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Hocd or gay denial?
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Hocd or gay denial?

So I'm a 17 year old girl. I've suffered with fluctuating anxiety, ocd and depression my whole life. I remember from the ages of like 4 and up I've always had crushes on boys. Throughout elementary and middle I've always liked boys, and even during elmentary when a female friend wanted to experiment I thought I was gross but I was curious. I had male friends growing up too, in middle and elementary, and I've almost always been attracted to them. I've been raised to think homosexuality is okay at least with my parents and current friends, and I have nothing against gay/bi people. My best friend is bi. But I think back and recall a few times when I would be sexually attracted to female friends or at least thought I was, but the thought of doing anything about it grossed me out. I have had same sex fantasies before too, and kissed girls and whatnot, but I never really thought anything of it. One Halloween I did enjoy kissing a female friend or thought I did. And then I saw her again and kept y distance because I got extreme anxiety and feared I would be into her or sexually attracted to her. Now everytime I'm around my pretty friends I have these thoughts of "maybe you would wanna be with them." And "you are attracted to her" and stuff like that but then I freak out and I'm like no it's not true. I also constantly check my sexual orientation, make sure my attraction to guys is real, and have a constant doubt of my sexual orientation. I would honestly hate to be gay or bi and it would change my whole life and identity and that scares the **** out of me. I avoid certain situations if there's pretty girls because I'm scared ill get feelings for them although I've never had feelings for girls in the past. Yeah I've had sexual fantasies or wondered what it would be like but I never really wanted to act on it and crushes on boys came naturally along with the physical attraction. I check out guys in public, search out guys, I even have a huge thing for a guy right now. I've never been unsure about my sexual orientation even when I thought about like girl on girl or what it's like to be eaten out by a girl or whatever. Like I always thought "if I'm bi, I'm bi" but I could never see myself with a girl even though I have those thoughts that make me think "what if you could?" Sometimes sexual things with a girl seem interesting but when I think about myself actually doing them I get repulsed. I constantly doubt if I'm really into guys when something happens like I don't enjoy the sex or I lose interest in the guy. I'm like maybe I've always been a lesbian or bi in denial? But I wouldn't fear if people found out, id fear because it just doesn't feel like me. I don't know what to do because the thoughts never go away. I've even been in love once and my brain makes me doubt if that was even legit. I look back into my past to find evidence of me being straight but I always think I'm lying to myself. I don't know what to do. I have constant worry and anxiety and these unwanted thoughts but part of me feels like I'm just repressing what I want because I don't want to admit I'm gay. I mean I know I've had same sex attraction. But I'm
Pretty sure every straight person has at one time or another. But I can't stop obsessing and it's ruining my life. Everything I like with a boy, like all the cute romantic or sexual stuff, I question if I would like it with a girl too and the thoughts make me even avoid tv shoes and stuff for fear of them turning me gay. I go about my life as a straight perso and it feels right but these thoughts make me feel like it doesn't and I'm just in denial. I know deep down in my heart in straight but maybe I'm not? And I just can't accept it? I'm so lost, someone please help me. The thoughts tell me I want these things with girls or I want to be with girls and stuff but then my brain is like NO you know you like guys, and I feel repulsed or scared or anxious about being with girls. But I can't stop the checking or the thoughts that won't go away and I'm so confused.  I've been curious in the past but when girls hit on me I get uncomfortable. I never check out girls in public unless to compare myself to them.
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Also-- my brain makes me think I want the things I want with boys, with girls instead. Even though I know I don't. I just don't get it. If it's hocd why have I enjoyed girl on girl stuff or fantasies in the past? Like when I was early on in puberty? There were few but I do remember those few times. I was so focused on what it would be like to be eaten out I don't even care who did it I don't think. But now all those thoughts about girls gross me out and give me anxiety.
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