fear of gossip fuels my anxiety

[suzychapstic]

I have had SO many examples come to light of how I worry about what people can say about me.  I try to be perfect and am almost perfect...but I still can imagine the gossip mean people could spread, then others may form an incorrect opinion of me.  How do I stop?  At this rate no one needs to gossip about me because I paralyze myself with imagining the awful things they can say...

A few examples: I did a favor for a friend who was down.  I let him store things in my garage.  After 6months I needed him to move it for the arrival of my parents and their winter storage needs.  I spent 2 months trying to get in touch and he finally came the day before the deadline and got one load in a uhaul, promised to come back, but never did.  I STILL BEAT MYSELF UP BECAUSE I THREW EVERYTHING AWAY OR DONATED IT TO CHARITY.  

My mother got in a fight with my best friend.  I uninvited my bf to a dinner because I knew how awful it would be on this family special occasion.  I FEEL SO GUILTY FOR UNINVITING MY BF, ALTHOUGH I WAS REALLY JUST PROTECTING ALL OF THEM FROM ANOTHER FIGHT AND PAINFUL ENCOUNTER.  

How do I just convince my anxious mind that it's ok?  I made the best decision I could.  I will over talk it to my bf, or I will ruminate on the issue and wonder what others think...what does it look like that I threw everything out?  What must he say about me?  I don't want to care anymore...

[suzychapstic]

Amazon $7...I have read him before.

[suzychapstic]

I will look it up right now, thanks!

[erin626]

I bought a book called "smart women know when to say no"

I really think you could benefit from it. It really helped me stop feeling guilty over decisions I knew I had to make. If you can find it I highly recommend it.

[RubyWitch]

What you just disclosed about your mother speaks volumes about how you got where you are!
It all fits now.
But digging out from under what some parents have dumped on their children often requires professional help. I'm glad you understand that for you, this step in your recovery is essential.
It would be great if you could initially see a therapist more than once a month, but the two of you will soon learn how to make the very most of each session. It's far better than no therapy at all.
I wish you the very best and hope you will let us know how you're doing.
Peace
Greenlydia

[suzychapstic]

Thank you for your input.  Have you ever heard anyone say that they try to be perfect so nothing sticks to them.  When I grew up my mother has some mental health issues and so she would randomly accuse me of all kinds of things, so I had to do everything exactly right so I knew I wouldn't actually be guilty.  I can only see a counselor at a clinic once a month because of the cost, but you are right a good therapist is essential.    

"I think you DO want to care, you just want to stop feeling guilty and overwhelmed with worry about what other people will think of you. I think that's a far better goal than trying to be perfect. At least it's actually attainable. " ...how?  any suggestions

[RubyWitch]

That you find yourself "almost perfect" is..........well, just a tad narcisitic. Have you never heard the saying that "nobody is perfect?" Happens to be true.
You ask how you can stop, but I'm unsure just what it is you want to stop. If it's your irrational goal to be perfect, therapy would be my first suggestion.

I don't understand why you are beating yourself up over the "friend" who took advantage of your generosity in letting him store stuff in your garage. You gave him plenty of notice that he needed to get his stuff out. He finally picked up one load but never came back. While you had a couple options to deal with this, what you DID do was perfectly understandable. I think you had been more than fair and patient than many of us would have been, but when he didn't return, did you call him and give him the ultimatium that anything not picked up within the next 24 hours would be sent to the Goodwill? Even if you didn't speak to him in person but only left a message, you at least would have made the attempt which exonerates you from any guilt.

As for univiting your bf from the family dinner, how did she take that? Did she understand your motive for the "uninvite?" If it was your mother who initiated the fight, I'd think your bf would have happily uninvited herself. Was this fight so terrible that the three of you couldn't have talked things out? Without more details about the fight and the relationship between your bf and your mother, I don't know what else to say. If you honestly feel you did the right thing, explain yourself, if you must, then let it go.

You are definitely suffering from guilt overload because the world and relationships are not perfect no matter how hard we try to make it so.
By all means talk this over with your bf, tell her you thought you'd made the right decision but if she disagrees, discuss it. Maybe you owe her an apology? Don't be afraid of what she thinks of you..........ask her and then deal with it.
What does it look like that you threw your "friends" stuff out? It looks like you let him store his stuff there for a good long time, gave him plenty of notice that your folks needed the space and he flaked out on you, and you did what just about any of would have done. Being "perfect" doesn't mean being a doormat.........and HE is the one who should be concerned with what YOU think of HIM!

I think you DO want to care, you just want to stop feeling guilty and overwhelmed with worry about what other people will think of you. I think that's a far better goal than trying to be perfect. At least it's actually attainable.
I hope you seriously consider therapy for these issues. I think you are a good, kind and caring person, but your self-image is bit skewed.
I wish you the best
Peace
Greenlydia