It's OK, You're OK

[jlroesner]

Thank you all so much for your thoughts and kind words.  I am typically a pretty positive person, I think.  And to be quite honest, that was my first post and not a very good representation of who I am, it's just one small little aspect of me that I let roar for the rest of me...  For many many years now, I have had anxiety as my companion.  I don't usually like to say that I "suffer" from anxiety because I feel that gives anxiety too much power over me.  I'm not too keen on calling it a "companion" either because that almost sounds too friendly.  And, believe me, we are not friends.  It's more like a mother in law that I tolerate...  In any case, I digress.  I want my message in this life to be one of hope, of courage, of never giving up, of never giving in.  Sometimes I live by this, sometimes it's really hard and I cling to these thoughts like a drowning man saying them over and over.  I will survive is my mantra.  Isn't it funny how certain words from a therapist can stick in your head?  I swear sometimes I still hear my favorite therapist saying to me:  "You are OK, your brain is playing tricks on you, but really you are OK".  And you know what?  I am.  Though it can be tough to convince myself sometimes.  In my years of dealing with anxiety and depression, I have tried many therapies and tried them all with vigor and hope and 110% commitment.  I am the kind of person who follows the rules, believes in being safe rather than sorry, and has a relentless hope in that "tomorrow is another day".  I have been on almost every medication there is (at least it feels like that) and I take them religously regardless of side effects, etc.  I meditate daily.  I don't exercise, though I should.  I smoke like a chimney, though I shouldn't.  I am overweight and can only eat at night, usually sweets.  I am a wife, mother, a sister, a friend, a published author, a mental health advocate, a fighter, a full-time nursing student at age 30-something, and I am ill.  It's taken me A LOT of years to break through the denial and recognize that I AM ILL.  I have a very real disease with a very real diagnosis and a very real prognosis.   And though it is all mental, it is not all in my head.  It is real and I will work as hard as I can to achieve the highest level of wellness for me.  But, I need some help to do this.  No one would ask a man with one leg to walk without a crutch, right?  So I will no longer try to do this alone.  That brings me here.  My husband and I and our kids recently moved six states away from all of my support systems.  My husband, God love him, has little patience to listen to me anymore and to be honest with you, I don't blame him.  It's hard for someone who doesn't walk in our shoes to understand why we cant just jump into a car or why we have to suddenly leave the movies.  And so, I turn to you.  My fellow fighters, who understand this path.  Who understand that none of my irrational fears make sense but are terrifying none-the-less.  Who understand that some days you just need someone to tell you "It's OK, you're OK.  It's just your brain playing tricks on you...."  

[Alisonj29]

Thank you for your post. And you are ok! As hard as it is to believe at the time, we truly are ok and will be ok.
Hugs to you!!

[DJ873]

and my friend you are ok and it is our brain playing tricks on us. I often have my fairly well self write to my sicker self so that i do remember it is a trick and thoughts don't make truth and i have felt all of this before and didn't die. I too try to stay upbeat and determined. as well but some days its ok to just take care of me and regroup.
I would like to mark you as a friend and share helpful things if that is ok with you