Why did I relaspe?

[mopeymonique]

I've had over 10 years of sobriety and have recently relasped.  My husband who I met thru AA has over 20 years of sobriety.  I met him when I had about 1 year of sobriety,  He has told me he would divorce me if I drank again.
I almost feel a sense of excitement in my hiding my drinking again from him.  I have felt more alive again since I have become so bored with life.  I suffer depression so  I believe I am self medicating also.  I have  so enjoyed reading here on this forum and the wisdom and humor of your posts.  I quess I have missed the mind stimulation of other alcoholics and haven't been to a AA meeting in a long time.  I would like to be a part of your friendship here as I feel so alone a lot of times.

[non_f67]

They don't sell paintings at museums.

[crash2323]

I feel your dissatisfaction with life.  I used to be the life of the party with flashy clothes, guys with fabulous cars and money to spend.  My life now may seem boring by comparison.  No more happy hours, karaoke nights, burning the candle at five ends.  I spend a lot of time alone.  But it is a more content life. I have a boyfriend who loves me.   I read good books.  I, too, quit my job that was horribly stressful.  But with more time, I have been able to produce oil paintings that are selling at a national quality museum.  I play music and practice ballet.  I cook.  I am closer to my family.  No, things are not perfect yet by any means, but I am in counseling and my good days are finally starting to outnumber the bad.  I also suffer from anxiety and depression, but like I said, with some help, things are finally getting better.  I cannot say what is right for you, but I encourage you to explore the options that are out there (it is easy on the internet) and decide what will work for you.  I wish you every happiness and urge you to take a step toward being sober.  It truly is a better life.

[Jaybay]

You know what you have to do.  Get back to AA and back to working the program.  You're not going to figure out WHY you're drinking WHILE you're drinking.

[ibizan]

If ur going to drink why take the meds?taking meds alone is important to build a therapeutic level in the bloodstream.......when u drink u greatly reduce this level leading to more anxiety and depression and alcohol is a CNS-central nervous system depressant.If u want to continue drinking...and it appears that way...the money spent on a psychiatrist and counseling is wasteful.Your husband knows u r drinking...ur only fooling urself here!I know several folks w/ur bi-polar dx who are alcoholic......they do not PURCHASE alcohol or DRINK it!they go to counseling and a support group!A simple program for those who complicate it!

[mopeymonique]

I take Zyprexa and Prozac for my depression which don't seem to be helping a lot.  The Zyprexa makes me feel mellower but causes weight gain.  I Know my meds and alcohol don't mix and wonder if I'm playing Russian roulete.  I was so depressed a month ago I was thinking suicide.  Thats why the drinking has felt so fun for me.
I hate being dishonest with my husband about my drinking and feel it is a matter of time, if I contunue, he will find out.  I do have a lot to loose and I don't want to mess up my life.  I know I need counciling and a good pyschiatrist.  This forum helps me to write my thoughts and try to figure it all out, along with the good advice from all of you who "have been there & done that"

[rpooo]

Hi Monique,
I can sure understand wanting to fight your way out of the depression. Alcohol can sure give you the courage to do things you normally wouldn't do although strangely enough alcohol is a depressant. I assume you take medication for depression such as xanax or lexapro? Also as you probably already know it can be dangerous to drink alcohol with your medication (if you take any).

If it wasn't for your history with alcohol and depression I'd say its funny and have a good time. Instead im concerned because you seem like you have your life put together well and so do you really think this is worth it? Do you see this becoming a problem? Have you thought about counciling for help with the depression?

Randy

[mopeymonique]

I think I might be a little manic right now is the reason why I turned to the alcohol again.
I'm bipolar 2 and I had been in a bad depression for months.  I'm not feeling so depressed but a litle too happy and talkitive.  I usually don't post when depressed as I feel I have nothing to say.

[mopeymonique]

Im like the tought that you want to figure me out.  Let me know what you come up with because I'm baffled.  I have my little buz on now and my husband just got home ha ha its so exciting I have a life of my own going on online,  I think I need a life but its wild and crazy.  I'm so tired of being good and boring.

[rpooo]

Thank you so much Happymonique. I think your right and you are no different :) I will figure you out, I gots my eye bulbs on you he he

[rpooo]

I can sure understand looking for a change of pace. My concern is that 10 years ago you probably had a good reason for quitting. Now it seems like your willing to give that all up along with possibly your marrriage and financial security. This would make a hard road to travel down for anyone. There are many other ways to spark your relationship. Dont put all these things on the line because your bored. I am suspecting something more is going on here?

Randy

[mopeymonique]

To answer your question if its possible of having my mind stimulated by someone who has a more outgoing personality and doesn't drink.  The answer is yes, you have stimulated my mind reading your posts ha ha.  You are funny and a very wise person, a very good combination.

I am so glad you gave up drinking for your health, having cirrhosis. Gods not through with you yet.  He is using you to reach out to others here on this forum sharing your great advice and knowledge.

[mopeymonique]

I think I drink out of boredom and I feel happy and relaxed when I've had a couple drinks.  
So far I have drunk 3 drinks just to get the buzz and stop.

My husband is oblivious and plays his video games while I'm on the computer whith my buzz on.  I really don't want to quit drinking at the moment but just feel it's a matter of time before my husband catches on.  I quit my job in March so I am financially dependent on him.

When I have teased him about us drinking again like champagne for New Years he gets mad at me, not thinking it's funny at all and says he has no desire to drink agian,

I'm glad I found this forum since I've mainly been on the depression forum and that gets depressing ha ha.

[rpooo]

Cheer up mopeymonique and welcome to the Alcoholism Community! Im glad your here since I am bored too! ha ha

So now then, I wonder what you have in mind about this drinking thing? I'm sure you know by now that if you don't put aa stop to it then things will get worse and possibly out of control. Im wondering also and not that it matters but when he said he would divorce you for drinking did you say the same thing back to him?

As far as the mind stimulation do you at all feel you could get the same thing from someone who doesn't drink but maybe just has more of an outgoing personality?

I know I wouldn't mind going to a bar a chatting with a few people and maybe even a drunk guy to make fun of. ha ha I use to have kinda a BIG BIG drinking problem so when I got cirrhosis I quit. (drinking that is) I'm still working on quitting the cirrhosis! I dont have any temtation to drink when im around drunk people so it would be a good time to be able to be as much of an idiot as i want and not be judged for it! So why do you drink?

10 years of sobriety and 9 years of marriage...hrmm
Randy

[Punkinhead75]

Glad yer here and thanks for sharing with us.  Do you want to stop? Have you considered getting back involved with AA?  I don't think that it matters right now why you relapsed.  The important thing now is what are you willing to do to recover?  Best wishes.