I'm so done with this anxiety! Argh!

[jlroesner]

Today, like every other day for the last 21 years, I woke up and wondered if today was going to be a "good" day or a "bad" day.  A good day meaning I could be relatively normal, not let my panic attacks control me, be able to talk myself down, be able to eat, be able to sleep, and basically just be free of the old ball and chain (anxiety).  Or would it be a bad day?  The kind of day where out of nowhere your assaulted with symptoms beyond your control, everything is a reason to be terrified, and you watch the disappointment blossom on your loved ones faces as you state that you are not leaving the house today.  And so, again, I think to myself; what would it be like to control this horrid illness?  This illness that no one can really understand unless they live with it.  This illness that steals you from your family and friends, you job, your very self.  What would it be like to just decide, I'm done.  I'm finished anxiety.  I'm through with nights where I never sleep more than 2 hours at a time only to awake in a panic, I'm through with hot faces, upset stomachs, headaches, dizziness, blurred vision, chest pains, choking feelings, trembling, sore necks, headaches, and nausea.  I'm done.  I wonder what it would be like to be done with which foods "seem safe" and be able to eat something based on what I enjoy or don't enjoy.  What would it be like to go to a restaurant and not be afraid?  What would it be like to say yes to my kids, yes, I'll come to your play.  Yes, I'll have a parent teacher conference.  Then actuall show up.  What would it be like to hold my husbands hand because I love him and enjoy being close to him NOT because he is my lifeline?  What if there were no what ifs?  What if diseases didn't scare me?  What if cars didn't terrify me?  What if I didn't want to go to work because I wanted to play hooky and have fun not because I couldn't get over my fear of being in a car?  What if I did have fun?  Do I even remember joy?  What if I could go to church and not spend every minute in my own personal hell?  What if I was good enough?  What if I was "normal" and my greatest fear was whether or not I got a promotion or if I could pay the electric bill?  What if instead of dreading my college graduation because I will hate to sit there in the crowd of graduates trapped, I felt accomplished for finally graduating after years of coping with panic in a classroom?  What if I could just get up out of my bed and go for a walk?  Or a drive on a Sunday afternoon?  Or have a glass or a bottle of wine without being afraid?  Thats the world I dream of...

[DJ873]

i agree alison, mediation and exercise and probably the best things we can do for ourselves

[Alisonj29]

Its hard to believe but we have control over this. Its our minds creating this craziness. We just need to retrain them to positive thinking. we have to not let our negative anxious thoughts win all the time. Problem is when we focus on trying not to be anxious that gives our mind power over it. Time spent thinking about it at all is time that our mind will work against us. I had had medication after medication, doctor after doctor and therapy after therapy. But I am the only one that can change this. Not to say that none of the above cannot help me along the way but when it boils down to it we are the ones that can break the chain.
Meditation I am learning is an incredible tool. It takes awhile to get used to especially for an anxious mind, but when it works and you are able to calm your mind it is amazing. Add in daily exercise to get endorphins flowing and a general sense of well being and truly taking care of you. We all need to take care of us. Every single day. Read up on mindfulness, get a massage, take a yoga class, just do positive things for you!
Plus a good support system, whether its your family or even this forum. To have people that are going through what you are every day is comforting and reassuring. Come in here when you are feeling bad and talk, rant, do whatever you need. I do my best to check in here as much as possible. If you want to add me as a friend please do so, Remember you are not alone and we CAN and we WILL beat this

[DJ873]

you put down my whole world into your writing, i am your twin with one exception, i blessedly sleep at night. I am getting so much out of a combo of books, Ekhardt Tolle, taming the gremlin in your head, and feel the fear and do it anyway. While I find myself going back to my "usual" thought road, i am learning to notice the triggers and am hopeful that thru greater understanding I can find peace. You are educated so i am guessing you like i get that there is a path our brains take that turns our thoughts to something out of a horror movie. I used to wake daily in the same mode, good vs bad, now i do something right when i wake up, in my left hand (my dominate) i say my strengths, capable, smart, loving, determined, etc then pick one challenge like fear of driving or being crazy or whatever, then put my dominate over my right hand and just hold and rub and let the strengths absorb  the negative, sounds kinda simple and maybe silly but may day generally starts out better, then i sit or stay laying and do nothing but notice my breathing. I put my hand on my chest and try not to make it move but breath clear down in my belly and try to notice it in my fingers and toes and all over my body. I do that when going to bed too and those are the most peaceful times of my day, at some point at night just focused on breathing i fall asleep. no more trouble falling asleep and its been many days like that.
Just last night i was playing the dance game on the wii with a neighbor and of course when i get warm and fast heart beat i start the omg crap of passing out, heart attack, etc. I acknowledged the thoughts, reminded myself that thought doesn't make it real, can't hurt me, and did a couple more songs just to prove it to myself, then gave myself permission to be done and be ok with that decision.
I too get sooooo frustrated and angry that I let this rule my life yet i do and for now and giving myself permission to feel what i feel and try to notice without analyzing and judgement, that is a huuuugggee order but i know what i had been doing wasn't working.
I told my therapist, I don't know what to do with myself now even if i could do it, i have been suffering so long i don't even know anymore what i want to do. That is my frustration right now.
my daughter plays flute for the high school and loves drama. I go to her performances and half the time have to leave the auditorium and go stand at the back to watch as i can't stand the thoughts when i am in a crowded room. My bubble has become a source of jokes with my group of friends, lol.  Wow i have rattled on alot but if you can pull even one piece that gives you some peace, that would be awesome.
if you have any pointers please share them with me as well k???

[cheshchesh819]

How about you firstly stop thinking what if as you said you indulge yourself in the vicious circle of doubt and horrible thoughts, you are so down on yourself by saying you are not good enough when you truly are,we all live with the questions how why what if bu,but we all somehow HAVE to do it,have you been to a theripist about all these issues you are having?You have to make strong determined sense of you and your actions and the choices you make will be the life you will live,so as hard as it may be dont wake up thinking what if,wake up saying this is what i am going to do today focus on it and try your hardest to do it,it wont be easy and it wont happen over night but with the love of your family and the support of therapy and a strong will you can and will break this horrible illness,be the person you want to be,we are all here on med help to listen whenever you need us.