of work to do on himself......if he's willing to do it.......doesn't sound tho like ur getting much for ur investment so in time u'll need to consider  cashing in ur chips moving on and making a healthy drama free less stressful life for u and ur child!

[meyan]

Both my husband and myself are alcohol/drug addicts. I've tried to leave him twice, the first time I had the moving van full and he managed to talk me out of it, the second time I left for 3 months been back for 8 years. What a idiot I am to keep staying in an abusive situation. Change is hard. When I was on my own, I kept in touch with my husband so much during that time, and I couldn't find a support group that I clicked with. Now I can see what I do wrong. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to go through, but I need to leave again, and I wish I could just die instead. I'm afraid.

[taharnix]

I want you to know how much I understand what you're going through.  I have my own sad story but, as there are so many others and it's more of the same, I'll spare you that.

You seem to want to know how to get past this and be "okay" so I'll give you the steps I've taken.  It's been 9 months for me and I still have my days when I feel lonely and miss him, what I miss I have no idea because he made my life miserable and lonely for so long, but I do miss him.  But, what I have come to realize, at least in myself, is my "addiction" to him.  Pure and simple, it's like we become addicted to the addict and have to go through much of the same steps to recover.  They occupy our whole lives and minds, just like the alcohol occupies theirs.  Just as alcohol is unhealthy to them, our toxic relationships with them are unhealthy for us.  I try to remind myself of this every time I "miss him."  I think the hardest part for me is holding out a hope that he will get better, somehow be the person I remember.  I then also try to remind myself that, even if he does get better, I will spend the rest of your life with someone who could relapse at any time.  I also try to remind myself, HONESTLY, that he has betrayed and devastated me to such a degree that I could never trust him again.  No matter how much I want to believe I love him and could work through it, deep in my heart I know I never could again.  

The hardest part of all of this, for me, is that feeling that it's just not fair, just as you feel.  It's so hard to get past the anger that it makes me feel.  When I really think about it, though, it's more hurt that I feel - and that hurt is so deep that I have to replace it with anger to deal with it.  

As for what I have done, I have read a lot of web sites as you have.  At first it just made me more angry and sad to know that so many people were going through this, but that is fading now.  One thing that I have done that has helped me more than anything was learning to meditate.  There are lots of good books on the subject and many web sites.  Meditation helps you to clear your mind and not focus on your hurt.  It's hard at first and takes so much effort, but with time and practice you will learn to do just that.  Over a period of time that hurt and anger begins to be replaced with calm a peace of mind and spirit that we with co-dependency so lack.  Not that you don't still have bad days, but they get further and further apart and in time I know I will come to peace with all of this.

Another suggestion, get some exercise.  The endorphins released by the brain act as natural mood stabilizers.  I notice it when I don't exercise for a few days because I start having a harder time dealing with all of this.  Pick something that you have always wanted to do and't then do it.  For me, I picked piano lessons.  I plan on learning another language soon.  

I wish I had some magic words to say but I don't.  But don't give up and don't go back if you're sure you can't handle it.  Addiction is such a terrible disease and it destroys all that comes in it's path.  It is true, they won't change if you're there to pick them up over and over - and it will absolutely destroy you in the process.  I hate to say it, but there is just no easy way out.  Just like the alcoholics 12 steps, one day at a time for us as well.  It's so true.

I really wish you the best and peace in your heart!

[taharnix]

This is for all posting on this board as well.  I made the decision to leave 9 months ago after much drama and pain, sometimes wondered if I made the right decision.  Now I'm so glad I did because my life has been truly changing for the better  I read the following on a board a bit back.  Something in it really touched my heart and made me understand addiction and our love for the addict more than anything else I ever read.  It was a real turning point for me when I read it, maybe it could help you as well.  


“In my life when I have lessons that I have to learn, big or small - rarely do I take advice from others. I almost always have to get burned and experience that pain myself before I make a change in my life. I get annoyed when someone thinks that they can tell me the "right way" I am supposed to do things. I get aggravated and I usually see that person as preaching.

This is how we appear to the addicts in our lives. We can't keep punishing them, it accomplishes nothing. We have to get out. That's it. We have to let go. We have to be strong. We have to live our own lives. I often think about how I continue to make loving choices in my life, to be kind, thoughtful, enthusiastic, and tap into joy, love, patience, health, peace. I really try hard at this. So why am I getting dumped on by my alcoholic/drug addicted husband?

You know why? Because I keep sticking around and letting this situation bring out the worst in me. I yell at my husband, I tell him over and over again about the mess that he has made. I blame. I pull away, and then beg for closeness. I am a ping pong ball all over the place and his addiction is the paddle. It pushes all of my buttons, it ruins my usually peaceful disposition, it drains me, and it's going to waste more and more of my life.

Getting out is right. Staying is wrong. It's not for lack of love. It's because we can't fix these broken souls, their addiction is not our fault, and it is not selfish if you make the choice to distance yourself from it. Love them from a far. If you have to have them in your life in order to feel whole, then there is something selfish going on inside of you. There is nothing wrong with loving them from a far.”

[allmymarbles]

If you stay away from him long enough, you may meet someone else to love. He is not the only man in the universe.

[ibizan]

we women have a bad habit...we fall in love with a mans potential..and i've seen good  men do the same with bad women!we overlook some very obvious problems with them and focus on what they could be...and foolishly think that if we love and support them enuf they'll want to change for the relationship!sometimes this can happen but in many instances it doesn't....and the receiving party continues to take a lot of manure and gets no love or support in return!many women stay out of financial reasons or for kids....its been 3 years since i broke up with a man i loved so much...relapsed cocaine addict.he turned in2 a raging beast from hell..and he thought i would take it for i'd been alone for 10 years and really loved him.I love the peace/quiet i have in my life and not having to listen to his attempts to verbally abuse me!i came close to physically trying to knock him out but stopped myself!there is no price one can put on the peace and sanity by removing an alcoholic/addict from ur life who has no desire to change!i can only be responsible for my own recovery and staying sober/clean!I create my own happiness in life!unwise to rely on another to do that for u!my animals help:)

[Rileysmama]

It's been a about 8 months since I started talking on this forum, and he's been home from his in patient and been back to detox about a hand full of times already. He'll go a couple months between relapses and when he does they're getting shorter. He says he's really trying and I want to believe him, but does that mean I'm enabling him. I love him to much to leave. I have a decent job and home and I'm a full time student. To pick up and leave now, seems to only make my life more difficult. Am I being selfish? How long do I keep on doing this? He's a good man, his drinking is just sad and makes him pathetic.

[ibizan]

how old r ur children?are they in the home and a witness to his drunken behavior?how does this affect them?

[ibizan]

i have more questions-who is paying for all of this mans detoxes?does he work and help u with the children or r u supporting him?doesn't all this turmoil have a negative affect on ur grades for school?why is it YOU think ur selfish when u have stood by one with all this drinking all the detoxes and no recovery..yet?u ask how long will this go on?for as long as u allow it too!great quote from Eleanor Roosevelt...no one takes advantage of u without ur consent!

[Rileysmama]

My kids are in the home (10,8, and 3), my oldest seems to be the one most effected by this. She gets just as pissed at him as I do. I do worry about her. He pays for his own rehab and stuff. He holds his own with work, he makes more than I do, NOW. He helps with the kids and he's actually a nice guy. I'm just really worried about the drinking and if it will ever STOP. Do I have to leave in order for him to quit?

[ibizan]

there is no guarantee he will stop drinking if u leave...or stay...he has got to want this for himself!The longer u put up with this the higher the probability that someday your daughters may hook up with a man like him....thinking that this is the way life is with a man....what does ur 8 yr.old think?how is the 3 yr.olds behavior?does he self pay for the detoxes?i would be suprised at an insurance that would constantly pay for this...it is xpensive!

[dominosarah]

Have you thought about attending Al-anon?  You really need to take care of yourself right now.  Nothing you can do or say will make him stop drinking.  Addiction affects the whole family and we all become sick in the process.  You can get off this roller coaster ride you are on.  Please check into some help for you and your babies.  Children see alot more than we think they do.  I know you are afraid of leaving him and worry about being alone but you can be alot less lonely living by yourself than living like this.  Please keep us posted.......I wish you all the best             sara

[Tink70]

One word:  CO DEPENDENCY!  Look it up, study it - it should shed some light on why you miss your alcoholic husband.
Take Care
Tink

[Livndadrem]

I too suffered through years with an abusive alcoholic husband.  I finally kicked him out with the help of the police.  That was eight months ago, and at the time I was distraught - but I had also done a lot of the hard work before hand, preparing myself for the day when I would finally have the strength to do what had to be done.  I got that strength by looking at my little boy, and thinking about what kind of life I wanted for him as he grows up, and what attitude to women and to relationships I want him to have.

It has been very hard, and it got worse for a bit after he left, but I'm now coming through the other side and things are getting better and easier.  Although it's only been eight months since he left, it was at least six months earlier that I started realising he really had to go.  He has since done rehab, and says he's now sober, and has changed.  I want to believe that, but I no longer look at him with rose tinted glasses.  If someone has treated you appallingly (and believe me, he did treat me appallingly) then you are better off without.  I stayed with him for a long time, I did everything I could to help him, but now that I have made the break, I will not go back - he blew his chance.  He destroyed my trust in him, and I can't live with someone I can't trust.

If you are in that type of toxic relationship, you really need to make some hard choices, and draw yourself some lines in the sand.  If they can't or won't change, then you have to get out, for your sake and for the sake of your kids.  By all means do what you can to help - and it seems you both have done.  But there comes a time when you can no longer help, and when you realise you don't like the person you are becoming either - nagging, complaining, yelling, fighting.  That's when you know you have to get out.

Good luck, and remember that being "strong" is a bit of a crock - you just do what you have to do, and survive what you have to survive.  It's only later that you will realise how much strength it takes to get through some of this stuff, and how much strength you have.

[ibizan]

Thank You for posting a response which i so agree with...and for showing your son a healthier lifestyle.There is no price on sanity and peace that only we can give ourselves.

[therese83]

You can miss someone and they can still be wrong for you.

Living with someone who is emotionally abusive also takes away your self esteem and you can cling to that person.

It is very hard

[ibizan]

U r so right in your statements!We can love how it was in the beginning and miss it.....and cling to the potential of what one can be...but have to painfully accept the reality of what is!i am 26 years sober/clean.....fell in love 3 years ago with a man 3 years clean from cocaine......he relapsed and had no desire to recover....he thought i would put up with his BS/verbal/mental abuse for he knew how much i loved him......he found out how wrong that demented thinking was!Recovery has taught me to love myself and safeguard my sanity MORE than anything..for if i lose this i lose it all!

[prohelp]

I have never psoted before. My alcoholic husband died 14 years ago. I went through everything that's been discussed. But still I loved him. I still love him, or I loved what we had during our romantic period and what I fantasized our life would be. Although he was out of control, I didn't think he would die. It happened suddenly. Or maybe it wasn't sudden since he had been drinking for years. I still miss him. It still hurts.

[johnskie]

It's highly unlikely that leaving him will make him stop drinking. I know in dream land you think that leaving him will make him realize what he's lost and coming crawling back to you on sober knees... But that's not going to happen. He'll probably just drink twice as much and end up destroying even more of his life.

But that's not on you. Just do what you want, that's all life is.

[ibizan]

the self absorption of an alcoholic or addict actively using is infinite and all consuming.No one elses feelings matter but theirs......pour me pour me pour me another drink and i need another fix of whatever!sigh!

[christmas66]

I am a man.  I left my alcoholic wife.  I miss her as much as anyone has posted.  A very wounded person, with loads of loving thoughts and sometimes actions.  A horrendous drunk.  Having come to terms with that, the questions were, how long can I keep going when she is in denial?  How long can I keep on making excuses for the abuse?  how long should I stay?  'til september? maybe another year.  2 years?  Will I be asking myself the same questions in 5 years?

I fell in love with her, and what we could be and what she could be if she made the effort, for me, for her, for us.  There is always the promise; 'Yes, we can live what we always talk about'.  There is always the question 'what if? It could be this time'.  But of course, those are just fantasies.  I realise that now although for the longest, loneliest time of cruelties, I didn't.

Somehow, in the effort to be heard by someone who is deaf to all but their next fix, we empathize, build rapport and take on part of the addiction.  We become addicted to the anxiety, the drama and the almost true promise.  Co-dependency no more is a good book, worth a read.

Survival.  It's hard at first.  We do what we have to.  We do the thing we're scared ****less of and find the courage after.  We do the stuff we have to and find the strength after.  Under the sea, submerged in our grief, anger, and all the other emotions of betrayal and bereavement we just keep on.  

It's not my fault.  I didn't cause the addiction. It's not my responsibility.  And I can't cure it.  

The other thing to watch out for is the children involved.   The incidence of children becoming like their alcoholic parent is very high.  

Still love her.  Still miss the person she is, under all that other stuff.  Still grieve for the terrible waste of someone who is fantastic, but for the alcoholism.  But actions speak louder than words.  

[ibizan]

A incredibly evocative post...i can feel your loss.Had to leave a relapsed addict four years ago that i tried to help.....he didn't want it nor was he willing to work for his own recovery.I know he is in pain for his 36 year old son died 5-17 of a heroin overdose.I hope you are going to Al-Anon and have a lot of support!

[christmas66]

Hi Ibizan

Thanks for your advice and your compliment.  I am very sorry to hear of your history.  That must have been awfully hard for you.  I hope your life is better for you now.

Yes, I did go to al-anon but stopped after it appeared that the detox had worked and she had stopped drinking.  But. No.  You guessed it.  No.  Back on the booze within three months (that I know of - now I suspect it was much earlier than that).  Now I feel embarrassed to go back there, although I might go back if things become too difficult for me.

I have been here before however. My last girlfriend (of 15 years) was a 'functioning' alcoholic and excellent at controlling / manipulating.  By the time I left I had become a little boy (that was as awful as this).  History has a way of recurring until we learn what it is we are actually doing and repeating.  I now know that I am repeating a pattern instilled in me by my alcoholic parents.  Father - drunk and simply.  Mother, drunk and very controlling.  I wish I could say something in latin like 'the facts speak for themselves'. I guess ipso facto? or ex post facto?

Now I have to learn to pick a partner who isn't controlling or has an activated co-dependency complex.  And, more importantly, I have to learn to NOT activate a co-dependency complex in her or me.  That may be very difficult to change in myself.  I don' know how to do that and am reading everything I can lay my hands on.  In anycase, it's way too early for me at this time.

Anyway, I know there is life after living with an alcoholic (even if it's by myself it's better than before). On an emotional level it was extremely hard to initiate the break and maintain it.  Then there's the financial side of things and so on.  And I know my situation isn't nearly as bad as many of the posters here and on other sites.  Nevertheless, there is life after being in a relationship with an alcoholic. Let's face it, most people posting here are carers.  We've been caring and parenting our alcoholics for years.  The plus side to this attribute is that we can give all that love and caring to ourselves when we leave.  And if it's difficult at first, we can learn to.  That's what I think.  

Thanks again to you and to all the other posters here.  To quote Robin Williams - carpe deum (I hope I spelt that correctly).  

[lostinmyownmind2010]

God I am so glad I found this site, I have been involved with a man for 5 yrs. The first 3 yrs were Great, he drank but i didnt think it was an issue. Until Now, About Two weeks ago just out of the blue everything turned upside down. He made me feel life was not worth living and that with everything going good in this life he was unhappy and he didnt have those butterfly feelings anmore. ( this after 5 yrs i remind you ) . He said the most hurtful things like i don't know why i am unhappy: Maybe I need a strange piece of A - - , or a B- - - J- - ! and other sexually related remarks that just ripped my heart out! He siad that he may be crazy or just plain stupid but i felt as if he needs to go on a couple of dates and see if that is the happeniess that he has been lacking.  I just dont understand how people who drink can be so heartless and they can switich their emotions like a light switich, one minute they love you and the next be so cold and mean!  Can someone please tell me if they go threw the same things? Do they even care or is it all just a front? or do they push us away to see if we really care and come back? I am just so confused !!! Please Help

[ibizan]

Well u have seen my posts here and my dayjob is substance abuse counselor for past 25 years.I've been in recovery for 26 years.Alcoholics and drug addicts when active in their addiction are completely absorbed in2 themselves and their habit.No one elses feelings matter.......no one else at all!And when u r in a relationship with one the same applies as u have described here!Mine foolishly thought that because i was by myself for 10 years and loved him enought that I would tolerate his substance abuse,emotional abuse and verbal abuse.He received a rude awakening and it really took me too long  to rid myself of him after giving him so many chances to make changes.And for that I was responsible...I hung in there with him for too long.....a year was too long!Eleanor Roosevelt is famous for saying No one takes advantage of u withour ur consent!This man must wake up and smell the coffee for himself....and deeply apologize to you for u deserve it.But don't hold ur breath and wait for this.No one deserves what u describe u r going thru!You must move 4ward and take charge of ur own life and learn to create ur own happiness!!!!

[dominosarah]

Until you take control back of your life this sort of thing will keep happening.  You have to find your own happiness and not rely on someone else to do that for you.  During my active using years i was married and divorced 3 times as my first love was the bottle and i did whatever i needed to do to feed my addiction.  Please get into Alanon or some sort of therapy.  Our family members are the ones who get the brunt end of our addiction.  It isnt just the addict who is sick.  You dont have to live like this anymore and until you realize that you dont deserve it this wont end.  You are a good person, now do something so you know that.          sara

[ibizan]

As i have traveled thru relationships in life.....hindsight is a great teacher...i think we see the good in ppl...in our partners.....and hope it lasts.Then the ugliness of an addiction rears its head and the bearer must slay it by the recovery process.If they don't..and we stay with these men or women we focus on their potential...what they could be and rationalize/deny what they are doing b4 our eyes!We keep hoping that person we fell in love with will come back that they will see what a dynamic duo u and they could be together...and cling to the memory of good times.There comes a time when i had to accept this was not going to happen....and i did...and moved on...painfully so...and grew 7 more feet in the process!

[Amylizzy]

I have been with my husband for 4 years married for 1. He has been an alcoholic for longer. We have no children which I am so depressed about. He has been in and out of rehab twice in the last 10 months. He lost his job which made him go in the first time. Came out and started drinking within 3 days. COMPLETELY denying he was drinking. Blamed my mother for catching him out then accusing me of not believing him. I organized to get him back into rehab myself. He was in rehab for a month this time even spending his 40th birthday in there. Came out and was what appeared to be sober for 7 months. He got another job and we started to try for a family. During his sober months I began to realize he continued to lie about anything and everything without ANY insight of the impact that had on others and our relationship. He refused to go to AA he stopped taking his medication without telling me as he said he didn't want the reaction from me and there was absolutely NO remorse or insight into the mess he had created with me. He just simply told me " you just have to believe me". Whenever we had discussions they would end up an argument or fight. With the ending being me in such a depressive hole and him telling me it was my fault, that I was the one who had the problem and why couldn't I just move on. We recently went away to Fiji for a holiday. He told me 3 days before we left that he had been drinking. But only after I caught him behaving like he had been drinking. He denied it straight to my face and even swore on his own mothers grave he hadn't been drinking. But he justified it by
saying it was only one or two beers and that it
was hard for him to see others drinking around
him. YET again I found myself vomitting in the toilet while he sat behind me not doing anything then walked away. All he wanted to do was move on from it and that it was just a " slip up and that he is human so what did I expect". The day we were leaving he "lost" his passport and accused me of taking it. He went to the police and filed a complaint that I stole it. I was Sooo frightened and on the floor in tears with bruised arms from the day before and he STILL would not look, touch or even show ANYTHING towards me in that level of despair. I was told to get on a plane and that he will be staying in Fiji to gain a new passport. I had to get on a plane by myself knowing what was going on with him. He did NOT care. When he gothome 2 days later he told me he found his passport in his bag and that I must have put it in there because he doesn't remember. I flew home on valentines day by myself! Since he got home he has only said sorry for what has happened. He doesn't understand he has done irreversible damage to me and that's what he should be sorry about.
Sorry this has been a novel but I am so hurt and so completely lost as this has only been in the last week it happened. I moved out before he got home and staying with my mother. I go back and forth back and forth inside my head. I'm 27 years old and Soo desperatly want a family of my own. But am so depressed I can't see any future that will give me that. I feel like I'm alone and can't see light. I just pray for any relief ANYTHING at all.

[ibizan]

Yeegads my dear!get to Al-Anon and stop wishing for a life w/this man that will never be....u cannot make him want to get better and it appears as if he is comfortable in his own insanity. U r young.......there is someone out there 4 u that will give u better treatment but not until u stop allowing this man to use u as his whipping post for he cannot take responsiiblity for his own problems!

[sundance500]

I left my alcoholic abusive husband three and a half years ago. For 12 months before that, we had slept in seperate rooms, as he came home from the pub and went straight to bed with the dog. I loved him so much, I convinced myself that I could change him. We had been married for nearly 10 years. Because of different working hours, I didn't know that alcohol was a problem for a few years. But the last couple of years he had become very aggresive (aggressive) and abusive to me and especially to my 2 teenaged sons  He was completely in denial about his drinking problems. He made our lives hell, but I was so convinced that I could change him if he really loved me. I was so wrong. He said he loved me and didn't want to lose me, but he couldn't give up the beer. I was devastated. I thought he loved me as much as I loved him. So I made a very difficult descision and moved out with my sons, and we stayed at my daughter's for a while. I still hoped that he would come to his senses and give up the beer and ask me to go back. But three and a half years later, he has given up asking me to go back. Because he won't do anything about the drinking.
Why do I still get days like this, when I miss him so much and can't stop crying? I must be stupid, it only takes a song to trigger it off. I feel I have lost so much. He is such a lovely person when he is not drinking. I'm missing all the things we were going to do together. Even though he had the house re-possessed, the car confiscated and crushed by the police, (for drink driving for the third time) and the dog taken back, all after I left. Why do I feel so lost and hurt. I want to get him out of my system and get on with my life. I'm 63 and don't want to waste the rest of my life. Please can someone tell me. Does it get better?

[fishbill]

WOW!   It is amazing to me how you feel so alone when going through this but there are so many of us out there.......I left my husband 7 months ago because of his selfish drinking and lies he continues to tell us.   We have two sweet little boys together age 3 and 6 who love thier Daddy so much.   lMy husband is not only and alcoholic he is a work aholic and has little to no time for us.  His family is filled with alcoholics and they see me leaving as my problem and not his.....   I want so badly for our boys to have a home with Mom and Dad together that I keep believing his lies and he just continues to hurt me.   I lately feel like a zombie going through the motions of life.....I have been distant from friends, family and from God.   I try to convince myself to go back but I know what is best for me kids is NOT TO.    One day at a time.  thank you all for sharing your hearts....it has helped me tremendously

[ibizan]

U 2 are very courageous ladies!U thought of ur children and urselves to have a healthier life......why do u miss them sometimes?for u invested so much of urselves in2 the relationship and u saw glimmers of their potential.....but a relationship is much more work than the other half showing an occasional spurt of energy!When we miss these men it is remembering the good times and what could be...then we snap that invisible band of rubber round our heads and get back to the reality of what it really was!More pain and struggle than 4 ward movement...and 4 ward movement is much better 4 us in the long run!

[senora165]

I agree so strongly with bluespence Jan 07, 2009. I have just ended a 21 year marriage because I just couldn't take the verbal and emotional abusive anymore. We have two disabled children that I have been the only parent to because he was always overwhelmed about everything and couldn't cope so he used that as an excuse to drink and or drug. I am so depressed now because I still love him and I miss him. I know that I have done the right thing for me and my kids and that it will take time but my heart is broken I feel like crying everyday.

[Barrie0309]

I am married to an alcoholic who I began dating when I was 16 (I'm 38); I spent years begging for him to stop, all the while enabling his behavior.  He has been emotionally abusive throughout the relationship, has done one stint in outpatient rehab, will not seek any employment aside from a bartending position, and he has destroyed us financially.  Through it all, I have held onto the hope that things would change because of what I dreamed we would have, if only he cleaned up his act.

It took a couple of years of working on myself to get to a point where I had the courage to establish boundaries - I was forced to relocate for work after he refused while I spent two years on disability and went through our life savings - and when we moved, I told him I needed him to live on his own while he demonstrated a commitment to sobriety, because I didn't trust him.

His response?  He blindsided me with divorce papers, stating I threatened to accuse him of alcoholism if he left me and that he was scared of me!  He is seeking custody of our daughter, $1200 a month in alimony, attorney's fees, and my retirement assets (for four years of marriage).  His filing was was so hostile and full of truly outrageous lies - I was heartbroken.  I asked him point-blank why he was doing this - and he got off the phone with me and never returned my call.  He also comes from a family of drunks, all of whom act as if somehow I'm the bad guy in all of this - why, because I finally stood up for myself?

I swing from anger and fury to total despair over this and I'm having a really hard coping.  I don't know what to do.

[ibizan]

keep doing what u r doing....do u have a good lawyer?ever been to Al-Anon?counseling?who is ur support system?u have every right to be angry...but try to feel some power that u r finally ridding urself of this irresponsible parasite!

[mia909]

thanks for the reply to the ladie with the alcoholic husband of many years.
I too have the same inssue, I was missing my alcoholic fieance' of 11 yrs.
tonight its been 3 1/2 years I kicked him out , and he still hasnt put down the booze, so he cannot come home..

I offten wonder who he really is. I have finally given up waiting.
Hes committed to the bottle.
I feel sorry for him..
but when he was with us, I felt sorry for my son who use to have to put up with his unpredictable emotional pain.

Tonight I was missing him , But now I feel better since I read your comment thank you.