need an honest opinion

[chikp]

well, i've been in a serious relationship with a serious drinker for nearly 7 years.  he drinks himself to sleep every night and frankly, at this point I hardly notice it any more.  I am so used to seeing those green glass bottles that they've just become part of the scenery.  there are several wonderful things about this person, things that I absolutely love but his drinking frightens me.  we have had arguments about it, it tends to simmer for a while and then boil over two or three times a year.  his defense is "it's his life, his problem and I should mind my own business."  as things are now, he is absolutely right.  he holds down a job, gets himself to work on time every morning and is fully able to support himself.  occasionally we talk about getting married.  my first reaction to this idea is excitement.  that is quickly quelled by dread.  if we get married, then his drinking becomes part of my life and my problem.  i have gotten to the point where settling down and having kids is seeming like a good idea (which is surprising to me - but that is for another forum).  what i don't think is a good idea is bringing a kid into the world with an alcoholic father.  i don't think that would be fair to anyone involved.  he has said that maybe having a kid would motivate him to clean up.  that's not a risk i am willing to take.

he has made some comments (independently) about wanting to drink less.  one of the problems is that he can't imagine his life without drinking and thinks that all of his friends drink as heavily as he does (they don't).  friends have commented to me about his drinking (i've not passed this information on to him) and I just shrug it off.  

all that said, what i am really getting at is this.  do i push the issue of him getting this under control?  do i leave him alone and hope that he comes to it on his own?  do i leave the relationship hoping that that will give him the motivation to clean up?  

[jo929]

dont make the mistake i made i married an alcoholic thought he would change had 3 kids  ended up supporting the kids and him he finally got so violent i had to get out he wont change until he is ready and you are not getting aany younger needless to say he never changed and alcohol took him
                                                          lots luck jo

[ibizan]

Another thing...i do not miss the drama and Jerry springer show BS my x and his family had goin gon in their lives...i think they rather enjoyed it!they can have it and he sure does know....all he wants and can create minus me!i love my freedom and peace!try 2 have a good holiday!

[chikp]

thank you, thank you, thank you.  all three of you said things that i have been saying to myself for years.  today we are going to his parents' (who don't drink - but extended family has 'issues') for christmas.  i think that 2008 is going to be a hell of a year.

[ibizan]

I couldn't say it any better than Uber and working dog is on the money as well.Uber is so right on here!I have been clean/sober 4 24 years.I met this man who I came to love so much....he was clean from cocaine 4 years.He CHOSE to go back to his lifestyle cussing me out all the way.I had to kick his butt to the curb for there was nothing I could do and he didn't want help.They way u describe ur man is deja vu to how mine acted....please heed Ubers advice and ur so right u do not want to put urself thru the misery of his denial about his addiction and God forbid bringing a child in2 the mix......the children suffer.My dayjob is substance abuse counselor and how i see the wives and children suffer!

[working dog]

urber..you must be a morning person...don't have time to read your post but i'm sure it's real good advice...billy

[working dog]

i have seen some relationships where one says to the other...clean up or i'm moving out..and it worked....but not too often...what was his up bring like? the nut doen't fall far from the tree...i think it's a lot harder for folks to control their alcohol that have parents who were drinkers...right now he drinks himself to sleep i wonder if someday he might drink himself to work...i never got that bad..i was having a drink before dinner and then that turned into one before and one after to one before and two after ..it reached a third of a fifth of vodka a night...i still had no idea at all that i had become an alcoholic..my withdrawls were awfull....after a while his drinking will stop you from doing stuff that your going to want to do..i wouldn't get married unless he works his problem out for at least 2 years...the whole thing about whats fair bring a kid into this world ..i just don't know about that one...life isn't fair..good luck..billy

[uberadtx]

What I can say is that at least you see the red flags going up and thats a start.  Its a good thing to question everything about your relationship right now and its a miracle you found this forum.  You will get some strong advice from people who have been where you are and where your boyfriend is.  Listening to them.  Consider what everyone is saying here. Here are some truths about your situation: YOU can't get him sober.  No matter what you do, what you say or what ultimatum you present.  It won't happen.  HE is the only one that can get him sober.  You are on the precipice of making a life decision here otherwise you wouldn't have posted your story.  The options here are not easy because its all tied up in how much you care about this person. But you already know you do not want to live the life he has and if things continue the way they are, you will.  And it will be harder to break free and the consequences will be life altering for you.  However, I am not a pessimist.  I believe in the power of recovery and the ability for people to make the right choices.  You need to seriously consider how much effort you want to put into this relationship because if you stay, things HAVE to change and not just little things.  YOUR entire lifestyle must change even if he continues to drink.  You need to gather support for this type of thing and this will include getting active with Al-anon. You are being directly affected by his alcoholism and Al-Anon can guide you through it.  They are a wonderful resource and a good source of support.  You then need to present this to him like this: "I love you and want soo much for our future but your drinking is making our relationship suffer.  I need to get help to make this work and I need your support. "  You need to put some responsibility on him.  He may fail you, he may get angry, he may not understand but its the way things have to go. You need to educate yourself about alcoholism right now.  He can't help what is going on no matter how much he wants to change it.  He can't change it alone. He will never control his drinking, thats a fact.  Things will get worse.  Maybe not tomorrow or next week or next year but it will get worse.  He can't picture his life without a drink because he doesn't know anything else.  Thats OK.  I don't think there is one addict or alcoholic that could ever visualize themselves without their drug.  I know I couldn't.  I was soo deep in my disease that I couldn't see past what my life was.  And I thought things were fine.  I had a great job, money in the bank, a nice place to live, friends etc. and I had one hell of an addiction.  I wasn't keeled over on the street or homeless but I was emotionally bankrupt and it was that emotional bottom that I hit, that changed my life forever.  I was lucky, I found recovery and held onto it because it was my lifeline.  It can happen for everyone if they want it.  Im not going to lie, its not easy, its not for the faint of heart and its not something that can be done alone.   Initially its a battle but once the smoke clears, its worth it.  Ask him to give up drinking for 90 days and tell him after 90 days of not drinking make a decision as to whether he wants to continue to drink or stay sober.  Its a frightening prospect for him and he will probably balk at it but its time to get busy.  Its time to make choices here.  If he continues to drink the way he does he will die, end up in jail or an institution.  Don't believe me?  Look around, ask the people on this board.  It will happen.  So the both of you have to get busy livnig or get busy dying.  Thats a fact.  Honestly though, did either you or him ever dream that both of your lives would be dictated by Heineken, Becks or whatever? And how DARE they! I would rather be the one in control of my life than the cashier at the liquor store or the distributor of imported beer.