Aa
Heart broken
There is this guy that I have fallen very head over heels over...we'll call him Aaron. Aaron is a friend of mine from another online community. I met my husband online, and that didn't work out at all, so I have been very wary of meeting people online. But his personality was so smart and funny that I immediately started liking him.
About a month ago we started interacting with each other outside of the online community by email. Like I said, he's very smart, and makes me laugh, and he even admitted that he had a crush on me. I was so elated. I told him that I liked him too. It was very high school-ish. lol. But for the past two weeks he has been all I've been thinking about. Even when I tried to concentrate on something else, I always came back to Aaron. The world just seemed so much brighter.
Well tonight I finally caught him while was online and we were talking via messenger. I was so freaking happy I was actually talking to him and not waiting and waiting for his next email. We were having a nice conversation when he mentioned a girl we both knew from the online community, how he thought she was nice and sweet, and I felt understandably confused. I said "So you like my cousin? (because I call her my cousin, and another girl, Tricia, I call my sister)" "He said he wouldn't try to go for her, but he did think that Tricia is "something else." Tricia is a smart girl for such a young age. I told him "Yeah, she's an old soul." and he said, "Yep, that's how I roll. But she's way too young." At this point I just felt so crushed. I told him that I had to get going and to have a good weekend.
You guys, I have never felt so monumentally foolish in all my life. I've never really dated anyone...I got married at 19 and at 22, me and my husband are getting separated. I told Aaron that we are living apart but I'm actually moving out in a month. I just didnt' want to scare him off. But the point is I felt so sorrowful. I had so much happiness because of Aaron. We would talk and exchange thoughts like old friend, and the first time I get to talk to him outside of email, he's talking about other women. I would honestly check my inbox ten times a day hoping to hear from him, even wrote a poem about the guy. I can't sleep at all. I just lay in my bed and silently cried. Then I went and sat in the shower for an hour, now here I am at 2:20 in the morning typing this out because I still can't sleep. I don't even want to get up to go to work tomorrow.
This is so painful. I think he is staying away from me because I am still married. I want to write to him and ask him what went wrong, but then again I don't want to write to him because I know I'll sound like an emotional wreck (Actually I AM an emotional wreck. I just don't want him to know that). I was hinging all my happiness on him but now I am back to being sad and destitute. Why does this hurt so freaking bad? I know this all sounds very girlish but I guess it's evidence of how much growing up I have to do. Thanks for reading. :-(
About a month ago we started interacting with each other outside of the online community by email. Like I said, he's very smart, and makes me laugh, and he even admitted that he had a crush on me. I was so elated. I told him that I liked him too. It was very high school-ish. lol. But for the past two weeks he has been all I've been thinking about. Even when I tried to concentrate on something else, I always came back to Aaron. The world just seemed so much brighter.
Well tonight I finally caught him while was online and we were talking via messenger. I was so freaking happy I was actually talking to him and not waiting and waiting for his next email. We were having a nice conversation when he mentioned a girl we both knew from the online community, how he thought she was nice and sweet, and I felt understandably confused. I said "So you like my cousin? (because I call her my cousin, and another girl, Tricia, I call my sister)" "He said he wouldn't try to go for her, but he did think that Tricia is "something else." Tricia is a smart girl for such a young age. I told him "Yeah, she's an old soul." and he said, "Yep, that's how I roll. But she's way too young." At this point I just felt so crushed. I told him that I had to get going and to have a good weekend.
You guys, I have never felt so monumentally foolish in all my life. I've never really dated anyone...I got married at 19 and at 22, me and my husband are getting separated. I told Aaron that we are living apart but I'm actually moving out in a month. I just didnt' want to scare him off. But the point is I felt so sorrowful. I had so much happiness because of Aaron. We would talk and exchange thoughts like old friend, and the first time I get to talk to him outside of email, he's talking about other women. I would honestly check my inbox ten times a day hoping to hear from him, even wrote a poem about the guy. I can't sleep at all. I just lay in my bed and silently cried. Then I went and sat in the shower for an hour, now here I am at 2:20 in the morning typing this out because I still can't sleep. I don't even want to get up to go to work tomorrow.
This is so painful. I think he is staying away from me because I am still married. I want to write to him and ask him what went wrong, but then again I don't want to write to him because I know I'll sound like an emotional wreck (Actually I AM an emotional wreck. I just don't want him to know that). I was hinging all my happiness on him but now I am back to being sad and destitute. Why does this hurt so freaking bad? I know this all sounds very girlish but I guess it's evidence of how much growing up I have to do. Thanks for reading. :-(
I think you realizing that you feel like you dont exist unless you have the attention of a male is a breakthrough for you, please follow through and take action. You show alot of insight in your posts. The fear of being alone is a bitc*. It is like the saying if a tree falls and no one is ...well you know it.
No one but a woman can make me feel like a man, and they must be cute and perky; so I throw in some shallowness for good measure, recipe for disaster when your short and bald. when I dont have a woman I can barely watch TV or listen to music.
The scene in As Good as it Gets when Helen Hunt cries to her mother about starting to hate couples and how she hates seeing them happy says it all. This line of thinking is a killer. I hope you get a great therapist and lay it all on the line. best of luck to you.
kevin
No one but a woman can make me feel like a man, and they must be cute and perky; so I throw in some shallowness for good measure, recipe for disaster when your short and bald. when I dont have a woman I can barely watch TV or listen to music.
The scene in As Good as it Gets when Helen Hunt cries to her mother about starting to hate couples and how she hates seeing them happy says it all. This line of thinking is a killer. I hope you get a great therapist and lay it all on the line. best of luck to you.
kevin
Are we "awesome?"
Maybe.
But YOU are the one doing all the work, here. And we are well aware of that.
Keep on, keepin' on.
-S
Maybe.
But YOU are the one doing all the work, here. And we are well aware of that.
Keep on, keepin' on.
-S
Thanks a lot for writing to me about your experience. I'm really happy that you and your wife have had a breakthrough. I hope your relationship really improves because of it.
I know that one of the problems i have is that my dad was abusive emotionally and physically. I've always been attached to someone of the opposite sex, as in being very strongly, intensley infatuated with someone. I remember when I was in high school I was literally obesessed with one of the 28-year-old staff members. Poor guy. I was practically his shadow. lol. But he was a good friend and role model to me. I just wish I hadn't been so emotionally dependent on him.
Come to think of it, when my dad finally left my mom, shortly after I jumped into my first marriage, which has ended badly. I've told myself many times before, "I don't need to be in a relationship right now. I need to get my head on straight first," but i still have this drive to seek out male attention. Part of it stems from my dad. He did the best he could, I believe, but it was still hard having to grow up with a dad like him.
So yeah, I need to get to therapy. I am going to go to make an appointment with my primary care doctor tomorrow to see if it's PTSD and if she can refer me to a psych. Thanks again you guys. You are all awesome.
I know that one of the problems i have is that my dad was abusive emotionally and physically. I've always been attached to someone of the opposite sex, as in being very strongly, intensley infatuated with someone. I remember when I was in high school I was literally obesessed with one of the 28-year-old staff members. Poor guy. I was practically his shadow. lol. But he was a good friend and role model to me. I just wish I hadn't been so emotionally dependent on him.
Come to think of it, when my dad finally left my mom, shortly after I jumped into my first marriage, which has ended badly. I've told myself many times before, "I don't need to be in a relationship right now. I need to get my head on straight first," but i still have this drive to seek out male attention. Part of it stems from my dad. He did the best he could, I believe, but it was still hard having to grow up with a dad like him.
So yeah, I need to get to therapy. I am going to go to make an appointment with my primary care doctor tomorrow to see if it's PTSD and if she can refer me to a psych. Thanks again you guys. You are all awesome.
Wow JSGeare, great advice and computer skills. sagine i have your problem, the same if i dont have someone of the opposite sex i dont exist problem. you are young, seek therapy as jsgeare says NOW. i and my wife of 8 yrs are going through tough times, we had a breakthrough though last night at 5am, aa meeting, posting here, and a long long revealing talk with my wifeand i am better than i have been in awhile, if she would have left...??????????
the truth though i still have the problem and fear i allways will, it is the main cause of my depression and anxiety. sagine your fear of not existing without a mate is maybe the root of yours.
it is fear of abandonment and being alone for me. i know that i can only get wholeness from within myself, but cant live that. i also know men and women seeking a companion is natural if done in a normal ( whatever that is) way. why do you think the radio, and television, film and most likely caveman paintings are filled with the broken heart please come back blah blah..theme?
aaron as you now know is not the one to pin your hopes and dreams on. get yourself straight take time, dont even think about a relationship for a long time. when you love yourself you will find the right person, i have NO doubt.....kcdem
the truth though i still have the problem and fear i allways will, it is the main cause of my depression and anxiety. sagine your fear of not existing without a mate is maybe the root of yours.
it is fear of abandonment and being alone for me. i know that i can only get wholeness from within myself, but cant live that. i also know men and women seeking a companion is natural if done in a normal ( whatever that is) way. why do you think the radio, and television, film and most likely caveman paintings are filled with the broken heart please come back blah blah..theme?
aaron as you now know is not the one to pin your hopes and dreams on. get yourself straight take time, dont even think about a relationship for a long time. when you love yourself you will find the right person, i have NO doubt.....kcdem
Thanks a lot. You're right, we are just naturally driven to seek companionship.
Aaron mentioned in his last email that he has a girlfriend....oy. Now I feel really dumb. I guess the crush he has on me isn't a serious one. No wonder he felt comfy talking about the other girls to me. This sucks...I don't feel as bad as last time but still. :-(
Aaron mentioned in his last email that he has a girlfriend....oy. Now I feel really dumb. I guess the crush he has on me isn't a serious one. No wonder he felt comfy talking about the other girls to me. This sucks...I don't feel as bad as last time but still. :-(
Don't get me wrong. On the seeking love thing, bear in mind that seeking love is what we all do. Not doing so is not an option, for most of us, anyway. Seeking isn't the problem. FINDING is the problem. And cleaning out that old garage will help you do just that! You go, girl.
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