king of pain

[sheldonth]

Why would I continue a cycle that means my immenent destruction, with an alcoholic who as this cycle goes full circle, preforms infidelities that make no sense, and self destructs, leaving me destroyed as well, and unable to even function from grief. 25 years I seem to have been an enabler, I am trying to reach out and get the answers I need...its been 1 week since my wife moved in with a guy suddenly. It is known that tequila makes her clothes fall off...but this doesn't start happenening till later in her relapse. Once again I am barely hanging on to a good career, I have a daughter thats 17 and ripped in half three months before graduation, and this suddenly seema so unreal....like a nightmare I'm going to wake up from. I am experiancing feelings of needing her to end this, does she want this guy, he is much younger....but a known alcoholic about town. My wife made statements while drunk, pointing out younger drinking men. I havnt touched alcohol in thirty years, my statement that I have an alcoholic in recovery in the past. My wife in the last year even offered herself to a man with two months to live. Her alcoholic
mother was living with the guy, Most of this is becoming reality now, I just confirmed the information, but my wifes
affair with a married man earlier had no chance of success, yet she did it anyway. This is part of a cycle that happenes during late relapse. I came to a diiferent town 15 years ago , my life was destroyed by scandel, a career as a ranger wasted. I picked myself up some how, got work, and got the kids into school. She finished recovery back then and came home. We ended up buying the house and having 5 or six good years. Over time, her alcoholic
mom and brother followed. My wife was drinking again, and I was watching her ,(die), in my opinion. We had
many more domestic calls, (me), she even stepped out in the street one night and dissapeared into a guys
truck she didnt even know. She came back with her pants torn, and my weddings rings were gone.
  Then I started to realize I was losing her, I thought she would crash and burn, and I would have my chance to save her and us again. Like a dwi, or something. I felt I couldn't force her to get help, just gently ask, during
moments of her sober, which got shorter and shorter. Their were rumours flying of affairs, my wife was telling
me she loved me and lying when I asked if she had ****** someone else again. (This seems typical),
in late stage). I was just going to work, coming home, and remaining very passive, for a year, she made me
do some things in the end, more sex, dirty dancing, I was getting what little more time from her that I could before
an end I knew was coming. Finally, all in one night a week ago, I have a phone in my left ear confirming an affair
with a married man, and a phone in my right ear, with my daughter screaming that mom was ******* a guy
she picked up at the bar in five minutes.
    There is much pain on my end, I think I have figured out that some of the rumours that my wife was given alcohol as a child in the bottle, and saw her parents beat each other. I think after her mom came over, she was triggered into her moms own alcoholic whorelike tendencies. I have been told her mom did the same **** when my wife
was a child. I was only told this recently. I am trying to let go, I know I am supposed to....but cant quite get there,
seems I have 3 struggles,  which are
1) Non drinking enabler- well into the manipulation of an alcoholic spouse.
2) fatherlike guilts instead as well as husband like
3) moral battle, how do I let a soul go and possibly die? especially one I am still in love with?
    seems to be a dark spiritual battle going on here in my mind as well.

I know this **** is bigger than me, my daughter is in shock, but wont admit it, mom is *****, I hate her.
I explained to her that I am an enabler, who struggled to save his alcoholic, and I am having trouble with
hatred, because I feel only great pain, loss, and pity. I am trying to reach out and get help, but can't even maintain order in my brain for more than five minutes. I know I have a divorce to file. A current restraining order which I just
renewed today. I have not been able to communicate with my wife, and I seem to be wanting her to tell me its over, so I can move on, or is this another self destruct, I want to hear her say....I dont love you. You know ...I saw alott
of things I think on court today....I saw anger and refusal in my wifes face....she would not meet my eyes...yeah..
I lose some control of my  dignity...when around her. But she did not fight back. I knew this was my last chance
to ask her to get help, which was also a conditrion of the restraining order. When I left court, I had a restraining order, that barred her from being at the house for a year. Custody of my daughter which is mute, because shes 18 in three months. She wants to party and I am suffering guilt that this is my fault. By the same token, I am proud of her, she doesnt smoke, I do, she's not an alcoholic yet, but has had some trouble with drinking in her earlier teens, and acting out, because her mom was also raped while drunk.
   The rape was another nightmare for me. I ended up persuing the case myself...it probably would have died
had I not persued it. A man is wanted for rape to this day, and I feel justified in this paticular infedilty, because
I know he did rape her while passed out. She woke up underneath him, and I found out later.
I went after his job, his life, and eventually...he ran.
  I have destroyed people in the past as well......they were bad people....I have no remorse.....but why was she
always attracted to people who just wanted one thing, and why did she tease this? Often...with no possible
good outcome for herself.?
I have even almost killed a man when I was very young, during this cycle of hers. Thank god someone with a
level head....was there to give me an excuse to level out myself.
I believe I am a good man, my wife even stated such, as well as angry...your perfect.

At this stage of our sickness, I seem to know I have a wife that I have to let go of....its now a matter of self
preservation for me..but doing it seems impossible in one week. She is staying at the younger bum guys place at time. I wonder if her choice is because he's an alcoholic too? Is this her wanting young stuff as she threatened in
the months prior? Does she even know what shes doing? Is she going to die?
I have a good job, and its stressed from all this, but still salvagable...I have explained the enabler thing to the guys over time, and they know I'm trying to function, but cant do it last two days. I cant sleep, cant eat. High anxiety.
I need to get this divorce going, but relive our marriage everytime I face them.
It seems like as my wife got sicker, she was saying goodbye somehow t0o. Lunch was ready everyday, I never asked for that once, dinner was always done....never asked her to do that either, she just did, and I miss her cooking. I am losing weight fast...lol. We danced to music, and sang together in the this end of us, I cherished it
even while suspicious we were ending. (Been down some of this road before). She said, "I love you" the morning
before everything peaked..it caught my attention: because it wasnt the normal "I love you", I believe it was
heartfelt. She knew I was going to find out about the affairs, and knew her brother was going to call and tell
me. This must have been hell for her. Weve been there before too. Thats when she destructed and picked up
a guy at the bar in less than 20 minutes tops, was under him. There was a message on the phone from her
brother wanting to talk to me...and I knew....because we hate eachother, I called him. and he told me of
the affair in my left ear, while my daughter was screaming on the phone i my right, that mom was screwing
some jerk.


That is all for now.....I

[Nighthawk61]

Beautifully written Sheldon. I'm so sorry for your immense pain, and of course your lovely daughter as well. My deepest condolences to you both.

Sheldon, I think that it was by divine intervention that your life was managed as it was. Poor Heidi, was on a collision course, and somewhere above, the stars conspired to bring you to your new wife and your new life, so you would have the support you needed for a change.

Heidi had so many changes to change her ways, but she chose to stay connected to people that were using, knowing how it would affect her. When i lost my husband (43 years old) i was talking to a doctor about how awful it was that he was so young, and his answer has stayed with me to this day. He said, "He was not young to die, i have babies, kids, teenagers, and young adults die under my care all the time."

My husband was a juvenile diabetic, and I was the drunk. He went into a diabetic coma for over 6 weeks, and everyone had written him off. I was in so much need for him to come back and shelter me, that i actually talked him out of his coma. I remember before he opened his blue eyes, he puckered his mouth into a kiss for me. When I brought him home i could not know that he had made certain plans of the other side. I went in one weekend to do my time for an impaired charge, and at 9pm exactly, i got a vision of my husband having a seizure. I was in solitary, and i remember banging on my cell door, demanding that i use the telephone (the point of solitary  is that these privileges are taking away), but I managed to make a call to my mother to call an ambulance. She never did, but when i got home, i noticed a hospital bandage on the counter and i asked him what that was about. He told me that on Saturday night, at 9pm he was found having a grand mal seizure in the laundry room in the basement of our building. That night, i came out of the bathroom of our 3 bedroom apartment, and I looked down the hall that gave me full view of our living room and the balcony doors. Standing inside the living room was a black man, about 30 years old. He looked about 6 feet tall. I got a huge smile on my face, and i was connected to him with an electricity, and began to run towards him. with my arms outstretched. As I ran, I noticed abruptly that the entire right half of our apartment was totally black. When i looked down to see it, this apparition that i thought was a man completely vanished and when i looked back down the right side of the apartment reappeared. When i had seen the blackness I had screamed and my husband who was in bed, asked me what was wrong. I went in and told him what i'd seen and he told me that he had just woken up and his mother and uncle, (who had passed away) were standing smiling at him from the bottom of the bed. This was not the first time i had been given signs that there is a spirit world beyond out sight, It was  only the beginning of many more circumstances that have given me faith, that being here on earth, is only a part of who and what we are. After my husband passed, I once saw a small, very bright green light in a cupboard, where there was no electricity.  Now, 19 years later, my new husband, told me of the same very intense blue light hovering in our bathroom, where i have some trinkets from my mother , grandmother and son.  In this last year, i was given another sign of life after life. I was in the tub, alone in the house, and there was a very clearly heard coughing, coming from the other side of the bathroom door. I yelled to see if my husband had come home early, but he wasn't home yet. It got me to thinking about the time that i had overdosed and passed out. I was all alone in my little house and i distinctly heard someone coughing in the basement. I woke up enough to call my sister, who told me to call 911 (she never bothered to herself or ask how things went, our family was like that). I was so drugged and drunk, i fell back on  my bed and passed out. I remember sitting straight up in my bed, wide awake, like i had been given a shot of adrenalyn straight to my heart. I jumped up and ran out of the bedroom and came face to face with a husky guy who looked around 27 years old, with big coke bottle glasses. He ran to the back of the house and i could hear him trying to get out the heavily bolted back door, and not being able to do so, running down into the basement from where he had come, obviously to escape through the basement window he had earlier breached to come inside. I ran out of the house and ran directly into him as he was coming out from behind the house. I flagged a car, and got the driver to chase him , but lost him when he ran into the back yard of a neighbour's house. I've often wondered, was the home invader there to take advantage of a drunken girl living on her own, or was he there to save me for myself and for my son? When i heard the coughing outside my bathroom door, it was like i was given my answer.

[sheldonth]

When Heidi died, I felt the most powefull grief Iv'e ever known. It actually can make me pass out, and I'm a muscular man. It can take hold of me while standing in a Walmart line, I just crack and the tears start rolling. All of a sudden, the world isn't as good a place as it was with Heidi. It feels very empty. I'm actually afraid, but I don't know what of. I'm in denial. But Heidi's car is in my driveway, as I told my daughter I wanted to fix it one last time for Heidi. I can be talking away with someone, and all of a sudden I can't talk. Something reminded me of her and I'm overwhelmed. I'm glad I was off work for four weeks. Three days isn't going to get it.

[sheldonth]

I was standing for hours while the coroner did his thing, and the police did their thing. The blood was starting to run down my back. A cop noticed and asked about it. My new wife had just pulled up and put everything together. Get him a chair please, he just had major surgery she said. I sat down. but kept getting up to hold my daughter. I cried in my new wifes arms, over my former wife. This must have been horrific for her. She also held my daughter, whom she barely knew. They were bringing the body out. Luckily, she was fully covered. I told my daughter not to go hold her. as she wanted to say goodbye one more time. I warned her these images are for life. Your mom wouldn't want that. So she backed off and wailed. I wailed. After a few minutes of that. And Heidi's body was gone. I explained to my daughter that its a body. Your mom is gone. You don't need these images honey. Your only 21. My daughter said, "Daddy, my man cheated on me and I was moving in with mom." "But I changed my mind and went back to him." "Daddy, she was all bluish colored the last time I was here", but I didn't know she would die daddy...I feel so guilty." I said, "Honey, I was told along time ago, this is how it would be." I explained to her that medhelp had pepared me somewhat for this. "Please, know my daughter," she suffers no more. No demons, no shakes, no more grief. Even though I told her these things, I am feeling massive guilt myself. I feel I left her to die. I broke her heart. I ignored her end. I was off having surgery. I remarried and killed her. This is too much. It is now destroying my current marriage.

[sheldonth]

The police were going in. We were staying out at this point. But I ran back in. I wailed right in front of the Police. Some of them I had worked with and knew me. I could tell it was a shock to them too. The police liked Heidi even though they knew her demons. They had let her go before. She was that loveable!! I held Heidi one last time. I said goodbye. I was in deep shock. Iv'e seen plenty of people die. Been a first responder too. And a Ranger. But nothing could shield me from this. Finally the coroner arrived. We all had to stay out. I noticed he just stood back and took it all in quietly, I told the police I knew her well and it looked like she may have aspirated in her sleep. But in my mind, I realized she was laying the wrong direction. She usually didn't lay that direction. This would haunt me later.

[sheldonth]

When I got home I was in a lot of pain. Went right to bed. I had bad dreams that night. I will not speak of them. When I woke up the sun was shining for the first time in what seemed like weeks. I thought, I bet Heidi and our daughter can't wait to get tanning. Summer is here, Heidis favorite time. I made coffee, and drank two cups. Took two painkillers for the surgery pain. At about two o:clock I got a phone call. My daughter ws screaming in the phone and not making much sense. But I managed to make out the words "Oh My God Daddy, Momma is dead."  I instantly went into shock. I wasn't supposed to drive with a fresh surgery wound in my back, but I got in my truck and drove over there. I was in a daze on the way. I knew what I was going into, but was in a state of disbelief. I pulled into the driveway, and there was my little girl, all crumpled up next to her car tire, crying. I disregarded her and went into the trailor. There was Heidi. It looked like she was sleeping. But when I touched her, she was cold. I started to wail hysterically. Ohh...Heidi. Ohh Heidi..Oh my god. I got a grip for a second. I looked around the room. I looked at her. She was beautifull as ever. I noted she had her feet up on the couch.In a laying position. Her head was on her right arm like she had layed down. Her left arm still on her side, and outstretched. I smelled her drinking glass. Water. No booze. She did like water while not drinking. Her head was tilted back a little and looking up a little. There was spittle that had run down her cheek. Her tongue protruded just a bit. Almost morbidly cute. I started wailing again. Loud. Never had I wailed like this. Oh Heidi...you finally did it. I kissed her cheek, her forehead, I rubbed her cute little footies. She was so cold. She had been dead for hours. Her long blonde hair in ringlets was shining in the sun. She had dyed it back to blonde sometime ago. It used to haunt me that she would dye it dark brown when in drinking mode, and blonde when in sober mode. I hadn't paid attention to that in a long time. I forced myself to stop wailing and go hold my daughter. All I could say is "It will be o.k." "Shes dead Daddy, bring her back, please bring her back" Daddy pulled a lot of tricks out of his hat for his little girl. But this is one thing I cant do. "I can't honey...she's gone." She cried some more. The police were starting to arrive.

[sheldonth]

Heidi called again on the 21st of march. She said her car battery was dead. One thing I always did was keep her car running. I didn't want her in bad situations with men because she had to depend on them. I visited her that day, and told her I could only do soo much. I was scheduled for surgery tomorrow on my back. Lower spinal herniation at work. I jumped her car and let it charge. I brought my new wife with me, as I didn't want to hide anything from her. Heidi had a hard time waking up and answering the door. I told her the car was fixed. She was crying softly on the couch. We didn't know why. I think she was dying. And giving up. But she just said Thank you, god bless you guys". She was so kind in the end. She didn't hate anyone, had no anger, only love for everyone. But she was very alone. I had to get to surgery, so my new wife drove me to my surgery date. After surgery, my new wife was right there. Ready to be my nurse. I thought about how many times I got hurt and no one was there to help me. This was cool!! Then my new wife got a text from Heidi. She said, "How is your man"? My new wife said , "He is recovering nicely". Then Heidi texted her and said her ex boyfriend was in the same hospital dying from alcoholism. and gave us the room number. We weren't interested in seeing him and didn't check it out. Those were the last words we ever heard from Heidi.