Why do I miss my alcoholic husband?

I've never written in one of these forums before so bare with me. I am going through a really confusing time right now. I've been with my husband for almost 14 years married 11 and we have 3 daughters together. He is a severe alcoholic, completely non functioning and always has been. I left my home with my kids 4 days ago, I just couldnt take care of him or handle the verbal abuse anymore it was killing me and my kids. I love him dearly and I want him sober. He's been in out patient rehab twice in the last 2 years and i cant count the hospital trips. Any way he goes to inpatient finally in 3 days and I already miss him. Everyone says take it one day at a time and take care of me. I have been with him since I was 17, my whole adult life has been living like this and I don't know any different. I am so confused. No one wants me with him and I have support from both sides of our families. I have to carry the load of everyones anger and stress of this and my own and be strong for my kids. So really how do you take care of yourself when your such a mess and totally lost? I don't know how much longer I can do this strong women thing? I'm not sure who this girl is. Any comment or advice I'm sure will help. Thank you.

[gizzy32]

As you stated, you left home 4 days ago because you just couldn't take care of him and could not handle the verbal abuse as it was killing yourself and your kids. I agree with what others have told you and take care of yourself and your kids right now. You can't live like that nor deserve to until he gets clean and you can mend what is broken if that is possible. Im so sorry your going through this. Im gonna send you a link that might help.

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/

[kim715]

You miss him because you obviously love him.You've been with him since you were 17,as dysfunctional as a relationship it seems to have been because of his drinking,it's the relationship you have lived daily for years.It's normal to miss him,but don't let that fool  you into thinking you miss the things he was doing and how it was affecting you and your children.You're doing the right thing,hon.You need to look out for you and for your little ones.You're husband needs to fix whats wrong.You can love him and support him,but you can't enable him or condone his behavior,for the sake of you and your children.He has to do this.This is his fight.You can encourage and support him in his recovery,but he has to do the work.Every time you have a weak moment,hold your babies tight,know that you have to do what you have to do in order to protect them and give them the life that they deserve.It's times like this that make us realize just how strong we really are.Keep posting hon.I'll keep your family in my prayers.Hang in there.You can do this.All the best....Kim

[bluespence]

I have been where you are...my ex husband was not an alcoholic, but we had other issues. We had been together over 20 years, married for 10. We started dating when we were both 15, so we grew up together. We have two children together too. Anyway, our relationship was very dysfunctional, he was a work-a-holic, never home and when he was home he was still working and completely unavailable. He was also not nice to me all the time, he lied to me all the time..things just were not good. I finally divorced him and it was very hard because I didn't know who I was w/o him. My entire identity was wrapped up in him. When I left I cried all the time and I missed him and everytime I would see families out I would get sad. But what I figured out was I wasn't missing him or the "reality" of the situation, I was missing the "fantasy" of what I had hoped it would be. It is easy to forget the bad things when you are lonely and vulnerable...but people and situations don't change that quickly. But you know what, we have been divorced for three years and this past April we started talking again and trying to work on things. We are taking it very slow and the girls don't know because we won't tell them unless we are definite we are going to get back together. But the three years apart really allowed both of us to grow in ways we never would have if we had stayed together. Our communication is better and we are now individuals instead of one big meshed blob of craziness. Don't get me wrong, things are far from perfect but there is so much more respect for each other and care and concern. So for you, it is so important for you to figure out who you are as an individual. Use this time to focus on you and your kids. Since there has been alcoholism in your family for so long ALL of you need counseling or at least go to Al-anon. Your husband needs to focus on himself right now and you really need to allow him that time and you also need to focus on you...so please take this time and use it wisely. If you do I promise you will end up being a better mom, wife and most importantly a better individual person! Good luck, please keep us posted!

[Rileysmama]

Thank you so much for your comments and encouragement. I'm trying to keep it together, but yesterday I finally talked to some friends, who all new of the situation in my home life and wouldn't say anything to me. But they all had there two cents to put in. They insisted on taking me out last night and they all acted like it was a celebration or something. I didn't really like there excitement about this. I don't share there joy at this time. It makes me want to shut them out, just so I don't have to defend him or my actions, when I don't want to have to do that. They thought that a girls night out would help, but I feel worse today. I hate being the downer. This is all so hard, I don't know how people do this.

[kim715]

Honey,it's hard for people who haven't walked in your shoes to understand.I'm sure you're friends meant well.They care about you and it's hard to see you hurting.Most things in life are easier said then done,and they don't have the same emotional attachment to your husband as you do.It's just easier to judge when you're standing outside the circle.You're hearts invested in your husband and your family,so they're not looking at things from the same point of view.I'm sure they just love you and want to see you and your children happy.You're not a downer,hon.You're going through a rough time,and although it's important to keep a brave face ion front of your children,you don't have to do that here and you don't have to do that in front of your friends.Talk to them about how you're feeling.They won't be able to fully understand,because they're not in your shoes,but if they are truly your friends,they'll listen to what you're saying and just try to be there for you.

Gizzy gave you the link for al anon.I really think you would benefit from that.Keep posting.It's not an easy time for you,but you're doing what you need to do.Hang in there hon........Peace....Kim

[letitgoaway]

I can totally understand what you say. My husband hasn't worked for 2 years. He has late stage liver disease now and continues to drink. I finally moved out, but I can't stop missing him. I don't know what is wrong with me. Why should I keep giving when all he does is take from us. Addiction is selfish. My friends try to keep my upbeat, but I know they hate being around me because my life is so pathetic. I am so used to being the help, and now I need it, but not what they are giving. I am trying to get into sewing and do collages and anything to give myself an outlet with a product as an end result. I am so sick of the verbal and emotional abuse, but I love him so much. I keep hoping it will make sense to him. I am so guilty- I can't just leave him emotionally. Why do I continue to look at him as a person who can make it. He has been in and out of treatment, jail, and continues to be out of bounds. When will we have enough? I keep thinking when he dies I will be free. I don't know what to do in the meantime.

[Rileysmama]

I know what you mean. When will I learn? I have had that feeling that if he died I'd be free and even that makes me sick because how could I even think that. Even now I want to see him and when I do, he gives me those puppy dog eyes of I'm sorry. He's been sober for almost a week and I can see the man I fell in love with right now, but I know if he doesn't get help it will be the same thing again in a few weeks. He's suppose to go to rehab tomorrow and now the place is saying there's problems. I can't catch a break. I want to go home and I can't til he gets into inpatient rehab. I can't carry the load of his parents emotions. They treat me almost like I'm not capable of taking care of my kids or myself alone and that's really all I've done for 10 years. I'm losing my mind. I miss him so much. I'm so pathetic. It ***** to say I'm glad to here that other people are going through the same thing, but it is kind of a relief that it's not just me.

[worried878]

i think it is normal that u miss him...my daughters husband left her recently and he verbally abused her to where now she has no self esteem...and she misses him...i think u miss a headache if u had it long enough,,not to be joking but it is true...we can miss negative parts of our lives cos it is a habit/a daily routine theat is now gone

she told me yesterday "I can not do this" meaning get along without him..she has a 9 year old and a good job/rich dad/ so she doesnt really need him..but she thinks she does......i told her what coice does she have?  she can either "do this" or not "do this" and the second alternative is not a choice...being strong is not really sumpin we are born with..life teaches us how to be strong cos we have to live thru things.....most people would not choose the alternative as it is grim....so u will live thru this and a while from now u will look back and think "I was strong, I did this, and now I am so much better off"  good luck to u..things get better..there are support groups out there for u as well if u need them

[Marymoe36]

I am going through the same thing right now. Sunday I dropped my man off after over three years of being like we were married for his alcoholism. One thing you have over me is yours is at least trying to stop. Mine won't even try. He has been drinking mildly for twenty five years, heavily for two. I miss him so terribly bad and my heart is just breaking. I am having panic attacks even while I am asleep. It is terrible. Sometimes tough love is all we can give them. I agree that going out and having a good time with friends does not help me. I sit alone going crazy on an emotional roller coaster. This will get better, just be strong and do not back down now. You had enough courage to leave so be glad you have them. Some women are not as strong. We may miss them but we know a lifetime of alcoholism is worse. You can get through this. This site and the caring people do help me greatly as I am having some really low moments.

[carolbee]

You deserve a big bear hug!   I have a couple of words for you Al anon.  and co- dependency.  Look into it.  You obviously love him- not in the past, but in the present tence.    Just like drugs, there is a void.  And I imagine no one has let you know its o.k.  But you have made a very heartbreaking and brave decision and if he wants (wanted) to keep you, he'll stop.  If he doesn't or won't it's his choice.  But you need support, and you need to take care of you and your children.  And he needs to grow up and put on his big boy pants, and if not, don't change his diaper anymore.  Co-dependency can drive you to your own (not healthy) coping mechanisms.  A word to the wise, co-dependents can also enable.  And sabotage anothers recovery without bieng aware of it.  Stay online. There are free counselors out there, your Health dept can direct you.  or google N/A+your city,your state.  Save the party for later. and take care of you.

[Rileysmama]

Al-anon isn't for me. I've been and I just didn't relate to it very much. I need to talk with people of different stages of this type of problem. (Like Evolution) People in Al-anon all seem to have healed and aren't saying much about how they got there. I feel like my story was once familar to them and they look at me like there glad to have those years behind them. I just haven't connected with anyone at those meeting before. I'm not saying I won't ever go again, but right now I need more one on one or group discussions. I'm really not ready to be around anyone right now. Thank you for all your stories and kind words.

[mtgoat911]

how many meetings did you goto?
did you read courage to change?
i am a recoevring addict, but i was in a situation my first year clean
my husband was on pain meds.
he was not ready to quit
i went to narcanon, and i too......hated the meetings, some of the people there told me i belonged back in na with my kind, when i introduced myself as an addict and married to an addict
but one lady took the time to listen to my pain, and actually helped me get through the stress of joining a new community
maybe you can give it another shot, get to know people a little better, people do not always like to talk about the bad stuff until they know you a little better
allow the alonon crew a chance
you are always welcome here
xo

[Rileysmama]

I'd like to thank everyone for your advice. I'll consider trying alonon again. I've been enrolled in some classes to help through my husbands rehab. We'll see how that goes. I'm just taking it one day at a time and hoping for the best.

[genie_2116]

OK.  This is my first post and today is day 4, week 1 of my husband in an impatient rehab 1200 miles away from home.  I have a 10 year old and I am a wreck.  I never thought I would be since this is what I wanted but the therapist thinks it is too soon for me to see him this first/second weekend in the facility.  But my husband wanted me to see him every week while he was there.  So like an idiot, I bought $1000 of plane tickets and hotel accommodate rearranging my life to be there.  Now the docs at rehab think it is a bad idea.  Why didn't they say anything in the beginning or was I tricked by the same person who has lied to me for a very long time.  I am angry, sad, mad and depressed.  But like many others, I miss him and I am starting to hate myself for it.  And he has been an absolute torture for a good part of our marriage.  But I love him, Why???.  What upsets me more is that I am here, having to take care of it all and keep it together while he focuses on himself.  Then after he is done, he walks right in with no physical consequences.  No loss of income, domicile, food, people, nothing.  But I have to keep it together and he reeps all the benefit of my insanity and hard work.  Nothing new.

Throughout the last couple of years, he has been able to take time off from work, from home from everything with no success.  But during all of that, someone still has to keep the unit together, and that has been me.  I have put myself first, most times and I have succeeded in my career.  I have picked up hobbies and activities that bring me joy and I have been able to do what I want, for the most part.  I moved up the ladder to become a dept mgr at a major law firm and I can support myself, no questions asked.  He is unemployed, laid off after 9 years at the same law firm (the place I got him a job).  Heck, he is in a 5 start rehab, living it up with my insurance.  So when will it be my turn to turn everything off and focus on me.  I hear everyone's comments about taking this time to remove the dependency, etc. but how.  How does one do that?  Everyday has been worse, not better and with everyday I cry more.  I am angry at myself for being this stupid and putting myself out there who has a serious issue.  I don't have an addictive personality.  I don't have As in my past life.  I had good parents and a very good upbringing.  And the last couple of years, I am being punished.  First, both my parents die, my sister moves 1000 miles away and now my husband has cracked and is in rehab.  I don't have anyone to talk to or be there for me.  If it wasn't for my little man, I don't know if I would get up out of bed.  But I do.  I take deep breaths and I continue with my day.  

I will say this.  The stories here are very encouraging and I have hope that this place will help him.  I have heard good things about it on the internet.  So I have some hope that the next 15 years will be better than the first.  I will not stay with him another minute if he doesn't sober up.  I can't.  That is where I am putting myself first.  But I can't shake this missing him business.  I don't want to take care of him.  But I want to make sure his is OK and getting better, I guess to see what the future may be.

[ibizan]

well u have a lotta years invested with this man.....sounds like u have given nurtured supported cajoled......what have u gotten in return?i think ppl stay in toxic relationships for the known is predictable.....and u hope that this person will turn around with your love and support.......but what a cool world this would be if humans reacted that way!but they don't for the most part!this man has a lot of work to do on himself......if he's willing to do it.......doesn't sound tho like ur getting much for ur investment so in time u'll need to consider  cashing in ur chips moving on and making a healthy drama free less stressful life for u and ur child!

[meyan]

Both my husband and myself are alcohol/drug addicts. I've tried to leave him twice, the first time I had the moving van full and he managed to talk me out of it, the second time I left for 3 months been back for 8 years. What a idiot I am to keep staying in an abusive situation. Change is hard. When I was on my own, I kept in touch with my husband so much during that time, and I couldn't find a support group that I clicked with. Now I can see what I do wrong. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to go through, but I need to leave again, and I wish I could just die instead. I'm afraid.

[taharnix]

I want you to know how much I understand what you're going through.  I have my own sad story but, as there are so many others and it's more of the same, I'll spare you that.

You seem to want to know how to get past this and be "okay" so I'll give you the steps I've taken.  It's been 9 months for me and I still have my days when I feel lonely and miss him, what I miss I have no idea because he made my life miserable and lonely for so long, but I do miss him.  But, what I have come to realize, at least in myself, is my "addiction" to him.  Pure and simple, it's like we become addicted to the addict and have to go through much of the same steps to recover.  They occupy our whole lives and minds, just like the alcohol occupies theirs.  Just as alcohol is unhealthy to them, our toxic relationships with them are unhealthy for us.  I try to remind myself of this every time I "miss him."  I think the hardest part for me is holding out a hope that he will get better, somehow be the person I remember.  I then also try to remind myself that, even if he does get better, I will spend the rest of your life with someone who could relapse at any time.  I also try to remind myself, HONESTLY, that he has betrayed and devastated me to such a degree that I could never trust him again.  No matter how much I want to believe I love him and could work through it, deep in my heart I know I never could again.  

The hardest part of all of this, for me, is that feeling that it's just not fair, just as you feel.  It's so hard to get past the anger that it makes me feel.  When I really think about it, though, it's more hurt that I feel - and that hurt is so deep that I have to replace it with anger to deal with it.  

As for what I have done, I have read a lot of web sites as you have.  At first it just made me more angry and sad to know that so many people were going through this, but that is fading now.  One thing that I have done that has helped me more than anything was learning to meditate.  There are lots of good books on the subject and many web sites.  Meditation helps you to clear your mind and not focus on your hurt.  It's hard at first and takes so much effort, but with time and practice you will learn to do just that.  Over a period of time that hurt and anger begins to be replaced with calm a peace of mind and spirit that we with co-dependency so lack.  Not that you don't still have bad days, but they get further and further apart and in time I know I will come to peace with all of this.

Another suggestion, get some exercise.  The endorphins released by the brain act as natural mood stabilizers.  I notice it when I don't exercise for a few days because I start having a harder time dealing with all of this.  Pick something that you have always wanted to do and't then do it.  For me, I picked piano lessons.  I plan on learning another language soon.  

I wish I had some magic words to say but I don't.  But don't give up and don't go back if you're sure you can't handle it.  Addiction is such a terrible disease and it destroys all that comes in it's path.  It is true, they won't change if you're there to pick them up over and over - and it will absolutely destroy you in the process.  I hate to say it, but there is just no easy way out.  Just like the alcoholics 12 steps, one day at a time for us as well.  It's so true.

I really wish you the best and peace in your heart!

[taharnix]

This is for all posting on this board as well.  I made the decision to leave 9 months ago after much drama and pain, sometimes wondered if I made the right decision.  Now I'm so glad I did because my life has been truly changing for the better  I read the following on a board a bit back.  Something in it really touched my heart and made me understand addiction and our love for the addict more than anything else I ever read.  It was a real turning point for me when I read it, maybe it could help you as well.  


“In my life when I have lessons that I have to learn, big or small - rarely do I take advice from others. I almost always have to get burned and experience that pain myself before I make a change in my life. I get annoyed when someone thinks that they can tell me the "right way" I am supposed to do things. I get aggravated and I usually see that person as preaching.

This is how we appear to the addicts in our lives. We can't keep punishing them, it accomplishes nothing. We have to get out. That's it. We have to let go. We have to be strong. We have to live our own lives. I often think about how I continue to make loving choices in my life, to be kind, thoughtful, enthusiastic, and tap into joy, love, patience, health, peace. I really try hard at this. So why am I getting dumped on by my alcoholic/drug addicted husband?

You know why? Because I keep sticking around and letting this situation bring out the worst in me. I yell at my husband, I tell him over and over again about the mess that he has made. I blame. I pull away, and then beg for closeness. I am a ping pong ball all over the place and his addiction is the paddle. It pushes all of my buttons, it ruins my usually peaceful disposition, it drains me, and it's going to waste more and more of my life.

Getting out is right. Staying is wrong. It's not for lack of love. It's because we can't fix these broken souls, their addiction is not our fault, and it is not selfish if you make the choice to distance yourself from it. Love them from a far. If you have to have them in your life in order to feel whole, then there is something selfish going on inside of you. There is nothing wrong with loving them from a far.”

[allmymarbles]

If you stay away from him long enough, you may meet someone else to love. He is not the only man in the universe.

[ibizan]

we women have a bad habit...we fall in love with a mans potential..and i've seen good  men do the same with bad women!we overlook some very obvious problems with them and focus on what they could be...and foolishly think that if we love and support them enuf they'll want to change for the relationship!sometimes this can happen but in many instances it doesn't....and the receiving party continues to take a lot of manure and gets no love or support in return!many women stay out of financial reasons or for kids....its been 3 years since i broke up with a man i loved so much...relapsed cocaine addict.he turned in2 a raging beast from hell..and he thought i would take it for i'd been alone for 10 years and really loved him.I love the peace/quiet i have in my life and not having to listen to his attempts to verbally abuse me!i came close to physically trying to knock him out but stopped myself!there is no price one can put on the peace and sanity by removing an alcoholic/addict from ur life who has no desire to change!i can only be responsible for my own recovery and staying sober/clean!I create my own happiness in life!unwise to rely on another to do that for u!my animals help:)

[Rileysmama]

It's been a about 8 months since I started talking on this forum, and he's been home from his in patient and been back to detox about a hand full of times already. He'll go a couple months between relapses and when he does they're getting shorter. He says he's really trying and I want to believe him, but does that mean I'm enabling him. I love him to much to leave. I have a decent job and home and I'm a full time student. To pick up and leave now, seems to only make my life more difficult. Am I being selfish? How long do I keep on doing this? He's a good man, his drinking is just sad and makes him pathetic.

[ibizan]

how old r ur children?are they in the home and a witness to his drunken behavior?how does this affect them?

[ibizan]

i have more questions-who is paying for all of this mans detoxes?does he work and help u with the children or r u supporting him?doesn't all this turmoil have a negative affect on ur grades for school?why is it YOU think ur selfish when u have stood by one with all this drinking all the detoxes and no recovery..yet?u ask how long will this go on?for as long as u allow it too!great quote from Eleanor Roosevelt...no one takes advantage of u without ur consent!

[Rileysmama]

My kids are in the home (10,8, and 3), my oldest seems to be the one most effected by this. She gets just as pissed at him as I do. I do worry about her. He pays for his own rehab and stuff. He holds his own with work, he makes more than I do, NOW. He helps with the kids and he's actually a nice guy. I'm just really worried about the drinking and if it will ever STOP. Do I have to leave in order for him to quit?

[ibizan]

there is no guarantee he will stop drinking if u leave...or stay...he has got to want this for himself!The longer u put up with this the higher the probability that someday your daughters may hook up with a man like him....thinking that this is the way life is with a man....what does ur 8 yr.old think?how is the 3 yr.olds behavior?does he self pay for the detoxes?i would be suprised at an insurance that would constantly pay for this...it is xpensive!

[dominosarah]

Have you thought about attending Al-anon?  You really need to take care of yourself right now.  Nothing you can do or say will make him stop drinking.  Addiction affects the whole family and we all become sick in the process.  You can get off this roller coaster ride you are on.  Please check into some help for you and your babies.  Children see alot more than we think they do.  I know you are afraid of leaving him and worry about being alone but you can be alot less lonely living by yourself than living like this.  Please keep us posted.......I wish you all the best             sara

[Tink70]

One word:  CO DEPENDENCY!  Look it up, study it - it should shed some light on why you miss your alcoholic husband.
Take Care
Tink

[Livndadrem]

I too suffered through years with an abusive alcoholic husband.  I finally kicked him out with the help of the police.  That was eight months ago, and at the time I was distraught - but I had also done a lot of the hard work before hand, preparing myself for the day when I would finally have the strength to do what had to be done.  I got that strength by looking at my little boy, and thinking about what kind of life I wanted for him as he grows up, and what attitude to women and to relationships I want him to have.

It has been very hard, and it got worse for a bit after he left, but I'm now coming through the other side and things are getting better and easier.  Although it's only been eight months since he left, it was at least six months earlier that I started realising he really had to go.  He has since done rehab, and says he's now sober, and has changed.  I want to believe that, but I no longer look at him with rose tinted glasses.  If someone has treated you appallingly (and believe me, he did treat me appallingly) then you are better off without.  I stayed with him for a long time, I did everything I could to help him, but now that I have made the break, I will not go back - he blew his chance.  He destroyed my trust in him, and I can't live with someone I can't trust.

If you are in that type of toxic relationship, you really need to make some hard choices, and draw yourself some lines in the sand.  If they can't or won't change, then you have to get out, for your sake and for the sake of your kids.  By all means do what you can to help - and it seems you both have done.  But there comes a time when you can no longer help, and when you realise you don't like the person you are becoming either - nagging, complaining, yelling, fighting.  That's when you know you have to get out.

Good luck, and remember that being "strong" is a bit of a crock - you just do what you have to do, and survive what you have to survive.  It's only later that you will realise how much strength it takes to get through some of this stuff, and how much strength you have.

[ibizan]

Thank You for posting a response which i so agree with...and for showing your son a healthier lifestyle.There is no price on sanity and peace that only we can give ourselves.

[therese83]

You can miss someone and they can still be wrong for you.

Living with someone who is emotionally abusive also takes away your self esteem and you can cling to that person.

It is very hard

[ibizan]

U r so right in your statements!We can love how it was in the beginning and miss it.....and cling to the potential of what one can be...but have to painfully accept the reality of what is!i am 26 years sober/clean.....fell in love 3 years ago with a man 3 years clean from cocaine......he relapsed and had no desire to recover....he thought i would put up with his BS/verbal/mental abuse for he knew how much i loved him......he found out how wrong that demented thinking was!Recovery has taught me to love myself and safeguard my sanity MORE than anything..for if i lose this i lose it all!

[prohelp]

I have never psoted before. My alcoholic husband died 14 years ago. I went through everything that's been discussed. But still I loved him. I still love him, or I loved what we had during our romantic period and what I fantasized our life would be. Although he was out of control, I didn't think he would die. It happened suddenly. Or maybe it wasn't sudden since he had been drinking for years. I still miss him. It still hurts.

[johnskie]

It's highly unlikely that leaving him will make him stop drinking. I know in dream land you think that leaving him will make him realize what he's lost and coming crawling back to you on sober knees... But that's not going to happen. He'll probably just drink twice as much and end up destroying even more of his life.

But that's not on you. Just do what you want, that's all life is.

[ibizan]

the self absorption of an alcoholic or addict actively using is infinite and all consuming.No one elses feelings matter but theirs......pour me pour me pour me another drink and i need another fix of whatever!sigh!

[christmas66]

I am a man.  I left my alcoholic wife.  I miss her as much as anyone has posted.  A very wounded person, with loads of loving thoughts and sometimes actions.  A horrendous drunk.  Having come to terms with that, the questions were, how long can I keep going when she is in denial?  How long can I keep on making excuses for the abuse?  how long should I stay?  'til september? maybe another year.  2 years?  Will I be asking myself the same questions in 5 years?

I fell in love with her, and what we could be and what she could be if she made the effort, for me, for her, for us.  There is always the promise; 'Yes, we can live what we always talk about'.  There is always the question 'what if? It could be this time'.  But of course, those are just fantasies.  I realise that now although for the longest, loneliest time of cruelties, I didn't.

Somehow, in the effort to be heard by someone who is deaf to all but their next fix, we empathize, build rapport and take on part of the addiction.  We become addicted to the anxiety, the drama and the almost true promise.  Co-dependency no more is a good book, worth a read.

Survival.  It's hard at first.  We do what we have to.  We do the thing we're scared ****less of and find the courage after.  We do the stuff we have to and find the strength after.  Under the sea, submerged in our grief, anger, and all the other emotions of betrayal and bereavement we just keep on.  

It's not my fault.  I didn't cause the addiction. It's not my responsibility.  And I can't cure it.  

The other thing to watch out for is the children involved.   The incidence of children becoming like their alcoholic parent is very high.  

Still love her.  Still miss the person she is, under all that other stuff.  Still grieve for the terrible waste of someone who is fantastic, but for the alcoholism.  But actions speak louder than words.  

[ibizan]

A incredibly evocative post...i can feel your loss.Had to leave a relapsed addict four years ago that i tried to help.....he didn't want it nor was he willing to work for his own recovery.I know he is in pain for his 36 year old son died 5-17 of a heroin overdose.I hope you are going to Al-Anon and have a lot of support!

[christmas66]

Hi Ibizan

Thanks for your advice and your compliment.  I am very sorry to hear of your history.  That must have been awfully hard for you.  I hope your life is better for you now.

Yes, I did go to al-anon but stopped after it appeared that the detox had worked and she had stopped drinking.  But. No.  You guessed it.  No.  Back on the booze within three months (that I know of - now I suspect it was much earlier than that).  Now I feel embarrassed to go back there, although I might go back if things become too difficult for me.

I have been here before however. My last girlfriend (of 15 years) was a 'functioning' alcoholic and excellent at controlling / manipulating.  By the time I left I had become a little boy (that was as awful as this).  History has a way of recurring until we learn what it is we are actually doing and repeating.  I now know that I am repeating a pattern instilled in me by my alcoholic parents.  Father - drunk and simply.  Mother, drunk and very controlling.  I wish I could say something in latin like 'the facts speak for themselves'. I guess ipso facto? or ex post facto?

Now I have to learn to pick a partner who isn't controlling or has an activated co-dependency complex.  And, more importantly, I have to learn to NOT activate a co-dependency complex in her or me.  That may be very difficult to change in myself.  I don' know how to do that and am reading everything I can lay my hands on.  In anycase, it's way too early for me at this time.

Anyway, I know there is life after living with an alcoholic (even if it's by myself it's better than before). On an emotional level it was extremely hard to initiate the break and maintain it.  Then there's the financial side of things and so on.  And I know my situation isn't nearly as bad as many of the posters here and on other sites.  Nevertheless, there is life after being in a relationship with an alcoholic. Let's face it, most people posting here are carers.  We've been caring and parenting our alcoholics for years.  The plus side to this attribute is that we can give all that love and caring to ourselves when we leave.  And if it's difficult at first, we can learn to.  That's what I think.  

Thanks again to you and to all the other posters here.  To quote Robin Williams - carpe deum (I hope I spelt that correctly).  

[lostinmyownmind2010]

God I am so glad I found this site, I have been involved with a man for 5 yrs. The first 3 yrs were Great, he drank but i didnt think it was an issue. Until Now, About Two weeks ago just out of the blue everything turned upside down. He made me feel life was not worth living and that with everything going good in this life he was unhappy and he didnt have those butterfly feelings anmore. ( this after 5 yrs i remind you ) . He said the most hurtful things like i don't know why i am unhappy: Maybe I need a strange piece of A - - , or a B- - - J- - ! and other sexually related remarks that just ripped my heart out! He siad that he may be crazy or just plain stupid but i felt as if he needs to go on a couple of dates and see if that is the happeniess that he has been lacking.  I just dont understand how people who drink can be so heartless and they can switich their emotions like a light switich, one minute they love you and the next be so cold and mean!  Can someone please tell me if they go threw the same things? Do they even care or is it all just a front? or do they push us away to see if we really care and come back? I am just so confused !!! Please Help

[ibizan]

Well u have seen my posts here and my dayjob is substance abuse counselor for past 25 years.I've been in recovery for 26 years.Alcoholics and drug addicts when active in their addiction are completely absorbed in2 themselves and their habit.No one elses feelings matter.......no one else at all!And when u r in a relationship with one the same applies as u have described here!Mine foolishly thought that because i was by myself for 10 years and loved him enought that I would tolerate his substance abuse,emotional abuse and verbal abuse.He received a rude awakening and it really took me too long  to rid myself of him after giving him so many chances to make changes.And for that I was responsible...I hung in there with him for too long.....a year was too long!Eleanor Roosevelt is famous for saying No one takes advantage of u withour ur consent!This man must wake up and smell the coffee for himself....and deeply apologize to you for u deserve it.But don't hold ur breath and wait for this.No one deserves what u describe u r going thru!You must move 4ward and take charge of ur own life and learn to create ur own happiness!!!!

[dominosarah]

Until you take control back of your life this sort of thing will keep happening.  You have to find your own happiness and not rely on someone else to do that for you.  During my active using years i was married and divorced 3 times as my first love was the bottle and i did whatever i needed to do to feed my addiction.  Please get into Alanon or some sort of therapy.  Our family members are the ones who get the brunt end of our addiction.  It isnt just the addict who is sick.  You dont have to live like this anymore and until you realize that you dont deserve it this wont end.  You are a good person, now do something so you know that.          sara

[ibizan]

As i have traveled thru relationships in life.....hindsight is a great teacher...i think we see the good in ppl...in our partners.....and hope it lasts.Then the ugliness of an addiction rears its head and the bearer must slay it by the recovery process.If they don't..and we stay with these men or women we focus on their potential...what they could be and rationalize/deny what they are doing b4 our eyes!We keep hoping that person we fell in love with will come back that they will see what a dynamic duo u and they could be together...and cling to the memory of good times.There comes a time when i had to accept this was not going to happen....and i did...and moved on...painfully so...and grew 7 more feet in the process!

[Amylizzy]

I have been with my husband for 4 years married for 1. He has been an alcoholic for longer. We have no children which I am so depressed about. He has been in and out of rehab twice in the last 10 months. He lost his job which made him go in the first time. Came out and started drinking within 3 days. COMPLETELY denying he was drinking. Blamed my mother for catching him out then accusing me of not believing him. I organized to get him back into rehab myself. He was in rehab for a month this time even spending his 40th birthday in there. Came out and was what appeared to be sober for 7 months. He got another job and we started to try for a family. During his sober months I began to realize he continued to lie about anything and everything without ANY insight of the impact that had on others and our relationship. He refused to go to AA he stopped taking his medication without telling me as he said he didn't want the reaction from me and there was absolutely NO remorse or insight into the mess he had created with me. He just simply told me " you just have to believe me". Whenever we had discussions they would end up an argument or fight. With the ending being me in such a depressive hole and him telling me it was my fault, that I was the one who had the problem and why couldn't I just move on. We recently went away to Fiji for a holiday. He told me 3 days before we left that he had been drinking. But only after I caught him behaving like he had been drinking. He denied it straight to my face and even swore on his own mothers grave he hadn't been drinking. But he justified it by
saying it was only one or two beers and that it
was hard for him to see others drinking around
him. YET again I found myself vomitting in the toilet while he sat behind me not doing anything then walked away. All he wanted to do was move on from it and that it was just a " slip up and that he is human so what did I expect". The day we were leaving he "lost" his passport and accused me of taking it. He went to the police and filed a complaint that I stole it. I was Sooo frightened and on the floor in tears with bruised arms from the day before and he STILL would not look, touch or even show ANYTHING towards me in that level of despair. I was told to get on a plane and that he will be staying in Fiji to gain a new passport. I had to get on a plane by myself knowing what was going on with him. He did NOT care. When he gothome 2 days later he told me he found his passport in his bag and that I must have put it in there because he doesn't remember. I flew home on valentines day by myself! Since he got home he has only said sorry for what has happened. He doesn't understand he has done irreversible damage to me and that's what he should be sorry about.
Sorry this has been a novel but I am so hurt and so completely lost as this has only been in the last week it happened. I moved out before he got home and staying with my mother. I go back and forth back and forth inside my head. I'm 27 years old and Soo desperatly want a family of my own. But am so depressed I can't see any future that will give me that. I feel like I'm alone and can't see light. I just pray for any relief ANYTHING at all.

[ibizan]

Yeegads my dear!get to Al-Anon and stop wishing for a life w/this man that will never be....u cannot make him want to get better and it appears as if he is comfortable in his own insanity. U r young.......there is someone out there 4 u that will give u better treatment but not until u stop allowing this man to use u as his whipping post for he cannot take responsiiblity for his own problems!

[sundance500]

I left my alcoholic abusive husband three and a half years ago. For 12 months before that, we had slept in seperate rooms, as he came home from the pub and went straight to bed with the dog. I loved him so much, I convinced myself that I could change him. We had been married for nearly 10 years. Because of different working hours, I didn't know that alcohol was a problem for a few years. But the last couple of years he had become very aggresive (aggressive) and abusive to me and especially to my 2 teenaged sons  He was completely in denial about his drinking problems. He made our lives hell, but I was so convinced that I could change him if he really loved me. I was so wrong. He said he loved me and didn't want to lose me, but he couldn't give up the beer. I was devastated. I thought he loved me as much as I loved him. So I made a very difficult descision and moved out with my sons, and we stayed at my daughter's for a while. I still hoped that he would come to his senses and give up the beer and ask me to go back. But three and a half years later, he has given up asking me to go back. Because he won't do anything about the drinking.
Why do I still get days like this, when I miss him so much and can't stop crying? I must be stupid, it only takes a song to trigger it off. I feel I have lost so much. He is such a lovely person when he is not drinking. I'm missing all the things we were going to do together. Even though he had the house re-possessed, the car confiscated and crushed by the police, (for drink driving for the third time) and the dog taken back, all after I left. Why do I feel so lost and hurt. I want to get him out of my system and get on with my life. I'm 63 and don't want to waste the rest of my life. Please can someone tell me. Does it get better?

[fishbill]

WOW!   It is amazing to me how you feel so alone when going through this but there are so many of us out there.......I left my husband 7 months ago because of his selfish drinking and lies he continues to tell us.   We have two sweet little boys together age 3 and 6 who love thier Daddy so much.   lMy husband is not only and alcoholic he is a work aholic and has little to no time for us.  His family is filled with alcoholics and they see me leaving as my problem and not his.....   I want so badly for our boys to have a home with Mom and Dad together that I keep believing his lies and he just continues to hurt me.   I lately feel like a zombie going through the motions of life.....I have been distant from friends, family and from God.   I try to convince myself to go back but I know what is best for me kids is NOT TO.    One day at a time.  thank you all for sharing your hearts....it has helped me tremendously

[ibizan]

U 2 are very courageous ladies!U thought of ur children and urselves to have a healthier life......why do u miss them sometimes?for u invested so much of urselves in2 the relationship and u saw glimmers of their potential.....but a relationship is much more work than the other half showing an occasional spurt of energy!When we miss these men it is remembering the good times and what could be...then we snap that invisible band of rubber round our heads and get back to the reality of what it really was!More pain and struggle than 4 ward movement...and 4 ward movement is much better 4 us in the long run!

[senora165]

I agree so strongly with bluespence Jan 07, 2009. I have just ended a 21 year marriage because I just couldn't take the verbal and emotional abusive anymore. We have two disabled children that I have been the only parent to because he was always overwhelmed about everything and couldn't cope so he used that as an excuse to drink and or drug. I am so depressed now because I still love him and I miss him. I know that I have done the right thing for me and my kids and that it will take time but my heart is broken I feel like crying everyday.

[Barrie0309]

I am married to an alcoholic who I began dating when I was 16 (I'm 38); I spent years begging for him to stop, all the while enabling his behavior.  He has been emotionally abusive throughout the relationship, has done one stint in outpatient rehab, will not seek any employment aside from a bartending position, and he has destroyed us financially.  Through it all, I have held onto the hope that things would change because of what I dreamed we would have, if only he cleaned up his act.

It took a couple of years of working on myself to get to a point where I had the courage to establish boundaries - I was forced to relocate for work after he refused while I spent two years on disability and went through our life savings - and when we moved, I told him I needed him to live on his own while he demonstrated a commitment to sobriety, because I didn't trust him.

His response?  He blindsided me with divorce papers, stating I threatened to accuse him of alcoholism if he left me and that he was scared of me!  He is seeking custody of our daughter, $1200 a month in alimony, attorney's fees, and my retirement assets (for four years of marriage).  His filing was was so hostile and full of truly outrageous lies - I was heartbroken.  I asked him point-blank why he was doing this - and he got off the phone with me and never returned my call.  He also comes from a family of drunks, all of whom act as if somehow I'm the bad guy in all of this - why, because I finally stood up for myself?

I swing from anger and fury to total despair over this and I'm having a really hard coping.  I don't know what to do.

[ibizan]

keep doing what u r doing....do u have a good lawyer?ever been to Al-Anon?counseling?who is ur support system?u have every right to be angry...but try to feel some power that u r finally ridding urself of this irresponsible parasite!

[mia909]

thanks for the reply to the ladie with the alcoholic husband of many years.
I too have the same inssue, I was missing my alcoholic fieance' of 11 yrs.
tonight its been 3 1/2 years I kicked him out , and he still hasnt put down the booze, so he cannot come home..

I offten wonder who he really is. I have finally given up waiting.
Hes committed to the bottle.
I feel sorry for him..
but when he was with us, I felt sorry for my son who use to have to put up with his unpredictable emotional pain.

Tonight I was missing him , But now I feel better since I read your comment thank you.

[ncrn12]

I do not feel like an idiot after seeing all these other posts.  When you are married to an alcoholic, especially a functioning alcoholic, you often times feel alone and that no one understands.  I was married to my alcoholic husband for 4 years.  When I met him, he hid his drinking from me very well.  We had a quick courtship, I see now why, and after the marriage, his drinking went from minimal to excessive.  He knew that I didn't drink and didn't like it.  At first he wasn't that bad, but the more he drank, the meaner he got.  When I first met him, he worked full time, so he didn't start drinking til after work.  He would come home and by bed time would have 5 or 6 beers...every day.  But, the weekends were what I dreaded the most.  He would start drinking at 12 pm, even counting down the minutes until then, and drink until he went to bed or passed out.  I started counting how many and often on Friday and Saturday nights would drink 15 to 20 beers.  I didn't think someone would drink that much and still be functional.  THis should have told me that he had been drinking this heavily for many years.  It got to the point that we were fighting constantly.  Holidays and vacations were the worst because he would drink even more.  Then after 1 year of marriage, he quit his job because, "i just don't like it, let me stay home and take care of the kids" (his 2 and my one from previous marriages).  Well, I would come home to a dirty house and a drunk husband.  He hardly did anything inside the house, mostly sat outside at his "building" and drank.  I worked a full time and a part time job, took all 3 kids to their activities (I didn't want him driving them), paid all the bills, and took care of things at the house.  After 2 and a half years of that, I got tired of it.  He was also very verbally abusive to me, C**t was one of his favorite names to call me along with *****.  Sometimes I would have to travel for work and when I would call to talk to him he would say, "I dont' want to talk to you, you're probably there having fun meeting all them men".  I was faithful to him the whole time, but was accused so many times of cheating on him.  He would even cuss his own children out and tell me, "I am who I am, I'm not going to chage".  Our last family vacation was a fiasco.  He started drinking at 12 pm then too.  One evening, he wanted to drive the car somewhere, I hid the keys because I knew he was drunk and didn't want him to hurt himself or someone else.  He grabbed me (he is much bigger than me and this was not the first physical altercation) by the hair and dragged me up the stairs.  I was so scared that I called the police.  Of course the kids were upstairs crying.  When the police came, I didn't file charges, I felt so bad for his kids, and again promises were made, that were never kept.  One month after this incident, I finally left.  Started a new life, but after 2 months, for some unknown reason, I missed him and he said all the right things to get me to come back.  He told me he had stopped drinking, gotten a job, etc.  Told me how much he loved me and wanted to make things work out.  I moved back in and we started going to counseling, that didn't last long. Then things started to go bad again.  He would get off of work at 5, but wouldn't get home til 6:30, even though he lived 15 minutes from work.  I suspected that he was going to drink somewhere.  He started drinking at home again.  One one weekend when we had 8 kids for a birthday party, and also our fourth aniversary, he went on a binge.  He drank a whole 24 case of beer and came in the house yelling at me, calling me names, berating me in front of our children and their friends.  I kept my mouth shut and pretended to go to bed to get him off of my case...no one should have to do that in their home.  He stopped helping me around the house, started yelling and cussing the kids again.  Even yelled at his children one day "Clean up this F***ING room".  I could see the look of hurt in their eyes.  The next day I said something and he started cussing and yelling in front of the kids, "I guess since you make more money, you think you are the boss of me".  I again tried talking to him, even asking him to go in the garage with me so the kids wouldn't hear us fighting.  He took off in the car to the store.  While coming back he called me on the phone, I hoped to try and work things out, but no, he began cussing me and yelling at me with his child in the car hearing all of it.  This was the last straw for me, I decided right then and there as if a light switch had been turned on that I was not going to live like this any longer.  I bought a house and moved me and my son out of there.  It's been 6 weeks since then as I write this and after all of that, I feel sorry for him.  I know that he is struggling financially, even heard he has been going to the foodbank to get food.  It hurts my heart because I don't want to see him struggle, and I don't want to see his kids struggle.  It makes me angry becuse I still can not figure out why he couldn't give up his beer for a happy family life.  It makes me sad because I worry about his health.  He is 10 years older than me.  But when I think about all these things, I also think about something he told me when I was moving out.  I asked him, "Would you or could you give up the alcohol?"  He chuckled and replied, "Why would I want to give up something that I love?"  I guess that sums it all up.
To those on here, especially if you have children, don't stay in an abusive relationship with an alcoholic.  They will never change and their first love isn't you and the kids, it's alcohol.  Things may be tough at first, emotionally and financially, but you can not put a price on peace of mind and happiness.  As I sit here writing this, I cherish the silence, of no one cussing and yelling at me for something I didn't do.  I pray that all of you who have gone through this, or are still going through this are able to find the peace and comfort that I have.  Don't get me wrong, I still love him, and probably always will, but I love myself and my child too.  

[ncrn12]

I do not feel like an idiot after seeing all these other posts.  When you are married to an alcoholic, especially a functioning alcoholic, you often times feel alone and that no one understands.  I was married to my alcoholic husband for 4 years.  When I met him, he hid his drinking from me very well.  We had a quick courtship, I see now why, and after the marriage, his drinking went from minimal to excessive.  He knew that I didn't drink and didn't like it.  At first he wasn't that bad, but the more he drank, the meaner he got.  When I first met him, he worked full time, so he didn't start drinking til after work.  He would come home and by bed time would have 5 or 6 beers...every day.  But, the weekends were what I dreaded the most.  He would start drinking at 12 pm, even counting down the minutes until then, and drink until he went to bed or passed out.  I started counting how many and often on Friday and Saturday nights would drink 15 to 20 beers.  I didn't think someone would drink that much and still be functional.  THis should have told me that he had been drinking this heavily for many years.  It got to the point that we were fighting constantly.  Holidays and vacations were the worst because he would drink even more.  Then after 1 year of marriage, he quit his job because, "i just don't like it, let me stay home and take care of the kids" (his 2 and my one from previous marriages).  Well, I would come home to a dirty house and a drunk husband.  He hardly did anything inside the house, mostly sat outside at his "building" and drank.  I worked a full time and a part time job, took all 3 kids to their activities (I didn't want him driving them), paid all the bills, and took care of things at the house.  After 2 and a half years of that, I got tired of it.  He was also very verbally abusive to me, C**t was one of his favorite names to call me along with *****.  Sometimes I would have to travel for work and when I would call to talk to him he would say, "I dont' want to talk to you, you're probably there having fun meeting all them men".  I was faithful to him the whole time, but was accused so many times of cheating on him.  He would even cuss his own children out and tell me, "I am who I am, I'm not going to chage".  Our last family vacation was a fiasco.  He started drinking at 12 pm then too.  One evening, he wanted to drive the car somewhere, I hid the keys because I knew he was drunk and didn't want him to hurt himself or someone else.  He grabbed me (he is much bigger than me and this was not the first physical altercation) by the hair and dragged me up the stairs.  I was so scared that I called the police.  Of course the kids were upstairs crying.  When the police came, I didn't file charges, I felt so bad for his kids, and again promises were made, that were never kept.  One month after this incident, I finally left.  Started a new life, but after 2 months, for some unknown reason, I missed him and he said all the right things to get me to come back.  He told me he had stopped drinking, gotten a job, etc.  Told me how much he loved me and wanted to make things work out.  I moved back in and we started going to counseling, that didn't last long. Then things started to go bad again.  He would get off of work at 5, but wouldn't get home til 6:30, even though he lived 15 minutes from work.  I suspected that he was going to drink somewhere.  He started drinking at home again.  One one weekend when we had 8 kids for a birthday party, and also our fourth aniversary, he went on a binge.  He drank a whole 24 case of beer and came in the house yelling at me, calling me names, berating me in front of our children and their friends.  I kept my mouth shut and pretended to go to bed to get him off of my case...no one should have to do that in their home.  He stopped helping me around the house, started yelling and cussing the kids again.  Even yelled at his children one day "Clean up this F***ING room".  I could see the look of hurt in their eyes.  The next day I said something and he started cussing and yelling in front of the kids, "I guess since you make more money, you think you are the boss of me".  I again tried talking to him, even asking him to go in the garage with me so the kids wouldn't hear us fighting.  He took off in the car to the store.  While coming back he called me on the phone, I hoped to try and work things out, but no, he began cussing me and yelling at me with his child in the car hearing all of it.  This was the last straw for me, I decided right then and there as if a light switch had been turned on that I was not going to live like this any longer.  I bought a house and moved me and my son out of there.  It's been 6 weeks since then as I write this and after all of that, I feel sorry for him.  I know that he is struggling financially, even heard he has been going to the foodbank to get food.  It hurts my heart because I don't want to see him struggle, and I don't want to see his kids struggle.  It makes me angry becuse I still can not figure out why he couldn't give up his beer for a happy family life.  It makes me sad because I worry about his health.  He is 10 years older than me.  But when I think about all these things, I also think about something he told me when I was moving out.  I asked him, "Would you or could you give up the alcohol?"  He chuckled and replied, "Why would I want to give up something that I love?"  I guess that sums it all up.
To those on here, especially if you have children, don't stay in an abusive relationship with an alcoholic.  They will never change and their first love isn't you and the kids, it's alcohol.  Things may be tough at first, emotionally and financially, but you can not put a price on peace of mind and happiness.  As I sit here writing this, I cherish the silence, of no one cussing and yelling at me for something I didn't do.  I pray that all of you who have gone through this, or are still going through this are able to find the peace and comfort that I have.  Don't get me wrong, I still love him, and probably always will, but I love myself and my child too.  

[ibizan]

We cannot force those we love or have loved to get sober and take responsibility for their recovery and messes THEY have created.U did the right thing for urself and any children involved......like the Beatles sang Life is just 2 short for all this fussing and fighting my friends!The long term damage this does to children is devastating...the longer the person stays in a abusive situation like this hoping things will change...and rationalizing someday they will.....while the present day reality shows it is not happening! Move 4 ward w/ur life and make a vow 2 urself that u will never tolerate this type of behavior from anyone!

[rpooo]

I am sorry to hear about everything you have been through. I understand your message and it is a very important for people to know this. Anyone deserves better from their spouse  or loved one.
I wouldn't want the message to get confused in any way though. My wife and I have been together now for 9 years now and our marriage is great. Probably many of the people here know my story already so I'll just give the short short version.

I have been a functioning alcoholic for 20+ years. I was eventually diagnosed with end stage cirrhosis 03-23-10. For the two years prior to my diagnosis I was laid off and able to collect unemployment nearly the entire time. I was a television Assistant chief engineer and work was very difficult to find. My alcoholism became more severe during this time. So much so that if I was awake I was drinking! I was up to drinking approx. 23 beers a day, some days more and rare days less. I have never been the kind of man that you described your husband to be like but I know many people are just that way. Alcoholism is a terrible disease and it's amazing how much people are willing to give up for it (life). Sure my wife got tired of the drinking and the expense and probably at times put up with much more than she should've had too.

Since then I am coming up on two years sober this month. If I go back to drinking ever again I die, that I am certain of. She saved my life because she stuck with me, she got me to go to the doctor when I received my diagnosis. I was jaundice at the time. After going through all of that our marriage is as you would imagine.. Stronger than ever! Guess what though, we still have our ups and downs and maybe even more so since I pay attention! Lol

Marriage is a big commitment and after what you have been through I know you did the right thing but I just wanted to point out that not every relationship should be terminated because alcoholism is involved. Perhaps the quick courtship and getting to know the person you are making a life time commitment too could have really played a bigger role here and saved you from a lot of hardship. None the less though I am very sorry to hear what you have been through. Take care and God bless.

Randy

[Kresaera]

Ncrn12, you just described some parts of my husband when he was on heroin. Mean, swearing, rude, etc. I was constantly a "dumb b**ch" and knew nothing of how he felt, even though I was an addict as well. 4 years later, I have the sweetest most caring man in the world. Yes, he's the same person but he's sober. The man I married came back and I'm thankful and lucky. I guess I'm just saying I feel you. My sons dad was an alcholic as well, he still drinks though, and he is long gone from my life.

Rileysmama, I don't know what to say other than hang in there. Support him and see where things go. Love is a very strong emotion, but it only works if its coming from both sides. Chin up :-)

[cassi03]

Co-dependency is an addiction in itself and there is many things you can do about that.  Alanon meeting or just get the Language of Letting Go at the library or store and you will see some great stuff that will help you every single day, i promise.

[Phillygrrl73]

Jeez we're living parallel lives - mine quit three months after we were married to 'stay home with our daughter' too.  I came home to a passed out husband and a naked toddler running through the house.  His favorite pet name for me was c*&t - usually preceded by telling me to f*&k myself.

Thank you for sharing.  After all the crazymaking that went on, sometimes I would wonder if it was all in my head, like I was blowing it out of proportion.  Reading your story, which sounds strikingly similar to mine, reinforces for me that our marriage was every bit as disfunctional as I thought.

[ibizan]

so r u still in it?or have u a healthier lifestyle?

[Des1811]

I have stumbled across this site  completely by accident and Im so glad I did. I have just ended an 11 month relationship with an alcoholic. He was also a heavy pot smoker but had been off that (or so he says) for the last three months or so. I knew what he was like probably two weeks into the relationship, but, like a lot of people who have posted on here, I thought I could "fix" him. How wrong I was. During the time we were together, we split up and got back together countless times because of his drinking. He used to drink a bottle of scotch (usually a litre bottle at that) per night, then whatever else he could find, even stuff like Gin that he didnt like, he drank it because it was booze.  About three or four months ago, he decided he would try and cut down. This worked for a short while, he was drinking beer instead of scotch, and during that time I foolishly decided to let him move into my house with me. Well as soon as he had planted himself here it all started again, worse than ever. He wasnt so much abusive in drink as just annoying and disrespectful, ie. I would go to bed hours early to try and get away from him and he would be in and out of the bedroom, talking, singing, turning the radio on etc. My physical health was suffering due to stress and lack of sleep. There were occassions when he did frighten me with his aggressive behaviour which ended up with me locking him outside for the night, he would then get in the car and drive who knows where in his drunken state. I even rang the police on one occassion as I had locked him out as he was getting aggressive and he was trying to break the door down. The police came and offered to take him away. He had calmed down by then so I (stupidly) said no. The police knew about his alcohol problem and gave him a talking to, but as soon as they had left, back to it all again and ended up driving away yet again. It all came to a head a week ago. He had told me about a week previous to this that he wanted to quit drinking. I had tried everything over the time to get him to get help to stop, all to no avail so I was pleasantly surprised when he said this, although I had doubts. I was very supportive, offered to go with him to AA, counselling or whatever would help(he said he didnt need help, he could do it himself) and congratulated him each day he didnt drink. Last weekend was a long weekend, but I had to work on the Monday morning. I had cause to ring him when I finished work and as soon as he answered the phone I knew something was wrong. I ask him had he been drinking, he said no. I got home from work and again I could clearly see that something was wrong. I couldnt smell grog on him, and I asked him several more times had he been drinking, everytime the answer was no. He started to get aggitated and I thought he may have been pill popping, something he had done previously. He was worrying me so much I asked him to leave for a while as he was starting to frighten me. Finally after yet another yelling match he drove off yet again. I was really puzzled as to what he had taken or whatever. My 16 year old son was here at the time and he finally came to me and brought me the evidence of what my partner had been doing. He had a couple of cheap casks of wine in the shed and had been drinking all day, telling me he was working in there. Apparently when I was due home, (I had to visit a couple of people that day also) he would rush in and clean his teeth and use mouthwash etc. Well that was enough for me, as if the drinking and the mental torture I was going though wasnt enough he had started lying to me as well. Worse still, dragging my son into his deception. I rang him the next day and told him to come and get his stuff from my house. That ended in another screaming and yelling match when he came. I couldnt believe that he was taking things so casually. I hated what I turned in to because of the stress and anxiety, a yelling screaming maniac. I didnt hear from him for the rest of the week so I rang him yesterday, dont know why, I guess I was still clinging to some sort of hope. It probably was the best thing I could have done. Although it hurt like hell at the time, his words made me realise that there is no hope for us. He said that he had no interest in coming back to me and that he couldnt give up the grog. He couldnt even be honest with me then, telling me he had been staying with his parents when I know he hasnt been.  I was so hurt and angry, after all I had done for him. I had such a terrible day yesterday, crying all day. Today, I was physically sick from it all then this afternoon I thought to myself well hes not worrying about me, he can just give up on everything for the sake of the grog, so why should I cry for him. I still love him dearly and I miss him, but the peace I have had in my own home for the past week has been wonderful. I still feel sad and am having some difficulty doing stuff in my house, everything reminds me of him, but I forced myself today to wash all my bedding so I could get back to sleeping in my own bed and did heaps of cleaning so I could start getting my life back on track. Its not easy, cause as I said, I still love him dearly and as I am in my late 40s, the thought creeps in sometimes that I will spend the rest of my life alone, but for now, Im trying to focus on the present and get by day by day. I know I have made the right choice, the only choice I could have made if I want to hang on to my sanity. Sorry this is so long, but it has helped heaps just by writing it all down.

[aus13]

I have come across this site by accident, well obviously not by accident as my story is echoed in many of these.  I walked away from my husband of ten years and our home three months ago.   He was a functioning alcoholic who guess what owns a pub.  I  had a good life with him, enjoyed travel, partied along with him as i like to drink too, but recent years have changed the drinking behaviour.  In the last five years it has gotten progressively worse.  I have asked him to deal with his drinking but the usual excuse, everybody drinks, you drink.  He drank every day of the week, he has hidden bottles of spirit around the house, i had found them under the bed, behind the piano, in the garden, anywhere he could sneak and drink.  He did drink beer all the time, and he usaually had one upon waking.  I loved him and wanted to support him, i felt everyone wanted me to fix it, his family, his friends, his older children,  the more pressure to mkae things right for everyone else, the more despair i felt.  I felt very unsupported because no one wanted to confront him.  Alcoholism ran in the family, and they all felt history was repeating itself.  Last year it came to a head, i was on anti depressants and just wanted to go home to austrlalia as i couldnt cope.  He promised to take me, we booked the tickets but his health was so bad and his drinking was so out of control i didnt think hed get on the plane.  I told him id go without him with our kids.  I guess he thought he would lose us so he tried to stop drinking, as anyone here knows that is dangerous for an alcoholic to just stop.  I sat with him the first few nights, the dts so bad he couldnt sleep, sweats, dihorrea, obvious pain. after three days i could see my husband again.  As i was talking to him he had a seizure, his eyes rolled to the back of his head, he was foaming at the mouth all muscles clenched shaking in his bed, i was hysterical, i luckily had a friend with me who called the paramedics..they came and insisted a dr be called to give medication to help with withdrawal.  so over the next few days i nursed him, i calmed him down when he was hallucinating, fed him, bathed him...eventually the dr gave him the all clear, we got on the plane to australia.  he drank every day we were there.....my heart was broken.  i told him i couldnt go through this again...and ive been telling it to him again and again...and now i have left and he is angry with me.  I will always miss the man he was, but not the man he is.  I have been grieving the loss of my partner for five years,  so leaving him has been less painful, less tearful.  My boys are doing fine because i am.  sadly my husbands behaviour has affected his relationship with the kids, which by the way is my fault too....an alcoholic is a master at convincing you it is you not them with the problem.  so reading this page confirms to me we are not alone....please take care all of you xxxxx

[aus13]

I have come across this site by accident, well obviously not by accident as my story is echoed in many of these.  I walked away from my husband of ten years and our home three months ago.   He was a functioning alcoholic who guess what owns a pub.  I  had a good life with him, enjoyed travel, partied along with him as i like to drink too, but recent years have changed the drinking behaviour.  In the last five years it has gotten progressively worse.  I have asked him to deal with his drinking but the usual excuse, everybody drinks, you drink.  He drank every day of the week, he has hidden bottles of spirit around the house, i had found them under the bed, behind the piano, in the garden, anywhere he could sneak and drink.  He did drink beer all the time, and he usaually had one upon waking.  I loved him and wanted to support him, i felt everyone wanted me to fix it, his family, his friends, his older children,  the more pressure to mkae things right for everyone else, the more despair i felt.  I felt very unsupported because no one wanted to confront him.  Alcoholism ran in the family, and they all felt history was repeating itself.  Last year it came to a head, i was on anti depressants and just wanted to go home to austrlalia as i couldnt cope.  He promised to take me, we booked the tickets but his health was so bad and his drinking was so out of control i didnt think hed get on the plane.  I told him id go without him with our kids.  I guess he thought he would lose us so he tried to stop drinking, as anyone here knows that is dangerous for an alcoholic to just stop.  I sat with him the first few nights, the dts so bad he couldnt sleep, sweats, dihorrea, obvious pain. after three days i could see my husband again.  As i was talking to him he had a seizure, his eyes rolled to the back of his head, he was foaming at the mouth all muscles clenched shaking in his bed, i was hysterical, i luckily had a friend with me who called the paramedics..they came and insisted a dr be called to give medication to help with withdrawal.  so over the next few days i nursed him, i calmed him down when he was hallucinating, fed him, bathed him...eventually the dr gave him the all clear, we got on the plane to australia.  he drank every day we were there.....my heart was broken.  i told him i couldnt go through this again...and ive been telling it to him again and again...and now i have left and he is angry with me.  I will always miss the man he was, but not the man he is.  I have been grieving the loss of my partner for five years,  so leaving him has been less painful, less tearful.  My boys are doing fine because i am.  sadly my husbands behaviour has affected his relationship with the kids, which by the way is my fault too....an alcoholic is a master at convincing you it is you not them with the problem.  so reading this page confirms to me we are not alone....please take care all of you xxxxx

[ibizan]

U did the right sane and healthy thing...the best choice 4 u and ur boys......life is 2 short to be spent wrangling w/one who refuses to take responsibility for their addiction.Pls keep us posted and keep posting...others who struggle w/an alcoholic/addicted partner need to c ur strength and wisdom here!

[aus13]

Thankyou for your support.  I have bad days where i recall all the good times and i miss my husband, as i always see the best in people, i hope for change.  This  leaves me dissapointed as my expectations are never realised.  Living my own life and doing what is best for me is the only thing i can rely on.  I need to remind myself daily and not fall back into old patterns of putting the other persons feelings before my own.  Each day at a time as my friends say..

[ibizan]

R u going to al-anon?who and what is ur support system!

[sheicor]

I was a young widow when I met my alcoholic husband. Having lived a good marriage I thought I knew how to choose a god man. In hindsight the signs were there, I just ignored or missed them. After dating for only a short time he moved into my house, we got married 3 months after that. The verbal abuse started shortly after he moved in. He would drink and get on me for things that didn't even make sense, minor things. The next day he would blame his own struggles for his behavior, he couldn't get over losing his family and children and his house in his divorce. I was confused and tried everything to make things better, nothing was ever good enough. At first I just thought it was a phase, a mourning period he was still going through. I made excuses and forgave him time and time again. When I did confront him he would say I was cold and didn't get him. It was always my fault always me. I wasn't patient enough, I wanted someone perfect, I was a know it all. He denies having a drinking problem. We tried couples counseling and I finally got him to see a phsychiatrist who put him on Lythium as she suspected he was bipolar. It helped but the drinking continued. This past Friday he got his 1st DUI, and blames me for fighting with him which led him to not turn on his headlights which lead him to being stopped, he had had at least 8 glasses of wine and I had begged him not to drive. On Monday he took all his things and left. I am a mother of 2 great boys a positive person with great friends. I am financially independent and own my house. Yet I am sitting here wondering why? Why I feel like a failure, why I let it last this long, why I wasn't strong enough to break the cycle of abuse, why I miss and still love him? What is wrong with ME? I know intellectually what I should do...run for the hills, but my heart is broken and confused. I don't want to walk on eggshells anymore, I don't want to have him control me or have his mood and drinking determine the outcome of our evenings. I'm scared, scared he can come back and suck me back in...how pathetic am I? We have only been married 1 yr and 3 months. I'm sorry for the long post but I needed to vent....any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

[ibizan]

Women ........and some men...have a bad habit of what Joe Tannenbaum stated in his book "Male and Female Differences"...falling in love w/that persons POTENTIAL!We see the good....make xcuses for the bad....and think..and oh so wrongly think...that if we love support and care...AND..make excuses 4 their bad behaviors  somehow they'll change!U R NOT A FAILURE!U really need to RUN to an Al-Anon meeting and listen to what the ppl are saying...and also get to know those who have walked in your shoes...have decided to enable NO MORE!I have been sober/clean for 28 years now.I had to take FULL responsibility for my problem..and for my recovery!6 years ago i loved a man who relapsed w/cocaine..his drug of choice.He heaped upon me what u describe above.He MISTAKENLY thought i would tolerate his BS for i'd been alone for 10 yrs.He found out different....but it took me some time to rid myself of him.I've been on both sides of the fence......the active alcoholic/addict....and the woman who got sober and happened to fall for one of my kind who took no responsibility for his problem.Life is too short to put urself and ur children thru the emotional wranglings of this...pls get to Al-Anon....and keep us posted!

[sheicor]

Thank you for sharing your story, sounds so familiar. I know exactly what you mean. It is hard, it hurts but coming home without wondering what I am going to find is priceless. I wish you and your child much happiness.

[sheicor]

Thank you. I agree and have even invited his mother to go to an Al Anon meeting with me. I am also making an appointment with a therapist. This is very painful and has effected my self esteem. I know I have to live through the pain to move forward but it *****!! I felt very lonely after losing a wonderful husband to a terrible disease but I keep reminding myself that even the pain of loneliness was better than the pain I felt when he was dunk and attacking me. I have no family here, it's just me and my boys so I feel very vulnerable.  How have you been doing?

[ibizan]

U r making some very good steps there!i'm so sorry u lost a good spouse to a terrible disease.....why does life have to do this to ppl:(how far away is ur family?r they supportive to u?i'm doing good here...grateful that my power didn't go out in this horrid heatwave/weather w/all the destruction it has caused!

[sheicor]

My family is in Brazil, where I am from. Yes, everyone is very supportive, just too far away to really be able to help. I do have wonderful friends however that helped me through my husbands passing 5 years ago and are helping me now. Glad to hear about your power..I hear the heat has been really bad in some areas. It's terrible how it has affected so many people. Could I have done anything differently to have avoided all this?

[LuvtoLexi]

I have been reading all of the comments and crying while reading each one.  Each comment applies to me as it does to most women/men going through this.  I am 40 and my husband and I have been together for 19 yrs, married for 15.  Like most couples we spent weekends socializing with others, took vacations etc.  Drinking was a social thing, not a problem.  10yrs ago I began to suspect something wasn't right.  We had our dissagreements about his drinking, I expressed concern to his parents and mine.  That is when I should have left, but I loved him and I was going to make this marriage work against all odds like some fantasy movie.  4 1/2 yrs ago he went to a 30 day treatment center(not a very good one) but it was close and affordable.  I had a sense of relief and hope that this is what I had been waiting for....help.  Out of rehab he looked so handsome and I approached with caution as I had been in therapy while he was away myself.  That first two months I was so happy, everything was going to be fine, and our future dreams were finally going to come true!  Then he "slipped" for the first time and I was devastated.  It wasn't much, just a glass of wine, so I said to myself "this is going to happen from time to time, you know this and are prepared to cope".   Over the last 4 yrs we have dealt with "slips"  quite often and have been in therapy to learn how to handle them.  I stopped going to therapy 1 yr ago as my therapist said I was ready.  My husband was still going to therapy and working on his personal issues, adoption being the biggest.  We were getting by one day at a time, but once a month he would drink for a day or two and get right back on track.  Over the last 5 months, the once a month " slips" got to where they lasted a week and the wine had turned into liquor and peppermint extract.  I was soo scared for him when I saw the first empty bottle of peppermint extract.  Just couldn't believe the addiction was this powerful.  That is when I realized that he needed more help than he was getting and I just felt powerless.  We fought, played the blame game etc just like everyone living in this situation does.  The saddest thing about this is people would often say that he talks about me all the time and that he sure does love me.  He is a wonderful man when the addiction is not in control and that is why this has been soo hard.  He isn't verbally abusive, physically abusive, works hard (when not drinking).  He is everything I could hope for in a husband.  The addiction has killed the man I have loved for nearly 1/2 my life.  I am so angry at this disease for hurting soo many people and just want to know why?  We are all good people who married loving husbands so why is this happening?  We did nothing wrong.  I dropped my husband off at his parents three hours from me two days ago.  Our therapist recommends at least 6mos seperation so that we can both heal and that I need to grieve like I have lost my husband and to take it one day at a time.  I miss the man this disease has taken from me, his touch, his jokes, and the way he used to look at me.  I will get through this, that much I know, but how long will I hurt like this?  My parents have used the word hate when talking about him and been judgemental and harsh.  They don't understand that this is a disease.  They think this is all his fault.  I have seen him bent over crying because he didn't want to drink but couldn't stop thinking about it.  I have too lost trust in my husband because of the lies and the more I read about the disease I know it will always be there.  No matter what happens, the fear of relapse will always be there.  I don't want to live with that fear any longer.  I don't want to find myself 10 yrs from now wishing that I had left.  You would think with the money this country puts into research drugs to cure various diseases that there would be something for addiction, as it costs this country soo much and destroys soo many.  My mind tells me that there is so much more out there and get out of this mess and live, while my heart wants so desperately for a future with the man that I love.  I keep asking what ifs,  but that is only gonna make me crazy.  Anyone going through this or that has gone through please give me the encouraging words that will help.  I know that only time will tell and heal but I don't know if I am going to be strong enough to leave.  He would not try to stop me if that is my decision, not because he doesn't love me, but because he does.  He has often said that I deserved better and shouldn't have to live this way any longer.  He is right but that makes this harder.  I think of him finding someone in the future that will keep him sober and make him happy and wonder why wasn't that person me?  I have done everything I can to help him and now it is up to him.  He does not know that I am thinking of seperating but I don't want to drop that on him until he has completed 1month of his 3 mo treatment.  At least he will have in house support there to help him cope.  Sorry this has been so lengthy, but life changing situations aren't easy.

[shari810]

Hey thanks for replying to my post.
I ordered some books that was suggested on  these posts.  "The easy way to quit drinking. sober and staying that way, eating right to live sober"
I figure it can only do good to read.  After all, I've been abusing my body for a while.  I hope I find some eye awakening facts in these books.
I really want to stay sober this time.  I did try a few times to quit but had no luck, kept picking up after a few weeks. It's really hard to get up the next morning for work at 8 after a pint of Vodka.
I'm now 58 and I need to stop messing around with my life.

And #810 has no significance.

Stay healthy and sober

[Jubilee51]

You did absolutely the right thing.  I left my alcoholic husband 2 months ago with my 5 yr old son.  It was like looking after 2 children.  I did everything for him, in fact I did everything.  My husband was threatening to kill me one minute and then the next was crying like a baby.  All this was happening in front of my son.  I had to leave.  But I too miss him, but I miss the man I married, not the man he is now.  You now have to heal yourself and your children before anything else. I have now distanced myself as much as possible from my husband and am finally finding some inner peace,  I go  to my local Al-Anon meeting and find it very helpful.  The other members have heard it all before and are so supportive.  Please, I know you miss him and probably still love him, I know I do mine, but you can't make him stop unless he wants to, so please put yourself and your children first.  They need you more than he does.  He's an adult and capable of looking after himself.  Al-Anon have taught me to think in a different way. If your thinking about helping him in any way, do the opposite.  You could help him into recovery quicker if you cut him off completely.  This is a very hard thing to do and believe me it breaks my heart to do it, but my husband is now on his way to recovery.  Tough Love is what is required.  But most of all YOU MUST PROTECT YOUR CHILDREN AND YOURSELF.  Take Care and I hope that all goes well for you

Jubilee51 xx

[Jubilee51]

You did absolutely the right thing.  I left my alcoholic husband 2 months ago with my 5 yr old son.  It was like looking after 2 children.  I did everything for him, in fact I did everything.  My husband was threatening to kill me one minute and then the next was crying like a baby.  All this was happening in front of my son.  I had to leave.  But I too miss him, but I miss the man I married, not the man he is now.  You now have to heal yourself and your children before anything else. I have now distanced myself as much as possible from my husband and am finally finding some inner peace,  I go  to my local Al-Anon meeting and find it very helpful.  The other members have heard it all before and are so supportive.  Please, I know you miss him and probably still love him, I know I do mine, but you can't make him stop unless he wants to, so please put yourself and your children first.  They need you more than he does.  He's an adult and capable of looking after himself.  Al-Anon have taught me to think in a different way. If your thinking about helping him in any way, do the opposite.  You could help him into recovery quicker if you cut him off completely.  This is a very hard thing to do and believe me it breaks my heart to do it, but my husband is now on his way to recovery.  Tough Love is what is required.  But most of all YOU MUST PROTECT YOUR CHILDREN AND YOURSELF.  Take Care and I hope that all goes well for you

Jubilee51 xx

[Rileysmama]

My husband finally hit rock bottom after 18 years and I'm done and so are my kids. I'm sad, done and not surprised.

[Rileysmama]

I wrote my first post 3 1/2 years ago and I finally understand moving on. I have never seen him the way I see him now and it saddens me. I'm ok without him and I know that know, but it hurts, I don't miss him anymore, he's sick and I'm sick of taking care of him and my kids trust in me and except what I do for them, with or without dad. It hurts and I'm sad. But it is what it is.

[ibizan]

I know how this feels......but lifes 2 short and precious to allow oneself to be saddled w/the drama of one who refuses to recover.....its coming up on 5 years for me minus my relapsed cocaine x-bfriend!its nice to get to the point where all i feel for him is neutrality!There was so much hurt/pain b4 i arrived at this point...but it is what it is.......and i'm older wiser and stronger cuz of it!GROWTH!:) keep on reaching for it lady!:)

[Rileysmama]

  Thank you everyone who has posted on here in the past 3 years. I've read all your stories and relate all to well. I do find comfort in knowing that I'm not the only one out there dealing with this. I wish none of us had to go through this. I know from years of dealing with my husbands disease that it's not my fault and he's sick and I can survive without him, I've been doing it for years just never really realized it til now.
  I do love my husband, I just don't trust him when he says he's going to change because the outcome is always the same. Saturday night he talked of suicide and can't live like this anymore and admits he's depressed beyond his control and asked for help. So I had his parents come take him to their place so he could detox. It has been hard watching him kill himself with alcohol for so long, but in the process I have gotten stronger and wiser. I'm helping him get into outpatient rehab and he's meeting with a psychiatrist on Monday and tomorrow we're going to our marriage counselor to figure everything else out.
   I will not let him back home to live the way we have lived for so long. I don't recognize him anymore. He told me the other night that over the last three years I've change, I've change? Ok, but he said I've been doing so well, starting my own business, going to school for nursing and going the gym and living life without him. And I realized he was right, I was changing for the better, while he stayed the same. We just became roommates, I stopped taking his **** along time ago and started taking care of me and the kids. I don't know where we stand at this point. I don't know if he is capable of change, even though he wants to. But time goes by anyway, so I know he is safe and I rest better at night knowing that. So I guess my story is once again, to be continued...

[Resd]

My husband is an alcoholic.  We've been together for 13 years.  Recently he left "cause I'm a *****". I was, but I'm so tired of turning a blind eye.  I miss him so much.  He's the sweetest person sometimes.  Part of me wants him to never come back and part of me wants to beg him to come back... I'm so tired.