HELP ME REGAIN MY SANITY

[deejay417]

I just read Mary-Lou's story while surfing the net for answers to the same question and her story is so similar to mine. I would really be interested to know how things are going for her now as she posted this story in 2008. I cannot imagine that at 65 yrs old I would be sitting at 5am in the morning looking for answers to a problem with my SON who is 42yrs old!!!   But like Mary Lou my story is much the same re early years and marriage disolving for very valid reasons and making a new and wonderful life but whatever my sons failures within himself - relationships, career or personal achievements he has directly and indirectly blamed me for all these things and I have suffered his verbal and written abuse over the years to the point where he had me believing it - he took pleasure in embarrassing me and talking down to me whenever he could and then he met his partner with whom I have 2 amazing grandchildren and thank her every day of my life for them. My son and her are in the same career line and have the same mindset and attitude and hence she feels justified now in verbalising her opinions and thoughts and has put herself on a pedestal as the 'ultimate peace-maker' but really she is a control freak,and has incensed the situation to the point that we are now distanced from them - she has attitude and an ego that is enormous, it is her way or no way and if you cross her or dare to offer back an opinion or just stand up for yourself - she punishes you with veiled threats, henious words and always ends by saying - "I dont dislike you I just have NO respect for you" but have a nice life.......I would add that she is 38yrs old.  The last contact I had with my son was a rather unpleasant phone call - he again talked 'down to me' as though I was a child - and my fuse finally broke and I told him to 'get lost' or words to that effect. I just had enough of their joint verbal abuse which was bordering on 'mental abuse'.

She felt she had the right to speak to me the same because my son had - whatever reasons or lies he may have told her enforced this situation,  also she told us that we do not fit her picture of what perfect 'grandparents' should be towards our grandhchildren - but her parents are 'exemplary' examples!!! (which is not the case as they lived on the West Coast and they in Ontario.  I would add that we (my husband and I) are both still working and lived 3hrs away so not  always available to baby-sit when asked, apart from that we have attended every function for Grandparents Day, all birthday, sleepovers and constant visits!!   We do have our own lives that involves, friends, golf  as well and other grandchildren in another area also 3hrs away in the opposite direction.  So we do what we can and feel we have done the best for them and love them dearly.   They have now moved to the West Coast and we miss them more than life itself (I also miss my SON) who no longer communicates and has made it clear that he wants nothing to do with us anymore......
After much soul searching and reflection - I know that I was and am a good mother and loved both my childrfen very much and still do - I cannot change what path my son is following (nor do I want to) I just wanted a happy fulfilled family life with love, at any distance.  The fact that they are now so far away that visits would be less often - but because I cannot speak on the phone or communicate via email (the partner has said I must go thru her to reach my son!!) then I was at a loss and it broke my heart to think that at this age and stage in life I would be in this situation.

My husband tells me I must just move-on and start living our life and not dwell on this - I will but my heart is heavy and I am sad inside as I just dont KNOW what on earth I did wrong for this situation to be this way and how it can ever get better.  They say time is a great healer - but it also can create a bigger divide......Life is so short, especially as we age and I don't want to waste it this way.....anymore advice other than what was given to Mary-Lou....Many thanks.

[peggy64]

BTW, who is mary lou?

[peggy64]

This is sad...One thing you can maybe think about is yes, you are sad and you hate that things are as they are but it is not your choice. Therefore you did not want things to be this way. This is their decision. You will go on with your life, because You can bet your bottom dollar, they are not sitting around being upset that you all aren't speaking.

I know as a mother that this causes more pain, but you must talk yourself through it. you can't go around it, you must go THROUGH it. Just keep telling yourself, it is painful, but I must keep going forward.

But the most important thing you can do, is give it to the Lord, and let Him help you with all of this.

best to you, and I am so sorry you are having this in your life.