making bad choices followed immediately by severe anxiety

[ocdman999]

I'll try to keep this short. I've been in an up and down marriage for some time.  Several weeks ago i called an escort. I was very intoxicated.  I remember telling her i didn't want sex.  Maybe some touching or to hang out.  The rest of the night is a blur. I woke up the next day and have been a mess ever since.  I texted her several times and she said we did not have sex. I keep thinking maybe she is lying. Maybe i did and forgot.  I'm scared to give my wife something.  I love her in just lost right now.  A bad person.  As of now i keep feeling 'symptoms'. I feel like i have hiv and can't test for 3 months.  I don't eat well or sleep well and can barely look my wife in the eye. Help. Thoughts.  How do i move forward. Scared to death i messed my life up. I feel like such a loser.

[ocdman999]

Just FYI, my test results for Chlamydia and Gonnorhea are negative.
I guess that puts my mind at ease a bit. Still a bit worried about trich....possibly HIV or Hep. I don't think Syphillis or Herpes as I likely would have seen symptoms.
Hoping to start to calm down....really trying.

[BetterDays200]

Obsessive fears have been a part of my life since I was little. Every couple years something new would strike the right chord and I would be rotten with uncontrollable, irrational fear, sometimes episodic - sometimes chronic.  The list of stories I have is long and probably not too uncommon: the house was going to catch fire, the house was going to be hit by a tornado, cancer, the infamous HIV scare of '87, going nuts, the next flight I would be on would crash (even if I did not even have a trip on my calendar - now that was nuts) financial ruin, etc.  Rational thoughts had NOTHING to do with my run-away brain.

It is my opinion that my brain chemistry is just plain screwed-up.  

Drinking seemed a great way for me to reduce fear.  Obsessive fear about financial ruin 5 years ago coupled with drinking was a personal disaster for me... although I came out of that whole situation the better for it, learning that I had to quit drinking, completely. Even though my obsessive worry started long before I ever drank, alcohol and obsessive worry was a horrible mix.

I currently take cymbalta for anxiety and trazedone for sleep (I never slept more than a few hours in my life and that only got worse if in worrisome phases of my life).  AS a matter of fact, while I don;t have any other noticeable 'phobias' I was so troubled by the idea of lying in my bed 'thinking' so much so that I would walk around the house and usually get whatever sleep I could on a couch. (can you say' tough on a marriage?')


In the short term, Benzos, like xanax, may be medically ok for some people, but to me, a sedative does not keep the brain in check, it just numbs the response, so not the long term answer. (and addictive!)

I have gone through periods of taking other anti-depressants and have made the mistake of stopping them when I had not been hit by an episode of irrational fear for a period of time. MISTAKE, the over-reaction (paralyzing FEAR) would eventually come back, so I have not stopped taking my current prescription even though I have been doing well for several years now.

So, the long answer is: You don't have HIV, but if you are like me, being told something (1,000 times) does not change your brain's pre-disposition to flood your entire being with the chemical components that fill you with a 'sense' of all-consuming fear. So, medical review of anxiety issues and available options need to be thoroughly investigated.

Back to my story: When I was in my HIV fear, I would walk a different way through town so I did not have to go by this one pharmacy...  it was called RITE-AID - - - - yeah, because it has AID in its name and that made me think AIDs.  Crazy, right?

I understand your fear.  You don't have HIV, nor will you lose your family IF you take care of yourself and get help.  You have obsessive fear, which is a real torture.  Time will pass and this fear will fade, but until it does your emotional health will suffer if you don't address this as a medical condition.

I am not a Dr., or trained to give any advice whatsoever. I am just a fellow sufferer who's obsessive fears led me to the bottom of a bottle.  Please don't let that happen to you.

There will be better days ahead.  Best,

[BetterDays200]

Obsessive fear of HIV - with near ZERO possibility from infection... LIVED IT.
28 years ago. Slept with a married lady while I was in college even though I had a 'serious' girlfriend. Was so miserable I could not see straight. Every symptom I could think of, I had.... oh, it was horrible - - but I did NOT have any std... but you could not tell me that and have me believe it.

From a new book out called 'The Man Who Could Not Stop' (I hate to sound like I'm a shill for this book, which I am NOT!) - I have found out that obsessive fear of HIV in low probability people could be a entire industry for therapists.  Its a perfect, insidious, irrational fear that you cannot shake - if you are like me.  Even though it was such a long time ago (and took me six months before I could go even an hour without the dread fear hi-jacking my brain) I still remember exactly how difficult it was to cope.

I wish I would have been more pro-active on getting medicated then. Maybe my bouts with obsessive fear (that HIV obsession episode being the worst one of my life), would not have given me such a good excuse for eventually drinking my way down the rabbit hole of alcoholism.

Your fear is irrational, but if you are obsessing, that probably will not help longer than than the time it will take for you to finish reading this.

If your brain is running and your heart is thumping and you are not sleeping and eating, the chance of self-medicating will go up - the end result of which is, you could be like a lot of us alcoholics - wishing we had done something sooner.

1. Get help (medical)
2. Get active - don't let anything stop you from getting some exercise
3.Do things to help others with problems (it can take your mind off of your fears)
4. Get sleep (get help with that from your Dr. also, if needed - lack of sleep will drive you crazy, as if you need more crazy)
5. Try to be thankful for what you do have
6.  IF you might have a problem with alcohol, I can assure you, it makes anxiety worse over time.  But telling someone that who has not figured it out for themselves is, I know, tough to believe.

You are not alone.  I know obsessive, irrational fear.  You have to use the resources available and not sit alone and worry.  


There will be better days ahead.
J

[Junip]

Hi, I wanted to reach out to tell you that you are in all liklihood fine in the STD department. I cannot imagine an escort lying as to whether or not you had sex and even if you did, I am sure she would have required you to use a condom, probably carries them herself.  Anxiety can literally cause you to have physical symtoms. the mind is a very powerful thing and with so much focus on having an STD, you are probably making yourself feel these phantom physical feelings. The worst thing you can do is read things online about diseases because you can practically convince yourself you have whatever you read about. My father was a hypochondriac and worried himself to the point of being physically ill so try to stop focusing on something that is not there. You are obviously suffering from tremendous guilt over your actions. What I think you need to do is accept that you made a mistake and you cannot change what is already done.  Also, you are human and while what you did was wrong, it happens all the time. People cheat more often than anyone realizes.  So you made a mistake and you cannot change it. The question becomes, do you want your marriage to work? If so, I suggest that going forward you commit to trying your best to identify the issues or what is lacking and work on it together with your wife.  If you choose to try to make it work, I personally do not feel you should tell your wife.  You have been punishing yourself enough on your own and there is no reason to hurt her if you don't have to. In this case I would say ignorance is bliss. Learn your lesson and never do it again and try to focus on the future rather than an indiscretion from your past.  But clearly something is lacking in your relationship or you would not have sought someone outside the marriage. Try to calm down before you give yourself a heart attack.  Good luck, JJ.

[ocdman999]

I am actually having symptoms. I will get some results back next week. I'm having a hard time accepting negative results with even minor symptoms. Can anyone tell me if anxiety could be contributing? I'm having a hard time coping...

[ocdman999]

Leu, go to the std thread and ask them.  I believe your risk is near zero.  The tests you fear could put your mind at ease and if anything are for your wife's safety not yours.  Contrary to what people may think when they read my post, I think i am a good person who did a bad thing. My morals are what is driving my guilt and shame and my anxiety is what is scaring the **** out of me. I am still scared I've caught something, did something i don't remember, could hurt the person in supposed to love, lose friends, family, have health problems, lost job even, house. ...List goes on. Had a better day today everyone but having a tough night.  Mind is thinking the worst

[ocdman999]

I had tests done again for 2 common STD's. Another I was concerned about they do not have a test for, only for females. I keep feeling symptoms and am really scared and feeling so so guilty. Awaiting results. Not sure it will put my mind at ease or not as long as I'm feeling these sensations. This morning I could not get up from bed. I slept 2 hours past when I am required to be at work. I was just scared and sad. What have I done to myself? and for what? I got nothing from this experience except all this terrible feeling and possibly health issues and a damaged relationship.
.........

[ocdman999]

Leungliu, I hear you. It can be a lonely place when you have guilt or are living with the burden of a lie. It's not a place anyone wants to be...definitely not worth the mistake.
I hope things work out for you.

BTW - chances are you have nothing...(and your profile says female...ED?)

[ocdman999]

Thanks to both of you. I have been tested for a couple of STDs which are negative, but then I always manage to find something online I 'might' have and magically I have these symptoms. Maybe the symptoms are real but unrelated. Either way, they are driving me crazy...literally. The guilt is the straw on top of the anxiety that's breaking me.
I do have an apt tomorrow with a RN to discuss some symptoms and test further if needed. I guess that's step 1 to putting this behind me. Where does it stop? I want to be a better husband, but I know I don't get that chance if I have an STD.
I really want to be a better person, husband, but I'm stuck here until I can move past it....it's lonely and painful. I feel ashamed and sad at myself for putting me in this spot. The hardest thing to do is to have to work with myself to get out of this when it's myself I can't stand. I'm trying.

[refills]

I have a theory I want share. I've dealt with anxiety most of my life and know how things can get out of hand in our minds. When I'm bothered by something, something deep in the back of my mind. I stop and challenge myself to think of what is it that bothering me. You've done that so congratulations. I then take it one step further. I go on to tackle the problem. i make it my priority. Kinda like you have. I stick with it until my problem is solved the best it can be. So, get your testing, look deeply into any kind of program that you find is needed and basically cover every area to settle your mind and put you back at ease. Worrying over anything you can't control is a useless exercise that can pervade over oneself to the point of boiled over frustration. I think your close. Trust in yourself and learn as you move forward in your life. Good Luck....ike

[Munchies2012]

If you have been tested and they have come back negative then you dont have an std if your still worried get tested again

[ocdman999]

I'm mostly worried I have caught some sort of STD, even though I don't think I had sex. I'm worried I had sex and forgot due to alcohol, or came close enough proximity to catch one. I fear I cannot approach my wife about us until this has passed. I want to make things work with her. I am such a screw up for putting myself, or her, in this position.
I feel like I have symptoms. Slight pain. I don't know if it's anxiety or something real. I wake up scared....the only peace I have is during sleep right now.... :(

[Munchies2012]

You need to go to counselling with her. She it the only person you should express that your feeling things have hit a bad patch and your scared for your marriage and want to work on it.

[ocdman999]

I don't know how to calm down.  I get this tingly feeling 'down there' and think it is something.  I'm just pretend smiling to my wife but i feel like I've messed up my whole life.  It's over. I made an appt with a rn at a clinic to discuss sti's. Maybe it will put my mind at ease.  I feel so ashamed and embarrased. Barely coping.  I can't go to anyone for support. ...

[ocdman999]

I know you're right.  I find i can't focus on us getting better until i know 100% i have nothing to pass on.  I can't put that aside in my mind.  I'm beside myself.  Trying so hard to be a better person and husband and see what happens.  So scared in the meantime.  Literally freaking out inside.  She would be devastated and i couldn't live anymore being that guy

[Munchies2012]

Std or not. You either give it to her and she finds out. Or you dont have an std and the guilt eats you and you blurt it out.

You need to focus on if you really want to be with her in my opinion. Dont stay out of guilt if you feel you dont want it anymore. It will make u miserable :( I stayed for half a year after I cheated. Alot of guilt because I knew he would be sad if I left. But I realised I needed to do whats best for me not him.

Forget about the std and focus on that aspect. You werent happy enough that you ended up straying out side of the relationship it will happen again if the cause of that isnt fixed

[ocdman999]

Thanks Munchies.  I literally feel like i have std symptoms. It's so dumb because I'm 99% sure i did not have sex but the1% chance is killing me. Worst part is my wife has been extra lovey lately.  Makes me feel like such a piece of sh!t. I think the part that makes it so hard to handle is i have no clue how to handle this if it was an std. I love my wife.  I don't know if i love our relationship or if i have always been 'in love'with her. I also don't get everything i need from it but i feel like she's a good person and doesn't deserve this. I don't deserve her anymore.

[Munchies2012]

Alot of this may be guilt of what you actually did and not ur fear of an STD and believe me it will NOT get better that u cheated on your wife Ive been there and it eventually ended. You need to go to counselling with her if things are bad. My anxiety went through the roof when I cheated because of a " bad relationship " it was a whole ( ross and rachel) we were on a " break" thing if you are familiar with friends but I just got consumed with guilt. You fear you pass something on to her cause you know then she will find out.

I am not judging you like I said ive been there. It happens we are **** people

I googled all sorts of things trying to figure out if I should tell him, others situations etc etc no matter what you decide to do come clean or hide it. The guilt and anxiety wont go away. You learn to accept it eventually though. For me when I finally accepted it I realised I didnt want the relationship i was in anymore so I left.

if she said you didnt have sex then you wont have. She has no reason to lie to you

[ocdman999]

Having a rough day. I feel like my anxiety is creating symptoms...But I'm unable to differentiate between my mind and if they're sincere issues.  Just creating more anxiety.  I feel like I'm falling apart.  How could i have been so foolish to get in this situation. I know there's people much worse off than me...But at this moment i feel hopeless.

[ocdman999]

Thanks for your reply LRon. I have never been a huge drinker, more of a social drinker with the odd bad night. I have made myself a promise to never get drunk again and considering quitting completely.  
I'm trying to deal with my fears of disease and what I've done.  I didn't pass out but blacked out. I fear i could have done something risky although likely the escort told the truth. I have been tested for a couple of stds which were negative but i am so focused on every feeling I'm self diagnosing.  I'm going to seek help for sure.  I just don't know how I'll relax while i wait for the time to pass for an accurate test. How do i say i love you to my wife and work on us when I've slighted her so badly.  I hate myself right now.  I'm really trying to be better.

[LRon]

It seems there's a good chance the escort is telling the truth. After all, if you said you didn't want sex and then passed out or whatever, the escort wouldn't have sex with you. Besides, you might not have even been able to.

You've made some mistakes. You're only a "loser" if you keep making them and don't do what's necessary to get your life and marriage back on track.

My suggestions are...

1. Quit drinking. Now. You're done. Go to AA if necessary. Make it stick.
2. Go to counseling and get yourself straightened out.
3. Go to marriage counseling and get your marriage straightened out.
4. No more escorts.

Unless you're an IV drug user or have had sex with men, you probably don't have HIV. But by all means, get tested.

Hope that helps. Best wishes to you and your wife.