Need an advice :(

[marten81]

Hello everybody! Just wanted to share my problem with other people.

Well, I'm a 29 year married man. The problem is that I'm bisexual and sometimes I need to share my sex life with men. The problem is that everytime I do something with a man, I feel tones of guilt :(( The other problem is that eventhough I practice safe sex with men (just mutual masturbation and kissing) after that I'm really affraid of HIV. My anxiety starts 2 weeks after the event and last for 2-3 months until I go and have a HIV test.... I know how HIV is transmitted and that I've never been at risk, but still after kissing a man I can found all the simptoms of the HIV infection :((( that makes me feel very upset, I can't sleep well, wake up early in the morning and feel really bad :(((
I can't talk for this with my wife, that's why I need your help...

Is there anybody in the same situation? Any advice for me, how to feel better?

Many thanks in advance!

[pablo_papito]

Maybe I can help.

Despite my actual worries about HIV in the present (touched blood of a HIV+ friend with a small cut), I had other solved situations that could put your mind at ease.

I am not here to judge no one, nobody is even close to perfect, but if you love your wife, think ten (thousand) times before do something like you describe. For her and for your sake.

Well, my paranoia started when I was 18, totally unprotected sex with two man a whole city said to be HIV+. Didn´t get it.

Two times the condom broke (really broke) with CSW. Didn´t get it.

Lots of oral sex with CSW for some years. Didn´t get it.

All the episodes I had the test much after the window period.

Also like you, I felt lots of symptoms, sweats the most.

I am talking about 17 years man. And you now have this wonderful site with very caring people to help you. Try to focus in other things in your life, like making it better.

Now I am really taking care of my health, sober for 6 months (I am an alcoholic), long time I don´t have sex with CSW, only with girlfriend and protected, and recently discovered that I suffer from Anxiety on HIV, have OCD for some years, and afraid of a blood contact with a smal cut in my hand.

Some say I can´t let my self to be happy, have the need to live worried with something.

I could write tons of things and situations, but I think it may be enough for now.

Thank you for "listening". Hope I helped.

[greenlydia]

Let's start with your statement "the problem is that I'm bisexual." Being bisexual is NOT a "problem." It is simply who you are.
(What I am going to say now will no doubt sound judgemental to some people, and I want to make it VERY clear, right now, that is NOT the case!)
The only problem I see is that you were, sadly, unable to share this aspect of yourself with your wife. That you must keep it hidden. That it creates guilt and anxiety for you. How much easier life would be if she knew and understood and accepted...........but I understand how rare it must be to find someone that open and understanding. I also understand you keeping it hidden so you won't hurt her and that is admirable of you.
You say you always practice safe sex with these men, you tell us you know how HIV is transmitted, you say you know you are not at risk......(which you AREN'T) but the anxiety kicks in shortly after these encounters and lasts until you have an HIV test. During that 2-3 month wait, do you have sex with your wife? That is an extremely personal question and you needn't answer it. YOU KNOW, and that's really all that matters. I will just assume you also practice safe sex to protect her.
As I said before, you are who you are, marten, and what I think, in my humble opinion, is that you would benefit greatly by seeking some therapy to help you deal with the guilt and anxiety you feel. I believe a good therapist will help you put everything into perspective so you can deal with this dilemma of conscience. I don't see any other way for you to be truly happy in life until you come to an understanding with and about yourself.
I hope you find the peace you deserve.
Greenlydia