HOCD/Anxiety

[thebudguy12]

Hey everyone, thanks for taking the time to read this. If you could respond in any way, I would greatly appreciate it. Recently, in the past month of so, I've been having gay thoughts at random times, and they're very unwanted. I'm a 21 year old college student, have had a couple of past short-term gf's, "sort-of" a virgin, and am short (5'5"). I tell you that because I haven't been on a date in about 10 months, and starting as of a month ago, haven't had any female interests. I've been getting depressed lately and my confidence has really taken a hit. I just feel like no girl would want to date me, particularly because I'm short and chubby, and who wants that today?

As of about a month ago, I started having these gay thoughts pop into my head at random times, just thinking about a movie I watched and go...man, George Clooney is good looking...things like that. These are VERY unwanted, and I've never had them before. When I was younger, my good friend and I would talk about girls, our penises, normal guy stuff. And throughout the years we've hung out a few times, and watched porn together, and seen each other. It's a turn on to me, in an "excitement" kind of way. I have no interest in doing anything with him, I don't want to date, kiss, suck, nothing like that at all. But I have always found penises to be really interesting and exciting, and have looked at porn before for that. Having said that, I've never wanted ANYTHING with a guy, and I still don't, but my mind keeps suggesting maybe I do. It keeps saying things like "ooo, you think he's hot don't you, bet you want to do something with him." But I don't!! It's making me second guess things in the past that I've done with girls, and it has significantly lowered my sex drive. I don't want to look at guys for fear that my mind will tell me I want to do something with them, and I don't want to look at girls because my mind is telling me that I'm gay.

I want a life with a wonderful, loving, caring woman, and I can't wait for the day when I have a beautiful family. Having kids and raising a family, confiding in my wife, this is all I want out of life. If I can be the best husband a man can be and raise my kids well, I will die happy. In my heart and soul I know this is what I want, but I feel like my mind keeps going...well what if it's with a guy. I don't want that!! But it keeps coming into my mind. I'm becoming so frustrated here! I wonder if my loneliness and lack of confidence is leading my mind to believe that I want to be with a guy. I really have zero doubt that I want to be with a woman, but I do find myself watching guys in porn and things like that. I'm just so confused.

Then I think about how I did theater in high school, I like Josh Groban, and don't have a problem talking about my feelings. That said, I love football, beer, and hammers too . I just need to know if this is HOCD, if I'm gay or bi, should I see a therapist/doctor, and just in general what the hell is going on here and why I'm having these thoughts all of a sudden. It led me to tears tonight and some suicidal thoughts. God bless the internet for having a mask to hide behind, eh? Anyway, I don't want to ramble too long, but if you can please comment that would be great. Feel free to ask any questions, I'm an open book. Thanks so much everyone. -Brian

[lilly_bug03]

I strongly suggest you go to www.freetobeme.com they definitely helped me sort out some things.

[Julia2010]

Have you gone to to the site Stuckinadoorway? They may be of more help to u, if noone can reply here.

[thebudguy12]

Could anyone offer some thoughts, I'd really appreciate it.