Need some encouragement please - doctor really scared me

[Amber98]

Hi,

Well i'm on my 4th medication trial to help my anxiety & depression. The strange thing is depression usually unmotivates people, but I am really motivated to get better. But my doctor really scared me today.

He asked me what my backup plan is if I don't get better.

I've been telling him I am taking this year off to get better so I can go back to University. My anxiety and depression have been building up my whole life and I'm finally seeking help for it, and for the first time my life is getting back under control ( i have a family doctor, seeing a psycotherapist next week, getting a new psychiatrist).

My doctor knows that I've tried lots of medication and he feels I am resistant. But whenever he asks about my motivations and goals, I tell him as soon as my meds start helping, I am going back to school. But he wants me to have a back up incase I don't get better. That REALLY scares me as I'm only 23 years old - will I be like this my whole life?

It wasn't until today when I started filling out my applications that I realized how bad my condition really is. I can't even fill out a simple application. I get so anxious just reading it and then my brain freezes up and I literally cannot think. It's so hard to explain, I feel like no one gets it. I literally have to read one sentence over like 10 times and I still can't process it. It only happens when I get anxious and that's everytime I have to use my brain towards something :S

I've had a cat scan of my brain and everything is normal. This is all recent too as I have done really well in school up until now.

So what i'm realizing is, I can't fill out these applications until I for sure get better. I want to go to school this year, but there is no way I can do well in school with my current state of mind.

What do you think - will this go away, will I get better? Or do I need more time off and a second plan of just getting a job that doesn't require to much thinking - if that is even possible.

Right now I feel so down, the one thing I believe I have an exceptional talent in is school. I was always an over acheiver, a perfectionist and now, I can't even think properly :(

[Amber98]

Thank you so much Mammo, you always answer my questions with such insight, I really REALLY appreciate it.

I actually have been waiting for (free) therapy for over a year, I finally start next week.

Mammo you are right, I have a lot of underlying issues that came up out of no where. I keep remembering my childhood and my dad who I've only seen when I was little. Then recently I tried to find him and found out he passed away. I've been trying to get over this by praying and letting him know I forgive him and always loved him.

But the thing is, now my mom and I are constantly fighting. I think I hate her sometimes and the reason is because she never let me see my dad and now it's too late. I can't even talk to her about this because she has her own depression and when I bring up the past she yells and screams. Her condition is worse, sometimes she tries to harm herself, so I don't talk to her. But i really just want to start therapy and perhaps learn someway that I can cope, or mourn my father and then put it behind me.

Can therapy really help me get over this?? I know this is what is causing my anxiety/depression because I never once thought about my dad ALL these years, and now 15 years later, all these memories keep popping into my head from when I was younger and living with him.

I've tried Cipralex, effexor, wellbutrin and sertraline. However, only sertraline I tried for a full 3 months at a high dose. The rest I don't think the dose was high enough.

Right now I'm on Seroquel which doesn't do much but helps me sleep at night, which is actually huge for me because i'm an insomniac.

Thank you again Mammo!!!

[JGF25]

Ditto what mammo said but I am curious as to how long you stayed on each of the medications.

[mammo]

I agree you need to be in therapy to determine if your anxiety has a root cause.  This is usually a traumatic event from our past that we never truly dealt with and may have even forgotten about.  It comes back demanding to be dealt with in the form of anxiety and/or depression.  But also find yourself a more caring psychiatrist, one that encourages you...not discourages you!  If you've only tried antidepressants, you may need an anxiety medication as well.  Most of us take both.  Don't allow this doctor to discourage you...find a new one and start fresh, he can get all your records from your other doctor.  Don't allow your anxiety to hold you back....down time right now would only increase your anxiety, and getting back into the swing of things will help.  You say you did very well until now, so either what the doctor asked is increasing your anxiety or something has happened, and you need to know what.  Many people have gone thru 4 or more medications before finding one or a combination that works...so don't give up and find a psychiatrist who won't either.  Have the new psychiatrist refer you to a therapist as well.  You can get past this with the proper help.  Remember that fear and worry fuels our anxiety, so the less we do of this the better.  Exercise is good at burning off the extra adrenaline, and deep breathing exercises help.....several slow deep breaths in thru your nose and slowly out of you mouth. Jouranling your feelins and emotions is a great release for us...even if you just toss them away. You can get beyong this and I wish all the very best!!

[Paxiled]

Are you in therapy?  Medication just treats symptoms, not the underlying illness.