Can't go on ....

[lonewolf07]

I'm really scared of committing suicide.  I see a therapist who does not hand out meds easily but she can't be there  all the time.  This weekend I nearly jumped in front of the subway.  There are times when I take over the counter meds intending to commit suicide.  I HATE IT!!!!  The reality is that I have had a number of losses that all came around the same time.  Now I am facing another loss over which I have no control and I'm scared of the helplessness and despair that make me want to commit suicide.  It's like hanging on by my fingernails.  My emotions and spirit hurt.  I want to make some changes but fear I'm too old to get a job, that I can't focus - there's more but don't want to write too much and bore everybody.  I don't think I really want to commit suicide or I wouldn't be afraid of doing it but am scared that an impluse might make me do it because hanging on is so difficult.

I'm hurting and in emotional and spiritual pain - like that Trent Reznor song sung by Johnny Cash "Hurt", that song really hits home.   I can't be any clearer.  I hurt and I'm scared I'll commit suicide.  Am afraid someone will say, "Do it and make the world a better place."

That's it.  Didn't mean to take up so much time.  After reading the posts on here I wonder if I have any right to inflict  my pain on others.   Fear of judgement or rejection.

lonewolf07

[crumy]

I have really been so touched by all the responses you have received so far, there are so  many people on these sites that are true angels.  It is also nice to know that there are so many people who can relate to what you are going through, i have been on the ibs site for a while now and it has helped to hear what other people have been going through (although i wish no one had to deal with health problems), none the less, we do.  I to have been suffering from anxiety for about a year and i am on medication.  I was extremely reluctant to start anything because i felt it was for someone else, not me, but it has really made a difference for me, so please  make sure that whatever you are taking is working, it dosen't sound like it though, so please talk with your doctor about trying something new, my husband has suffered with depression all his life and if it weren't for the medication (the rite one) he would not be able to live his life. Also i am finding out about myself that i need to do something in my life (besides raising my children) that would benefit someone else.  I think that if we can get off ourselves even for a little while each day by possibly helping other people, we would start to feel so much better.  We tend to get so self absorbed that it takes over us, we need to learn to focus on other people and i think if we can do that, then we will start the take the obsession off of ourselves and start the feel better, i know i struggle with this but i am trying to learn.  I will be thinking of you constantely and praying for you and like everyone else here, to let you know you have us to lean on and talk to us anytime and all the time if you need to.

God Bless
crumy

[lonewolf07]

Thank you.  I do believe in the power of prayer.  Will pray for you too.

lonewolf

[lonewolf07]

Hi - my therapist is "there" but not in the middle of the night when these feelings intensify.  Have also called distress lines.  It sounds like you too have experienced these overwhelming feelings and I will take most of the advice given - and all of the caring.  Volunteer work - yes, I have been considering that or even a part time job.

I really appreciate your message  - thank you.

lonewolf

[lonewolf07]

Thank you for your supportive comments.  I do phone distress lines and maybe will take you up on that offer of e-mailing you or other folks on here willing to communicate with me.

lonewolf

[lonewolf07]

I really liked your analogy about "dirty glasses" - you're right.  Isolation tends to intensify my suicidal feelings.  My therapist is there but not in the middle of the night when these feelings are really strong.  I too believe in a Creator and the power of prayer and am greatful to have you praying for me.

lonewolf07

[lonewolf07]

Thank you and everyone else's comments on here.  Good old Descartes - I've spent a  lot of time criticizing his work and had to laugh when you mentioned him.   Your comments were more accurate than you can ever know.

lonewolf07

[heartfluttersflyawayplz]

am praying for you

[Jade59]

And please don't ever fear posting your feelings because judgement is NEVER tolerated on this forum!  Hang around and you'll see : )   You will find nothing but love and support here.  

[Jade59]

I want you to know I've been thinking about your post all day long because I have been where you are so many times and I can so relate to the hopelessness and despair.  The past few years have been better for me, but before that I felt like I was hanging on by a thread most days.  What kept me from ending it all was what it would do to the people that love me and how selfish it would be to make my family go through the pain of my suicide.  I'm sure you have family who would be crushed for the rest of their life if they lost you.    

Please take the advice of the caring people above and either seek out a new doctor or call a suicide hotline (I've done that more than once) or go to the hospital for help.  If the meds that you're on are not working, please ask to try something else.  There are so many choices today, something is bound to work for you.  

You say you have had a number of losses.  Have you considered a grief/loss support group?  Maybe getting out of the house and sharing your feelings with others who understand might help.  Or what about volunteering somewhere?  Then you wouldn't be confined to the restraints of a 9-5 job.  

Please don't think for one minute that you're taking up space here or that you are not important.  My belief is that one persons pain is no more important than the next regardless of what led them there.  I know it feels impossible sometimes, but please hang in there.

My heart goes out to you lonewolf and I want you to know you are not alone and that everyone here cares about what happens to you so post anytime because we are here for you, okay?

Please post again and let us know how you're feeling.

Thinking of you.......
  

[JSGeare]

Your very articulate statement and discussion of your feelings are probably a strong indication that you are much more mentally on top of this than you imagine right now. It reads very much as an opening to a book by someone who was thinking about making their exit -and then found their way OUT, and ultimately helped other people as well.

Because of your keen self-awareness and expressive ability, I'm hoping -hoping very much- that you will continue to post here, discuss your situation and how you think it came to be (what WERE those losses?) and even lend a hand to others who suffer. I strongly suspect that your feelings may portend some important changes you will make in your life which in the end are all about peace-of-mind, self-discovery and a vibrant self-esteem. As to gettting connected, finding a communiyt, a family, a group -you've DONE that -you're here, with us.

Understood that your personal material is both highly sensitive and even in some aspects catastrophic. Therefore, you may feel free to communicate privately with anyone here who seems to "get it" about what's going on with you. Although this is not a group of professionals, there is some heap good therapy that happens here merely because people care for one another and understand one another. Your situation rings especially true because you are looking at "what its all about" in a cosmic sense of ultimate understanding. This is something we all must do, and most will do, at some point in our lives -and 59 is a pretty good boundary for it. But for many, those really big questions and issues are masked by immediate social concerns, peer group acceptance, family and relationship problems -I'm sure you know the list.

So, because you have taken it down to the bone, as it were, you are in a prime position to discuss your feelings and process of self-discovery with high credibility to all who will read and listen.

One more thing: while suicidal ideations do occur for many of us, they must be understood in the context of all the other ideations, notions, predispositions and such other carriers of messages about ourselves, others and the world around us.  Some years ago (heh, heh, I'm 59, too) there was a book called, "Been Down So Long It Looks Like Up to Me." The sum and substance was that the writer's world was shattered and he had lost hope therefore EVEYTHING -no matter how bad, was an improvement. From this, he took that the only path way WAS UP. And that meant that he could build new, from scratch, the way he wanted things to really be. And a few centuries ago a fellow named Renee Descartes deliberately threw out everything he thought he knew, and started out fresh. His first question? "How do I even know I exist?" And from that came the Summa Theologica (sp?) which has forever since been a major contribution to western thought.

Please stay in touch. You are absolutely in the right place. I seriously doubt you'll get any smart mouth replies, and if you do, I'll handle it.

[mystruggle]

lonewolf!!!!!

you are looking at the world through dirty glasses! suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem! i know it will get better for you. if you can't get ahold of your dr. when you need one, then find a new dr. you can get ahold of. find some medication that hellps, find a good therapist. get the gift of  life God has given you back on track. i have faith in you. i think you are very strong and courageous to talk about this stuff. i pray for you. i wish you the best. just remember that pain is weakenss leaving the body! you will be stronger, happier, at peace one day! do not do anything to hurt yourself. too many people would be very hurt, whether you know it or not! there are people that love you that you don't know about, people that love you, that you haven't met yet.  you are not too old for anything. be a survivor, not a victim. use the telephone. call people. seek out help! you deserve to get to the bottom of what's bothering you. sometimes life if tuff! but God made us tuffer! it sounds to me like you got alot dumped on you at once. this sounds like a situational depression. so when you deal with those things, the depression will lift and you will be happy again! i promise if you find a good dr. and  therapist and get the right meds. this too shall pass!

God Bless you and watch over you, sometimes we must lean on a higher power and he's doing things for us we don't quite understand.

much love and sympathy..your friend...Jay

[cj29]

You have definately come to the right place and you are not taking up much time.  Feelings of despair and worthlessness take a toll on us mentally, physically and spiritually.  First of all, let me just say that you are not wasting anybody's time here and are actually very strong and have a great amount of courage to post your thoughts here.  When you have these thoughts please do not act on them.  There are many forums that you can use for recovery.  If you have those feelings, dial an emergency number and seek help immediately.  We all share a common bond here, and have been through so many problems and challanges.  Please, if you need help or just someone to talk to, please do not hesitate to email me, or anyone else on this forum.