Can't eat - Anxiety or something else with relationship??

[Browning1]

I think this is the first time I've actually asked others about my problem.  I'm the type of person that usually holds everything in and hopes that it'll take care of itself on its own.  But I've decided to atleast get an opinion.  So anyhow, here's my issue.  I'm 27 years old and the earliest I can remember this happening was in high school.  I was with my highschool girlfriend for a little over a year, but before we were actually "official," I remember barely eating anything for 2 weeks and losing around 15 pounds.  Well, it's been the same way with every other girl I've dated.  I just stop eating and don't want to do nothing but lay in the bed.  I start having feelings for a girl, as she does with I, and everything starts to fall into place.  It's been like this with the girls I dated through college and it's happening again with the girl I've been recently seeing.  Well now, she and I are kinda at that point to where we're "official" or not.  If ya know what I mean.  The affection's there and the emotions are there (from both of us) but whenever I get to this point with a girl, my body seems to shut down and I don't eat and have no desire to do anything.    What is my problem?  And why does it happen everytime I fall for a girl?

[RubyWitch]

I think you've answered your own question! Up until the point the relationship becomes "official," you worry yourself half to death wondering if you're "going to make it." You kind of approach this the opposite way many of us do. We begin to worry, (if we're going to) if the relationship will last once we've made that commitment, not before. But hey, we're all different!
I'm not a psychologist, so I'm flying by the seat of my pants here trying to figure out why you do this to yourself. Perhaps you have some low self-esteem issues and see the beginning of relationships as some kind of test you have to pass? Do you put so much pressure on yourself to be the "uber boyfriend" at all times that you wear yourself out both physically and emotionally? Instead of just relaxing and letting the relationship unfold naturally, are you constantly referring to some mental relationship GPS about where you are as a couple? All of that would be exhausting and it's no wonder you end up not being able to eat and just wanting to sleep.
Once your relationship reaches this "official" level, then you relax and everything returns to normal. You've passed the test, you made the grade, you were "judged" worthy of commitment.
You ask if this is normal. Afraid I'm going to have to say, in my book, no it's not. All of us in relationships that we truly care about have some anxiety, at times, about how it's going. But few of us stop eating and have to take to our beds, either before or after we've made that commitment.
I go back to what I said earlier that it's possible you just don't see yourself worthy of anyone actually commiting themselves to you and this self-doubt has you pulling the blankets over your head. Personally I think this is an aspect of yourself that you need to explore and figure out why you put this pressure on yourself.
This is obviously a "normal" pattern you put yourself through and would be worth talking to a professioal about.
I don't mean to keep trying to fob you off on our Relationships Forum, but it's my guess these folks would have a better understanding of why you do this and quite possibly some things you could do to overcome it without resorting to professional counseling. It would be well worth your time to at least give them a try. I don't feel like I've been much help.
I know it's easy for me to say, but I see the solution as you simply relaxing, being yourself, enjoying the relationship for what it is at the moement and stop worrying about where it's going. From what I can tell, you have no problem with women wanting to be in a commited relationship with you, so stop focusing on the possibility of rejection. Which is another place we've all been! And all survived!
Well, I warned you I wasn't a psychologist, so like Lucy in the Peanuts comic strip, you definitely got the 5 cent advice!
If you can't get over this by yourself, please seek therapy. You're making yourself miserable instead of having fun.
Please let me know how you're doing, OK?
Peace
Greenlydia        

[Browning1]

Thanks for the response.  What I meant by "official" is what you described above.....when we declare ourselves a commited couple.  And it up until this point that I have problems eating and not wanting to do anything.  Once we declare ourselves a couple, that's when I kinda go back to a normal state and act myself again.  So yeah, this "phase" you're referring to eventually ends and the relationship continues.  It's almost as if I'm worried so much all the time about whether or not we're going to make it that I lose my appetite and interest in everything else.......then once we declare ourselves a couple, everything's fine and back to normal like a mentioned earlier.  Is this normal?

[RubyWitch]

Welcome to the forum!
Let me make sure I'm understanding your issue first. You begin to date a woman and you feel and act just fine..............until you reach some "official" point in the relationship. (You added.............."if you know what I mean.") I am sorry to be so naive, but I'm not sure what this means, exactly. Do you define "official" as the time you declare yourselves a commited couple or is it a euphemism for when you take the relationship to the next step of having sex?
You say that when you get to this point with a woman, your body seems to shut down and you don't eat and have no desire to do anything.
Does this phase end eventually? Does the relationship continue or does this spell the end?
You ask what your problem is and why it happen with every woman.
You don't appear to exhibit any of the classic signs of anxiety, but not eating, just wanting to lay in bed and do nothing, those symptoms are more consistant with depression.
But if you feel happy with the relationship, I don't understand why depression, if that's even what it is, would enter the picture.
I'm afraid you've stumped me with this question. I can't think of any reason why this would happen to you with every relationship unless it's a problem with commitment.
I would suggest you go over to our Relationships Forum and discuss this with them. Hopefully they will have an answer for you.
If not, I would next suggest therapy to get to the root cause of this. It's been going on a long time now, since high school, as an adult, it's time to figure it out and move on.
I wish you the very best.
Please let us know how it works out for you.
Peace
Greenlydia