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my son's anxiety
I've searched countless sites online and I'm still not sure where to go for help. Our son is 22, and a college graduate. Intellectually, his gifted by many measures with an IQ tested at 160+ and getting nearly perfect scores on his SAT (1570) & LSAT (178). I'm being specific to make a point. However, he's so anxious in public settings that he's barely functional. Rarely does he express any emotions to us, his parents. He never tells us anything about his life. He doesn't "do" anything while visiting at home (different state). He went to a therapist last summer but said it was useless and stopped after 3-4 visits. His jobs have all been limited and part-time although his employers wanted him back. He chooses to isolate himself and seldom answers calls or emails, even from his employer!. When comfortable he is "normal" but he has not engaged the world at large. I'm quite sure he's not happy and we just don't know what to do to help him move forward with any sort of life. Any suggestions? Sure would be grateful. Sorry if this is too long winded. Thanks.
I feel your pain and my heart breaks for you. My son has similar issues, although he can articulate what he believes is going on in his life. That may be due to the fact that I am a single mom and we are close. That is not to say that we have not butt heads over this.
My son's had a bout of depression in High School caused by anxiety. Anxiety caused by the pressure of expectations put on him by me, teachers, whatever. My son is also highly intelligent and, prides himself on that. He only wants to do the things in which he excels - for example in school he liked the sciences and math and hated English and History. It was harder to excel at the vaguer, less structured subjects. the sciences, he could get As with no effort and he liked being in that position. I am sad to say that he was depressed from about middle school on and it came to a head in High School. He would not admit that he could not get a handle on those classes so he kept telling me he forgot his homework. Of course, I tried to help him with that by sitting him down with the work, but that made things worse. It all just kept getting progressively worse until I could see that he was very depressed in his junior year of High School. I took him to a counselor and that helped a lot. Mostly with getting the school (and me) to understand his needs. But it did not make his underlying issue go away. He has anxiety whenever he feels stuck. By expectations, by his life situation, whatever.
As a young adult (19), he still does not have his license and has only held one job for 3 days. It all seems to be tied to these same fears of not excelling. He couldn't handle the job (at a supermarket) because they left him alone to work the deli counter and he didn't know how to identify the meats. And, again, this caused him to have high anxiety. I think he doesn't want to get his license because he is afraid of failing the test.
My son is also social in situations where he feels comfortable, but not when he is thrown into situations where he is a fish out of water.
Because he cannot get a job I have asked him to be responsible for chores around the house until he goes to school in the fall. He did try doing that, but that was also causing him anxiety. He can't take on a big vague job like "keep the house clean" He can do small jobs that are parceled out. I suspect that my son is a perfectionist of sorts. If he is not sure he can be the best at something or do it to meet defined standards or measures, then it causes him great anxiety.
Like you, I am not sure what to do. I suspect your son's issues may be similar. The depression is symptomatic of the social anxiety. I don't have the answers on that. If I never expected anything of my son, he would be fine and happy. But that is not a realistic way to address the issue. I now understand how highly intelligent people become homeless. I could almost see my son winding up in a position like that because he is most blissful when he does not have to do anything and nothing is expected of him by society. Of course, then I am not, because as his mother, I feel by letting him do nothing, I am enabling him and not allowing him to grow up.
I am planning on taking him back to that counselor because he was helpful. I paint this picture of gloom and doom, but in reality, my son was a completely different person once we went to the counselor and I could understand him, his emotions and his needs better. It's just that it is a constant journey. His (nor my) personality and ways to deal with life are not going to change overnight. But I have to keep pushing forward until we figure out what will best help my son.
I'd say try another counselor - one that specializes in depression and anxiety in young adults. I suspect you are paying for college. Going to college is a privilege, not a birthright, so make a condition of you footing the bill for college that he must see a counselor. I know you may be afraid that he will then say screw it, I am not going to college then. But what is the alternative for him? Get a job? He's not going to like that one. Present it to him in a loving way. That you are worried for him, you are at a loss and you, as a family, need to keep trying things until you can find out what will best serve him.
I hope all that helps. If you read this and want to talk, let me know. I'd be glad to talk outside of this forum.
My son's had a bout of depression in High School caused by anxiety. Anxiety caused by the pressure of expectations put on him by me, teachers, whatever. My son is also highly intelligent and, prides himself on that. He only wants to do the things in which he excels - for example in school he liked the sciences and math and hated English and History. It was harder to excel at the vaguer, less structured subjects. the sciences, he could get As with no effort and he liked being in that position. I am sad to say that he was depressed from about middle school on and it came to a head in High School. He would not admit that he could not get a handle on those classes so he kept telling me he forgot his homework. Of course, I tried to help him with that by sitting him down with the work, but that made things worse. It all just kept getting progressively worse until I could see that he was very depressed in his junior year of High School. I took him to a counselor and that helped a lot. Mostly with getting the school (and me) to understand his needs. But it did not make his underlying issue go away. He has anxiety whenever he feels stuck. By expectations, by his life situation, whatever.
As a young adult (19), he still does not have his license and has only held one job for 3 days. It all seems to be tied to these same fears of not excelling. He couldn't handle the job (at a supermarket) because they left him alone to work the deli counter and he didn't know how to identify the meats. And, again, this caused him to have high anxiety. I think he doesn't want to get his license because he is afraid of failing the test.
My son is also social in situations where he feels comfortable, but not when he is thrown into situations where he is a fish out of water.
Because he cannot get a job I have asked him to be responsible for chores around the house until he goes to school in the fall. He did try doing that, but that was also causing him anxiety. He can't take on a big vague job like "keep the house clean" He can do small jobs that are parceled out. I suspect that my son is a perfectionist of sorts. If he is not sure he can be the best at something or do it to meet defined standards or measures, then it causes him great anxiety.
Like you, I am not sure what to do. I suspect your son's issues may be similar. The depression is symptomatic of the social anxiety. I don't have the answers on that. If I never expected anything of my son, he would be fine and happy. But that is not a realistic way to address the issue. I now understand how highly intelligent people become homeless. I could almost see my son winding up in a position like that because he is most blissful when he does not have to do anything and nothing is expected of him by society. Of course, then I am not, because as his mother, I feel by letting him do nothing, I am enabling him and not allowing him to grow up.
I am planning on taking him back to that counselor because he was helpful. I paint this picture of gloom and doom, but in reality, my son was a completely different person once we went to the counselor and I could understand him, his emotions and his needs better. It's just that it is a constant journey. His (nor my) personality and ways to deal with life are not going to change overnight. But I have to keep pushing forward until we figure out what will best help my son.
I'd say try another counselor - one that specializes in depression and anxiety in young adults. I suspect you are paying for college. Going to college is a privilege, not a birthright, so make a condition of you footing the bill for college that he must see a counselor. I know you may be afraid that he will then say screw it, I am not going to college then. But what is the alternative for him? Get a job? He's not going to like that one. Present it to him in a loving way. That you are worried for him, you are at a loss and you, as a family, need to keep trying things until you can find out what will best serve him.
I hope all that helps. If you read this and want to talk, let me know. I'd be glad to talk outside of this forum.
1 Comments
My 26-year old son has similar characteristics. He did manage to get a college degree , but is living with his mother and says he can't get a job. He is isolated, plays with his computer alll day, won't talk to adults, has no friends.He will not admit he has social anxiety. he just says he doesn't want to talk to them, whoever they are. He says he applied for jobs online, but hasn't gotten any calls back. I got him scheduled for a job interview and at the last minute he said he wouldn't go . He always finds excuses for him not doing something and it is always the other person's fault. he would never admit he can't talk to people.
I can't believe it's been 2 years since my post but I think I will provide an update for anyone generally interested in the topic. My 25-yr old son's personality has not changed. He remains extremely isolated and depressed. He does not acknowledge the depression but he did manage to see a Dr. and was prescribed anti-depressants. I only hope that he will start therapy. Perhaps as parents we've been too tolerant of his struggle, although I can not recall that he ever (at any age) expressed any emotions, worry, sadness, etc. I think that more or less, he has always been this way. He "lives" 1000 miles away and does not communicate, period. I worry that the Dr. he sees may not recognize the scope of my son's conduct a full diagnosis as spade22 suggested 2 yrs ago.
1 Comments
At least he is living on his own and not with his parents! And he must have some kind of job! I consider that a success. My 26-year old son is living with his mother and won't get a job, even though he did get a college degree. He has no friends and spends all his time on the computer.
Has your son always been this way? It sounds like he may have a severe social phobia. It would be a good idea for him to visit a physchiatrist who can assess him and provide a formal diagnosis. There are MANY treatment options out there for social phobias- a good doctor can point you in the right direction and will greatly improve his quality of life. Trying to convice him to seek the right help could be difficult, though.
1 Comments
Yes! That is the problem! How do you get them 1) recognize they have a problem and 2) get the help they need.
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