Agoraphobic Mind | an inside view

[konzine]

Hello all, new here.

So, a brief breakdown I guess. I'm 21 years old, I have been stuck within a 5 mile radius of the house I am writing this on now for about 3 years and some change now. I've been having panic attacks since I was maybe 13 years old, but they never constricted my life by any means (other than not flying on planes, due to just being scared of it going down in a flaming ball of twisted metal an.... yeah.). When I was 18 years old, I suffered a panic attack in a store. It was so bad for me, I had to run out to my car, and drive home as fast as possible.

Luckily, I was only about 2 minutes from my house, but I nearly wrecked twice in those 2 minutes. I could barely see, I was doing well over 80 MPH the entire way home. From then, everything went into a downward spiral. I noticed within the weeks after I started avoiding going out, and I knew what it was from. Unfortunately then, I didn't know what it would lead up too. Within the year, I had full blown Agoraphobia. I couldn't leave, it's not that I wouldn't, I just literally could not do it without having a panic attack.

Since then, the past 3 years have been a living hell for me. I lost the woman I love because of this, and many friends. Luckily, I work on the computer as a Tech Consultant, so I do not have to leave home for that... But al; the same this is extremely debilitating.

It has gotten to the point where anything will set me off. As I type this now I'm feeling anxious because my left hand is hurting, probably due to typing, but I immediately associate that with heart attack, stroke or anything along those lines. I often have a fear of passing out, even without feelings of light headedness. I avoid all my friends as much as possible, though they try to come and visit me. I often have a fear of losing my mind. Not that i'm going to suddenly go insane, but that I won't be able to come out of a panic attack one day, or I'll develop some sort of mental disease like schizophrenia or a Personality Disorder. I am often afraid I will go to bed, and wake up a different person. Not me, not remember A thing.

I realize how insane this must sound. Trust me, I really do. I was that kid in highschool who was a varsity football player, went to all the parties, had the nice car worked at the local hang-out spot.

I work out a few times a week, I have to as I don't get excersize at all due to RARELY going outside. The strange thing is, I don't feel depressed. Sure, sometimes I feel unhappy, but to be honest I feel quite content. I'm always in a good mood, even while having a panic attack I can kind of laugh at the situation. I often catch myself saying "Brett, dude, this is just ridiculous.. knock it off man..".

I can't get to a therapist. Closest one is over 24 miles away. I am TERRIFIED of taking meds. Any kind. I don't even drink alcohol because I don't like the head change. I always have a feeling that i'm alone in all this, and nothing can fix it.

I am truly afraid, that I will forever be stuck like this.

Thanks for listening. If anyone has any advice, or a story, or a life changing book I Just HAVE to read that will fix this, let me know. I know there is no such thing as a cure-all remedy for this other than my own brain. It can fix its self, I just need to know how. Show me the door friends..

[MrGreen]

From one agorophobic to another, welcome to the forum. Not a nice thing at all. But we do learn to survive in our little ways. It is really only at the very start when we are trying to make sense of everything that it can be hard and hurt us the most. To see the life we lived go by and us sitting indoors looking it. Not been able to be out there taken part in it. Dare I say I have been 20 years at this game now. By now I can go out. But my life is built around the condition. There is so much I will do. So much I wouldn't do. But the fact that I do go out and go on trains and buses and head into a packed town, shows that we can overcome it to some extent. There will always be setbacks. They come with the turf. When we fall flat on our faces. But we have to treat them as just setbacks. I don't know how much you are up for. As in how much fight you have in you at the moment? Medication is only part of the answer. A tiny part. The biggest part is facing up to that which we fear the most. It is never easy at all. Especially at first. You just want to run away from it. Back indoors. Safe zone. But the longer you stick it out in places you feel worse of all the more you will learn that it does pass just as easy as it came on. I am not suggesting you run out of your house and take on the world. Far from it. We tend to do it slowly. Bit by bit. Until we adapt to the new feelings. Much like a young child learning about things. We do have to train ourselves all over again. I am sure a therapist would be telling you exactly this. You would learn ways to cope. Be it by using distraction methods. When you really sit down and think about it, maybe use a page, there is so much linked together. We are feeling down. Our mood. We get a thought in our heads. We react to that thought. That brings about symptoms. A therapist would be trying to get you to change even one of those mentioned. As they all have a knock on effect on the other. The heart is pounding. Your thought - I think I am having a heart attack. You reaction - Ring an ambulance. Symptoms - Sweating, fast heartbeat. They all go hand in hand. You would work on trying to see could you have thought in a different way? Reacted in a different way? This is just a brief look at the kind of things a therpist may work with you on. But they would also search out the root cause of your problem. Which is important to find. As for medication? I always hated it. Used to stir well clear of it. I had to give in come the end of the day. I needed it. I take a fair few tablets at the moment. All without ill effect at all. The fears I used to have about side effects of medication. What would I be like on them. Would they change who I was. Turns out they only helped me come the end of the day. Wasted fears. But that is something we tend to do a lot. Waste our time worrying about things. To us they are all real things. But when we look closer they are things we brought on. Id we ever get a good day. No bad feelings at all. We wonder why not? We think ' this is not right '. Because we are so used to feeling a certain way. It can be an odd auld life indeed. Just hope you can manage to get the help you need. The quicker you do get that help the better for you. The longer you leave it the more deep rooted your problems will become. Best of luck with things.

[Chrissy1972]

Typo on the above i have  ..Anxiety & panic disorder..i wrote sufferer LOL

[Chrissy1972]

Hi there

I feel for you and am so sorry you too have this illness. I have been a anxiety & sufferer for almost 20 yrs.  I have had agoraohobic moments but its never been as debilitating as your is. That might be because I did try meds. One med that tends to really help agoraphibics is a benzo class, xanax, klonopin, ativan etc... Since you are afraid of meds ( i am too) this is the one drug I noticed did not make my brain feel weird. If anything it just calmed me down when having an attack. It can be used as needed especially xanax usully within 10-15 mins it kicks in. By taking this med it might help you get to a therapist and get the help you need. You aer so young and have a full life ahead of you. You do not need to be homebound forever. I have an aunt who could not leave the edge of her driveway for 15 yrs, she is traveling cross country, driving, working etc all through the help of therapy and meds. Do you have a local GP you can get to?  

[r9c]

Hi,i know wat ur going through,i experienced that before..up till now i hardly drive further than 20km from my house,most of the time is to my office to work..and its a struggle.
Please do not give up,i know its overwhelming info,but we must try no matter wat to regain our old self back,i have met former panic attack sufferes and the main point is they do not give up and recovery dosent happened overnite because it takes time and patience.Like you i do enjoyed a lot playing football but since july this year after my 1st panic attack,i never play again because i might afraid those symptoms of panic attack might just went out of control..despite all those heart test i have done and lungs..the doctor have even stated i have an athletic heart.But i do plan to play football one of these days again but with my current conditions of panic attack i dun think i might but i am willing to take baby steps towards it..recovery.And for ur info no panic attack sufferes have become schizophrenia,this is because people who suffered with schizophrenia arent even awared that they are going insane..you have to believe this,at one point i tought of myself losing my sanity..but then after talking with so many former panic attack sufferes and thats wat they think too in the begining.so its normal for us to feel like that.