Hi, (please take some minutes to read and reply if you can, I appreciate it)
Im a 34 year old male that for the las 10-15 years have been in a stand-by mode, so to speak.
Stand-by mode: just existing!.. not having much feelings for anything, staying at home (I loved being out before), don´t have friends (I had lots before too), feeling pretty much tired and sad, uninspired, hating christmas/birthdays when I have to fake happiness when receiving gifts, I don´t have energy, and wont let girls/women come to close, so I don´t fall in love with anyone.. (I have turned down some, in this years, and they were pretty and intelligent, really) but I just don´t feel like I have anything to give them.
Sexually Im attracted to them, but even sex is out of my head, cause I feel so depleted of energy, that I doubt I could maintain even one intercourse. (also Im starting to feel kind of against women.. maybe is just something my subconsciousness is doing or is it because all of this BS of not having equality, and all those things.. I have lost job opportunities, just because there where some girls that applied... and just to fill the quote they took the girls, and not me being better at tests, interviews, etc..), sorry girls.. I believe is my condition, that makes me think that way.
I have had 3 relations in last 15 years.. and I even lived with all of them for 2 years each (give or take a month), but the last was in 2005-2006, since then I just didnt want more... cause the reason the last one didnt work, is that she wanted to party, have fun, eat outside (not having economy for it either), traveling, doing things for fun... and I was never fun! I didnt want to do anything.. just be home with her (or even without her) :(
Other things: Last 5-6 years, Im suffering of pretty bad short memory, cant remember what I ate last week, or when someone tells me something at work, somedays after, I cant recall them saying anything to me.. oh and last 10 years am I missing quite a bit of hair.. (have quite long hair, but before It was to much hair... they called me "the lion" for thick and big hair, now.. no one calls me anything cause I don´t have friends.. have also moved to another country, a very sad town, but Im attached to it because of family, but my hair is pretty thin now, and you can see the scalp and moon at the top).
Shortness of breath too.. I mean I can go pretty much long distances, but I prefer not to, cause my breath gets pretty intense.. in fact sometimes when Im nearing other people, I try to not breath that much, cause I wouldn´t like to hear someone like me! (before I could go for hours without slowing down)
No headaches, no sterility or any disfunction down there, no frequent urination, or other symptoms..
Psychic wise.. (the bad things), I do feel superior to others... (but Im pretty smart (thats a fact and not my psych talkin), I could easily win over a trivial or quiz competition... so its not my imagination), but is bad, cause when I see the news or something I do my research of the cases and find stuff that afterwards some of them are told to the public, some not, but Im pretty much finding conspiracies on pretty much everything.. (and in fact Im not so sure Im wrong!), but I know that I shouldn´t be even caring of those things!.. I guess..
This makes me, not trusting anyone, cause I think/imagine/believe that everyone else is easy to trick into believing nonsense, that the media is trying to force into peoples heads... and they do!.. but not into mine. Im stronger! (and please, don´t think Im all crazy! :P I do live pretty much "normal" and no one knows about how I feel or think)
All in all, I know something is wrong, but what?
Ok.. If Im so smart I should know how to find info about it, so I did my research, and all points to Low Testosterone making me depressive, so after all this years, I went for a month ago to my doctor (who I didnt see since 2003, but didnt tell anything then), so.. I asked to do a extensive blood test, and specially on Testosterone.
He agreed, I did the blood tests, but had to wait a month to get results and a new appointment with him... I told him about my depressive feeling and that it could come from the low testosterone.
Today I was at the doctor again, and all my tests were pretty good, but Testosterone was at the lowest!! It was at 8 (and it should be: Men: 20 - 50 years old: 9,1 - 55,2 nmol/L and I read that anything between 8-10 is at its lowest!).
But he told me that 8 was "ok".. low, but ok!. So instead of prescribing me a Testosterone Treatment, he prescribed me Cipralex 10mg. (a guy I know took its test and it gave him 19, where I have 8, he feels active and energetic)
Doc said, I could choose between that (cipralex 10mg) or going to the shrink.. so I asked, what did he believed could help, and his answer was: well, if you dont think there is "a reason" for you to be depressive, then there is no need to try to find out what doesnt exist at the shrink!.. So, as I cant remember any special detail that could trigger this, I said ok, to take the meds. The doc also said, that I should not be worry, cause the effect of cipralex is to help those who needs it.. if I take it and really don´t need it, it just wont work, instead of giving me other symptoms, or becoming the total opposite, they just wont work.. other drugs like amphetamine and/or coke, would work no matter what you had, but cipralex just will work if I have need for it.
Now... reading on the internet, I read a lot bad things of Cipralex (Escitalopram), and lots of the side effects, are in fact things I already have, even without taking them. Does this mean I can get even worse??
Im a guitar player, so I can risk to provoke Arthritis or something bone related!.. its my livelihood! The doctor know this, and didn´t warned me about anything! :(
So now... I really don´t know what to do.. should I go to the pharmacy on monday and start taking it?
The doc said I should take it 3 weeks, then I would go back to check with him, how is it going, but also to make a new appointment to new blood tests (Liver and Free Testosterone and SHBG), and he said that then I should be without alcohol (no problem I don´t drink) and any medicaments for a week before the tests. So no matter if the Cipralex is working, Im going to be 1 week without them, just after 3 or 5 weeks after I started taking them? is that normal?
What can you recommend me doing? take the cipralex 10mg for 3 weeks without any problem, or go back to the doc, and say I don´t want to, and ask for making the new blood test asap?.
Does all my condition sounds like anything else to you?
oh.. forgot to say: I have a job.. I work at a hospital with old patients, and they all know me for the smiley guy, kind, etc.. (I do my job the best i can, but every time I know Im alone, my fake smile just terminates, and I feel like Im a pretty good actor!) :( I know, it shouldn´t be like this.
Any help would be great, and highly appreciate it. (sorry for my bad english, but its not my language, just something I learned the last 10 years from the internet) ;)
Thanks for your time reading me. (I hope, I didn´t forgot anything) ;)
Wow!! That was one of the longest testimony i have read.. But guess what i took the time to read it just because i would like to help and i would like to say ur not alone.. I suggest if u really need it try it.. Only you know ur self, one thing try not to google so much.. Is bad for you.. It only messed with ur head.. Any medication will always have a side effect, but doesn't mean ur going to have it.. I mean give ur self a chance... I used to be scared of taking medication because of the side effects, but i learn if i need to take it why not take it.. But i mean i suffer from anxiety n depression n panic.. I can get so depressed but i try my best not to detach from others because i know i will get worst n feel worst, when im depressed i usually just want to be alone.. N yea i can put a smile and act like nothing is wrong n deep inside im hurt.. But i tell u i believe u have a great heart with alot of dreams n goals.. Try not to be so hard ti ur self.. Give ur self a chance. Challenge ur self.. Like u said u are a very smart guy, im sure u can do it... Try living life a bit more.. Go out n do adventures.. Trust me i know is hard but try.. I feel ur pain. N is not pretty.. I can google all day feeling smart, but truly im fooling my self..
I would not hesitate in taking the meds if I was sure that I needed them. I mean, I read they are for Anxiety, Nerves, Panic atacks as you tell me you have, but do I have any of those myself? I dont suffer of nerves, well, I do when I have to speak in public in front of hundreds!.. and/or play with bands (long time ago but, I guess I would still be scared). But Panic atacks?.. no I cant say I have, and anxiety?.. not really. Im not afraid of talking to people, go out with them or so, but my other things has made me more introvert, and I prefer to spend my money in my home, and stay there. (beside going to work)
Yes, google is your friend but also your enemy :) I got that!.. cause I found 1 thing, and that is very true, that: The more you know, the more you know you dont know a ****!... (cause you just find everytime that a piece of info, opens an inmense numbers of new questions), so many times I say to myself, I wish I was dumb, and did not understand anything around me, then I would be happy!
And I agree with you that going out, doing things, etc.. would boost my confidence, and build my energy and so on.. but its hard. I can go out and go a mile if I want, even pretty much every day, but that wont make me any friends, here people dont say hello to those they dont know from they where child and friends from school, so as I came to this county already with 22 years, there wasnt left anything for me. :( Im not the only one, I hear lots of cases. Theres even a club in the capital, for "Loners", and they got over 100 thousand members in under a month or two!, but the capital is 8 hours in car from where I live, so can´t do)
Anyhow, I will do my best and if google or anyone here talk me off of it, I may start on monday with the meds.
Thanks again nirvana1234 (by the way, first song I learned on guitar was Smell Like Teen Spirit) ;) Cheers!
Yea! U see ur a very smart men.. So u should be fine. Sometimes we need a kick on the back to motivate us.. Sometimes we can get lazy to try. But we should get up n do it.. Just do it, like the nike icon.. I don't really have friends either n i come here even though i never meet them in person but this web always make,me feel better, i get advice n i give them.. So is cool. Hey really i love nirvana n other bands like Metallica, the Beatles, ect.. I never really learn to play guitar but i like playing the drums... The only way i play guitar is in rock band the game.. Is fun.. It helps me stay out of negative thinking.. Hey but u might need anti depressive pills they can help u for when ur down..
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