Lifelong Anxiety and Mental Pain

[jeanette1952]

I am 62 years old.  Anxiety has ruled my entire life...since my first memories at about 3 years old.  My father (has been deceased since 1986) was an abuser (physical, emotional and sexual).   My first memory is of hearing my older brother screaming.  He was about 4 years old and could not yet tie his shoes...so he was beaten.  I had never known anything but stress, anxiety/fear and physical pain until I finally got out of there at 19 years old. Just a little not:e:  I had a full eye exam this year with a real opthamologist and found there has been trauma to my eyes from his banging my head against walls for so many years.  My mother never really did anything to stop him.  I was scared to come home everyday from school.  He rarely worked....my mother worked every day.  He would get a job and somehow lose it.   There were six of us kids.  Two boys abd four girls.   He sexually abused all but the youngest sister...I am pretty sure he never messed with the boys sexually.  Just always telling me especially how stupid I was and ugly.  My younger brother and I got the worst from him with physical abuse.  My older brotheer was treated in a Jekyll and Hyde fashion.  One day he would be almost "kind" to him and the next being abused.  I always was glad I knew where  stood with him.  I felt sorry for my older brother in a way.  He never knew what to expect.  My younger brother and I both knew he hated us. No one ever visited us or did he let us outside to play.  Never had friends and family members rarely visited except for my grandmother (my mother's mom).  She was the closest thing to a savior we had.  She called the police on him a few times but he always talked his way out of everything.  Back in the '50's and '60's if you were abused you were in bad shape.  The authorities did not get involved very often.  

I met my husband when I was 19 years old.  I had never even been to a grocery store.  The only places I ever went was to school and then to work in a government office after high school graduation.  He was 9 years older and opened up a whole new world to me.  We had two children and I immersed myself in my new family.  Mother came to live with me when my father died.  She lived with us for 14 years until her death at 70.  Many times I endeavored to ask her questions which she always dodged.  She never did tell any of us why she stayed with him.  She had many aunts and her mother to help her leave.   Whatever the answers to those questions were, she took them to her grave.

My husband and I divorced when the kids grew up and left...we had totally grown apart.  i began a relationship with another person who tried to hit me.  Needless to say he was out of there quick.  No one since.  I have had anxiety attacks over all these years and was able to suppress it most when my kids were young.  they turned out so well considering all that had happened to me.  Now it is back in full force worse that it has ever been.  I am frightened of everything.  I just had a bout with A Fib and found that it was associated with my anxiety.  I have never known  what it is to be happy.  I am experiencing PTSD now and the beginnings of agoraphobia.  Maybe happiness and love awaits me in the next life.  The love of my children is the only real love I have ever known.  I am sad and depressed and don't know where to turn now.  Found this site by posting about health issues here.  Even if no one reads it, at least I got it off my chest.    Thanks to whomever read it.

[jeanette1952]

I don't ever talk about this with anyone.  After the A Fib incident I felt maybe getting it off my chest so to speak would help me a little.  I think it did.  Maybe because I have never really verbalized it to anyone and kept it inside all this time has not been good.  It felt good to release some of it.  You are in a somewhat similar situation with your wife so you identified a little with it. I do walk 30 minutes each day but by myself.  Like I said before I am going to endeavor to get some help and am certainly going to try and go to church.  Thank you so much for your input.  It is really appreciated.  I hope your wife is getting the help she needs.  But most important of all she has you.    

[Jerry_NJ]

I got your note, thank you.

It sounds like you are on the right track.

The best way I now to make friends is to find one or more interests, then join in something that focuses on that interest.  Some ideas/examples:
Bird Watching, Hiking, Cards/games, movies, books, exercise.... all of these things are offered in all communities. I think the first step is to develop and interest, it can be mostly questions, but a true interest.  Then join a group "doing" that and you'll find yourself taking with one or more and getting even more interested and developing friends.  

I'd recommend staying away from your "life story" with new friends... save that for a doctor, minister, or other person who deals with your pain.  My wife sees a psychiatrist and has worked with a psychological counseling.  She has not had a hard life in the context you have told us about, but she suffers nonetheless.  Aging doesn't help either, so get ahead of that "curve" now at the young age of 60.  We're older.  

[jeanette1952]

I did survive it.  Sometimes I find strength in that.  I am going to try and seek some help.  I want to go out and do things again.  I retired at 60 after 40 years of working.  Never was able to really make any friends...I tried.  Just never developed the social skills.  But I made sure my children did.  My daughter owns her own business and my son is a math and physics teacher.  They are my pride.  I have two wonderful grandchildren from my son...Elizabeth who is 6 years old and baby Ethan Wayne who is almost two months old.  Just got back from a visit with them with my daughter.  They live pretty far away.  But I will visit as often as I am able.

I want to go to church...maybe after I get some help I will be able to.  Thank you for responding...and for your empathy.  I really did not expect any responses.  It was so horrific I know folks do not know what to say.    
Sometimes it just helps to write it down...get it out so to speak.  If someone reads it and is driven to give to anti-child abuse organizations, more the better.  Thanks again for your kindness.

[Jerry_NJ]

I'm sure others have read but have nothing to say/advise.

The fact that you survived is testimony to your strength physically and mentally.  

You have your children, any grandchildren?, and that and friends (there some out there but you have to go out, get involved, look) are your best path to some level of happiness.  Most areas have a Senior Center (free, paid by local taxes) that is a place to met other people 60 and over.  How about church?  I am not a church goer myself, but it seem to be a big help to many people.

Be well, and go out and get involved in with people in productive and recreational activities... volunteer work at the Hospital is an idea, assuming you have the "spare" time.