My boyfriend of several years has two girls, age 7 and 9. We live together sand have the girls have time, and they are with their mom and her female partner (who are lovely and live nearby) the other half.
The 9 year old, up until a month before her 9th birthday, started refusing to stay in her bed at night, wanting to sleep with us. We let it go a night or two, with the excuse of bad dreams, but then it became every night. No good. So over a few months (at my inststence) we moved her to the living room sofa, then the floor in a sleeping bag (which she had to roll up and put away each morning. She eventually made it back up to her bed, where we read and cuddle with her and her sister every night.
Then she started pulling out her hair. Just a little at first, so we could comb it over without a fuss. We brought her to a counselor and gave her some coping tools. But she gave herself hoorible bald patches and when her mom brought her in for a short summer cut, hoping that might break the habit, the best the stylist could do was shave her head. We went hat shopping, and her dad and I cut our hair short for the summer. We told her she wasn't in trouble and that we loved her just like her mom did and we'd figure it out together. Even her little sister has been kind and hardly teased her.
Her hair is growing in now, but she still picks at it and I'm troubled for her. Counseling has not seemed to make a difference. And to make matters worse, she's manipulated her dad to staying with her on her bed every night until she falls asleep. If he doesn't, or if she wakes up at night and she's not there, she's back in our room again.
She's never closed the bathroom door to use the toilet and insists on using whichever one is closest to other people in the house (her sister does not have this habit). Today was the last straw, when she needed to take a shower, and refused to take one unless her dad took it with her. SHE Is 9 YEARS OLD and has insisted her mom buy her TRAINING BRAS but wants to take showers with dad.
I am beside myself. She's a lovely girl otherwise, funny and sweet and does well in school. I want to help her through this rough patch. But I can't deal with the showering with dad and the ooen-door toilet use. Dad's a bit of a hippie, boxer shorts around the house kind of guy, and sees no problem with the showering because she's just a kid (a kid wearing training bras). He says I'm being uptight and can't come in and try to change his and his ex's parenting style just because I have a "moral objection."
I am sick at heart and don't know what to do. We have been together quite a while and love the firms deeply, but he and I are not married and I do not get a say in the raising of them. I am miserable and want to know how to help this little girl back on track with a life where she feels competent, can self- soothe when stressed, and sleep and shower alone - and not go through 4th grade wearing a hat everyday because she's embarrassed to be bald. I am hoping someone here has a kind word or two to share. Thanks.