kissed grandson

[justtinac46]

I kissed my (at the time) 2 year old grandson on the lips on Halloween 2010 and now my only son and his controling  wife will not let me see my two grandkids however her step mother kissed my grandson on the lips (they did not see this happen so in their eyes it did not happen) nor will that step parent tell them she kissed my grandson on the lips due to it will start a fight with my son's father in law. I was not invited to my grandson's 3rd bitrthday nor my granddaughters 1st birthday. Why is this and did I really do something wrong or is there and underlying isswue here with my son's wife?

[justtinac46]

Thank you for your comments and the insight. I am thinking abgout what you have stated here and will get back to some of the comments.

[JGF25]

I'm not sure to be honest with you.  I have a 17 year old son and while I know he loves me very much, he doesn't suffer me well if that makes any sense.  He has now been offered acceptance into 4 colleges which he and his father will be visiting.  I'm not going because I know that in his eyes I would "ask too many questions" and most likely ruin the experience for him.  I have to pick my battles.  I need to learn to just keep my mouth shut and I'm going to work on that now while I still can.

If this were my son at 28, I think that I would take a step back and work on healing myself.  Your son, you obviously love him, and I'm sure that your son loves you but just isn't showing it right now.  For situations like the birthday present, maybe you could text him (and I wouldn't call in case you get the DIL on the phone instead of your son) something like, "Happy birthday.  I have a present for you.  If you get a chance, stop by and pick it up.  Love mom."  Instead of the "don't leave me hanging thing."  You put it out there and hope he responds.  The DIL, well there is nothing you can do about that.  My sister has a DIL that is in prison right now.  Never in a million years thought that would happen.  Her son's life is completely turned upside down..ruined really by this woman.  So could it be worse, absolutely.  

You are just a few years older than me.  I think it is time for you to think about yourself now.  You have raised your son to the best of your abilities.  What happens from here on out is out of your control.  

Also, there is nothing wrong with texting your son and saying "if you get a chance, could you text me back a picture of the kids?  Love mom."  You are not saying anything bad, just asking to see your grandchildren in the most innocuous way possible.  Obviously you don't want to do this every day but after enough time has gone by send the text.  Always end with "Love mom" because really who is going to love them more than their mother and sometimes they need to be reminded of that.  

Again, I'm sorry you are even going through this.  

[justtinac46]

Thank you ever so much for your comment!  I feel the same as you do.  I do believe in "forgive and forgetting" however she has made the comment that she does not. One of her last text messages to me was: I don't care if I ever see or hear from you again".  Do you think my son did anything about this?  Yesterday was my son's birthday "28" and I called him last friday to see how he would like to get his gift, he stated he would probably stop by and get it, I asked him not to leave me hanging and call, however guess who still has the gift at her home?  I certainly do not call that respect from either one of them. I guess, maybe I should just try to FORGET I ever had him and the kids? Is that what a Mother of her only child and her only 2 grandkids should do in this situation?

[JGF25]

I'm just going to chime in here regarding your last statement about "Once a daughter always a daughter, once a son until he gets married."  I'm not sure statistically how valid that quote is.  I have read what everybody else said and unfortuantely your son may have picked who he thinks is a good person and a good mother but she apparently does have control issues.  This is a tough one and I'm not sure what I would do in your shoes or what you really can do except sit back and hope for the best.  Although I do agree with the others that said you should seek your own counseling because obviously this is causing you tremendous stress.  

I married a strong woman's son.  I loved her when she wasn't making me cry.  I listened to her tell me that not wearing the proper coat in cold weather caused me to have tendenitis...which I thought was utterly ridiculous but of course never said so.  When I asked her to help me with the kids on occasion, that didn't go well so when I found somebody else and gave up asking her I one day was handed a box of icepops with the statetment "Here I thought I would have the kids more."  I couldn't seem to do anything right but you know what, I kept trying because she was my husband's mother and she deserved respect from me.  In short, your daughter-in-law has the problem not you and she is not affording you the respect you deserve as her husband's mother.  And as a matter of fact, if I think back on it, she used to give them big hugs and I'm certain she kissed them on the lips when they were young.  

I hope it gets straightend out.  

[justtinac46]

Good Morning Anna,
My son and I had a fantastice relationship until the "controling" wife stepped in.  I was always told she wanted control of my son and to take him out of my life and she has completed her task at hand along with my grandchildern.  I and my family ALWAYS gave a peck to my son and all of my/our neices and nephews  on the lips, it is how I and they all grew up. My family doesn't understand either.  What I wonder, is if something happened to her when wshe was little? The wife is caucasian as we are, so no cultural differences here that I know of. As for defending: my son made it clear, it will always be his wife before me, part of that I understand however until death and even after, I will still be his MOTHER and maybe at that point he may realize what he has done and how he should have DEFENED his MOTHER and did not do so.  I had somoeone tell me once:  ONCE A DAUGHTER ALWAYS A DAUGHTER, ONCE A SONE UNTIL HE GETS MARRIED.  hmmmm.  Thank you for your comments and for understanding anc clarifing items.

[annalawny]

Hi, I agree basically w/ the folks here, that it sounds like your son and his wife are the problem, not you... and that they may have Issues which go wayyy beyond whether you kissed your grandson on the lips or not, perhaps requiring professional intervention, if they want to raise an emotionally and mentally healthy kid!  Further, some of the 'kissing on the lips' issue may be cultural (and this can be taken to mean ethnicity and customs, or family 'culture.').  Is your son's wife of the same cultural background that you are?  I grew up in a family where we would never think to kiss one another on the lips - if my grandfather had done so, I am sure my father / mother would have taken note, although I doubt he would have been 'banished' as a potential perv.  A quiet word would probably have resolved the issue.  

However, as repressed as my upbringing was, it appears, if the posts here are any indication, that a lot of folks do kiss relatives on the lips and it's no big deal.  I am a family lawyer, and as such, see folks who often fling around such accusations hoping to gain an edge in custody cases and so on.  If there was something 'passionate' about it, as someone said above, that could be seen as inappropriate...however, a 'peck' on the lips is, in my book, my family notwithstanding, No Big Deal and it seems like your relatives have bigger issues with you - did you and your son have a good relationship?  Like someone else said, he should step up and defend you - did you kiss him on the lips growing up?  If so, why would that appall him so now???  I hope they get help and that you get support.  Anna

[justtinac46]

Thank you for responding to my question and responding with such wonderful answers!

[chrystaltears]

I cannot imagine something like this.  I think if if was anything but innocent, you wouldn't even want the subject brought up on internet.

I just think it's the most precious thing in the world when my grandson comes up and kisses me right in the mouth and says 'mmm', like he's expressing the love he feels which he has copied from us.

I feel so so bad for you.  God bless you.  It will work out.  Just handle it like a lady, and it will work out the way it should.

[RubyWitch]

Thank you for stepping in. I was begining to feel a tad out of my depth with this one. I appreciate the back up.
Now...go give that grandson of yours a big "mammo" New Year kiss, yup, right on his sticky little lips!

[mammo]

Thanks Greenlydia, and I agree with what advice you have given here and really can't add much. I kiss my grandson on the lips, he will be 5 on Sunday, and can't imagine turning my cheek to him when he comes towards me with the sweetest kind of kiss.... one just for his grandma or as he calls me....mammo!  Greenlydia gave you some great advice and you did nothing wrong.

[RubyWitch]

So.......YOU saw the stepmother kiss YOUR grandson on the lips, but she is, apparently, not willing to come forward and "admit" to this. So either she thinks it might be inapproriate, she is afraid that SHE may be "shunned" just like you, or she has found a way to get you out of the picture.
Have you tried speaking with your son alone? If his wife has enough "control" over him to make him ban you from your own grandkids, both she and your son have issues that need dealing with on a professional level. Is there history that keeps your son from standing up and rigorously defending you?
What is your relationship like with the in-laws? The father in-law sounds like a world class moron.
I would still advise YOU to seek family counseling, which seems totally backwards, but it sounds like you're a bit outnumbered by 4-1 here and you need some help figuring out what the best way to handle this is. I wish I had some ideas, but I just don't.
Like you, I grew up in an era where a quick peck on the lips was normal and common and perfectly acceptable from relatives. Hell, I'm 60 years old and I still kiss my own brother on the lips. Wonder what the FIL would make of THAT!
There is a woman on our forum I'd like to have talk with you. She is pretty savvy with these kinds of situations. I will try to contact her.......her name is "mammo."
Hang in there, OK?
Peace
Greenlydia

[heartfluttersflyawayplz]

my heart is with you , i kiss my grandson and granddaughter on the lips because i love them, there is nothing wroong with that and for thoses who think there is than they are the ones with the dirty minds and needs help.

[justtinac46]

I am not a sex offender.  I am just a Mom/Grandmother who would LOVE to see her two grandkids.  I see nothing wrong with giveing your grandkid(s) a peck on the lips. Ladies and gents, did we not all do that when we were growing up with our parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles, you know close family?
I could see it if I was just a friend, but deear god, I am their grandmother!  Their fathers MOTHER for petesake!

[Jcrow28]

It would simply be conjecture for anyone whom was not there to say that your actions and behavior were innocent, but the same could be said as to your actions and behavior being considered Inappropriate. It's impossible for anyone to impartially tell you how that situation would have been perceived through their eyes; if they were not there.

That having been said, in my opinion I don't see anything truly wrong with that behavior unless the kiss was in someway perceived as 'passionate'. The rest of the story is too vague as to allow for any outside party to give an authentic response. I hope things improve for you in your relationships.

[RubyWitch]

Unless you are a registered sex offender, your son, his wife, her father and her stepmother need to get professional help for their destructive paranoia, which is tearing apart your family. I would suggest YOU seek therapy to learn how to handle and/or approach this situation.
There are a couple of forums here that may be able to help you better than I can. Log back in and look for other forums that concern relationships or family problems.
If you still feel lost, please post to us again and we'll do everything we can to help you.
Peace
Greenlydia