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HIV Anxiety
I'm a gay male and I would like to have some support and advice. I'm experiencing mild to severe anxiety for more than a week now due to the following exposures:
1. Two years ago I engaged in condom protected anal sex with another male, I was the insertive partner. Then I received unprotected oral sex from him.
2. A year ago I had unprotected oral sex where I was the insertive partner on two occasions.
3. Six weeks ago I engaged in condom protected anal sex with the same guy from two years ago. I received unprotected oral sex from him, and I ejaculated in his mouth. I'm concerned about this guy, since he's having sex with multiple partners and likes to oral sex with ejaculation in his mouth.
4. Three weeks ago I performed condom protected oral sex on another guy. I insisted on using a condom for oral sex, due to my dental issues, which he complied. But he didn't want to use a condom when he gave me a **.
I'm having issues with my possible risks. I know I shouldn't worry, but my anxiety is getting the best of me. I know the root cause of this is guilt because I cheated on my partner because of anger and revenge.
I'm sorry to bug you again with this concern, I would like to know how I can cope better with my anxiety whilewaiting to get tested. I already contacted my local gay organization which also provides counseling and arranges testing for at risk males.
Thank you for your time.
1. Two years ago I engaged in condom protected anal sex with another male, I was the insertive partner. Then I received unprotected oral sex from him.
2. A year ago I had unprotected oral sex where I was the insertive partner on two occasions.
3. Six weeks ago I engaged in condom protected anal sex with the same guy from two years ago. I received unprotected oral sex from him, and I ejaculated in his mouth. I'm concerned about this guy, since he's having sex with multiple partners and likes to oral sex with ejaculation in his mouth.
4. Three weeks ago I performed condom protected oral sex on another guy. I insisted on using a condom for oral sex, due to my dental issues, which he complied. But he didn't want to use a condom when he gave me a **.
I'm having issues with my possible risks. I know I shouldn't worry, but my anxiety is getting the best of me. I know the root cause of this is guilt because I cheated on my partner because of anger and revenge.
I'm sorry to bug you again with this concern, I would like to know how I can cope better with my anxiety whilewaiting to get tested. I already contacted my local gay organization which also provides counseling and arranges testing for at risk males.
Thank you for your time.
Best Answer
nursegirl is right. I'll make an appointment tomorrow with my regular GP and tell her what's been going on, and if she can refer me to a psychologist or psychiatrist.
BTW, my test came back negative, 14 weeks after 1 April 2014, 9 weeks after 7 May 2014. Why I am still not at peace is something I have to find out. But I'm flooded with issues.
BTW, my test came back negative, 14 weeks after 1 April 2014, 9 weeks after 7 May 2014. Why I am still not at peace is something I have to find out. But I'm flooded with issues.
IF you had had a risk (which we've already covered that you didn't)....you would have tested + by now. No question about it.
I sincerely hope that you will be able to move on and put this behind you after your 12 weeks - test, but I fear you won't. You've fueled your anxiety and catastrophic thinking so much that it's possible not much will convince you. We see that all the time...hence why I keep pushing for you to get professional help.
I sincerely hope that you will be able to move on and put this behind you after your 12 weeks - test, but I fear you won't. You've fueled your anxiety and catastrophic thinking so much that it's possible not much will convince you. We see that all the time...hence why I keep pushing for you to get professional help.
Took an antibody test today which was 14 weeks after the exposure I'm most worried about. I miscalculated the last time I got tested. It wasn't 6 weeks, but 8 weeks after exposure. So today it will be 14 weeks. I had the test done at a private clinic and I'll receive the results in 6 hours.
I think that at 8 weeks the test is not 95% but close to 99%.Combine that with the fact that you didn't have a risk for hiv as everybody here sais and you will find your answer.I did not have a risk either,but I do fear the resault.I am going to wait until 7-8 weeks and I am going to have the test.If its negative I am going to accept it.Be aware that if you had an acute hiv infection it would not make its apearence at 7 1/2 weeks and if your ''sympoms'' was due to ars your test would propably be possitive.Thinking about hiv and fearing about hiv does not make you hiv+,only test will make you hiv+ and your test is negative.So if you want wait for 12 weeks but untill then...you are negative.
I been telling my self the same thing for two days mate. The test is telling me im not HIV positive . at 7 1/2 weeks for me.. and some how the other part of my brain fights me saying what if what if im the 5% of the people who seroconvert ..
I still have some rashes that come and go. but i have used some cream mosturizer and its helping. think my stress is making my skin dry .. who knows maybe its not but it helps me thinking thats the reason.
I feel were you are coming from as i am in the same area as you . a 95% accuracy test and now is waiting for the rset 4.99% at 12 weeks.. do we really need to do this .. every one i spoke to say i am at no risk..do we really neeed to torture our selfs .. will 12 weeks test come back negative and we will be able to pass this nightmare and never look back.. God I hope so. but I cant tell you we will be cause i dont know .. I guess we have to have faith .. and i am not religious
I still have some rashes that come and go. but i have used some cream mosturizer and its helping. think my stress is making my skin dry .. who knows maybe its not but it helps me thinking thats the reason.
I feel were you are coming from as i am in the same area as you . a 95% accuracy test and now is waiting for the rset 4.99% at 12 weeks.. do we really need to do this .. every one i spoke to say i am at no risk..do we really neeed to torture our selfs .. will 12 weeks test come back negative and we will be able to pass this nightmare and never look back.. God I hope so. but I cant tell you we will be cause i dont know .. I guess we have to have faith .. and i am not religious
Man,the fact that you had a negative test and that your partner is understanding are both phantastic news and you should CELEBRATE those 2 big wins!!! Instead of thinking what if for the test..think how much better is the possition you are today..than the possition you where a few days ago..not knowing.You should not be thinking what if the test is a false negative because thats just not true,you should think what if...the test was positive...and then thank god it is not...and you can find your peace at least.You have a second chance... its only in your power to decide when you want that second chance to start!
You've explained very well where the anxiety in these situations comes from....guilt, remorse, regret. That's what you need to work through, so you can move on, putting this behind you once and for all. You do NOT have HIV...I would take blood from you TODAY for my own children, that's how confident I am.
So, I've finally confessed to my partner about my cheating. We talked it over, and he didn't seem angry. But it's been two days since we haven't really talked to each other, except for general matters.
I have this other problem of accepting the test results and making me anxious to repeat the test. Even though my risk was very low, and they told me the tests are reliable in this time frame. In the morning I tremble, which got me to the point of yelling at myself to move on, to accept what happened. I also feel very sad about what I've done.
I have this other problem of accepting the test results and making me anxious to repeat the test. Even though my risk was very low, and they told me the tests are reliable in this time frame. In the morning I tremble, which got me to the point of yelling at myself to move on, to accept what happened. I also feel very sad about what I've done.
I think I've been worrying myself to sickness. I woke up this morning with a tight chest or pressure in my test. I've been telling myself this whole day, that I'm fine and the test is a good indication I don't have HIV. I even called the clinic where the test were made and they told me the result is reliable even in that time frame.
Yet I don't know what else is bothering me. I seem to understand and know about the (extremely) low risk, the nurse and my GP even told me about it, however I feel compelled to repeat the test at 12 weeks, and that kinda makes me anxious.
But I try to control myself. I hope tomorrow I'm better and I must move on. I have a final exam coming which determines my future career.
Yet I don't know what else is bothering me. I seem to understand and know about the (extremely) low risk, the nurse and my GP even told me about it, however I feel compelled to repeat the test at 12 weeks, and that kinda makes me anxious.
But I try to control myself. I hope tomorrow I'm better and I must move on. I have a final exam coming which determines my future career.
Man thats very good knews! I am really glad that you made it out of it!! 6 weeks and 5 days is almost 7 weeks...I think that you can allready consider your self hiv NEGATIVE! Test at 12 weeks but I think that your test now really tells you your status.I am glad I was able to help you and I thank you for your reply's to my problem too! Take care man and I hope you will never have to use this forum never again!
Well, I finally received news, my tests were negative. The exposure I was most concerned about was about 6 weeks 5 days at the day of testing. The other exposure was brief oral sex with no ejaculation at 3 weeks, but my GP and the nurse at the health department said that risk is negligible.
Though I'm optimistic, I plan to have a follow-up test at 12 weeks for extra reassurance and also because I have other health issues to be addressed in the coming months. And it is good to know my status before that. I also plan to work on myself and my relationship.
All the best, mate. Despite being in a similar situation, you are an excellent advice giver. Thank you so much for your support. I hope you also had good news.
Though I'm optimistic, I plan to have a follow-up test at 12 weeks for extra reassurance and also because I have other health issues to be addressed in the coming months. And it is good to know my status before that. I also plan to work on myself and my relationship.
All the best, mate. Despite being in a similar situation, you are an excellent advice giver. Thank you so much for your support. I hope you also had good news.
The time that I have to lie in my bed and relax and try to sleep is defenately the worst.Just me alone with me guilt fear and silence.What a nice picture that must be.I think that 6 weeks is a very good time to test.Where I live the official advice of the 'cdc' of my country is to test 6-8 weeks for a cocnlusive resault.I wish you the best of luck mate.Don't give up.
Thank you, man.
I believe you're right. This morning I almost had a breakdown on that "what if" thought. I frantically searched online for exposures as "frottage, rubbing, possible penetration", only to feed my anxiety.
Logic tells me, that my first attempt at penetration with a condom failed, and I even doubt there was a full penetration in the first place. I'm having trouble maintaining an erection that's why the last years I've mostly limited myself to mutual masturbation, oral sex and frottage. So when penetration with a condom failed when there was plenty of chances (bend position, pressure. lubrication) for that to happen, imagine just rubbing on his cheeks, near anus without condom with a weak erection. But it's hard to convince this paranoid and anxious mind.
I've done what nursegirl said, I cooked, cleaned, washed the car, did some gardening, it helped me calm down a bit. These past days, I feel most calm and thinking more clearly after 4pm, does that happen to you too? I feel most anxious and on edge between 8pm to 2pm. However I also seem to get depressed feelings, flasbacks and thoughts of self-harm.
My tests are supposedly due tomorrow (it takes 6 days or more). The tests were done at 6 weeks 5 days, and from what I read it would be a good indicator if negative. I wasn't able to get counseling because our local health department was closed for the holidays, and service will be resumed tomorrow. Yet I was able to talk to the counselor of the local gay organization who told me that these feelings come from guilt.
I believe you're right. This morning I almost had a breakdown on that "what if" thought. I frantically searched online for exposures as "frottage, rubbing, possible penetration", only to feed my anxiety.
Logic tells me, that my first attempt at penetration with a condom failed, and I even doubt there was a full penetration in the first place. I'm having trouble maintaining an erection that's why the last years I've mostly limited myself to mutual masturbation, oral sex and frottage. So when penetration with a condom failed when there was plenty of chances (bend position, pressure. lubrication) for that to happen, imagine just rubbing on his cheeks, near anus without condom with a weak erection. But it's hard to convince this paranoid and anxious mind.
I've done what nursegirl said, I cooked, cleaned, washed the car, did some gardening, it helped me calm down a bit. These past days, I feel most calm and thinking more clearly after 4pm, does that happen to you too? I feel most anxious and on edge between 8pm to 2pm. However I also seem to get depressed feelings, flasbacks and thoughts of self-harm.
My tests are supposedly due tomorrow (it takes 6 days or more). The tests were done at 6 weeks 5 days, and from what I read it would be a good indicator if negative. I wasn't able to get counseling because our local health department was closed for the holidays, and service will be resumed tomorrow. Yet I was able to talk to the counselor of the local gay organization who told me that these feelings come from guilt.
I am in the same boat as you man.Nothing good comes of thinking ''what if''. When you start thinking that you end up creating stuff with your mind that wasn't even there.Best way for to control thouse thoughts is to try to think as a third person on this.What random person would have to say about that? I think that it would say that you were completely protected since you wear a condom.Best of luck.
"How can I control these "what if" thoughts? "
That's where therapy is valuable. A therapist will teach you ways to dismiss those thoughts rather than feeding into them. I also recommend that you pick up a book or two, to start learning more about the anxiety thought cycle and things you can do.
The one book I recommend to everyone is "The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook" by Edmund Bourne. It's set up very much like a textbook, with exercises and interactive assignments that are very helpful. Here's a list of resources, there are tons of books to choose from. Pick up two to start with. ANY book by Claire Weekes about anxiety would also be very helpful.
Anxiety resources:
http://www.medhelp.org/health_pages/Mental%20Health/Anxiety-and-Panic-Resources--Books--Websites--Self-Help-Programs/show/1285?cid=60
(Print the list out, and choose a few books to start with, and then mark ones you think would be helpful after you finish the first ones. I cannot stress how helpful it is to get a self help book)
So, get yourself set up with therapy, buy a few books, and in the meantime, the best thing to do in those circumstances where the "what if" thoughts are running rampant is to DISTRACT yourself. Do anything but sit around and think. Clean something, go for a walk, "busy work", like cleaning and organizing is a good activity to keep your mind from going back into the "what if" cycle. Exercise is also very helpful for anxiety. Also, remember this phrase (said often by the wise Lizzie Lou on the HIV forum)..."FEAR IS NOT FACT". That's SO true. "What if" thoughts are VERY seldom based in fact and rational thought.....replace those thoughts with FACTS, like you outlined that you did above.
Hang in there.
That's where therapy is valuable. A therapist will teach you ways to dismiss those thoughts rather than feeding into them. I also recommend that you pick up a book or two, to start learning more about the anxiety thought cycle and things you can do.
The one book I recommend to everyone is "The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook" by Edmund Bourne. It's set up very much like a textbook, with exercises and interactive assignments that are very helpful. Here's a list of resources, there are tons of books to choose from. Pick up two to start with. ANY book by Claire Weekes about anxiety would also be very helpful.
Anxiety resources:
http://www.medhelp.org/health_pages/Mental%20Health/Anxiety-and-Panic-Resources--Books--Websites--Self-Help-Programs/show/1285?cid=60
(Print the list out, and choose a few books to start with, and then mark ones you think would be helpful after you finish the first ones. I cannot stress how helpful it is to get a self help book)
So, get yourself set up with therapy, buy a few books, and in the meantime, the best thing to do in those circumstances where the "what if" thoughts are running rampant is to DISTRACT yourself. Do anything but sit around and think. Clean something, go for a walk, "busy work", like cleaning and organizing is a good activity to keep your mind from going back into the "what if" cycle. Exercise is also very helpful for anxiety. Also, remember this phrase (said often by the wise Lizzie Lou on the HIV forum)..."FEAR IS NOT FACT". That's SO true. "What if" thoughts are VERY seldom based in fact and rational thought.....replace those thoughts with FACTS, like you outlined that you did above.
Hang in there.
I'm still waiting for my test results, which are due Monday. To ease the anxiety I was first given two tablets Lorazepam so I could do the test. Then I went to my regular GP and I asked for something for my anxiety and I explained my situation. I was prescribed Temazepam.
Yesterday and today my mind was playing tricks on me again and I felt a sudden surge of anxiety and "what ifs". I was rehashing one encounter where my penis was rubbing against a guy's butt without a condom. My anxious mind told me "what if actual penetration happened?" Then I considered some facts that made it impossible for that to happen. If some penetration happened I would have felt it, which I didn't and I only felt some rubbing. When I attempted penetration with a condom, my erection was already weakening, which made it the whole act unsuccessful. Then after I took off the condom and rubbed against his butt, I was already going limp, so actual penetration could not be successful.
However, I felt a surge of anxiety again. I called the guy and talked about what happened and he got very angry that I was asking him again about details. Then I called a counselor of the local organization to tell him what happened.
It was a frightening afternoon, I felt difficulty breathing and I started sweating. This morning I woke up with the same thoughts and I tried some exercises to ease it.
How can I control these "what if" thoughts?
Yesterday and today my mind was playing tricks on me again and I felt a sudden surge of anxiety and "what ifs". I was rehashing one encounter where my penis was rubbing against a guy's butt without a condom. My anxious mind told me "what if actual penetration happened?" Then I considered some facts that made it impossible for that to happen. If some penetration happened I would have felt it, which I didn't and I only felt some rubbing. When I attempted penetration with a condom, my erection was already weakening, which made it the whole act unsuccessful. Then after I took off the condom and rubbed against his butt, I was already going limp, so actual penetration could not be successful.
However, I felt a surge of anxiety again. I called the guy and talked about what happened and he got very angry that I was asking him again about details. Then I called a counselor of the local organization to tell him what happened.
It was a frightening afternoon, I felt difficulty breathing and I started sweating. This morning I woke up with the same thoughts and I tried some exercises to ease it.
How can I control these "what if" thoughts?
I went to the Department of Contagious Diseases and did HIV, Syphilis and Hepatitis test. The nurse told me that I should be fine, considering I was the insertive partner during oral sex and condoms were used during anal sex. Results are due on Monday. And they are really conservative regarding safe sex.
We discussed my behavior, and I might return for a session of counseling.
We discussed my behavior, and I might return for a session of counseling.
I'll have my testing and my counseling this morning at the Public Health-Department of Contagious Diseases.
This is for risk assessment, testing and addressing issues, in the hopes of lowering my anxiety and guilt feelings. I'll give you an update.
This is for risk assessment, testing and addressing issues, in the hopes of lowering my anxiety and guilt feelings. I'll give you an update.
You did the right thing by seeking out counseling. It's good that you realize that some of the behavior you've engaged in puts you at risk which means the next step is making moves to stop taking such risks. Another good thing is that you realize what may be the root of your behavior. Counseling should help in sorting out some of the problems you are up against such as the anxiety. Having some testing done should alleviate some of your anxiety and allow you to move forward. Take care.
Just called the local gay organization and I might be scheduled for counseling and testing on Tuesday. Anxiety has taken over my body. I have trouble breathing and eating, and thinking rationally.
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Now, the standard recommendation is for sexually active people to have routine STD testing, including HIV annually. Sometimes, docs will recommend that folks in a higher risk group (ie men having sex with other men, IV drug users) test more frequently, like every 6 months.
With HIV, it's VERY easy....the ONLY activities that would ever lead to possible infection are unprotected insertive sex (vaginal/anal...oral is not a concern) OR sharing of IV drugs/drug works. That's IT! Easy, right?
I think going for counseling is a great idea. You need to learn how to dismiss these anxious "what if" thoughts and be able to focus on the actual information. Fear is not FACT!
Good luck to you!