Feel like I just ruined my future

[Amber98]

I've been suffering with serious anxiety and depression pretty much my whole life, and I lurk around here often, but usually it's due to overwhelming worry about minor things...however, I now have a serious issue and it's eating me alive. All I do is cry all day thinking about it, I can't even talk to anyone about it in person...so here I go:

About a year ago my mother made me commit a crime with her because she needed money. It wasn't that serious but still, it was a crime. I told her numerous times I didn't want to do it. She yelled at me, told me I was a bad daughter, that I always bring the family down and that she's a single mother and needed help.  At the time I was already under an enormous amount of stress due to school, so I did as she said. (These are not excuses, I've been studying law for the past 5 years so if anything, I know the serious consequences of my actions)

Now, I am done school and with more time to think, I realize what i've done and I feel like my stomach is turning upside down all the time. I hate myself for doing as she said, even more, I hate my mom. How could she do this to me when she knew how hard I was studying in school and how hard I was trying to provide a better future for US. I would do anything to move out. But I can't get a job because of my depression, I can barely talk to people. Even with all of my depression, I've been extremely motivated to pursue my career and now that this has happened, I've lost all motivation because I know if I get charged, my career will be over anyway.

I have a psychiatrist that I'll be seeing in a week. He's likely going to tell me to start taking medication again because I stopped during school. I'm going to follow his directions this time because I really understand now that I NEED to be on medication. But how can I talk to him about this? What can he say? I was wrong and no one can tell me otherwise. How do I make myself feel better when I literally want to give up everything and live in a shelter, just to get away.

Do you think i'm justifed to be mad at my mom? and should I move out?

[rls27]

For starters, it sounds as though you mom was under a tremendous amount of stress in her life and was suffering from her own demons. Chances are she wasn't in a proper frame of mind when she persuaded you to commit this crime, and she pulled out all the stops by using guilt as leverage. Sometimes you don't realize how far you've fallen until you hit the bottom. Some people never realize it. As people spiral downward, they make compromises. They compromise their morals, their better judgment, their sense of right and wrong. It's a gradual process and they rationalize their way into things they normally wouldn't if they were otherwise healthy or strong.

Try not to beat her up to badly over this. Your mom suffered a moment of weakness, we all do. Some are better equipped to make the right choices under pressure, some aren't. It sounds as though your mom suffered from severe depression, enough to try and take her own life at one point. Try to find some compassion for her.

As for yourself, don't beat yourself up too badly either. You made a compromise because you love your mother. Though you may have made a poor decision when commiting this crime, you acted out of loyalty to your mom and out of the guilt she put upon you. You're allowed to forgive yourself. If it wasn't a serious crime and the statute of limitations has passed, let it go. If no one was hurt and you learned something from all of this, you need to leave it in the past and move on. You know you are a good person and you won't go on a crime spree. You've worked hard to get where you are.

This may seem out of place, but if you can find it in your heart to forgive your mom, the next thing you should do is find a way to tell her you love her. If you can't do it face to face, write her a note and place it in a card. Leave out any negative stuff, keep it positive and tell her how much you love her and why you love her. You have to be the bigger of the two, you have to be the adult here who is thinking with a clearer head. Set aside your pride and make the first move.

[Amber98]

ps: I just wanted to add that although I say I hate my mom and want to get away from her, I think I'm just lying to myself. My mom is the only person I have in this entire world. I live with her and dont think I've talked to her for the past year, but I care for her so much. She's tried to commit suicide in the past by eating a bottle of sleeping pills. I keep rememebering that day, I was so young and I saved her life by calling the police when her own family wouldn't. I remember the feeling when they thought they couldn't revive her, it was the worst feeling ever.

My father passed away a while ago and I never got to tell him I love him. The same thing is going to happen with my mother because after what she did, I can't bring myself to talk to her. Despite her being poor, I can't condone what neither of us did. I'm sorry but when I have children, I'd rather beg on the street than make the commit crimes for me.