Hello,
I'm trying to identify the name of a type of anxiety I'm currently going through, and trying to find solutions for it.
I grew up moving from one country to another because of my father's profession ("global nomad"), and five years ago suffered from my parents' divorce and the cut-off of financial support from my dad. Through my teenage years, I went through many humiliations at the hands of relatives, teachers, and other "guidance" figures who treated me in an orphan-like manner (as I lived with my grandparents). Now, during my early twenties, although on the surface I have mostly managed to keep things together in a calm and sophisticated manner (since social acceptance is of paramount importance to global nomads, and a source of stability), inside I go through extremely strong emotional attachments to different people - grandmother, friends, etc. and constantly fear abandonment or loss (although I try to not let it show... it comes out in times of transition and crisis though, like when someone is dying or now that I just graduated college and am afraid to leave my friends and continue with my life elsewhere).
During college, by the way, I was diagnosed by a psychiatrist with "ADD" for distractability and lack of good organzational and decision-making skills (I get panicky when making big life decisions, and "freeze"), although some of the obsessions I sometimes go through seem the same as "OCD" to me (I've obsessed for months at a time about having possibly contracted HIV and go to get repeatedly tested). I also had bulimia during my college years, which I got over by myself (and had a year of subsequent panic attacks).
This last year, since I graduated (in the US), I have been unable to go back to Sao Paulo where my mother lives with her family, because of the emotional/psychological attachment I have formed with my campus and the friends I've had there. As of yet, I have been unable to find a good job to fill in the time between now and graduate school, and I have been taking Prozac which has helped alleviate some of the obsessive thoughts (like the fear of committing suicide and several other extreme phobias, like the fear of choking).
But many of the phobias still persist. The fear of going home (even though I have been sick and exhausted, and everyone I know tells me it would be good to rest at my mother's for a few weeks) when I remember all the hard things I went through there as a teenager, the fear of the airport and the plane (when I remember the hysterics I went through in other major times of transition at airports before), of certain city streets I remember from back home (when I remember myself wandering alone in them or afraid), etc. I get scared of being "trapped" back in Sao Paulo and my mother's house and not being able to get on with my life, but I also fear the same thing of Boston (where I'm currently at), of being stuck here forever (and alone). I'm always fearful of being trapped, of someday ending up incarcerated in a mental hospital or jail, etc. I've gotten fearful of other silly things (which sound absurd) - blue-collar people, dreary middle-class people (which I guess is a fear of being around people with whom I feel emotionally disconnected), not being around my rich friends (or being rich myself), etc. I react strongly to bright colors, light, sound, music, etc. and can be comforted or troubled by the intensity or kind of any of these (posh nightclubs with lots of bright colors put me at ease... so do certain movies and music... the grey steely sky outside can unnerve me... or hanging out with my emotionally disconnected sister and her cold boyfriend...)
Especially, in regards to the latter (the fear of being trapped and the reaction to colors), what is all this? The psychiatrist - who I can scarcely afford to see - doesn't have many insights, except that he doesn't think I'm psychotic (only neurotic)... And I am self-aware, so I think that's a start to recovery... But so far the panic and emotions beats my common sense and what I know is "real" every time I'm going through major stress (like during this time of transition from college to the next step). I've been trying to make myself go home for a few weeks and rest, yet my silly fears have taken over, and I can't get on the plane. I'm stuck in this false "safety zone" of rich friends and good college memories even though it's over and time to move on... (And I shouldn't have to be in a bubble to feel all right...)
Thanks for taking the time to listen and help with opinions and potential advice on what I can read or do to cope better with the matter... :)