Need to Believe

[Bob185]

Are the promises true? I need something to believe in - i am heartsick over not being with my family and when wife divorced me after 20 years i signed over everything to her out of guilt including 7 years alimony - i feel like my life is on hold for 7 years so she can go out dating and enjoying her "new" life. i need the will to continue, need a cornerstone. any suggestions will be helpful. dont want to turn to the bottle again, that will only make things worse and even though i dont see my kids much anymore which kills me, i want to "be there" for them when i do see them. I hate my life now. I screwed things up big time. My wife was my best friend. I cant see a bright future for myself. Hanging on by a thread.

[Tink70]

Yes, the promises are true.  However, they are the 9th Step Promises!  You have to work the steps, go to meetings, get a sponsor and stay sober one day at a time.  Just don't take that first drink.  Just as the Big Book says they will materialize if we are willing to work for them.....The steps are in the order they are in on purpose and you have to work them in order to see the benefits of the 9th step promises.  Now, that's not to say that some of those promises don't start coming to fruition BEFORE the 9th step - I found this to be true for myself.  " Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly but they will materialize"  As my sponsor has said to me:  Until we work Steps 1-8 and come to understand them and how they apply to our lives and how we should apply them TO our lives then we can not appreciate the Promises!
Life WILL get better! One Day At a Time!  Keep Comin' Back and Just Don't Drink One Day At A Time

[nyychic]

I don't mean to hide from any old friends I just meant build friendships away from the "drinking buddies" or the people you associate drinking with.  I don't think that hiding or being ashamed is the right answer.  

[BANDIDA]

Just wanted to tell you 1st that I REALLY love the name BOB! My dads name is Bob, my sons Name is Bobby, and my new grandson is named Bob, so in my opinion all Roberts are the BEST!! Keep saying that to yourself, you can do this you're moving forward and thats great keep it up all are cheering for you. Just remember that those people who you know that you associated with are in the past, those who really are your friends will stick with you and remain a friend no matter what. Then you'll really know who is and who isn't, and remember you can't have a friend if you don't know how to be a friend.......So go out there and be friends with new people! Terry who loves Roberts

[Bob185]

thank you - i cant hide anymore from the people that knew me "before" though. I had many friends and a a somewhat "high" profile in the communit without sounding that I am all that.  Some were very good friends who i am ashamed to see now. some were fake friends - but i am where i am now. thanks for the post - bob185

[nyychic]

How's it going?  I hope that things are getting a little better.  Time heals all wounds and things will get easier it just needs time.  You must know by now that turning to the bottle isn't an option for you anymore.  You tried that and it brought you to the depression your in today.  You don't want to find out what more it can do to you.  I'm really happy to hear that you are hanging in and aware that turning back to the bottle isn't the answer.  The answer is to slowly move into a life for yourself.  Slowly start putting yourself out there.  You need to start new friendships with people.  People who didn't know the you that drank.  Not that you can't talk to them about it if you want to but you don't want to have to look at people who know your whole situation.  You need to start moving your life it's a little hard at first but the more you build your life around your life insteaad of your disease the rest will fall into place.  I wish you all of the luck in the world.  I hope that you work towards healing your wounds and enjoy the life you have as a sober functioning person in society.  

[VOR]

Stories like this kill me.  It's so sad to see this happen, but you have to know that there is more out there.  It may sound corny, but you can turn your situation into something wonderful.  Get involved in a drug prevention program.  Go and talk to kids who are struggling with drug issues.  Tell them your story and what drinking can lead to.  Get involved in outdoor activities that take up your down time.  When you get time with your kids, spend every minute with them doing things you enjoy.  

Don't get down on yourself b/c your not still together.  There are many people out there who are looking for someone to spend time with.  You need to accept the situation as it is, and move on.  I know it is easy to dispense advice when I'm not the one suffering.  But if you're down on yourself, nothing is going to pick you up.  A line from a song is all I can offer:

We may have precious little, but it's still precious.  

Good luck!  

[jml1986]

My husband I were seperated for 8 years. It was a tough dicission to take him back, but I knew the person I had married and when the alcohol was gone,the person I knew came back. Also, all of our friends are married, and they accepted the situation as it was and then when we worked things out, they did not judge him for his past. In my opinion, you did not have friends if they dropped you after the divorce. I would have never told my friends not to be friends with my husband when we were apart because they were his friends too. I know that my getting back with my spouse is not the norm for relationships that have gone through alcohol problems, but I do not think it is healthy either if all you hear about are the devestating stories. Some people do recover and go on to be happy productive people in life and marriage.

[Bob185]

thanks for posting - the bottom line is that you stayed with your husband - i really dont have anyone - it is hard because most of our friends were married - she still sees some them and sometimes people take sides.

[jml1986]

Your life does not have to be on hold, just because you can't go out and drink does not mean you stop living. There are many things in this world to do that do not require drinking. You just need to get yourself out there.
I worried when my husband quit drinking that we would never be able to go any place or do anything without worrying about him not drinking, but we do. We still hang out with the same friends and we still go out to eat or dancing, we just do it without drinking. I won't kid you, it took a while for him to get comfortable with it, but in time he found that he could still have fun without the alcohol. So, hang it there life will get better.